LASHAY (V.O.)
“Stop underestimating yourself
David you’re great. I like you. And
I want you. You are perfect for me
nobody else.”Too much again. This is what I was referring to with less is more. I sometimes do this when writing when it's all just flooding out and know that later I'll edit and take out the second or first sentence - whichever is easier on the ear.
I think you’re perfect.
Or:
You're everything I want.
You're all that I want.
...
DAVID (V.O.)
“I underestimate myself because who
knows me better than me? Lol.”Nice line but there he goes again.
All the self deprecating stuff is too much. It gets to a point every woman in their right mind would find it unattractive and wonder if something is seriously wrong with David. Of course there is too.
LASHAY (V.O.)
“I don’t care what you try you’re
not getting away from me we are
married remember?See, it just sounds like the writer doesn't know good grammar and punctuation.
Suggestion:
Hey, for better or worse, remember? Or:
I'm not letting you go, David. I only just found you.
Or: I don’t scare easy, David.
Inject humour.
Delete: ‘I don’t care what you try'
- and that passage sounds funnier even as is.
DAVID (V.O.)
“They sent me to the bank today and
I drove right by your house. For
the briefest of moments, I
considered stopping by.”We don't really need to know about the bank.
You can achieve just as much with less words and I think more romance by writing something like this:
I nearly knocked on your door today. Came this close.
'for the briefest of moments' could sound like he just couldn’t give a hoot.
Maybe add:
I was driving around and before I knew it I was right outside your place. I don’t even remember how I got there.
He's saying he was drawn to her.
LASHAY (V.O.)
“I would have been so excited if
you stopped by. I looked cute today
lol.”Here is a good, funny reply. Perhaps shorten it?
Damn! I wish you had. It was a good hair day, too.
Damn! I looked cute today, lol.
Do Millenials say lol this often?
How about some other initialisms, some emojis?
“
David I'm very convincing and I
don't back down easily lol I want
to see your house and your room
lol.”You’re not going to scare me off, David. I want to know everything about you. I want to see where you live, where you sleep, where you dream...
David can’t hear what they’re saying, but can tell they’re ...Why do Jenna and Lashay talk about David behind closed doors? That'd give anyone a complex. Especially someone with an inferiority complex to begin with.
I'd scratch that scene completely.
LASHAY (V.O.)
“Just so you know everyone knows
about our date Friday.”If you’re going to do this how about –
Just so you know...
...
Everyone knows about us.
Or: Just the last line.
David finishes off a bottle of water.You need David to eat or drink or do something/anything else?
Heather? Heather who?
LASHAY (V.O.)
“David I’m sorry I can’t go out
with you tn. Please don’t think
it’s you because it’s absolutely
not you I promise. I’m so sorry I
tossed and turned all night afraid
to hurt you I’m an idiot Alec
wanted to try one final time and I
said okay. Probably a huge mistake
but I’m trying to do what’s best
for my son too... I hope you’ll
forgive me David.”Try breaking it up again (no pun intended) and make it shorter, punchier.
David...
I'm sorry.
Alec wants us to try again.
Please forgive me.
I love you...
For my baby’s sake I have to at least try.
Give us some pauses between her messages being sent.
Again, less is more. Inject the emotion, add the suspense.
Sad face/tears emojis popping etc.
This is boy loses girl moment.DAVID (V.O.)
“What are you sorry about? Don't
you dare be sorry about doing
what's best for you and your son.
And, don't think for a second that
I don't understand. It's perfectly
alright. If you want to give him
another shot, believe me when I say
I'm happy for you. Regardless of
whatever he did in the past, I
think he's more capable of giving
you what you need than I am. Of
course, if he isn't and he does it
again, never blame yourself for it.
You're strong and smart and only
you know what's best for you. I
have my fingers crossed for you
that it isn't a mistake, but on the
off-chance that it is, just
remember, that's why they put
erasers on pencils. And, you don't
need me to forgive you. This is
what I told you from the beginning,
that you needed somebody better
than me. I'm wishing you all the
luck in the world.”Too long in my book. He looks like a sap. I lose sympathy for him.
He’s the wronged party but he's bending over backwards.
And. he's not fighting for her!
He never fights for her.
She does all the work.
Plus, he’s going to tell her all that and then top himself?
That’s her consolation prize?
...
LASHAY (V.O.)
“David I’m sorry I didn’t get back
to you Alec and I had another fight
and he broke my phone so I couldn’t
access my E-mail account anymore.
But I’m still excited to go out
tonight with you. I’ll be there in
15 minutes okay? You better be
ready when I get there lol.”There needs to be better transition to this scene.
David, forgive me. I made a mistake.
Pause (have him look at his phone, desperately waiting for the next thing she'll text).
Will you still meet me? Hi
Please...?
Oh, Jeepers. The ending.
As written this is not the formula for a RomCom.
In a RomCom there'd be a scene where she or he has made a mistake (in this case, Lashay) and realises the error of their ways, then frantically they run to each other/ she tries to get to him before he boards that plane, train, boat...
Or, in this case looks out over the ocean and jumps off a cliff.
In your example it's too passive – Lashay sits outside in her car.
Most of all we need to see a transformation in David to confident (in Act 2), walking on air, finally feeling love how it restores him even if temporarily, banishes the depression, even if temporarily.
You need to show his confidence building with all the attention she gives him but he stays flat, lifeless, modest unimpressed which then makes me think what exactly is her attraction to him?
If his words (his writing) impressed her you need to come up with an example – to impress your audience as well.
Make use of their environment more too – perhaps she or he makes a ketchup smiley face or heart, he makes her an ice-cream sundae and decorates it with red m&ms. Have them share a milkshake – one straw either side, lights down low, everyone else gone, place shut, music playing. Perhaps they slow-dance – she shows him how, (to be less awkward) David comes out of his shell.
You could keep the tragic ending but it’s going to resonate a lot more if we see David transform first.
Btw, I love the methodical stuff with the making and wrapping of the burger in the beginning. Perhaps I'm a bit weird.
Most of all we need to see the light amidst the gloom which is David’s usual default.
We need to see the joy.
Their bond developing, their connection, their love blossoming against the odds – she has the abusive father of her child to contend with and he has the dreaded 'black dog’ that plagues him.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101912/Watch Frankie & Johnny
He's an ex-con, she's a hard sell (on him). He charms his way around her.
Give us some music – appeal to all of our senses.
...
I've been a fan of your writing Sean, since Skiptrace.
This is not up your usual alley so by your own admission you struggled with it.
If I were you though I'd give it another go.
Despite my critique there's a lot to like here.