Hi Fausto
I'm sure I have seen your name on something else I have read. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
Anyway, this story
I think you overuse the ellipsis and don't use it correctly - I suggest researching this.
Generally, I didn't find the writing too bad - I could follow pretty easily. Can be sharpened up in places, and certain phrasing can be removed. Example -
Quoted Text A cavernous voice rises from the chair in the direction of
Gilbert.
It is the voice of Primus Ghost the PowerDeath lottery's
CEO. |
That second line is just not needed. The audience won't know who is speaking unless they are introduced. This is a case of telling the reader, not the audience.
I am also struggling to imagine what a cavernous voice sounds like - cavernous is a visual description.
There is also a lot of "looks like" in here - "He looks confused" - you only need to write confused. Others will say don't give the actors direction. I say, conveying emotions/expressions/small physical cues can help set a tone/character etc - BUT, only when used when necessary, and not overdone - In this script, it is over done.
On to the Story.
I like the premise, don't much like the execution. Personally, I don't think the CEO ghost guy should be invisible - this is a visual medium after all - and him being invisible doesn't add anything, just takes away.
Also don't like the ending - This dream, is basically his "don't walk into the light" moment, where he either gives up or carries the fight - Seems to me he gives up by claiming his prize, but then he wakes up alive? - No repercussions to the story, just a bad dream.
Anyway, good job