6PM - DQ'd by Sean Chipman - Short, RomCom -  22 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

++++ Don's edit +++

DQ'd = disqualified as it exceeds the page count, however, at Sean's request, I posted it anyway.  It will not be eligible for voting.  

Apologies for any confusion.

Don

Sean!!! Really!!!  ;D

Quoted from Grandma Bear Sean!!! Really!!!  ;D

Hahaha, I was wondering what happened here...22 pages!!! Attach a mini series bible and you could be onto something.

I’ll give it a read if I have time, best of luck and amazing effort getting all that down!

Cam

Yeah, I wanted to truly challenge myself because this challenge combines the two things I'm the worst at. Personally, I don't think I did that well. You don't have to worry about reading or reviewing (it won't be on the scorecard), this was to prove something to myself. =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Yeah, I wanted to truly challenge myself because this challenge combines the two things I'm the worst at. Personally, I don't think I did that well. You don't have to worry about reading or reviewing (it won't be on the scorecard), this was to prove something to myself. =)

Nah mate, you were good enough to review other people’s work so I’ll give it a read at some point over the week. Consider it some kinda OWC karma...

Page count way over. Not a Rom Com. Very Childish characters. Why all the VOs

The title was interesting, but I don't get it.

There was enough intrigue with David's "thoughts" to keep me going.

I thought at one point that all the Voice Over was him actually typing the story? Am I wrong?

If this is the case, it needs to be made clear.

With this possibility, it could really be something. But for that to happen, I would lose the rambling dialogue, the childish aspects of the dialogue. If she has a child with her foolishness, I feel bad for the child.


The term biracial bothers me. What does it really mean. And truth is, we're all biracial by now anyways.  :)

The swearing in the beginning almost made me close the doc, but I restrained myself.

I didn't find it amusing so the comedy thing isn't there.

The image of the rose and the Kit Kat bar was really good.

Also, the repetition of him alone, writing in his bedroom was also good.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Page count way over. Not a Rom Com. Very Childish characters. Why all the VOs The title was interesting, but I don't get it. There was enough intrigue with David's "thoughts" to keep me going. I thought at one point that all the Voice Over was him actually typing the story? Am I wrong? If this is the case, it needs to be made clear. With this possibility, it could really be something. But for that to happen, I would lose the rambling dialogue, the childish aspects of the dialogue. If she has a child with her foolishness, I feel bad for the child. The term biracial bothers me. What does it really mean. And truth is, we're all biracial by now anyways.  :) The swearing in the beginning almost made me close the doc, but I restrained myself. I didn't find it amusing so the comedy thing isn't there. The image of the rose and the Kit Kat bar was really good. Also, the repetition of him alone, writing in his bedroom was also good. Sandra

Sandra,

First of all, I want to say thank you for checking this out. I won't go into too much detail in regards to the actual story but, hopefully, I can clear up a few of the questions you asked. The title was a reference to the time their date was scheduled on the final day. The V.O.s consisted of the E-mail messages sent between David and Lashay being read aloud and verbatim. You're right, though, that I should've made it clearer. Maybe in the rewrite, if I do one. I would have expanded on the "biracial" thing a bit further, but I thought the script was padded enough without stating directly that one of her parents was black and one was white (there were about 10 pages of story I wanted to add in, but this was going on really, really long as it was).

It sounds as though you weren't a big fan of this, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

-Sean

There were parts of this that I enjoyed, but, overall, the script didn't work for me. At least, not yet.

I definitely think there's a core story here. But, there's quite a bit of fluff that isn't needed. Now, if it were a feature, you'd be character building. But, it's a short... so, you really need to get to the meat of the story fast. And, stay there.

None of the "making of the burger" scenes added anything, to my view. I mean, I now know several of Burger King's policies and procedures. Is it really necessary to go to such extreme depth? Burger King is the setting, not a main character.

I think, if you're going to spend extra time on something, I'd much rather see it used on more character building. Tell me more about her situation... or about why he's on the edge. He's obviously damaged. I'd like to know more.

I also don't think this was a romcom. It was close, but, it's a pretty specific genre, and I personally don't think a story with such a dark ending fits. But, that's just me. Others will definitely disagree.

The story is good, don't get me wrong. And, I like the dark ending. Just not for this challenge.

I'd say... this is worth continued work. Either tighten it up, or blow it out. Smaller or bigger... just not the size it currently sits.

Thanks for sharing!

Quoted from Mr. Blonde It sounds as though you weren't a big fan of this, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it. -Sean

There was something about this I did like... and I thought about it and was wondering what it was as I was reading.

One of the things was the repeated return to David in his bedroom writing: Indian style posture on his bed.

*Note: the image is still in my head so it's gotta be good.

You used that repetition to good effect.

The overall work with the characters needs work because, as I said, they are "thin things" at present without much substance, but this is very fixable with a bit of Ulysee's Problng (cool song- Ulysee's Probe) look it up_

It felt to me like he might be imagining this and that was why the Voice Over.

If you go with this angle, I think it would really work, but...

Even if it's not a Rom Com, I would make a happy ending. Why? Why not? This world has so
much negativity already, we need all the happy endings we can get. My humble opinion...

It's our choice.

The only other thing with this script to work on is to lose some of that banter and make Lasha more credible as a character and not a fool who can't recognize when she's in a bad relationship...

On that note, but not enough time or space in a ten page script...

Show the issues that are happening in her life. We can then understand her world and sympathize with her.

Since we see David's dull world in his bedroom, it needs to be balanced with her chaotic world with diaper changing and an abusive husband.

Still, remember, I read this through and it did keep me going.

Sandra

I actually liked the vibe of this one.

It took me a few reads to get that the VO was the voices actually reading the emails. It can't particularity confusing when you were using VO at the BK. It's almost like a mistake - I think you ought to get rid of all the VO other than when they're reading emails. Speaking of which:

I'm 62 - an email seems to be the old man way of communicating here. Almost everyone's Lashay's age is going to text. I'd change it to text messaging or at least have something about David not texting.

Wanted to see more of Lashay's life/predicament. I think many of the things she tells David you could show us and it would be more poignant.

Hey Sean, my notes are a bit all over the joint and too long so I'll post in two lots. I hope you get something out of them. I see something in this and I really want to encourage you to write another draft.

These are just suggestions. Feel free to completely disregard.

First off I agree with Dave. It should be texting predominantly.

There are lots of ways to format IMs to make the read faster and more fluid. No hard and fast rules just whatever appeals. A couple of suggestions:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1499721453/
https://johnaugust.com/2011/handling-ims-in-screenplays

The Sherlock and House Of Cards bubble has become very popular.

As a side note I'd choose a generic burger place and lose Burger king. I think they’re doing okay as is.

What I noticed most about your story  is that quite a bit of the progression of the love story is told and I felt a little duped out of not seeing it exactly.

Example:
I remember one of our first
talks you told me you wanted to
kill yourself.

I know you’re using the V.O. to create shortcuts and tell the story that way but it didn’t really work for me, particularly when the two characters are in the same room together.

Perhaps think about  interspersing the V.O. with IMs – when they're at work/when they're at home. Alternatively, inner thoughts can be expressed as V.O.

One thing I noticed is by ‘telling’ us of conversations gone past we're not privy to any closeness they actually do establish. We don’t see the romance and their connection building.

When I read this:
You can do a lot better than me... Oh boy, that's authentic of a certain real life 'clinically depressed' character for sure and (a big relationship red flag) – by the end of the story, sadly true. I wanted to tell Lashay, to run! That’s just an aside btw. Been there, done that.

I see what you’re trying to do with the narrative but it’s coming off stilted and unedited. Like you threw everything at it. Of course that may have been the deadline.

As I read a few quibbles:
David tells Lashay to wash up and in the next sentence David's washing his hands and putting gloves on.  Is that a blunder?

David goes next to Lashay, as they work together. That line comes off a little awkwardly.

They assembles...P.5

“It’s funny you said you probably
won’t lol you know me! Awkward sentence P.6

Maybe the lack of punctuation is messing up the meaning there.

“If you caused your own death... P.7
Suggestion:
If you took your own life...

Sean, you need more heat and sizzle in this story. Burger pun intended.

The characters need to throw each other flirty looks, nudges, hand touching (I noticed hands once).
You seem to be relying on your audience knowing that these gaps were filled in previous conversations but it's not enough to 'tell us’ this. We want to feel this burgeoning relationship.

LIVING ROOM
No one seems to be home.
Suggestion: No one appears to be home.

But, was anyone ever home? It appears David lives alone or in a vacuum.
...

On a technical note: It’s one thing to include text speak/email that’s authentic in its mistakes but if it impedes the flow and the romance (it does here imho) I'd tighten it up. Punctuation is obviously absent in all these exchanges cause they don’t use it I presume irl but personally I'd write it in for the script. Or, at least add it to the humour like you did with the: 'were married' exchange.

“I’d prefer not to talk about it. I
just thought you should know why I
didn’t say anything before now.”

I'd prefer not to talk about it (would suffice imh – air of mystery, not revealing all yet). Irl, it'd probably stop there.
Then let your audience wait desperately on the next reply – build up suspense, attachment, longing.

“You can tell me anything David
I’ll believe you.”

Once again I feel like adding the extra  weight with the second line detracts. 'You can tell me anything David.' is powerful on its own.

She’s effectively saying: you can tell me your deepest, darkest secrets. Your secrets are safe with me. Give us that feeling, the sentiment, the emotion.

DAVID (V.O.)
“No, thanks. Lol
Comes off as harsh, even with the lol.

Do people say lol this often with no other variety?

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN – THEN
Then?

DAVID (V.O.)
“Practice. Lots and lots of
practice.”
Nice line.


LASHAY (V.O.)
“I don’t know why but I get
butterflies when I’m around you lately.

I'd delete: I don’t know why. And: lately.
She's nervous, giddy with excitement at seeing him again and she’s flirting.
I get butterflies when I'm around you. (Straight to the point)

“No it’s not you it’s me silly.”
Suggestion: Delete the preface of: no.

You're losing the rhythm if everything is spelled out too much. Sometimes you're writing the meaning is something twice when once has more resonance.

i]The rose is almost completely dead.[/i]
'almost completely'? Split infinitive.

I'd revamp this:

DAVID (V.O.)
“Lots of things. You're smart,
sarcastic, nice and you're genuine.
You're real. I don't think there's
a proper way to describe that one,
so come up with your best
interpretation. In some ways,
you're like me. In others, you're
the polar opposite. I think it's
the opposites that I like best
about you.”

I know David's depressed, introverted, but he does articulate when he wants to as evidenced by that opening with Kristen, so once again have him please express what he thinks and more so what he feels –

And, have him at least say something about her appearance.
A girl wants to hear that. Heck, a guy wants to hear that.

Suggestion:
I love that you’re so smart.
And funny
I love your sarcasm.
I love that you don’t take crap and that you say how you feel.
You’re real and -
...
You’re brave.
Not like me.

If that comes through bit by bit as text messages or IM it's much more interesting.

Then let that last part sit and lighten the tone with his next:
...
Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that you’re gorgeous.
...
Or:
I've never felt this way before.
It’s kinda scary...
I'm pretty sure I'm falling for you (if you want him more reserved)

If you’re going to get to the nitty-gritty there should also be mention about him battling depression or at least direct reference to it.

Example:
You’re brave too, David.
You just don’t realise.
It doesn’t have to be this hard though.
You deserve good things, David?

Speaking of David, there’s a bit too much addressing each other by name specifically. We don’t normally do this unless we're angry with someone or an angry parent, or we’re really spelling something out or saying something profound. We also revert to names when we break up - it's then no longer honey, babe, sweetheart.

LASHAY (V.O.)
“Aw David you have me blushing over
here... I feel like this is a dream
because I've wanted you to say you
like me since I met you.”
...
How about just:

I'm blushing...
Perhaps she'd just send an emoji of red/flushed face.
Then:
I feel like I'm dreaming.

CONT.

LASHAY (V.O.)
“Stop underestimating yourself
David you’re great. I like you. And
I want you. You are perfect for me
nobody else.”

Too much again. This is what I was referring to with less is more. I sometimes do this when writing when it's all just flooding out and know that later I'll edit and take out the second or first sentence - whichever is easier on the ear.

I think you’re perfect.
Or:
You're everything I want.
You're all that I want.
...
DAVID (V.O.)
“I underestimate myself because who
knows me better than me? Lol.”

Nice line but there he goes again.

All the self deprecating stuff is too much. It gets to a point every woman in their right mind would find it unattractive and wonder if something is seriously wrong with David. Of course there is too.

LASHAY (V.O.)
“I don’t care what you try you’re
not getting away from me we are
married remember?

See, it just sounds like the writer doesn't know good grammar and punctuation.

Suggestion:

Hey, for better or worse, remember? Or:
I'm not letting you go, David. I only just found you.
Or: I don’t scare easy, David.

Inject humour.

Delete: ‘I don’t care what you try'
-     and that passage sounds funnier even as is.

DAVID (V.O.)
“They sent me to the bank today and
I drove right by your house. For
the briefest of moments, I
considered stopping by.”

We don't really need to know about the bank.

You can achieve just as much with less words and I think more romance by writing something like this:

I nearly knocked on your door today. Came this close.

'for the briefest of moments' could sound like he just couldn’t give a hoot.

Maybe add:
I was driving around and before I knew it I was right outside your place. I don’t even remember how I got there.

He's saying he was drawn to her.

LASHAY (V.O.)
“I would have been so excited if
you stopped by. I looked cute today
lol.”

Here is a good, funny reply. Perhaps shorten it?

Damn! I wish you had.  It was a good hair day, too.
Damn! I looked cute today, lol.

Do Millenials say lol this often?
How about some other initialisms, some emojis?

“David I'm very convincing and I
don't back down easily lol I want
to see your house and your room
lol.”

You’re not going to scare me off, David. I want to know everything about you. I want to see where you live, where you sleep, where you dream...

David can’t hear what they’re saying, but can tell they’re ...
Why do Jenna and Lashay talk about David behind closed doors? That'd give anyone a complex. Especially someone with an inferiority complex to begin with.
I'd scratch that scene completely.

LASHAY (V.O.)
“Just so you know everyone knows
about our date Friday.”

If you’re going to do this how about –
Just so you know...
...
Everyone knows about us.
Or: Just the last line.

David finishes off a bottle of water.

You need David to eat or drink or do something/anything else?

Heather? Heather who?

LASHAY (V.O.)
“David I’m sorry I can’t go out
with you tn. Please don’t think
it’s you because it’s absolutely
not you I promise. I’m so sorry I
tossed and turned all night afraid
to hurt you I’m an idiot Alec
wanted to try one final time and I
said okay. Probably a huge mistake
but I’m trying to do what’s best
for my son too... I hope you’ll
forgive me David.”

Try breaking it up again (no pun intended) and make it shorter, punchier.

David...
I'm sorry.
Alec wants us to try again.
Please forgive me.
I love you...
For my baby’s sake I have to at least try.

Give us some pauses between her messages being sent.
Again, less is more. Inject the emotion, add the suspense.
Sad face/tears emojis popping etc.

This is boy loses girl moment.

DAVID (V.O.)
“What are you sorry about? Don't
you dare be sorry about doing
what's best for you and your son.
And, don't think for a second that
I don't understand. It's perfectly
alright. If you want to give him
another shot, believe me when I say
I'm happy for you. Regardless of
whatever he did in the past, I
think he's more capable of giving
you what you need than I am. Of
course, if he isn't and he does it
again, never blame yourself for it.
You're strong and smart and only
you know what's best for you. I
have my fingers crossed for you
that it isn't a mistake, but on the
off-chance that it is, just
remember, that's why they put
erasers on pencils. And, you don't
need me to forgive you. This is
what I told you from the beginning,
that you needed somebody better
than me. I'm wishing you all the
luck in the world.”

Too long in my book. He looks like a sap. I lose sympathy for him.
He’s the wronged party but he's bending over backwards.
And. he's not fighting for her!
He never fights for her.
She does all the work.

Plus, he’s going to tell her all that and then top himself?
That’s her consolation prize?
...

LASHAY (V.O.)
“David I’m sorry I didn’t get back
to you Alec and I had another fight
and he broke my phone so I couldn’t
access my E-mail account anymore.
But I’m still excited to go out
tonight with you. I’ll be there in
15 minutes okay? You better be
ready when I get there lol.”

There needs to be better transition to this scene.

David, forgive me. I made a mistake.
Pause (have him look at his phone, desperately waiting for the next thing she'll text).
Will you still meet me? Hi
Please...?

Oh, Jeepers. The ending.

As written this is not the formula for a RomCom.

In a RomCom there'd be a scene where she or he has made a mistake (in this case, Lashay) and realises the error of their ways, then frantically they run to each other/ she tries to get to him before he boards that plane, train, boat...
Or, in this case looks out over the ocean and jumps off a cliff.

In your example it's too passive – Lashay sits outside in her car.

Most of all we need to see a transformation in David to confident (in Act 2), walking on air, finally feeling love how it restores him even if temporarily, banishes the depression, even if temporarily.

You need to show his confidence building with all the attention she gives him but he stays flat, lifeless, modest unimpressed which then makes me think what exactly is her attraction to him?

If his words (his writing) impressed her you need to come up with an example – to impress your audience as well.

Make use of their environment more too – perhaps she or he makes a ketchup smiley face or heart, he makes her an ice-cream sundae and decorates it with red m&ms. Have them share a milkshake – one straw either side, lights down low, everyone else gone, place shut, music playing. Perhaps they slow-dance – she shows him how, (to be less awkward) David comes out of his shell.

You could keep the tragic ending but it’s going to resonate a lot more if we see David transform first.

Btw, I love the methodical stuff with the making and wrapping of the burger in the beginning. Perhaps I'm a bit weird.

Most of all we need to see the light amidst the gloom which is David’s usual default.

We need to see the joy.
Their bond developing, their connection, their love blossoming against the odds – she has the abusive father of her child to contend with and he has the dreaded 'black dog’ that plagues him.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101912/
Watch Frankie & Johnny
He's an ex-con, she's a hard sell (on him). He charms his way around her.

Give us some music – appeal to all of our senses.
...

I've been a fan of your writing Sean, since Skiptrace.
This is not up your usual alley so by your own admission you struggled with it.

If I were you though I'd give it another go.
Despite my critique there's a lot to like here.

Whoops, I just wrote a novel. :)

This was really well done. I felt the pain when the date was canceled. Out loud went "oh no, why!"

Keep at it, really enjoyed this. The V.O. thing worked for me. It was fun, and different.

It's really overwritten. So many words to say something so small. No wonder it's 22 pages. I'll just take your opening block of action:

Code An out-of-shape, pasty, white guy, DAVID (24), works alone. He seems to have complete command of the kitchen. David assembles two Whoppers and an Original Chicken sandwich simultaneously. Without breaking focus:

Unless this film is about race in some way then his colour is not important. There's no log so I can't tell what this is about other than RomCom. If his colour is important... then pasty lets everybody know he is white without specifying.

He either has complete control of the kitchen or he doesn't.

Your lines would be better like this:

DAVID (24), out-of-shape, pasty, simultaneously assembles
two Whoppers and an Original Chicken sandwich.

That alone suggests he knows his way around a Burger King kitchen.

Also, there's no description as to what they are wearing. When Lashay 'walks up next to David' (terribly written), I have no idea if she is a customer or she works there. Don't they have stars on their badges or something to indicate a newbie? It's overwritten and lacking in description.

That's enough for me. I have work to do and my comments aren't likely to be appreciated anyway.

Dustin has taken the time to give you useful advice. He has some good suggestions.

It might be noted, however, that "pasty white guy" has become somewhat of an archetype, and when you see the words you get the image: a bit pudgy, doesn't see much sun ever, probably not very athletic. Pasty and white might seem redundant, but actually just "pasty" sounds odd, mostly because we never hear anyone described that way unless it's "pasty white guy", or some variation of that.

I'm not really sure what "works alone" means here. He's not alone and Lashay quickly enters the picture. He's doing his task alone, but doesn't everyone in a kitchen?

Dustin's suggestion is good, other than pasty by itself seeming odd.

Could there also be a chance to add some color to this? You have to be careful about that in screenwriting. Extra words can piss some readers off.

For example:

A young pasty-white dude simultaneously assembles two Whoppers and an Original Chicken Sandwich like it's an Olympic event. Meet, DAVID, 24, a creature of fast food in more ways than one.

Not saying that's good, but you get the idea.

First, I like that you used "assembles". Excellent word. I also love the specificity of "Original Chicken sandwich".

Dustin begins with the character name. That IS the method we all use more often. But is it a mistake?

Sean starts out with character description. Here's why I like it better: it's an image. The name David  is just a name. Beginning first with the image brings me into the scene. I see a pudgy dude making burgers like it's a competition. THEN I learn his name.

You could say:

A pasty-white dude, DAVID, 24, assembles fast food sandwiches like a madman.

That might be the most efficient way. Probably the safest.

Should a writer take a chance and sometimes color it up? Probably. The problem is most of us are not really good enough to do it in a way that's more entertaining than annoying. I don't myself attempt much of that in screen, I'm not good enough. I've seen Dena and Dave do it to positive effect, however. And I've seen pro writers do it to stand out.

It is not a mistake to start a line with a character name. It is only a mistake if you do it too often. I also prefer to use a writers own words when I rewrite sentences, it's less insulting.

It's not a mistake. It just works better to begin with the image then add the name. Picture worth a thousand words.

Quoted from leitskev It's not a mistake. It just works better to begin with the image then add the name. Picture worth a thousand words.

It doesn't work better either. What works better is to mix it up throughout the writing. A character is an image too not just a name. It is perfectly fine to start with a character as an image just as it is to start with a building or a field.