The Beginning by David Gonzalez - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.  2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written, David.

Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.

Quoted from Philostrate Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.

My pleasure.  Great read.

The script reads well, but the log line doesn't - unless I am misreading it

Hi Matthew,

Thanks.

I didn't want to repeat the word "dead" two times in the same sentence, but I think that leads to confusion.

Does this one read better?

**A husband mourns her late wife at a cemetery or isn’t she dead?**

Maybe - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.

Dave's example reads much better.

Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.

Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.

And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.

Quoted from Philostrate Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better. Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome. And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.

Glad it helped

Hi David,

Quoted Text His eyes slowly make his way down, toward a vase brimming with burgundy roses.

I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.

Good luck with it.

Quoted Text I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Good eye - thanks!

Quoted Text Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly. Good luck with it.

Thanks, Warren. I like your one-pagers and I'd been wanting to write something similar for some time. That's the closest I've come so far.

Wow I was not expecting that ending. Caught me off guard. Well done!

Read it twice. Easy to do right? hehe. Still don't get it. Is the woman with the black hair their daughter? The script reads well and flows but maybe meant to be ambivalent.

One confusing line: "You don't believe me, don't you."

Should it be: "You don't believe me, do you?"

or "You believe me, don't you?"

Mike, Rennie - thanks for the reads and the feedback. I appreciate it.

I know that everybody's busy with the writer's tournament, but I thought that I could share this.

Andrea Mercado, a storyboard artist that is trying to get into the animation industry, adapted the script into a storyboard and then made an animatic sequence out of it.

That's the closest I got to having a script adapted as an animation and I think it looks pretty cool, very close at how I imagined it.

Nice!

For a two page, I feel the writing: MARGARET (CONT'D) four times in a row with a single action line between... should maybe not have been inserted ?

But, yeah well written nice story.    

Wow... Andrea done a nice job overlapping the storyboard to your story.

Quoted from BarryJohn For a two page, I feel the writing: MARGARET (CONT'D) four times in a row with a single action line between... should maybe not have been inserted ? But, yeah well written nice story.

Thanks for the read, Barry.

Quoted from eldave1 Nice!

Quoted from BarryJohn Wow... Andrea done a nice job overlapping the storyboard to your story.

Yeah, Andread did a great job imho.