Satan Claws by Matthew Taylor - Short, Comedy, Horror - An anxious boys Christmas joy is in danger when he discovers the truth behind Santa. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Matt,

I liked this story.  It works for me overall.

The one thing I would question is that the boy's eight and the way he talks.  It's as if he's a boy a few years older.  Plus, the mother was quick to tell Chris the truth.  And that in my opinion surely wouldn't happen at such a young age.  

And also, the camera's a bit odd.  Maybe people do this.  I don't know.

I like the premise.  The start and the end.  It was also a fairly easy read too.  And I like the idea too.

Good job.

Evening

Thank you very much for giving this a read and commenting.

Your first two points I would agree with wholeheartedly. I should really add more of a struggle of the mother to tell the son, ultimately she want's to tell him the truth because the alternative is her son believing Satan is coming down the chimney - I need to readdress this.

I very much struggle with dialogue, working on it but I assume it will come with time and practice - I hope anyway.

The camera, I have not made this up, have you not seen these things for sale? Santa cams, parents put these thing up and I think they are horrible lol I also read a story recently about a schoolteacher putting one up in the classroom so the kids behaved, the parents were outraged lol.

Anyway, the read is appreciated. If I can return the favour drop me a PM - I'm not great but I am honest lol

Matt

Enjoyed reading this, not boring. And it’s nice to read a script where every adjective is not capitalised.  I think it works overall as a dark Christmas fantasy short. The dramatic scene on the roof at the start pulled me into the story.
Some have questioned the maturity of 8-year-old Chris’ dialogue, but adult talking kids is a well known tool used in comedy.
Satanic Santa was an interesting monster, I think you should give him a more vivid description.
I like the Usual Suspect quote on page 3, but Devils should be ‘Devil’s’
Satanic Santa is quite a character.
On page is it Linda that screams? That was unclear to me, maybe you should indicate who it is.

Matt, gave this a read this evening as I'm trying to get back into doing more reviews.  

My initial thought was that this was a nice little effort with some fun elements to it.  The concept is nice, but I think it can do with a little editing.  Thoughts: An eight year old kid on the roof hammering boards on the chimney?   This might work if you're going for a "Home Alone" type kid, and if you're going for straight comedy, then maybe that'll fly.  But if you're trying to make this filmable, then instead of having him on the roof, he passes by his parents in the living room with boards and a hammer, and they catch him trying to board up the fireplace from the inside -- and if there's a fire already going, makes the visual even more humorous.

I'm not sure I would change the way he talks -- if anything, I'd make him even more adult-like, kind of like Kevin in "Home Alone" or Calvin in the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip.  Would add to the levity, I think.

As to the Satan character -- I would find a way NOT to make it his dad the Satan character but actually have it be Satan.  Play that angle up, as I feel like the ending right now falls just a tad flat.  

Still, a pretty good effort here.  Good luck with it!

Gary