My Monster by ? - Short, Horror - The parents of a young girl suffering from night terrors, arrange a sleep over; but at what cost? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A little rough around the edges but a nice little spooky story. Just a couple nits:
- We can assume that the family's last name is Carroll?
- How would we know that Natalie got her Grandmother's strawberry blonde hair?
- Ext. Natalie's Room should be Int. Hallway, perhaps?
- Some of the dialog is OTN and awkward.

Those are just minor details that are easily fixed. Good little short.

Some nice tension and scares. I'm in two minds about this one. I enjoyed it, but there's no real logic, theme, deeper meaning or irony to it. It's just kind of creepy stuff happening.

Still I did enjoy it, like I said.

I really enjoyed this without giving away the ending.

I get the meaning of "My Monster" and how you tied it in. The story was simplistic but well thought out.
I could see this in a comic.

Great characters, good writing  one of my favs

Good job on entering.

So far, this would be the lest visually appealing comic. I think this is way more suited to a short film. It has pretty standard horror beats, nothing too original.

I didn’t mind it for what it was, but I think it misses the mark in terms of the challenge and the end goal of said challenge.

All the best.

Opening Slug - CARROLL'S HOUSE - I like that you are being exact in your setting, but when you intro your characters, you need to use the last name, otherwise "CARROLL'S HOUSE" doesn't mean anything.  Know what I'm saying?

"her grandmother's strawberry blonde hair" - WTF?  Did I miss something?  Who's the grandmother and why is she being referenced here in a description of a kid's hair?  This entire passage is a mess...incomplete fragment, followed by another fragment, and adding in "her favorite cartoons" is totally unfilmable.

Final passage under this Slug is totally incorrect, as Jamie and Natalie are in the kitchen and this scene is continuous.  And, I guess you're telling us that the living room is off the kitchen, and the front door is part of the living room?

But then we have a new Slug, and it's entry way, so maybe the living room is off the entry way?   Hmmm, now Natalie is at the front door also?

A taxi?  WTF?  Things just aren't working or making sense here to me, but alot of that is because you never set your scenes properly.

You always need a comma in dialogue,to offset a name or anything being used as a name.

Page 4 - "BACK TO SCENE" - Huh?  When did we leave the scene.  You used "DREAM" in your Slug, which to me is a mistake, but since you did it this way, you're saying the entire scene is a dream, so this is a messed up here.

EXT. NATALIE'S ROOM" - HUH?  WTF?  Incorrect.

Keeping a blank page at the end of the script looks very poor.

OK, the end.  I don't see creature feature here at all.  I don't see much of anything actually.  It's dull, uneventful and really doesn't give us anything to go on.

Not for me at all, sorry to say.

Grade - *

Billy isn't there but his mask continues to run.
Huh?

Grandma does not feature in the script so leave out the mention of resemblance.

Should be CARROLL HOUSE, no apostrophe needed, but then you should include their surname in description.

The kid's drawing and what eventuates is definitely creepy, but sadly I didn't pick up on the Creature-Feature element.

The Monster Under the Bed and In the Bed at the same time has been used extensively, so this wasn’t really original but that would have been okay if the rest of the script was solid and (for me anyway) it wasn’t and needs a lot of work.

The setup took way too long. The drunken mom clumsily handing over her child for the sleepover was actually quite entertaining but this would suit a much longer short, or feature, where the setup would pay off in some way later on. Here it doesn’t and you could start much later with the actual sleepover without losing any of the story.  

Towards the end I lost track of which character was which. You just need to work on making each one distinctive and stand out.

I wasn’t quite sure who was hanging at the end or what Billy had to do with all this, unless that was Billy? That bit needs to be clearer.

Had a few creepy moments. Felt a bit disconnected with all that time spent giving Sarah a backstory but then the focus seems to be more on the parents.

You set her up as this aloof, wounded girl with a messed up mom. I'd like that to tie into this monster somehow... maybe she's developed some sort of Sixth Sense ability... which might be what you're going for with the drawing predicting the ending...

That was a creepy drawing. Some good stuff overall just lacking a clear direction.

I thought that the first scene needs some refining as their talk is a bit on the nose. You couls show Natalie talk to Jamie maybe - and we could learn the fact she's scared at nights.

Jamie sure is strange. Why would she talk to Sissy through clenched teeth. And then she banged her head repeatedly? She can bang it once or twice I think.

You created the tension very well. I was interested to see how it ends.

But I didn't understand what happened. What's the relevance of the man that hangs from the tree? I know he's at first featured in Sarah's drawing but I didn't understand what's with him and why.

So what happened to Sarah? She's another monster? Natalie seen the monsters under her bed before but Sarah looks like a real one.
Then Billy - i don't know what happened to him.

I guess it's over my head. Nice tention though, I think all you need is to work on clarity.

Quoted Text grandmother's strawberry blonde hair.

Who's the grandmother?   It isn't Jamie.

Does Jamie have mental heath issues? OCPD?ADHD, ?  Bipolar? Something? Why is she banging her head repeatedly on the door? Why does she speak through clenched teeth?

Two girls coloring so hard not one crayon snaps. Drawing so loud...what are they writing on? Sandpaper? And look at that detail---stick figures!

A dream sequence. I'm outta here..

First, the format mistake everyone probably caught:
Page 4          EXT. NATALIE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          Should probably read something like:
          “INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
          She puts her head to Natalie’s door

What happened to Sarah? She just disappeared. Was there ever really a Sarah? Is Jamie the monster in Natalie’s imagination? Or is Natalie the monster? I ask this because in the drawing, there’s a shadowy figure under the bed, and Jamie finds Natalie under the bed. Which monster killed Billy?

This script may be too subtle for me. A little more clarity would be appreciated by my aging brain.

This was a spooky one, with some nice tension and a few pleasant scares, but less visual and suited for comic than others. The characters are well-defined and the writing is good but the end needs work to tie better with the rest of the story. It left me scratching my head. What’s the relation between Sarah and the Monster? How the hanged man (Bill maybe?) ended there?

A good effort, though.

Is this one a little open for interpretation?  If so, no problem and kudos for going that route, because those types often get crucified.

Some little format issues, but nothing to really speak of.

It's a dark scenario with a classic 'search the monster under the bed vibe' that I enjoyed.

Not sure about the comic thing though. I see this more in the usual short circus. Perhaps it needs a last push to reach its full potential. However, good effort all in all.

A lot of unnecessary talking. The exposition isn't done terribly. I think you almost nailed it but there is still something left behind that lets the reader/viewer know they are being spoon fed.

Code Sissy turns and walks towards the waiting taxi. Sarah steps past Jamie and follows Natalie into the house.

This is very lazy writing. Maybe you didn't have time for an edit.. but you should always have time to edit lazy sentences. In the initial draft, it's normal to see stuff like this because we just want/need/must splurge it all out... and taking time over making things pretty should not be on the agenda. However, that initial draft is not done until those sentences have been cleaned up on the second look over.


Why is she banging her head on the door? And this is normal? The guy's talking to her like it is. This is copied from some bad 50s show or something.


This one needs some work.

There's elements of a good story here.  I find it unbelievable a new girl to the area has suddenly accepted an invitation to stay over, yet the two girls aren't exactly friendly with each other.  It's also convenient for Natalie to have two beds in her room.  I'd imagine as a parent that one child of theirs would only have one bed.  If you make the girls long time friends, this would help.  Separately, why is Sarah banging her head?  This is the real mystery.  I don't get it.  Delete this part.  

Do a little tidy up and you've got a good story in the making.

All the best.

Minor grumble: ‘...one side of a small table’ - consider losing stuff like this, it lengthens the sentence for no good reason.  What do you lose by using:  ‘...sits at a table...’.  

Opening dialogue between them sounds unnatural - purely for the reader’s sake.  Think of a more organic way to get the info across.

How do we know Natalie has her grandmother’s strawberry blonde hair?

JAMIE
Hi. Well I'm Jamie, Natalie's mom and this is obviously Natalie.

Have they never met?  Billy didn’t know this kid either, so how has this sleepover been arranged?  Where’s the logic here?

I’m struggling with this one.  The characters’ actions/reactions just don’t read naturally to me with a plot that’s hard to piece into a cohesive whole.  Is Sarah’s character (and her Mom) even necessary?  Why not have Natalie draw the creepy picture?  If Sarah’s key to this then I couldn’t see how.

It’s a tough concept.  You’d need the mother of fresh takes to pull off a monster under the bed short, for me, this wasn’t it.

This is quite good. The climax is excellent, rough edges aside. You took a common trope and flipped it nicely, very well done.

The set up took too long, leaving no room for the ending to breathe. The opening scene is pointless, you could save space there. Everyone knows what a sleepover looks like, just get to it.

For the climax, I don’t get what I’m supposed to be seeing in Nat’s bed when Jamie pulls her daughter out. I also don’t know what the deal is with her seeing herself suddenly in Sarah’s bed. And a big question...why do they have two beds for one daughter?

Billy swinging in the end was neat, but it makes no sense, it only exists to match the drawing. There monster doesn’t seem to have anything to do with it.

Nice job, one of the better ones despite it’s shortcomings.