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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Drama Scripts  /  The Beginning
Posted by: Don, January 13th, 2019, 9:50am
The Beginning by David Gonzalez - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.  2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, January 13th, 2019, 11:01am; Reply: 1
Well written, David.
Posted by: Philostrate, January 13th, 2019, 4:23pm; Reply: 2
Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.
Posted by: eldave1, January 13th, 2019, 4:45pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from Philostrate
Thanks, Dave! These words mean a lot coming from you.


My pleasure.  Great read.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, January 13th, 2019, 4:48pm; Reply: 4
The script reads well, but the log line doesn't - unless I am misreading it
Posted by: Philostrate, January 13th, 2019, 5:55pm; Reply: 5
Hi Matthew,

Thanks.

I didn't want to repeat the word "dead" two times in the same sentence, but I think that leads to confusion.

Does this one read better?

**A husband mourns her late wife at a cemetery or isnít she dead?**
Posted by: eldave1, January 13th, 2019, 6:22pm; Reply: 6
Maybe - A husband mourning his wife at the cemetery gets consoled by the last person he expected.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, January 14th, 2019, 4:32am; Reply: 7
Dave's example reads much better.
Posted by: Philostrate, January 14th, 2019, 1:02pm; Reply: 8
Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.

Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.

And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.
Posted by: eldave1, January 14th, 2019, 1:04pm; Reply: 9

Quoted from Philostrate
Not only reads, it conveys the idea a lot better.

Many thanks, Dave. I just changed the logline in my website. I'll ask Don to change it in here as well. Feedback like this is what makes this site so awesome.

And thanks to Matthew for raising the question in the first place.


Glad it helped
Posted by: Warren, January 14th, 2019, 8:02pm; Reply: 10
Hi David,


Quoted Text
His eyes slowly make his way down, toward a vase brimming
with burgundy roses.


I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.

Good luck with it.
Posted by: Philostrate, January 15th, 2019, 10:55am; Reply: 11

Quoted Text
I think this should read - His eyes slowly make their way down

Good eye - thanks!

Quoted Text

Really good short, and easy to make. I can see this getting snapped up really quickly.

Good luck with it.

Thanks, Warren. I like your one-pagers and I'd been wanting to write something similar for some time. That's the closest I've come so far.
Posted by: MikeK, July 11th, 2019, 9:07pm; Reply: 12
Wow I was not expecting that ending. Caught me off guard. Well done!
Posted by: Arundel, July 11th, 2019, 10:06pm; Reply: 13
Read it twice. Easy to do right? hehe. Still don't get it. Is the woman with the black hair their daughter? The script reads well and flows but maybe meant to be ambivalent.

One confusing line: "You don't believe me, don't you."

Should it be: "You don't believe me, do you?"

or "You believe me, don't you?"
Posted by: Philostrate, July 12th, 2019, 3:57pm; Reply: 14
Mike, Rennie - thanks for the reads and the feedback. I appreciate it.

I'm a little busy at the mo', but I bookmarked your scripts and I plan to return the favor in the near future.
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