Hey, Chris: Waiting to leave for the family XMAS - so got time for 1/2 page review.
Quoted Text INT. LIVING ROOM/COTTAGE - NIGHT
The room is pitch black. Outside, a storm is raging. After a
couple beats we hear the fiddling of a key in a lock and the
door swings open, letting in quite a bit of snow.
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You never need to repeat your setting in your description when it is already in the header. i.e., The room is pitch black can simple be Pitch black.
You combined an interior location with an outside event. Since we can't see a storm is raging - tells us how we would know from the inside. i.e., Windows rattle from the wind or something.
In this case, I might open with an EXT shot of Steve driving in the storm - i.e., on his way to the cabin.
The light is switched on by STEVEN (37), covered in snow and
carrying a suitcase. He breathes a sigh of relief.
STEVEN
Thank Christ. At least there’s
power.
Quoted Text He closes the door and drops his suitcase carelessly on the
floor.
He brushes the snow off himself, but leaves his coat on. He
can see his own breath as he makes his way towards the
thermostat. He turns up the heat until he hears the furnace
kicking in. |
Shake it up. The "he's" get monotonous. You got six of them in the space of 5 lines. For example - another way of saying the same as above:
Steve closes the door, drops his suitcase carelessly on the
floor, brushes the snow off his coat,
His breath fogs the air as he makes his way towards the
thermostat. He turns up the heat. Moments later the furnace
kicks in.
Or something like that. The point being - try not to start every action line with he or she.