Worshiping Sophia by Lilly Pond - Short, RomCom - When a hopeless dullard gets a tattoo in memory of his ex-girlfriend he finds a wacky way he just might win her back again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Is CU for close up how its supposed to be written? Why is the flashback formatted as "Edward remembers"? Not a good start.

At first, they are oblivious to each other. Both reading.
He, Shelley. She, “Change Your Life In 30 Minutes.” ------- What?????

I dont get the ending. Maybe just a bad joke?

Guys are creepy and Edward naturally so. I find it very hard to believe some bad ass punk chick is gonna warm up to a random guy and give him dating advice on the fly. Also, all it takes is some bad sex talk to win her back? Too easy and not interesting. Not funny. Just bland. Sorry.

Had a small element of comedy , romantic not so much unless a strange tatoo artist teaching edward to talk dirty to his girlfriend qualifys.

Not a bad script and the writing was good.

Good job on entering

In an alternative universe I could see the title being "Talk Dirty to Me."  I wished this had been funnier.  I didn't laugh once, or even smile.  The tone is right for a rom com, but tone alone does not a rom com make.

But I have no dog in this fight.

Kudos for finishing.

Hi Writer,

Congrats on getting an entry in.

Some interesting format choices I don't agree with, but I understood what you wanted me to.

I can see the comedy elements but that's the issue for me is that they feel forced and don't really work.

The script as a whole needs some work.

All the best.

Nice title.

Was somebody inspired by Jeff's tale of woe with his girlfriend the other day?

The set up for this one reminds me of Rosebud -  same type of plot - a female character schooled in the art of what women want coaches a male character to help him win back his love.

Only trouble with this one was the lack of development in character, and I don't feel there's a really satisfying denouement.  There's just not enough to this and it's all too easy.

'resitting Shelley'? Bit of an auto correct/typo blunder there.
'Remembering' instead of a Flashback?

Okay, I don't want to lay it on too thick...
Bit light on with the red, roses, chocolate.

The guys in these stories really aren't too smart are they? God help us girls. :)

Writer,

This was cute. I like the Cyrano aspect of this, but felt it didn’t take it far enough in the humor department. Perhaps due to time constraints. But with a little thought I think this script can be a winner. Keep working on it.

Well done, but needs work.

Steve

I kind of liked it.

There were a couple of places where you went over the top and that wasn't needed. IT actually would have resonated more with a little more subtlety.

But all in all a pretty decent tale well written.

Dear Writer,

You did well with this.

First off, it's memorable. The title is good and gives us something to hold onto.

You had some amazing opening with the imagery. For example:

>He’s a dreary looking 30-ish man with a sorrowful look sitting in the chair like a monument to drabness.

I would really like to see the dialogue toned down. Not just in your script, but over all I'm just so fed up with the swearing and overdone sex... Whatever happened to the days when men courted girls? But there I go... Still recovering from yesterday's awful start to the OWC. I had to go and stare at the sun to recover. ... Ah but today's a new day and your script holds promise!!!

I had to laugh at Edward getting her a Dust Buster for Valentines!  ;D

Dear Lord of Valentine's: Please let me win the lottery and let us get one of those Robot Vacumes. Amen!!!   :)

You did a good job with characters. He's a messy guy and she's a compulsive cleaner. A match made in heaven!

Nice happy effort! :) :) :)

Sandra

Quoted from eldave1 I kind of liked it. There were a couple of places where you went over the top and that wasn't needed. IT actually would have resonated more with a little more subtlety.

Completely agree. With a subtle hand, this can be really good. :)

Enjoy the Cyrano influences, but the humor needed to be amplified (and a bit more subtle).

It should be "lightning," NOT "lightening," at the start of page 4.

Like it; wanted to love it. Good premise that needs revision.

Hi Writer

Sorry, didn't like this one.

Tula seems too nice and accommodating - not that these people don;t exist, but didn't make for good reading - would have been funnier (imho) if she was more of a hard ass, sarcastic, insulting but still helpful, she was a bit too sweet.

Premise is alright, being told to buck his ideas up, a bit like telling a barman your woes.

The last line Edward speaks killed his character for me, didn't like him. He is trying to reconcile with his girlfriend and then some crude comment about Tula's tits?

Didn't land - Didn't find any humour in it either.

Wait - where's the chocolates? are they in there? if they are I don't remember them - is the red and the roses just from the tattoo? alright I guess

Well done for completing the challenge

Opening passage very awkwardly written, and the passive writing ain't never gonna work.  You don't give us Tula's age, so no way I can visualize her.  You say "young", but that is extremely relative, and you have readers of all ages.

"Slowly, one by one, eating every candy from a heart shaped box." - Very poorly written.

HA!  Dialogue is funny, and actually reminds me of...well...me!

"EDWARD REMEMBERS" - Huh?  Is this supposed to be a Flashback?  If so, you really need to format it correctly.

You don't give us Sophia's age, either...no clue at all, actually.

The Flashback is very awkwardly written..stilted, not engaging at all.

"We hear..." we're going to hear and see everything you write down, so no need to use this kind of BS.

"PHONE/OVER" - Uh...how about V.O.?

Ha!  That's pretty good, actually.  Dialogue is great.  Action/description writing is poor.  Roses, chocolates, and red not well done, and that's too bad as this could have been a contender.

***1/2

Well written and all but too straight forward and for that reason it's about nothing for me.
There's no twist, just a story of a guy who wants a girl and follows someone's instructions.  
I wish he was more proactive himself, Tula is more of a man than Edward is.

I just wish it was more.
But the writing is good. The poem is good, although I don't like this kind of poems.

Page 1.   Eating candy from a heart shaped box. I hope this is not your attempt at checking off the chocolate requirement.  :)

Well, the first page is funny. The dialogue works well so far.

Page 3.   Feel like Tula's dialogue is starting to ruin the good humorous mood you had going.

Page 5.   Resitting?

Finished. I liked it. You have a knack for dialogue. I did think you cheated on the items to include though. There were no chocolates. The roses, okay, but what about the color red? Did I miss something?

This script could easily be something someone would want to film. Especially if you make it a little more visual. Right now, it's pretty much all dialogue.

Great job even if you lose some points over the chocolates and the color red.  :)

Hard to root for a guy getting back with his girlfriend when he's making comments like that to another woman. Kills any chance for romance.

(After reading about half of these entries so far, I feel like we need a worldwide class: Basic Romance for Men. I feel bad for the modern woman.)

Anyway, there's stuff to like here. The tattoo artist as "bartender," helping lost souls reconnect. That's good. I suggest you keep working on this one. Make your leading man more consistent (solely focused on Sophia) and punch up the humor a bit. It's not far off, and may get made.

Also, clean up the formatting and typos as others have suggested.

Good luck!

- Your first paragraph...

...is a sentence.

Your second paragraph technically should be a sentence.

Is there a reason these opening passages are so long-winded? Surely you could've broken them up/condensed them into something more readable.

- Why is Edward getting a tattoo of Sophia's name when he just broke up with her? Ill-advised to say the least. Shouldn't Tula say something? I think so. In fact, I think there might be a missed opportunity for comedy here around this discussion.

- The way this EDWARD REMAINS (strange format btw) sequence plays out could be interpreted as Sophia being a compulsive cleaner. It could just as easily be interpreted as Edward being messy. I'm not sure what we're supposed to make of this.

- In fact, this entire premise strikes me as strange. Does Sophia break up with Edward over the Dust Buster because it's a thoughtless gift? An insult? A bad joke? Was it in fact a thoughtless gift or bad joke on Edward's part?

Same goes for the ending. Is she using the Dust Buster because she is a compulsive cleaner? Or is she just using it cuz she has it now and this is supposed to be a gag of some sort?

Entirely possible I'm being really dense right now. But the tone here is honestly kinda inscrutable. I'm at a loss as to how all this is to be understood.

--

Strange choice to have a boring character for a protagonist. I mean, it could work to comedic effect, but I think you'd have to make him really boring. As of now, he's just boring to read but doesn't do much for the narrative. Also, has he been boring this whole time, or was he supposed to be not boring when he was reciting poems and the like?

Didn't work for me in any case.

Tula didn't work for me either. She came off as forward to an unrealistic degree, and her jokes felt like they were trying too hard. She also starts off very rude, going so far as to float Edward's plight as pathetic. Keep in mind she's a tattoo artist. Is she trying to get a tip or what?

Ending didn't work for me. Wouldn't Tula's poem strike Sophia as out of character, and the abrupt pivot back to his old love poems bizarre? Like, wouldn't "Edward, what the fuck is wrong with you" be an on-the-table response? Again, this strikes me as a potentially missed opportunity for comedy.

Not sure I could get a proper read on this one, to be fair, but it didn't appeal to me.

James, this isn't mine, first of all, but in reading your feedback, I just get the sense that you aren't seeing this...or these...in the sense they're intended.

Maybe I don't quite get ROMCOM, but I'm pretty sure I do, as I've seen hundreds, but for me, a ROMCOM is almost always over the top goofy, and far from what would be "realistic".

Know what I'm saying?

That's cool you didn't like this one, but I definitely did.  No matter, but it's easily one of the better entries, and for me, very funny.  Just saying...

Quoted from James McClung - Same goes for the ending. Is she using the Dust Buster because she is a compulsive cleaner? Or is she just using it cuz she has it now and this is supposed to be a gag of some sort?

I believe she is using it because she is a compulsive cleaner as shown in the early scene with her cleaning his mess of crumbs at the table.

However, just because a woman is a compulsive cleaner, it doesn't mean she doesn't want, even need, spiritually, a sentimental gift.  :)

Quoted from Dreamscale James, this isn't mine, first of all, but in reading your feedback, I just get the sense that you aren't seeing this...or these...in the sense they're intended. Maybe I don't quite get ROMCOM, but I'm pretty sure I do, as I've seen hundreds, but for me, a ROMCOM is almost always over the top goofy, and far from what would be "realistic". Know what I'm saying? That's cool you didn't like this one, but I definitely did.  No matter, but it's easily one of the better entries, and for me, very funny.  Just saying...

I'd agree in the sense that perhaps I shouldn't be looking for or expecting realism in every script I read. I do prefer some grounding in logic in order to follow a story, but that's a preference and perhaps a little unfair to project on others who have different ideas of comedy they want to present. I also made a point to say I may not have understood the humor in this one.

I didn't find this one to be over-the-top goofy though, except for some of Tula's lines (in fact, I think I would've appreciated some over-the-top goofy responses to what over-the-top goofy lines there were). But if the lines don't strike me as goofy, funny, or realistic, I don't know what you want me to do. Something could just as easily read as unnatural because the writer couldn't make it work, as opposed to them intending it to be silly or whatever. That happens, and it's a possibility I'm wary of. There've been other scripts in this challenge where I've recognized attempts at comedy and more or less let them slide. I might've said they aren't funny but, in those cases, more for the sake that the writer would want to know what I thought either way.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I believe she is using it because she is a compulsive cleaner as shown in the early scene with her cleaning his mess of crumbs at the table. However, just because a woman is a compulsive cleaner, it doesn't mean she doesn't want, even need, spiritually, a sentimental gift.  :)

Of course. :)

Alrighty folks!

Going over these with one of those fine tooth combs like in Payer Fedris.  :)

I'm struggling whether to keep this one in my running. It's a really tight neck & neck horse race. And I love a good thoroughbred horserace!

There was a bit of dialogue that I was able to ignore, but it's niggling at me:

TULA
A woman doesn’t want you to worship her.
She wants you to make her feel totally
feminine.

Nope. I totally want to be worshipped.  :)

And the

She wants you to make her feel totally feminine.

Hmmm...

I don't think that holds true either.

When I was a kid, I was pretty darn good at throwing a tomahawk. Yeah, I know... who lets their kid play with an axe? Hey, my dad was the most amazing guy to sharpen knives! Back in those days, you better know how to use all that stuff and not just to kill people with.  :)

So yeah, the feminine line doesn't quite work, but it does for Tula's perspective. So okay, after having that chat with myself, I guess it's good. But the worshipped... Hmmm?

Alright Writer,

It was okay, this one. I’m not really sure about the last “tits” line, it didn’t really scan that well, but apart from that it was quite nice.

My main issue is that it didn’t really feel complete. You’ve got some good patter down, but there wasn’t a convincing circularity to it.

Anyway, good job overall.

Cam

Another solid one, here.

Nice, short, and sweet. Not too funny, though. At least, not to me.

I like the way you incorporated the rose, through the tattoo. Clever. You got the chocolate in there, too. Did I miss the red? Hmm...

I'd lose Edwards final line about the tattoo chicks boobs. It kinda undermines the message of the story.

Overall, good stuff.

Zack

Worshiping Tula's boobs.

Sorry, just a meh for me.

There were some very creative formatting choices.
EDWARD REMEMBERS ?

The comedy was just okay.  The dustbuster bit was kinda funny.  Some of Tula's dialogue was too extreme to be funny.

Chocolate?

It's not easy to write a ten page romcom, let alone tell it with flashbacks, etc.

I think I would rather see a romcom with Tula and Edward falling in love at the tattoo shop.    

Not half bad -- the use of a female "Cyrano de Bergerac" is a nice twist on the old tale.  I like that Tula got him started and then Edward started freelancing and that got him back in Sophia's graces.


I felt like you missed on the chocolate and the humor portions of the challenges -- they were there, sort of, but not used to their potential.

But overall, not a bad effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

You've written a good script here. Let's see how it battles out!

:)

I actually think a dust buster present is a good idea.  Although my missus has told me to stop being so practical.

You’ve got some nice dialogue.

On page one, I don’t know what this CU. stands for.  Assume a camera angle.

I assume the heart shape tattoo is coloured red.  But we will never know.  Shame no chocolates were there.  I thought this script had a good vibe.

The dialogue is great, for the most part. A few spelling mistakes, some formatting issues, and how many times can you say tattoo in the opening paragraph? Maybe it was a rush job.

I'm assuming you meant chocolates when you said "candy" but you should have just said so. The red and the flowers is the tattoo? Pretty much all a cop out.

Wouldn't Edward and Tula hear Sophia vacuuming over the phone? It really undermines her reason for ending things just three hours earlier...an odd choice for sure.

Lots of zingers throughout, but it's not really funny. Fun to read, that's about it. Romance? If reciting (see what I did there?) poetry counts as romance, then I guess so. I do like the ending, but the title and logline suggests this is Edward's story and it really isn't. The ending makes it clearly about Tula.

I don't think this really meets the requirements, but it does pay lip service to them at least. I do like your Tula character, she's terrific. Edward was all over the place, he changed to whatever you needed him to be to make the "comedy" work.

Good effort, I'm kind of middle of the road on it. I'd read anything with Tula in it though.

Nice, and the characters are great. However, I might tweak the flashback scene at Starbucks: after Edward makes a total mess, I doubt neat-freak Sophia is going to reward him with a smile.

As for the tatoo, do people get tatoos of someone they just broke off with? Maybe he already has her name tattooed on his forearm, and he wants Tula to add the words "I hate" in front of the name. Or if he's not comfortable with such strong language, maybe he wants Tula to "who?" after the name.

Before she commences work, Tula advises him to think carefully about taking this irrevocable step, and pries the story out of him.

Sorry I didn't buy Edward or Sophia, or their relationship so their romcom didn't work for me.

Tula was good though, maybe she should've been the love interest.

Quoted from jayrex I actually think a dust buster present is a good idea.  Although my missus has told me to stop being so practical.

From much experience..practical - Hell Yes!  Well received by female - Hell No!!!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

T=But, the idea reads like my life story, minus the tattoos!  HA!!

Quoted from jayrex I actually think a dust buster present is a good idea.  Although my missus has told me to stop being so practical.

What's WRONG with me?! I must have missed the memo but:

I THINK A DUST BUSTER IS A DAMN GOOD PRESENT!!!

:) :) :)