Gurza by Khamanna Iskandarova - Horror - When an ancient Azerbaijani myth foretells that the killing of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in the same family, one man's plan to survive may be worse than the original curse. 76 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Khamanna

Had to take a look at yours first. :)

Congrats on completing a feature. Now comes the rewrites. lol.

Finished in one sitting. If I mistake anything, I blame it on my quick reading lol.

Spoilers!

My thoughts in no particular order:

I'm presuming the scene where his mom is dead and draws in the eyes is when he starts becoming an artist? If not, you gotta establish that storyline. That's a pretty cool storyline.

What does Davood get with the five deaths completed? Devood lives? I'm guessing so since the father killed the snake in the beginning. So, since the father is dead, Davood is trying to save himself? I would advise explaining the mythical curse or story behind the gurza like to avoid one's own demise, needs to kill five family members.

I would advise showing how Davood and Jeyla improve their relationship since Jeyla has been avoiding him for the longest.

This doesn't mean I don't like it. I enjoy the characters, structure, and storyline.

I'll see if I can think of anything else.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thank you so much, Gabe, for reading this one mess of a screenplay.

You actually gave me something I thought was clear - so thanks for that, I'll look into that too.

No, he was an artist before that. His mother talks to his sister about his obsession with drawing snakes.

And as to your second question - he's so obsessed with he myth that wants to live up to it. He wants for it to be true. But I don't know if I should change this as it's a bit of complicated. I know I should get rid of a lot of convo so that only important part stays and everything would be much clearer that way.

Looking forward for yours!

And to all - I'll get to the reads soon. It'll just take me time, but I'll read all of them surely. Very excited.

Now that the future of American democracy is secure, I finally have time to read these scripts. Figured I might as well start with yours.

"Sir" doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized.

Banu. Pretty name.

Iiiii should have known better with a girl like you.



Are they sketches or paintings?

Quoted Text Gabriel  sits  down,  his  eyes  tired  and  [his]  posture  slumped.

Quoted Text I  guess  you  want  to  tell  me  the   story.  Go  ahead,  I’m  listening.

Sounds more natural. More subtext.

Just like I  told you before, before...

Quoted Text Not  an  overly  polite  question[,]  but   what  the  heck.  I’ll  be  twenty [-]two   this  month.

But you said she's 23. Is she lying about her age? Then again, none of this would be apparent on screen.

Quoted Text No,  please,  go  ahead.  Truth  be   told,  you  got  my  attention.

Why not show it?

Quoted Text Could  you  sit  down,  please[?]

Azerbaijan is a real country. It's capital is Baku. Make of that what you will.

Quoted Text That’s  where  people [no comma]  that   are  well-off  have  their  summer   houses.

I would maybe break up the dialogue with action or visuals.

Quoted Text EXT.  NEIGHBORING  HOUSE  -  DAY A  nice  [home / residence]  in  sharp  contrast  to  the  unfinished   construction.

Redundant. Try not to repeat your slug in the action line.

Quoted Text MAHMUD[,]  a  [M]iddle-[E]astern  man  of  35,  a  strong  hard-working   type,  weeds  the  garden.

I thought Mahmud was that Mahmoud guy who used to be President of Iran.

Quoted Text A  big  portion  of  the  garden  has   [already been]  weeded  out.

Quoted Text Be  careful,  honey.  Look  out  for  the   snakes.

I would pick one or the other.

Quoted Text Voices  from  afar.  They  belong  to  his [parents].  He   listens.  Then  walks  toward  them.

"Ain't" sounds weird coming from Middle Easterners. It's more of an American South thing. It's like the word "Dude" in a Shakespearean setting.

Quoted Text Davood  walks  to[ward]  his  mother

TIL that you can use "revenge" as a verb.

Shouldn't Gurza be capitalized?

"Mom" should be capitalized if it's an address.

Quoted Text Narmin  breath[e]s  heavily.

Quoted Text The  child  inside     my  belly  might  get  sick  from  all   that (extra space)   worry.

Quoted Text They  are  being  interrupted  by  their  father. Their father interrupts.  He  thrusts  the fence  open.

No comma after "And."

Quoted Text Narmin  and  Davood  turn  and  see  Mahmud[,]  who  drops  to  the   ground,  holding  his  foot.

I'm gonna save time and not point out all the mistakes from this point on, unless it warrants attention.

Quoted Text Good [thing]  I  had  a  plow  in [my]  hands.

Quoted Text Hey,  what  are  you  doing?  Wake  up.   Don’t  do  that  to  me!

Doesn't ring true to me. Sounds a tad they-only-say-that-in-movies.

*SPOILER*

Quoted Text Yes,  in  the  end  he  did.  But  not  on   that  day,  not  on  the  next  day  and   not  the  day  after  that.

Interesting. Let's see where it goes from here. :)

Quoted Text Narmin  sits  on  the  floor,  hands  elevated  towards  the   ceiling (two periods)

"extra[,] extra careful"

I love our first visual of the snake. ;D

Who is Narmin talking to?

Quoted Text He  adjusts  his  cave  and  ambles  away.

His cave? Or his cane?

The eyes glow? Spooky.

I'm gonna stop here for the night. Pretty good so far. Excellent job, Kham. :)

I would have CAPPED the customer.

"Gabriel shifts [uneasily]" or "Gabriel shifts[,] uneasy."

"Middle East" is a proper name and should be capitalized.

Quoted Text It was her daughter. Remember she was (a) child when Mahmud got hit by a truck?

Quoted Text She was seventeen at the time […]

I would break up this paragraph. It's too long as it is.

Top of page 20 and taking another break. It's a special night. Love what I'm reading so far.

Hey, Chris,
Thank you so much for the read and the detailed notes. I'm going to use every single note of your comments. Will do the amends tomorrow. Hopefully.

Picking up on p20.

What kind of receiver are you taking about? Telephone? Gun? Audio-video receiver?

Quoted Text Narmin unzips it but keeps the bag closed. She opens up a bit of it looks[,] closely inside.

Quoted Text Her breath[ing] fastens. She [quickly] closes the bag.

Quoted Text And it’s not one of those darlings that don’t bite, [it] brings death.

Quoted Text Okay, I believe you. Now, I think I need to do something to help you. You live with a crazy person.

This sounds a bit inauthentic and unrealistic. Plus, too wordy for the given situation.

You usually cut out the "goodbye" in a phone call.

Quoted Text As soon as she does[,] the key in the lock turns and Davood appears in the door.

Quoted Text You’re seriously [hung] up on that childish tale.

"Bye[,] [M]om." Always offset names with commas.

Quoted Text Bye mom. I need to paint a snake, that’s all. You can’t live with a snake, but I can’t live without it. Don’t worry about me, I’ll crash with someone tonight until I get my own place.

Good line, but it makes the exchange too wordy.

Quoted Text Hey, don’t worry about it. I really appreciate you help[ing] me out like [this].

A "picturesque place" can be any place. Is it a field, a city, a town, a marketplace, a village, mountains? You're the writer.

"something seems [to move] inside."

Quoted Text He looses his conscious.

I don't understand what you mean.

Quoted Text She dumps the contents of the cup onto the frying pan, switches the gas underneath it. She waits beside it for a bit, then turns off the stove. She walks with a frying pan to a TV, turns it on.

This paragraph is a little too busy. I'd break it up into smaller portions.

Quoted Text [She feels] hot[. S]he moves to sit under the draft that gets in through open window.

We, the audience, can't feel the heat. You have to show it to us.

Quoted Text Then pulls on the blinds string to bring them down.

You could just say she draws (raises or lowers) the blinds.

Top of page 31. I'm gonna call it a night. Where does the time go?

[qupte]Blood trickles from her open mouth down her clothes forming a long streak that resemble(s) a snake.[/quote]

*SPOILER*

I love the blood snake imagery.

Quoted Text He carefully lays her down, places the hands next to her body.

Who's hands? His or hers?

Quoted Text They say when Stalin... you know Stalin, right... when he looked into the eyes of a person he was intended to kill[,] his own eyes would turn yellow.

Quoted Text We often mistake the truth for a myth and a myth for the truth. That’s one of the best complexities of life. And one of its beauties.

I love this line. It's a keeper.

Quoted Text I guess now that you’re thinking I’m a big fat liar not worthy of your time you don’t want to hear any more of Davood’s stories, right?

Quoted Text No, please finish them. There are two more (extra space)  sketches left.

Quoted Text She points at the Davood’s paintings.

Quoted Text It’s four sketches in total: One is with his mother in [snake / snake's] eyes. The other one is a wounded snake. Two more are left.

There are a lot of orphans in the script, and I don't mean Davood.

And with that, I'm signing off for the night.

Hello Khamanna, (sister in kitty cat cuddles) :)

This is a good story and the issues are really simple fixes.

Mostly, I felt the dialogue needed work. Such as when Davood’s mother asks him to read and he says he can’t and you know that. Why would his mother ask him?

But, having said that, I really liked the image of him doing his “pretend read”.

You did a really good job of moving the story along.

I think in a re-write, you can improve the mystical aspects of the myth itself and show it.

Also, I should mention that the opening image wasn’t clear enough. Later, I understood this wasn’t a museum, but a store. In my notes I had written: Big Gallery? Private? Etc...

This is also the case with the use of Picturesque Place. It was a little sketchy. :)

Pg 7 the sun is about to set so it should be in the header.

Pg 9 they are being interrupted should be tightened to something like
Father interrupts them

Page 11 She should crush the pills or he would choke

Page 12 issue with time - It’s night when Malmud rushes away
But on pg 13 the header reads Day

Note that a screech of wheels does not waft.

Pg 14 Gabriel asks will you be here tomorrow and Banu answers
I would love to.
Wrong response.

Pg 14 header should be Next Night

Pg 15 I noted the word “customer” as wrong before I realized it was a store type of gallery.

I like Davood’s dialogue as it mirrored his speech as a five year old. I can’t work. I have to watch out for snakes, you know that.

This clearly represents the fact that he’s off his rocker. Good job there.

I made a lot of X’s as relates to dialogue that I thought needed to be shortened or improved to be more realistic or clear, but those details can be readily fixed.

The story is a good and keeps one interested.

Big congrats on finishing the challenge in such short order!

Sandra

Hi Kham,

Sorry for taking so long to write up my notes.

This is the most cohesive set of stories submitted to the 7WC, making everyone else look bad :)

There are some minor word choice issues and quite a bit of on-the-nose dialogue, which is a common feature in just about any first draft. It was common enough to pull me out of the story at times, but importantly it seems straightforward enough to fix during a re-write.

The action is little over-descriptive in spots, which is better than being too terse, but it does slow down the read. A good example is Davood and the shrubs at the bottom of page 6.

The garden definitely had a "the cobbler's children have the worst shoes" element to it.

Very cute with Davood pretending to read. It's not unusual for kids that age or even younger to memorize a story, so the only part that seems out of place is Davood saying he can't read.

The family deaths appear to be a "simple" curse maybe a little too long, but everything makes sense after the audience is let in on what's actually happening.

There are a few things about Davood's behavior that don't make sense to me. I get that he thinks five people need to die, and if he can get five OTHER people to die then he'd be better off.

Davood in his early 20s says that he "can't work," and it's clear from this conversation that Narmin has been aware of this forever, but it seems like she's only just this moment doing anything about it. A child who acted as obsessed as Davood does here wouldn't have been able to function in school. Either he's gotten worse recently (maybe when he captured the snake) or he's been a problem child for a very long time. Either way can be interesting.

Davood's interactions with his family also seem a bit odd. He goes through a lot of effort to make contact, they reject him, and he acts like he doesn't like them either. Maybe his only real interest is in locating the family members rather than bonding with them, but the interactions just seemed odd to me. If he really truly doesn't like the family members, it could come up in his dialogue with the toy snake.

Davood seems weirdly calm about catching fire. Even forming the words "It hurts!" would take way more concentration than most people could muster in that situation. Maybe he is that disassociated from his body (remember Gollum's joy at gaining the Ring overrode his pain of falling into lava), but then he'd be showing concern for Girly rather than himself. He could plausibly switch at some point and realize his own plight when it's too late (Richard Prior discussed how even when he was as high as a kite, completely unable to realize he was in danger, once the fire reached him he acted like pretty much any sober person who finds himself on fire).

I think all these issues are fixable, and a round of editing will help with the text issues.

Great job with this feature.

Edit: I also like the open ending. Maybe this (driving a family member mad) is simply how the curse operates. In which case ten more lives are on the line.

Since time is running short, Kham, I'm gonna move on to the other scripts. I definitely hope I come back to this one. It's awesome so far.

Chris, sorry I haven't thanked you properly on the thread, but all great stuff. Nice thing to have when you rewrite. And I'm happy to see you like it. Well, at least the beginning of it.

@Sandra, what a sudden come back. Thanks for reading, thanks for the comments - I'll look closely into them, actually all good and useful stuff.

@Frank, wow, almost failed to thank you. But I remember reading your comments and thinking - woah, where's he coming from.

Ok, kidding)) All good stuff, all the headers - you guys making the rewrite too easy.

Hey Khamanna, email me the latest draft of your script. I'm leaving on vacation and I'll be happy to read.  ;)

Thanks a lot, Pia.

I'd like to do it tomorrow, so I reread at least half of it and make some amends. My latest draft is still the first draft. I haven't rewritten. But I would like to fix the grammar some at least.

Kham, just thought I'd take a look at this...

Settled in for a read, sitting outside on a hot Boxing Day morning and when I got to the bit where Mahmud is bitten I look around cause sudden movement caught my eye...

One of these just happens to be slithering by!

http://youraussieholiday.com.au/project/goanna-perentie/

I kid you not!

Scared the crap outta me.  A good sized one too. My feet went up on the chair quick smart. Took a photo but not sure how to upload here.

Suffice to say the creepy script and the creepy Goanna, I followed him around the house until he ran off.  :D

Libby, woah, what a treat, you must live in a beautiful place!

I'm so bad - I haven't got to the rewrite when I should have rewritten it 10 times. I wish Sean makes it obligatory next time and gives us 20 days or something to submit the rewrites.

Thanks for reading! (or trying to read, lol) I need help with the ending. Not like the rest of it is great, it's just the ending sucks especially much with the fire and all.

Quoted from khamanna Libby, woah, what a treat, you must live in a beautiful place! I'm so bad - I haven't got to the rewrite when I should have rewritten it 10 times. I wish Sean makes it obligatory next time and gives us 20 days or something to submit the rewrites. Thanks for reading! (or trying to read, lol) I need help with the ending. Not like the rest of it is great, it's just the ending sucks especially much with the fire and all.

The existing script about reptilian curses summoned a reptile. Improving it could be dangerous :)

You're onto something good here Kham. The snakes work well with horror.

I'm going to read it again with particular emphasis concentrating on the ending cause I agree the denouement could do with some ramping up. There's great material here for maximizing suspense.

I enjoyed the vibe and the atmosphere and your descriptions and the foreign (to me) setting which adds colour. Chris offered quite a lot in terms of grammar suggestions so I'll hold off and that but will be happy to assist you with that in your next draft if you'd like that.

Let me know when you have a new draft ready.
Looking forward to it. :)

P.S. Yep, there's never a dull moment in our backyard - usually at this time of year our friendly (but huge) diamond python can  surprise us (eek!!) when we lift the lid on the compost bin, and the water dragons are regular fixtures  poolside.  :)

Quoted from FrankM The existing script about reptilian curses summoned a reptile. Improving it could be dangerous :)

;D ;D  :o

Woah, you read it already! That was fast.

Thanks, Libby for the nice words. I'll try to rewrite after the holidays. Travelling to Houston right now! I haven't seen the city for more than 7 years and strangely excited.

Python and dragons you say. Ugh. Frank is right, I should keep quet about the rewrite.

And while you all are discussing the Oscars on another thread I decided to come up with a logline for Gurza.

This one is tricky due to the abundance of the backstory that interweaves with the main storyline.

An ancient Azerbaijani myth promises that the murder of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in your family. Being a witness to the implications of the myth, an eccentric artist has to outsmart it to stay alive.

Wordy and blah. But something to work off.

With your help. Please :)

Quoted from khamanna And while you all are discussing the Oscars on another thread I decided to come up with a logline for Gurza. This one is tricky due to the abundance of the backstory that interweaves with the main storyline. An ancient Azerbaijani myth promises that the murder of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in your family. Being a witness to the implications of the myth, an eccentric artist has to outsmart it to stay alive. Wordy and blah. But something to work off. With your help. Please :)

Hey Kham,

My take:

Based on an Azerbaijani myth. After an eccentric artist witness the murder of a Gurza snake, he will have to outsmart the terrible fate of an ancient legend that affirms that the sighting will be followed by five deaths in his family.

Haven't read the script yet (just downloaded and added to my pile) so take what you like, leave out the rest.

Hope it helps.

Here's another random stab at it.

Believing his father brought an ancient Azerbaijani curse upon his family, an eccentric artist's plan to survive may be worse than the original curse.

Hopefully we don't summon a huge lizard at LC's place.

Quoted from FrankM ... Hopefully we don't summon a huge lizard at LC's place.

:o  ;D

Condensing yours, Kham:

When an ancient Azerbaijani myth foretells that the killing of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in the same family, one man has to outsmart it to stay alive.

Believing his father brought an ancient Azerbaijani curse upon his family, an eccentric artist's plan to survive may be worse than the original curse.

This suggestion of Frank's (above) is v.good but (as with yours Kham) I'd omit the specific 'eccenttric artist' and go with the generic 'one man'.

David's is good too, just a little long imho.

...
Ooh, just came across dumplings named in honour of the Gurza.

http://www.visions.az/en/news/773/0616f0a3/

P.S. I'd use the word: killing, not murder in relation to the snake.

Thanks, guys for your help. I actually think these are fantastic. I'll use one of yours. But great job, I'm impressed. Now, why didn't I think of that. It's hard to choose between Frank's and Libby's. I'll read and reread before I send one to Don for the update. Thank you!

David, great job, cause you haven't read it and you came close as well. But yeah, it's a little off for that reason too. Still, interesting how you managed. Thanks for your offer to read it.
I actually did rewrite or did something that I would call a rewrite. So, I'm looking for reads.

Libby, and these are seriously delicious. You can get them in Baku.

Quoted from khamanna Thanks, guys for your help. I actually think these are fantastic. I'll use one of yours. But great job, I'm impressed. Now, why didn't I think of that. It's hard to choose between Frank's and Libby's. I'll read and reread before I send one to Don for the update. Thank you! David, great job, cause you haven't read it and you came close as well. But yeah, it's a little off for that reason too. Still, interesting how you managed. Thanks for your offer to read it. I actually did rewrite or did something that I would call a rewrite. So, I'm looking for reads. Libby, and these are seriously delicious. You can get them in Baku.

No prob, Kham. Glad I managed to write something that, at least, makes sense. Wasn't sure.

Is the rewrite up?

Yes, David, that's the final version. It's a dropbox file, I update as I go

Quoted from khamanna Yes, David, that's the final version. It's a dropbox file, I update as I go

Cool. Count me in.

Taking a stab at it. Not sure if it�s too late. Will read the rewrite. I have so much to catch up on in reading lol.

Longline - A artist has to outsmart an ancient Gurza snake myth to stay alive.

The others were too specific. I think you should be a bit general to bait the reader into reading it.  

Gabe

Thanks Gabe, you're too nice!

And I'm still waiting on those two other shorts. Or three. See, it's been so long ago that you made me forget!

Or have they been posted and I missed them??

Hi Kham,

Finally got to read Gurza.

First of all, congrats on finishing the feature. Mostly, I liked it, although I've some suggestions as you'd see. Take all of them with a grain of salt - pick what you like and ignore the rest.

Okay, after the preamble, here are my thoughts:

Good first four pages. The gallery scene picked my interest right away with the introduction of the snake paintings and the 'mysterious' Gabriel Maiorano. I like how you introduce the characters and then build up to the first story, very well-done.

My only suggestion here would be removing the last line of Gabriel's dialogue so it ends on 'Azerbaijan' (pg. 4):

Quoted Text GABRIEL Davood, that's his name, is not originally from here. His parents lived in this rural place in a faraway country called Azerbaijan--

Then, I'll suggest adding it to the V.O. and changing the line about 'invading forsaken houses' from 'people' to 'someone', to make it a little more personal:

Quoted Text GABRIEL (V.O.) They stayed there as refugees, so the family didn't have much at all. Have you ever met someone who invaded a forsaken house because there's no way he can afford his own? Theirs was not even a house, it was stones put together in the middle of a place called Bilga. That's where people that are well-off have their summer houses.

But that's just me being picky.

Another thing I liked is where Davood's family house is located. We have this unfinished small stone construction in the middle of a neighbor of well-to-do houses. It's a powerful image with a lot of contrast. Which is why I'd suggest adding a little more description here (pg. 5):

Quoted Text EXT. NEIGHBORING HOUSE - DAY A nice residence in sharp contrast to the unfinished construction.

  

Not much, just one or two lines describing the house, so we can visualize what you're seeing.

Pg. 10)

Quoted Text Their father interrupts. He thrusts the fence open. And he limps inside. MAHMUD Narmin! Come quick.

I'd have liked to see/read the scene where Mahmud is bitten by gurza or, alternatively, the moment preceding it, when gurza prepares to bite. It'd be a cool way for us to get a first glimpse of the snake - I think we haven't seen it yet - and it'll be a scene filled with tension.

Quoted Text In about a second she pulls apart from the wound and spits.

Another nitpicky suggestion: 'In a split second, she pulls apart from the wound and spits.'

Quoted Text Davood rushes for water. He reaches a pot filled with water, grabs a cup, scoops some.

Where's the pot?

Quoted Text BANU He died? GABRIEL Yes, in the end he did. But not on that day, not on the next day and not the day after that.

Really liked this.

Quoted Text A screech of wheels wafts in from the outside.

Hats off.

Pg. 27)

Quoted Text GABRIEL Who do you think died in the park? Samson?

I'd rewrite that question since no one dies in the park. Maybe something like: 'Do you think Samson died in the park?'

Pg. 28 )

Quoted Text She turns to the oven, opens it. Turns the gas knob on. Slowly she kneels next to it. Then, she sticks her head inside and inhales.

Mmm. Not sure why she does that. I guess she's trying to commit suicide before gurza gets to her first. But I'm still not sure. This scene needs a little work.

Pg. 31)

Quoted Text He looks up to see his mother--

Wow. I didn't expect that. Good job.

Pg. 32)

Quoted Text BANU He killed his mother after all.

At this point in the story, I'm not sure what leads her to draw this conclusion. It feels a little out of place IMO.

Quoted Text Gabriel shrugs. Banu puts on her hat.

There's an odd spacing between these two lines. You may want to check the formatting. I think the second line is formatted as a header instead of an action line.

Pg. 35)

Quoted Text She reaches into her purse, dials her mother. BANU (into phone) Mom, hey. I'm still here. He just left, talked about me looking like a snake and how yellow my eyes were. No, it wasn't light in the store, it's dim all the time even in the mornings, you know that. Yes, we agreed to meet tomorrow, there are two more paintings left. Okay, love you.

I think you can cut to the next scene after:

Quoted Text She reaches into her purse, dials her mother.

Pg. 35)

Quoted Text It's ROGER (25), a gallery help.

Liked the inclusion of Roger. The gallery scenes started to feel a little repetitive and he's a fresh character that brings something new we didn't know about Banu's life.

Pg. 38 )

Quoted Text BANU Do you mean to tell me he killed someone then painted it and you got to witness the whole thing?

Still not sure what leads her to draw this conclusion. It feels like she's obsessed with the painter being a killer when all we know, at this point, is that he's trying to survive gurza's curse.

Pg. 44)

Quoted Text JEYLA Davood?

I was already expecting this, but you handled it well.

Quoted Text We see a hat in the woman's hands. The same hat Banu wore the other day.

Okay, same here.

Well, it's getting a bit late here so I'm going to stop for now.

Overall, I think you have a good story in your hands. The script is well-written and a quick read, and Banu and Gabriel work pretty well as lead characters. Besides, it's an interesting take on a legend that is unknown for most people, me included. It's more of a dark mystery than a straight horror, but it shifts a little towards the end, which is cool.

Hope the notes help. I will post the rest of my comments tomorrow.

David

Second batch of comments...

Pg. 47)

Quoted Text BANU They found mother in the park. How’s that possible?

I think you should delete the last line, “How’s that possible”. “They found mother in the park” is an important line of dialogue, and deleting the last line will stress its importance.

Quoted Text She suddenly gets a revelation.

I’d suggest to add some visuals. Banu may furrow her brow or open her eyes…

Pg. 48 )

Quoted Text BANU Haha. The autopsy is tomorrow morning. As soon as they state it’s a snake bite they’ll lock you up. And you’ll be my only relative that’s in prison.

This sounds a little childish IMO. I know Banu is young, but it feels a little out of character. I’d suggest removing the ‘Haha’ and replacing it by “My only relative? My only relative in prison, you mean. The autopsy is tomorrow…” or something like that.

Pg. 51)

Quoted Text In a moment she sees the gray body again. It’s much closer this time.

Really liked this scene. Good job. This is the kind of scene I was expecting when I first read the logline.

Quoted Text Banu hysterically laughs at that, swerves away from Gabriel, strides away.

Same thing as with the ‘Haha’. The hysterical laugh feels a bit out of place.

Pg. 53)

Quoted Text Gabriel freezes. In a moment he collects himself and reaches for the door. He opens the door to GARY, a policeman.

Liked Gary’s sequence.

Pg. 55)

Quoted Text Gabriel locks the door behind Gary. Gabriel walks back into the kitchen.

Another nitpick. It would be great if you could change the perspective: Gabriel locks/He walks.

Pg. 57)

Quoted Text He grabs the snake out of the aquarium,

A small typo. The comma.

WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD:

Pg. 58 )

Quoted Text Jeyla lies in bed, half of her body covered in cast – her neck, her elbow and shoulder. Her head is heavily bandaged.

I didn’t expect this one. Well done.

Pg. 61)

Another small suggestion:

Quoted Text BANU Remember you said we need to stick together? You were right. I don’t want a damn snake to bite me.

Pg. 62)

Quoted Text BANU That means you lied about Samson.

Hats off, again. I really like it when the writer uses an unreliable narrator. It keeps you guessing or surprises you - Dan Fogelman’s script Life Itself is a great example of that.

Pg. 66)

Okay, I’m a little lost.

Quoted Text EXT. PARK - DAY Banu, dressed in spring colors, sits on a bench and texts Roger: “Where” […] INT. JEYLA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jeyla lies in bed, all bandaged up like the last time. […] EXT. PARK - DAY Roger lurks from behind a row of trees. […]

Is this a flashback or the action spans several days? You should clarify...

Quoted Text Roger pushes Gabriel toward the fire.

I found this a little cruel for Roger to do. We know Gabriel is bad – he killed Samson – but I don’t think any of them (Roger, Banu or Jeyla) would push him or plan to set him on fire. This strikes me as a real cruel death, and none of them seems to be so cruel. So, one of two: either you show us Gabriel is pure evil, or he sets himself on fire by accident and gets the death he deserves. But without their active involvement.

Okay, these are all my notes.

I think I covered it all, more or less, but, if there’s anything else you wanted me to comment on that I didn’t, tell me and I’d be happy to.

Good job, Kham - I found Gurza to be an entertaining read and an interesting story.

David

Hi David.

Thank you so much.

And yes - I was worried about that killing Gabriel scene. An accident - why didn't I think of that. Thanks for telling me.

I'll also start working on other logic issues such as his mother killing herself and Banu jumping to conclusions about Davood killing his mother and Samson. His mother decided Davood was a killer and couldn't take it. About Banu - I need to clarify here what she's trying to say - killing is not the best word. He rather led her up to committing suicide.
The fixes are easy and thanks for pointing out concrete things that need work.

Also thanks for all the grammar fixes, other smaller stuff that needs clarification and everything else. You made very good and helpful points.
Thank you very much! I'll get to it right away.

Quoted from khamanna Hi David. Thank you so much. And yes - I was worried about that killing Gabriel scene. An accident - why didn't I think of that. Thanks for telling me. I'll also start working on other logic issues such as his mother killing herself and Banu jumping to conclusions about Davood killing his mother and Samson. His mother decided Davood was a killer and couldn't take it. About Banu - I need to clarify here what she's trying to say - killing is not the best word. He rather led her up to committing suicide. The fixes are easy and thanks for pointing out concrete things that need work. Also thanks for all the grammar fixes, other smaller stuff that needs clarification and everything else. You made very good and helpful points. Thank you very much! I'll get to it right away.

Glad it was of help :). Keep up the good work.