The Camper by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Thriller - A lone camper's peace and quiet is ruined when someone watches him from within his tent. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

*******

"Just letting you know my script the Camper got picked up (warts in all) from Simply Scripts by a couple of actors."

Kirsten,

Gave this a read today.  

** Spoilers **

I definitely would lose the "Stupid little fuck" line by Darryl.  It just doesn't seem like his character would say that.  He seems calm and collected, so it was off.  I had written down that I'd take the last part out entirely, but the more I think about it, it's a good ending with him talking to his wife.  It really highlights his double life.  

With regards to the rest of it, not too bad, but possibly look at shorting some of your action lines.  For instance, on page 3 you write "Darryl comes to a stop in the same clearing...".  Something like that could condensed to "Darryl stops in the same clearing...".  Small things like that throughout could really tighten this up and make it pop even more.  

Nice twist on the end with Darryl being a killer.

Good luck with it!

Nolan  

A 5 pager, not a 6 pager. I like the simplicity of this. It is very clearly written and easy to follow.
I like the eerie silence of the camper on his own in the woods. The narrative style is consistent throughout.

I like the 'Stupid little fuck" line, I think it reveals a part of his character that we were unaware of.
A few times You change between 'the Figure' and 'the figure'.

This should be very easy to make.

Hey, Kirsten:

This certainly did not end up going where I thought it was.

SPOILERS

Although the twist was rewarding - I did feel a bit of a logic hurdle in terms of how you got there. That is, gotta believe that a kid would be on a 30 hour joke/trick to catch one dude out in the wilderness with camera shots. Couldn't see that happening so that plot point did not resonant with me.

Well written for the most part. A couple of nit issues.  

Before he goes into the tent, our hero is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. When he opens his backpack for the first time he's wearing a thermal to and jogging pants. Did he change clothes before retrieving his backpack?

EXT. SMALL CLEARING - LATER
A medium sized standup tent is pitched with its back to
the woods. A backpack sits outside the tent door.
Darryl crawls out of the tent and pulls the backpack in.

Quoted Text INT. TENT Darryl unpacks a jersey and puts it on over his tightly fitting thermal top, grabs his smart phone, slides it into the back pocket of his jogging pants and steps out… Okay - a real nit. EXT. TENT

Technically, these both should be full slugs since you are going from INT to EXT. e.g., would be

INT. TENT - DAY
EXT. TENT - DAY

I don't mind violating the rule because it is clear where we are. But it's a bit off to use half of a full slug. I think it's more pleasing to the eye (if you going to violate the rule anyway) to just go with:

INSIDE THE TENT

OUTSIDE THE TENT

Like I said - a real nitty issue.

Nice job overall - a quick read

Like Dave, I found the prankster a little too convoluted. I understand that you've done this to misdirect the reader, but you've pushed the boundaries too far and that makes this short unbelievable.

The thing with the phone... I had it down that it was his wife/gf dead in the car and that he was just nuts talking to nobody. Another reviewer here figured he had a double life, so you might want to clear that up too.

All the best,

Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line.

Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot!

Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's  not enough, so thank you for pointing that out. :)

Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing.

I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.

Quoted from Kirsten Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line. Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot! Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's  not enough, so thank you for pointing that out. :) Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing. I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.

You're welcome, Kirsten - best of luck with this

Hey Kirsten,

I really like the way you write. It's simple and concise, but still quite visual. I had no trouble at all imagining this my head.

Unfortunately, the story just didn't do it for me. It started out well enough. You established that Daryll wasn't alone and built some early tension. I really enjoyed the sequence where the figure sneaks into Daryll's tent the first night and takes pictures. You showed some good restraint here. Really creepy sequence.

The twist ending is what turned me off of this. I appreciate some good misdirection, but unfortunately I wasn't a fan of the payoff. I was more curious about the hooded figure than I was in Daryll's  motives.

I'd also work on the dialog a bit. Nothing horrible, but it can be tightened up a bit. I didn't really like the "stupid little fuck" line.

Spoilers.

Why did Daryll just leave that body in his car? Why not bury it? And what was the hooded figures ultimate plan? Just to take pictures?

Good writing here, but the story just left me disappointed.

Zack

Hi Zack, thank you so much for the read and comments. I'm really glad you liked the writing, I've always struggled with that, so it means things are on on the up and up...:)

I'm definitely working on this, I might even do away with the twist.

To answer your questions, 1, good question :) 2, he is a fledgling sociopath that likes to freak people out. Darryl was suppose to see those picks and react.  

Good questions, because answering them makes me realize they were questions I should have answered to get rid of plot holes. :)

Hey Kirsten

Spoilers!

In no particular order but these are my thoughts about the script:

I think this can be done in one day since I find it weird the camper wouldn’t wake up the first time. I mean, he puts the knife next to the phone for a reason. Lol.

I think you missed a good opportunity in decieving the reader here. How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens? But it depends on how you want to take the story?

It’s easy to film and has good content.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Kirsten How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens?

That is what happens in the story already.

Spoilers!

To be more specific. When the the pics are taken for the first time, Instead of showing the guy taking the pic, show the camper seeing the pics on his cell.

Also, don’t have him put the knife ewith the cell, dead giveaway. Lol.

I never got the sense the camper was in danger

Gabe

One more thing, Kirsten. And this is a nit pick.

The weapon Daryll uses switches back and forth from a hunting knife to a machete. Threw me off for a second, but I believe this is just a typo.

Please let me know when the rewrite is up. I'd like to see what else you do with this.

Zack

Like the irony in that the creeper is really the good guy in the end.

I think I would cut out the stuff about the kid. Otherwise the kid would've called the cop or something.

Pia and I did a film where a similar situation happens with a cell phone... :)

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I never got the sense the camper was in danger

So, if you knew somebody had been creeping into your tent at night and taking pictures of you while you slept, that wouldn't represent a danger to you?

Spoilers!

Dustin,

pg. 4

(EXT. CLEARING IN WOODS
Darryl comes to a stop in the same clearing as yesterday. The morning sun gives the view a different look. He pulls out his phone and takes another photo.

He looks at the picture and seems happy with it. He doesn�t notice the newly acquired photos from last night.)

The camper is unaware of the pics. This is what I was referencing to. The premise is based on him noticing those pics but it never happened. So, what was the point in doing it? The camper is enjoying his day. And the fact that the camper puts the knife and cell together but, the figure takes the cell instead, doesn�t impose a threat. This script can be shortened or lengthened depending on how the writer wants to take the story. I say shortened since it�ll cost less to make and help the writer to get more creative.

Hope this clears things up,

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The camper is unaware of the pics. This is what I was referencing to. The premise is based on him noticing those pics but it never happened.

The misdirection is for the viewer. The viewer is meant to believe the camper is a potential victim of the photo taker until the reveal that the opposite is true.

I don't think it would help the story at all if the viewer got to see that the camper knew somebody was taking pix of him. That's not the point of the story at all.

Dustin

Let’s agree to disagree then? No ones right nor wrong here. Just offered a helping review to the writer.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Dustin Let’s agree to disagree then? No ones right nor wrong here. Just offered a helping review to the writer. Gabe

No, let's not agree to disagree... Somebody clearly is right and somebody clearly is wrong. If the reviewer is confused (not the fault of the writer), then I'm not sure how helpful a review from them can be. I was just trying to clear that up for you, not put it up for debate.

One thing I love about writing is it is always open to interpretation. People are individuals with their own thoughts on things, and are free to stray from the herd. Often when I write or re-read what I have written, I will learn new things about my script, and get new, sometimes better ideas to incorporate into it. Sometimes I will think of different meanings behind what my writing partner and I have written.

Dustin

The writer will judge my review�s validity. I offered a suggestion that the writer can consider incorporating into his/her story, nothing more. The suggestion may differ from what the other reviewers have mentioned or what the writer originally had intended but, it�s a suggestion relevant to the story. In no way did I say nor imply the writer or other reviewers are wrong, just to consider a different option.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Dustin ...but, it�s a suggestion relevant to the story. In no way did I say nor imply the writer or other reviewers are wrong, just to consider a different option.

I can't believe that what I have said has gone straight over your head.

First of all, you said that you didn't get a sense the camper was in danger. Then when I question that by putting you in the camper's shoes and asking if you would be scared, you ignore that and talk about the camper being unaware of the stranger. The camper does not need to be aware of the stranger taking pix, only the viewer does. It is the viewer being misdirected.

What is there to disagree about?

Dustin

Nothing which I’m leaving as that.

I’m going to leave this thread alone until the writer returns with possibly a new draft in which I’ll review it.

Have a good day,

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Dustin Nothing which I’m leaving as that. I’m going to leave this thread alone until the writer returns with possibly a new draft in which I’ll review it. Have a good day, Gabe

So you completely ignore the logic again for favour of making a post that says you're not going to say anything. In the time it took you to write that you could have tackled the fallacies in your argument. How pathetic.

Hey Kirsten,

Thought I'd check this out. And also wanted to see what all the fuss is about

SPOILERS

So I'm sorry Gabe, but this is literally what happens. Its not up for interpretation, it just is what it is.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Kirsten How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens?

The camper does have reason to be worried and there is a reason for him to take out the knife.

Quoted Text A twig snaps in the woods. He turns towards the sound and listens. He turns back to his book, slams it shut. Grabs a jug of water from beside his chair and pours it on the fire. He looks uneasily into the woods then heads into the tent. INT. TENT - NIGHT Darryl, now in his underwear, grabs a large hunting knife from out of his bag and puts it by his phone.

We are led to believe he suspects someone is there, this in no way leads to the assumption that he is a killer.

Kirsten, you swap between a large hunting knife, a knife, and machete, which is it? Knife or machete, they are quite different.

Quoted Text He steps back and sees Darryl is holding a large knife. YOUNG MAN/FIGURE Please, I was just playing! Please I’m sick, I know I need help! Just please don’t hurt me! Darryl lifts the machete up and lunges for the Young Man.

Not a bad little short, easy to make.

Good luck with it.

Hey Dustin and Warren

Spoilers!

I wanted to apologize especially with the “making the camper a target” quote.

It’s clear that the camper is a target but I didn’t find the fear factor to strong. I believe it would be escalated further if the camper sees the pics.

The twig sound could’ve been an animal. Maybe make it more specific to the kid stalking by inserting the scene of the kid watching after the sound is made?

But I have feeling my advice is not going to be taken so I have no problem with that. As long as I helped the writer to the best of my ability, I did my job. Some may disagree with that and your entitled to it.

Gabe

Dustin, your negativity and your poor social skills are giving me cancer, they're that toxic. Why don't you stop manipulating the conversation to try and make yourself sound correct? Are you a part-time or full-time troll? It's not a healthy way to live being as angry as you. Long story short, I dread every time I spot one of your comments, for fear of it just being another attempt to break down one of your fellow writer's spirits. You make me sick.

Hi guys! Sorry, stop the press! it's all good.....:)

The machete is my error. I was in a rush to post this, (see, rushing means mistakes, mistakes means confusion).
I originally wanted to use the machete for horror effect, but last minute realized it would be confusing. I my mind since he's a killer he had a machete in his backpack.

Gabe, I need to make the premise clearer. Darryl doesn't see the pictures. And he doesn't know that the creeper was in the tent the first night, but he figures it out the second night. This is were it got confusing, I need to show that Darryl sees him.

No problems Kirsten. Can’t wait for next draft.

Gabe

Quoted from Kirsten ... I need to show that Darryl sees him.

You don't need to do that. Just because one person is confused it doesn't mean everyone else will be or are.

The viewer realises the camper knows about the creeper because he is a killer and obviously the wilier of the two. The end says this all without you needing to show it. The viewer should make that connection. if they don't, that is not your fault. Don't dumb down your work.

But, it's up to you.

Exhibit number four-thousand, Dustin. Grow up.

henb - you started that little exchange by attacking Dustin unprovoked.

If you have a problem with a member of the forums, I would suggest you ignore them rather than partaking in a public verbal battle. Try and keep the thread on topic.

Kirsten - I owe you a read, however I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. When/if you rewrite this, let me know and I will be happy to give it a read.

Regards

Matt

Well, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Dustin can be a real arsehole.  Arguing and belittling peeps for no other reason than just to do it, is common practice for him.

I read this awhile ago, and decided not to post, but after all this attention, I might as well now.

I decided I better reread and comment, as opposed to go off memory.  So, Kristen, you get some fresh feedback here.

Overall, this didn't do much of anything for me, which is why I chose not to comment initially.  Thinking back, there's little that stuck out, nothing very visual, and no characters that were memorable.  Basically, when thinking back, it was just bland.

On the reread, I now see why.  I'll give you some line by line info in a few, but for now, let me just throw some stuff out there...

The setting itself is bland and uninspired.  We don't know where this takes place...we don't know what it's near...we don't know what time of year it is.  These are such simple fixes, but such important ones, as well, IMO.

We have 2 onscreen characters and only 1 is named, and this happens to be the main character, as even the script itself is named after him.  But he doesn't have much personality.  He doesn't do anything remotely unique or memorable.  Hell, he doesn't even drink and party when he's hanging in the woods - instead, he reads a book?  Damn...not the dude I want to hang with!  Not naming the other character is a mistake, and having him wear a long hooded black cloak is rather goofy.  Where is this "kid" coming from?  Is he camping as well, and just enjoys wearing long black hooded cloaks to creep peeps out?  Does he live nearby?  Is there a town nearby?

Finally (and also laid out above in ways), from a logical and logistics standpoint, this makes zero sense, and because of that, I can't just buy in.  For your twist to be successful, we have to care and fear for your characters.  The actions of your characters have to make sense, and sadly, they just don't for me at all.

Let's jump in on the 1st page and take a line by line look.

Opening Slug is problematic for me.  I used to be quite the camper, so I'm familiar with campsites, car camping, and real, backpack camping.  I'm not sure what this is, based on the setting, but what i visualize, based on the Slug, is exactly what the Slug states, and that doesn't make sense to me.

Your opening passage is 4 lines, but doesn't really tell us anything about Darryl, other than very common physical things...but...you chose to add in an extra line, which is basically an aside, and you say that he's "slim", and "looks fit".  With jeans and a sweatshirt on, this isn't going to be discernible at all.  But that aside really throws it over the top, andthere's just no way anyone would "get this", just by seeing what you've described.  Does that make sense?

The next passage is also problematic, and it all comes back to the problematic Slug.  We're already in a clearing, but you say he "heads towards an opening in the woods".  This doesn't make any sense at all, as he's already in an opening in the woods.

You then incorrectly use a new Slug, when it should actually be an INSERT (or Close Up).  "CAR SIDE MIRROR" is not a Slug you should ever use.  The line that follows is very awkwardly written.

OK, you with me so far?  Next Slug, again is problematic.  We're in another "clearing", this time, it's a "small clearing", and the time element is "LATER", which doesn't really tell us much, in terms of how far away the "campsite" is from the car.  Slug should be "CAMPSITE" or the like.  As we find out later in the script, it's actually very important how far the car is from the campsite.

Next, you go with 2 hybrid Slugs in a row - hybrid because they're not full Slugs, and they're not Mini Slugs.  They're not correct as written.

Next Slug, and we're back in another damn clearing, this time, "CLEARING IN THE WOODS".  And you use "CONTINUOUS" as the time element, but that's totally incorrect!  How could this new scene be continuous with the last?  He had to jog to get here, so time has passed.  And, maybe more importantly, this isn't a clearing at all, based the passage that follows.  A clearing is within a wooded area, as in there are woods all around it - it can't open up to "rolling hills and farmland."

Even the 1 way phone conversation that follows isn't properly formatted.  Peeps may hate using "BEAT", but in this situation, it's a must, as there will be clear pauses while Darryl is listening to what's being said on the phone.

Hope this makes sense and helps.  My advice, fix up your Slugs.  Give your main character some qualities that make him likeable.  Fix up the logic issues.  Make it clear where we are, and the proximity of different scenes.  Name both characters and get rid of the cloak thing.

Your twist is nice, but doesn't really work as you want, based on how things play out.

As the story stands.  I think it’s not bad.

Personally, if you go with the ending and not reveal this figure early on.  That second photo he’s about to send.  That’s the moment he sees photos of himself.  And then the figure kills him, takes a new photo of him, and sends that to the wife.

Two cents.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I wanted to apologize especially with the “making the camper a target” quote.

Definitely don't need an apology:) Just felt it needed some clarification.

I think it does require an apology because he didn't read the script properly and then gave unsound advice on how best to change the story. This advice appears to have been taken on board.


I don't understand why writers change their stories just because of one reviewer. It's not even a real reviewer, it's just another writer with their opinion. If they knew what to do, they'd be doing it. Do their own stories work? What makes you think they can help with yours?

It's just an opinion... and likely a weak one at that.



As an aside, I also didn't call anybody pathetic. The refusal to accept or challenge the logic was though. Refusing to engage and not accept you're wrong is pathetic.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think it does require an apology because he didn't read the script properly and then gave unsound advice on how best to change the story. This advice appears to have been taken on board.

I don't personally need an apology. I weighed in after the fact.

Quoted from Warren I don't personally need an apology. I weighed in after the fact.

I don't need an apology either. I was referring to the writer. The reviewer made a mistake, he apologised for it and that's cool. All I wanted was for him to recognise that he made an error. Personally, I couldn't give a toss.

Hi guys, I've been really busy and haven't had enough time headspace wise to respond to the awesome feedback. I will asap.  But just want you to know everyone's feedback regardless of what it entails is incredibly valuable to me  and I know will help improve  things my end, big time.....hugs to you all :) :).:).:)........

"Just letting you know my script the Camper got picked up (warts in all) from Simply Scripts by a couple of actors."

Congrats, Kirsten! That's awesome. ;D

Did you ever get around to doing a rewrite of this?

Great news, Kirsten. Congratulations!

Congrats - looking forward to seeing it.

Thanks Steve , Zack and Dave

Zack..I was working on an edit and it was driving me nuts... then I was going to throw it the drawer so to speak, then I get an email. I have fixed some of it for the guys who want to film it...

I was trying to bring the Campers character off the page and give some insight into who the creeper was, but it didn't feel right and my camper was just too nice. I think I liked that he is portrayed as pretty boring cause he is, on a superficial level, while underneath he's bad!!!

I think it's an easy one to film and there's stuff all dialogue...

Dave... I've had a few picked up and never finished so fingers crossed with this. I do have a little production team finishing up their version of my script ruined. They are going to credit me as Based on the Script Ruined by....so that's better than a kick in the pants... plus I have a contact and these guys are very dedicated. :) :). So it's not all bad :).

Quoted from Kirsten Thanks Steve , Zack and Dave Zack..I was working on an edit and it was driving me nuts... then I was going to throw it the drawer so to speak, then I get an email. I have fixed some of it for the guys who want to film it... I was trying to bring the Campers character off the page and give some insight into who the creeper was, but it didn't feel right and my camper was just too nice. I think I liked that he is portrayed as pretty boring cause he is, on a superficial level, while underneath he's bad!!! I think it's an easy one to film and there's stuff all dialogue... Dave... I've had a few picked up and never finished so fingers crossed with this. I do have a little production team finishing up their version of my script ruined. They are going to credit me as Based on the Script Ruined by....so that's better than a kick in the pants... plus I have a contact and these guys are very dedicated. :) :). So it's not all bad :).

Well, will keep my fingers crossed for this one! Maybe the break through.

Congrats, was a good little script. Keep us posted.

Congrats. Fingers crossed. Keep us posted.

Gabe

Thanks Gabe and Warren, I'll definitely keep everyone posted... :)

Well done Kirsten - Fingers crossed this one goes all the way.

Thanks Matthew....:) :)

Great thread, lol. Congrats on the pickup.

BLB

Hi BLB,

Yeah, I got scared away, I wasn't planning on all the conflict lol... I wish I could have chimed back in earlier, but I was dealing with some personal stuff and didn't have my head in the right place to respond properly lol...

And thanks for the congrats.... :)  I finally got the new draft of this up.  

This got picked up again.... I think the last guy has ditched it.... emailed him bout a month ago and haven't heard back...

Quoted from Kirsten I think the last guy has ditched it.... emailed him bout a month ago and haven't heard back...

Bummer. But I guess that's just part of the game.

Hopefully this actually gets picked up. Good luck, Kirsten.

Thanks Zack, this new director has plans to incorporate this into a feature of short horrors, so sounds like it's a goer...😁.

Hi, Kirsten,

Read this one a while ago, so had to look around a bit in the forum to find it.

I really liked the silent intrusion and the payoff at the end for the Young Man's playing around.

I also think that a slightly different version of the story floats around on the internet as creepypasta( I guess). But even then, transforming it into your own script is a victory in itself.

Few problems( mainly with the sluglines) and a minor continuity error spotted. But I'm sure they already have been addressed.

One more thing, was it written in MS word? Just curious to know.

Also, congrats for the script been picked (again). How's the development?

Hey Yuvraj, sorry I didn't see this until just now!  Thanks heaps for taking a look.. I'm curious to see what the creepy pasta short is... I had no idea about that one lol.... Anyways the producer said everything is ready to go they are just waiting for things to open up.... the script had an extended re write, to fit into the horror anthology. It's one of four shorts. The producer is new but he's working on a werewolf feature with Kane Hodder, who's been in a few slasher horrors and has played Jason in the friday the 13th parts 7 to 10. The writer that worked on the Camper script is a director/producer/screenwriter who's written a tone of B slasher/comedy  films and dramas etc. His name is Rolf Kanefsky. if you have seen Scream, apparently people think that is a rip off of Rolfs first feature film in 1991 called 'there's something out there'. It's a comedy/horror.

Update...This is the campaign for the horror anthology being made by Grimehouse Films. Eric Mathis and the team have done a great job and have raised 50,000 for the film.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-macabre-horror-movie/x/21778627#/

Wow, that's awesome, congrats!!

Thanks Warren! Hows your comic sales coming along?