Dirty Grand Dad Dot Com by RobbieD - Short, Comedy - Three friends contemplate locker-room etiquette in the modern age. 6 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Robbie

I just had a read. Good job with the writing. Decent standard I reckon. It's a nice quick read, and the jokes worked for me too. My only criticism would be that it felt more like a scene than a short in and of itself.

Cheers

Max

Thanks Max!

It's my first effort... Yeah, I know what you mean about it feeling more like a scene (or a character study perhaps?)  Appreciate the feedback.

You're welcome Robbie.

If that's your first time than I'm really fucking impressed!

I'm not saying I couldn't see it as a short btw, after all there's a lot of flexibility when it comes to scope with shorts. It's just that it felt, for me, more like a scene from a sitcom.

Max

Hi Robbie

I agree with Max that this is not really a story in itself.

Disclaimer: I am an amateur myself, so the below is just my personal opinion. You can take it or leave it.

If I were you I would spend a little more time setting the scene up in the beginning. busy/quiet, nice pub? full of ruffians?

Quoted Text INT. ENGLISH PUB - EVENING A round table. ROB, MARX, JIM (40's) life-long friends shooting the breeze over many beers. Jim returns from placing an order the bar.

Is this an English pub in another country? I suppose it is, if it was set in England you would just say pub. I only ask, because no pubs I go into deliver drinks to my table unless I'm also having food - But this is neither here nor there.

I believe you need to put your action in the sequence that the viewer will see it - For example, the top line you introduce Jim, so now visually I have him sitting at the table. Then next block you have him returning from the bar, so I would move Jims intro down into the second block when we actually see him.

Also good to keep it as visual as possible, rather than tell us they are shooting the breeze over many beers - show us - show us many empty glasses on the table for example - To be honest I think the "shooting the breeze line" is superfluous, since the whole scene is them doing just that.

That's all I have. Very good, especially as you say it was your first attempt, you have obviously done your research/studying
Pretty tight effort I thought

Regards

Matt

Thank you Matthew,

That’s really helpful advice, and totally makes sense to me. I’ll implement those changes.

What great advice, I’m sitting here thinking “of course!”!

Cheers.

No problem at all