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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  The Take Over
Posted by: Don, December 6th, 2018, 6:32pm
The Take Over by Duane Kinnard - Action, Adventure - A Special Operations Ranger is summoned into action when a senators daughter is kidnaped from the city of Chicago by foreign mafia. 120 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, December 7th, 2018, 5:47pm; Reply: 1
Duane:

You can't do this:


Quoted Text
Intro - LUKE DALTON The Take Over is a Military Ops
Specialist that is called on to do special operations jobs
for the United States. He's a hard ass, somewhat of a
drinker. He goes through life on an up and downward spiral
thinking about his best friend, that died on a day that he
was standing guard in the Gulf War. He feels he's the blame
and puts himself through turmoil. He survives through his
work.


Everything in a script must be seen (action) or heard (dialogue). Your telling - which is a no no. i.e., there is no way to film that Luke is a Special Ops Agent or a bad ass.

Same issue here:


Quoted Text
The bartender knows Luke and knows that he is going through
another moment of feeling guilt. Luke grappling his drink
with both hands. He's a little hung over.


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