In Love and War by Buck Turgidson - Short, RomCom - A damsel in distress discovers that her rescuer is not exactly a knight in shining armor. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Errrr...hi Buck!

So, it's a romantic comedy challenge? Yep, just checking. There's comedy here, that's without a doubt, but I kinda get the feeling this is an action film...

Let me justify that statement. Action films: things go bang, people die, there's action-y stuff and invariably an odd couple involved, frequently with a female role counteracting an Arnie style man going wild with a gun...and also romance of sorts involved. Just because they kinda like each other and it's funny doesn't make this a romcom!! It's an action film!!!!!

Still, it was quite funny, the roses and chocolate were well done and it kept me going.

Well done on entering,

Cam

P.S. it's definitely an action film

It had it's comedy,  it had a hint of romanticism not the trading a chocolate bar for sex :D more covering her in protection after rifle fire gunned down. It made him seem... noble

As far as an actual ROMCOM does it qualify? As Cam says its more action based than anything with romantic and comedy taking a backseat instead of the forefront.

Overall an enjoyable read though

good job on entering

I think I see what you're going for here but this ain't no Romancing The Stone.

I think you need to juxtapose the danger with humour more. More a boulder is headed straight for her and less of the graphic violence as per the opening. And, up his honour. The kiss was a bit misplaced and love and admiration didn't really develop. I liked that he was a bit of a buffoon but balance that with more charisma and smarts.

Some lines amused me. Good choice with the love/hate relationship.
The roses, choc, red? Interesting choices.
You chose a different style and put some work into this, it just didn't quite work for me.

Oh boy...we're off to a very rough start with that opening Slug.  Central Europe would be a SUPER.  Start with the biggest "location/structure" - INT. MOUNTAIN LODGE - BASEMENT.

1st passage - OK, so, what would we see first - "a sagging cot", or Allison, sitting on it?

"to staircase" - how about "to a staircase"?  "at opposite end.." - how about "at the opposite end"?  This kind of awkward writing is never going to fly.

CAP all new intros!

Was there some kind of memo that went out to everyone except me that said to constantly use wrylies in this OWC?  Unreal...

Writing very stilted, incomplete thoughts, missing words here and there...odd.

But, worse, is that this doesn't seem to be remotely anything anyone could call a ROMCOM.

Don't repeat where we are in a new Slug...we know exactly where we are, based on the Slug you give us.

Page 3 and I'm sadly out.  Dumb dialogue, poorly written action/description lines, absolutely nothing remotely realistic or ROMCOM here.  The line about the roses are pretty dreadful, sorry to say.

Maybe peeps will dig this.  I do not.

*

Not a Rom-Com - this is a genre bender. You wanted to write something other than a Rom-Com.

This:

Quoted Text STRYKER What? Hey, I asked for a dozen roses, not a dozen roses! ALLISON What? STRYKER A rose is a napalm grenade. What were those idiots thinking?

Kind of left me flat - logic issue. Who's he asking the grenades from - a florist??

Well written enough. Just not the right theme for me

This was well written so good job there! Unfortunately...

It felt to me like someone had taken a section out of an action movie and copied and pasted it into a document and voila!

I wouldn't call it Romance. More like a one nighter. However, you did have chocolate and roses!  ;D

Very nice effort.

Sandra

This didn't work for me as a romcom, especially when you undercut any potential for romance by describing it as a trade of sex for chocolate.

The humor was a bit inconsistent... sometimes feeling downright silly. Some Naked-Gun style humor, followed by more straight-line humor. I wasn't sure which you were actually going for.

Laughed at the roses thing at first, then didn't understand when he later says it was intentional. So, not sure I understood this particular joke thread.

Kudos for the laughs that were there. Though, I think it'd hit harder if you were more consistent on tone.

Writer,

Okay. Lots of words to read here — think about a major trim. That said, it’s not badly written by any means. Anyway, I didn’t really find this funny or romantic. You made an effort and I can appreciate that, and I can see where you made attempts at humor and romance, and they seem misguided as opposed to tradition rom com fare.  Overall this just did not work for me.

Steve

Hi Writer

Blood, already, page 1 - it's red I suppose.

Action in a parenthetical is never good.

Quoted Text ALLISON Vamoose? Vermin? Vat the hell?

This didn't land for me, very awkward - I guess I'm not to take this script seriously?

Not romantic, and the comedy wasn't for me.

Well done for entering the challenge.

Matt

Page 1.   Where exactly is central Europe? I mean, Romania is quite different from Holland for example. (and yes, I do know there are no mountains in Holland) Not trying to be difficult, just would like to picture this place in my mind and I think an actual country would be easier than such a large area.

Absolutely hate Stryker right away. What an ass!

Also, due to his language, I'm having a hard time figuring out what time in history this is supposed to take place. It doesn't sound like present day, for sure.

Page 2.   Allison pulls a bouquet of roses out of the backpack?...

Page 4.   Nothing romantic in sight yet, but I do see attempt at comedy.

Page 7.   That kiss came out of nowhere. I don't see Allison going for that at all. I can't imagine any woman doing it willingly.

Page 10.   Indian country?

Finished.

I can actually see this being an outright comedy with a rewrite. Not so much rom-com though. So, not bad, just didn't really score high points for this OWC, in my book.

Thanks for taking part though.  :)

Overall, this was actually a nice read.  A chore at times.  Could use a haircut (trimming) but your writing style is fine, you clearly have a fine grasp of things, but story-wise, there's nothing here.  Well.. not in the way of rom-com.  

Sure, your attempted stabs at humor and romance are clear and present, but misses the mark.  Methinks you spent too much time on the action.

Quoted Text STRYKER You know the difference between me and your knight in shining armor? ALLISON What? STRYKER I�m here, and he�s not.

I liked this exchange.

Anyway, kudos for finishing.

To my knowledge, this can not be called a rom-com.

It's a drama. I think no war entries could be romantic, but don't know. Probably you could make an effort to write a rom com even in this setting. I might be mistaken but it doesn't look like you tried

The dialog reads random - especially at the beginning. She sees the roses, says it's for her birthday - when you didn't establish it was her birthday. Or did you? I might have missed that - it's kind of overwritten so it was hard for me to read closely and pay attention at all times.

It is very well written though. But not for me.

Hi Writer,

I liked the idea, but not so much the execution. The writing isn’t bad and there's some humor but I couldn't feel the romance. In fact, all I saw was a man who takes advantage of a poor girl in war times. I enjoyed the love/hate relationship but this didn't work for me as a rom com - sorry.

Good effort, thought. I applaud you for trying.

Pozzling as to the point of the thing but at least the dialog isn't too bad and the writer keeps the speeches brief. Who are these people and what are they trying to do? Is Stryker there to rescue the girl? Who is she and why is she of consequence? Waaay too much emphasis on describing weapons. Needs a more succinct and imaginitive way to describe their usage. Having said that, the writer has made a valid attempt to entertain. If the writer keeps at it he/she could produce something worthwhile. Just keep at it.

One of the difficulties with this one is that we don't really know why she needs rescuing.  I feel, like Stryker, I was dropped into the middle of the action, with no understanding of the mission.  I think there was a valiant attempt at the challenge, and the writing is actually quite good, but the rom-com is missing the rom and is more action com.

Think of it like Die Hard.  A lot of funny lines and he ultimately rescues the girl (that he loves) from the bad guys, but Die Hard isn't a rom-com either.  

Best of luck,
Gary

Come with me if you want to live.

If this is a romcom, then this has to be the worst first date ever.

Nice try.  Sneaking  romance and comedy into your action film.

In a longer format, Allison and Stryker might actually fall for each other and have some romantic moments while on the run.  But, guess what?  It would still be an action film.

Stryker comes across as a weird combo of John Wayne and Buzz Lightyear.

Not bad writing, and there's a lot to read.

At the endof the day, it doesn't give us a new slant on the romcom genre, it's an acton film.

Title is okay, maybe a bit cheesy. The logline is bland and needs more foreshadowed conflicts about the plot - something definite.

- main location before sub location -

"You would so scare the hell out of
my family and friends."

That was the first line that gave her some depth and felt like a serious development in case of their relationship.

There was a lot of light and shadow in your script.

The jokes (while good on their own) felt repetitive (re abbreviations around military terms) and didn't do much for their characterization and overall progress of the story. At least the dialogues were kept short, which wasn't the problem. Some humor was actually pretty good but, as said, the amount of the same humor and joke structure weakened their impact within the script and didn't serve the story.

The stereotypes of dumb damsel and juvenile rowdy left too late for more serious 3D characters and relationship beats.

So more of a balance thing here. The "meat" is generally there, all just needs a form to serve the plot, and the rest needs to be cut imo. Otherwise there were some nice transitions in your imagery and good live-pictures.

All in all I think fewer pages (6 or 7 in total) would have condensed this to the necessary, essential parts, and with that, the better story. Less is more kind of...

Okayish yet

It started off confusing, there was no sense of peril or fear for Allison so making her a woman in peril was a bit of an abrupt switch. I'll chalk that up to trying to infuse a bit of reality into this...

...and then reality went right out the window. Overwriting gives way to a dialogue-heavy action piece that tries too hard to be clever and witty. I like Stryker for the most part, but his antics get old real fast. This is a case of less is more. The relentless dialogue gets to be too much.

The thing that really bugs me is there's zero chemistry between them, Allison isn't attracted to him at all, but she has sex with him? She just needed a warm body, huh? It's sexist, plain and simple.

It's not really a rom com, not that an action piece can't also do that but because there's really no romance here at all. The flowers make no sense, and if they were in some way supposed to be romantic it's even more sexist, like give any random girl flowers to win her heart.

It could be worth giving it another go outside of the challenge, just to have Stryker doing his thing. In moderation though.

This reminded me of Tropic Thunder... a lot.

Which normally wouldn't be a bad thing but here... well I'm just not getting any romcom.

Well enough written though.