The 13th Leeds - OWC - Optioned

Some decent imagery here. An artist could have fun with this one.

Very sparse with the dialog. Leaves a lot of room for the reader's interpretation. I mean, what were they expecting? No intro for the midwife, either. I see a little Hellboy loose at the end.

Good effort.

Good job with the conversion to comic format. I do personally think a screenplay reads a lot cleaner and your point could just as easily be conveyed. But this is for a comic so it’s completely understandable.

It’s not the most visually appealing short I've read in the challenge, but it was still enjoyable. I'm not entirely sure this sits in the PG classification.

All the best.

Not really PG. The comic format made it harder to read than it should have. There's a City called Leeds (in the UK) so I was thrown for a bit thinking this was going to be about a place.

But it was a good job, I like how you tied it into the legend of the Jersey Devil. Nice effort.

Hmm, at first I thought someone has been watching Apostle.

It's not bad. It did feel it was a little incomplete story wise.

I'm undecided as to whether the Panel format detracted or enhanced. The explanation point above Jane to emphasize her pregnant belly seemed a bit hokey to me, and the name of the farmer is Titan?

I think tales like this (no pun intended with the devil's tail) need to finish on a twist, a shock, or a moral. The shock with yours came mid-way and it finishes on myth/legend, and superstition imho.

Ooh, I forgot to ask: Why the 'obscene' kiss?

Well, that was different...and ambitious! I like ambition, and I I actually like this...for what it is.

IMO, you missed the mark of PG, but not really by much, so no called foul, no penalty.

Not sure hwy a farmer in the 1700's would have a first name like "Titan" - that just seems off to me.

I don't like how you have a fake author name on the opening page at all - terrible way to start.

It's a tough read because most are not familiar with formatting like this, but for me, it actually works.

Impossible to really care about any of the characters, because they come off as props and the very limited dialogue doesn't help....but then again, based on the challenge, I don't see this as an issue, actually.

I appreciate the wrap up at the very end...very well thought out...and executed.

I will remember this one and that's always a good thing. Good effort here and ballsy way to go.

Grade - ****

I know nothing about comic book format, so I’m going to assume this is how it’s done.

Great setting for the challenge.  Titan Leeds - I like the name.

‘Planted the 13th’ - took me a while to figure that one out.  I thought it was a reference to the date.  The 13th 'seed' perhaps?

I do like how you tied this to the Jersey Devil.  This works well for the challenge and feels more rounded than most I’ve read so far.  The visual shift in the period would make a good end note.

Would have liked a nod as to the ‘why’ (unless I missed something?)  Why are they invoking satan?  What’s in it for them?  What is this deal they’ve made?  Is it for a good harvest?  Lots of children etc?  Could have been something more there - perhaps more of an irony to end on.

So far a solid entry, a contender for sure.  Good work - interested to find out the writer.

A few years ago TV Shows were all written in CAPS and then they decided it's not easy on the eye so they changed it to screenplay style.

I know you're going for the lavish comic panel but makes it a little more of a challenge.
TITAN HOLDS THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE
BILLY GOAT BY THE HORNS OVER HIS HEAD... a little much for PG

The comic book style took it away for me... maybe leave that to the comic book guys?
You had the bare bones of a good story and linked it to the Jersey Devil. Obviously you're a talented writer but it seems you're trying to hard to tell HyperEpics their job instead of being a storyteller which is your job.

Good job on entering

It was interesting to read a story done in the appropriate format. It was a good origins story of the Jersey Devil. The problem is there’s nothing particularly scary in it, because the only thing that happens is a birth, albeit of a devil. Making the family sympathetic, fighting to survive in a land of intolerant “good” people, might be the way to go if a rewrite is considered.

That was a tough read - format was heavy for me

To be honest I didn’t really get why they did this

A bit linear for me - ie a story was told, and it ended. Not much else.

Not for me.

Clever pseudonym :) The name and the formatting tells me you're a comic book fan (I hope), and nothing wrong with that. So am I! It's nice to finally see a comic book script on this site. I toyed with the idea myself from time to time, but ultimately went with the standard script format, for the same reason others mentioned - kind of jarring and hard to follow. Maybe if you had used regular case instead of all caps for the panel descriptions, and centered the character names and dialog like a regular script? It's well written tho, and a fun tale, sort of the "origin story" of a villain (very comic book themed). Cheers

I found this difficult to read and a chore to get through. The story is not for me either. Perhaps due to the format. IMO, you should leave the comic-book creation to the guys that know what they're doing.

Nice story.

Written this way - it's not comparing apples to apples though for some reason.

I'd say you need to show them kneel before a picture of Satan or something. Otherwise we learn that they are satanists from the Caption and small things - like goat lapels, him holding a head of a goat. Is that even satanists? Or maybe I missed something - I'm not used to this format, it doesn't read smoothly for me, like a story would.

And Leeds is their name! Mother Leed. Leed or Leeds? I think you have Leed at places there if I'm not mistaken.

Edit: Yeah, panel 2 - they dance around the goat.
And it's Leeds throughout, I think.

What happened to the kids? Maybe missed something again.

Just reinforces my thinking it should have been written in a normal screenplay format. Or maybe not. But I'd prefer to read a story, not panels. And look at panels. Panels - to look at. Screenplays - to read. Movies - to watch. ))

I thought this was a hard read. It's this comic style format. The story wasn't for me too. Just felt over the top. Might look good as comic though.

All the best.

Not bad. The comic style format made it a hard read.

The scene of the kiss made me laugh out loud. Not sure if this was what you were going for.

The visuals were good and I liked how you tied the story with the legend of the Jersey Devil.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Good job, writer.

This OWC is well past but, before I go to work on a revision, I thought I'd just address a couple things:
- This is based off the actual legend of the Jersey Devil.
- The names (Titan and Jane Leeds) were their 'real' names.
- For today's audience, I think it could easily pass for PG-13.
- Comic format can be a bitch! Definitely out of the comfort zone when first striking out on the endeavour. Unlike screenplay writing and the unwritten rules, there are actually written rules for dialog and caption (I found out the hard way!). Formatting is definitely variable and I think I'll revert back to NOT writing in all caps for panel action.

Thanks again for all the reads and comments.
~John

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