Print Topic
SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / Sign Here
Posted by: Don, November 1st, 2018, 6:31pm
Sign Here by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - The president of the united states must act to stop a scandal before it ruins his second term in office. 4 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, November 2nd, 2018, 10:16am; Reply: 1
Hi Simon
Well done, I like this - Concise, easy to read and follow. I enjoyed the story also.
I only have a couple of small bits to mention:
Your log line, kinda ruined the story for me - I know viewers, if produced, wouldn't read a log line - but as a reader, the moment he comes in and says "Mr president" It should be an "Oooo" moment, but I already read it in the log line.
He mentions that this is the second time he has presented a document, this time for more money, but she is still surprised that he want's to buy her silence - wouldn't that have come up the first time?
The ending - I am not saying change it, it's your story - but sometimes what we don't see is more powerful - Him walking away (remorseful/not remorseful) and hearing a gun shot, is another way to go
Oh and I also like that you chose the nursery as the location for the ending - well done
All the best
Matt
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, November 9th, 2018, 9:30pm; Reply: 2
Simon,
Just read your script. Great job. It's very well written, and the dialogue is well written. I agree with the other commenter about the reveal that Michael was the president, but it was still a great read. I hope this gets produced.
Matthew Lincoln
P.S. I'm looking for some feedback on my script. It's in the sci-fi short section. It's called inescapable. Care to give it a read?
Posted by: DanielW, November 16th, 2018, 5:47pm; Reply: 3
Simon,
I like what you come up with, and this is no different.
A 30 year old President? Really?
I agree with Matt regarding the ending. Black screen it, with a gunshot.
Nice work.
Daniel
Print page generated: April 19th, 2024, 11:28pm
Powered by
E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006