The Perfect Pair by Mark Moore (Irisheyes) writing as -  Gram Horse - Short, RomCom - An improbable pair meet their match. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Your logline is not a logline. It's a slogan on a movie poster.

The start is weak. Not much characterization. If Kevin is a man child living at home we need to see him eating more than a box of wheaties. The opening conversation about moving out is rather abrupt cause there is no set up.

Nicole is a sock puppet? Oh god. Oh no.

The sock relationship line is funny. I will give you that.

Canned milk?

The date montage could be funny, but is also absurd considering the third wheel involved. I guess maybe the reveal at the end allows it to happen, but still, this whole script is just, weird. I'd say it could very well be the strangest of the bunch but as its my first read and as this isnt my first OWC I know whats in store for me still. :)

Dialogue is very OTN. Very bloated. Could easily cut down to 7 pages and not lose a thing. There are funny concepts here, I like the black sock, lol but too strange and wandering for me.

Logline is not a good start.

I can't sure, since you didn't set the opening scene very well, but I'd assume that Kevin is sitting down at a table as he's eating.  If that's the case, how would we see his legs to know they're weak and/or thin?  He'd also have to have shorts on.

2nd passage is very poorly written, missing lots of punctuation and just downright awkward.

Writing is really bad, sorry to say.  Comma can be your best friend...or your worst enemy if you don't know how to use them or just avoid using them.

Huh?  A sock puppet?   OMG!  We have ourselves a pisser here?

HA!  There are some very funny lines!  Some very funny exchanges, even.

You forgot to delete the final page, which always looks so amateur.

But, you know what, I have to admit it.  This is quite funny, very unique, and seems to meet the parameters.

I would definitely call this a pisser, but that isn't always a bad thing, as the intent here is obviously outlandish humor...and you nailed that pretty well.

Writing-wise, this is extremely poor.  The missing commas make it very difficult to read.  Maybe this was intentional to make it really wreak of urine...I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.

Whatever peeps have to say about this, it will be hard to forget it, and that's a good thing.

***

Hi writer,

So, before we all dive on the SS Unique and sail that saying away off over the January OWC challenge, South Park covered this with Mitch Connor and JLO a few years back. Pushing that aside, it was random as hell and a little bit of fun.

You’ve gone surreal, I liked Kevin and his physical descriptions, kinda added something for me. The dialogue, take an axe to it and speed it up. The chocolates and other bits required weren’t really fundamental to the story. There’s that last page which looks bad, but overall it sort of works.

I like mental scripts, surreal is a rather big deal to moi, and this did okay imo. It’s definitely a romcom so that’s a plus.

Cam

Quoted Text INT. CARROLL HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

CARROLL'S

Quoted Text KEVIN CARROLL (25) chows down on a bowl of Wheaties and a half a dozen hard boiled eggs at the table like a man on a mission. He weighs close to two hundred fifty pounds, all upper body, tends to skip leg day.

You need to place him - at a table??

Quoted Text PEGGY Listen Kevin we just think you can do better.

An error you make throughout - you need a comma after Listen.

Quoted Text Kevin opens Nicole's mouth wide. He rotates Nicole to glance at him then at his parents. He changes his voice a few octaves higher, talks through his gritted teeth.

You need to establish that the sock puppet is Nicole earlier - when he raises his hand.

Quoted Text JIM It's a little rough with the ultimatum but they do have a point. Nicole is a little creepy

Was this supposed to be Kevin??

Reading on - there are typos and grammar errors throughout - too many to mention. This needs a clean-up in that regard.

The roses and chocolates were barely there - not really woven into the story at all.

All that being said...

Despite all of the errors - I love the premise of this one and a lot of your lines landed with me. I think there is talent there - a little more attention to the mechanics would go a long way.

Writer,

Yes, rom com this is. The premise shows great originality, and it had some very funny moments. I was curious to see how it all ended, and I won’t say it disappointed, but i thought it could’ve ended better too. Not sure how that would be — maybe another page could have tied this up. This is a story I’d work on further.

Very good effort!

Steve

Hi Writer,

Pretty funny stuff here, and a distinct romantic element. The other parameters feel very tacked on, but you got them there.

This script could use a good edit.

The sock puppet thing doesn't feel too original, but it was a bit of fun.

All the best.

Well, this was something different - in a good way.

I have a few quibbles but all fixable.

The parents will allow him to stay living in the family home if he finds a real woman?! Oh well, it's all a bit out there.

I like the off kilter stuff, it's amusing.
I love the montage too. Very funny.

I like Kevin's dependence on the sock puppet - his security blanket - Nicole can never reject him.

I think you have something here (with a few edits and refinements) that would be very funny on screen.

You do seem to have an aversion to commas.

Red, chocs, roses? Not front and centre, but this is a quirky, entertaining, and original take on the challenge.

As stated earlier, your logline is a tagline for an ad.

A sock puppet? Kinda silly.

Others have cited the story's poor punctuation, and I concur.

Sorry, but this concept simply doesn't grab me.

I get the attempts at humor here and they seem to have resonated with others, so consider my opinion to be an outlier. This script just wasn't doing anything for me on a comedic or romantic level, although, as I said, it did for other readers. There is a lot to clean up in the spelling and grammar categories, but that's the easy part. It's certainly not a bad effort, just one that doesn't include me in its target audience.

Not a great logline.

It met the parameters and had me laughing quite a few times with romance in the air including the sock ;D

The writing needs to be cleaned up but besides I enjoyed how it came it about at the end and at least the title makes sense now.

Good job on entering

Hello Writer

I think some of the other scripts have twisted my mind... because I read the title of this and thought "I bet this is some crude script about boobs" - anyway...

Ha! Started a bit slow, then the puppet came out - loving it.

This is reminding of Two and Half Men when Alan goes a bit crazy and has the ventriloquist doll.

I think you can cut the Jim character ti be honest, he doesn't add anything.

I think you took a risk on this one (And not in some weird sexual/murderous/porno way like others) and for me the risk paid off, bravo! I really enjoyed it - I mean, if I was to see this as a short movie I would have my WTF? face on a lot, but I would thoroughly enjoy it.
Well done to you

Matt

Haha,  what a crazy script.

This will stick with me. I laughed most of the time. And it's very romantic. Actually rom com short is harder to get right as opposed to the feature.. And in my opinion you did very well.

The only thing is - I'd get rid of the Montage and just give them a cute dialog to show the attraction between the two. I'm talking about Kevin and Jill.

Veyr funny ending that made great sense.. Great story.

I want to say I liked it because the visuals are good.

What needs to be worked on:  I think the set up needs to be different. Show him actually obsessed with the work of being a puppeteer.

Show him working so hard that it doesn't allow him much time for anything else. Show him doing some mirror work... Maybe on stage...

Right now, it reads more as crazy than real. I think he belongs in THE CRAZY IN LOVE script!! That would be so cool to see!  ;D You two writers should get together and collaborate. I'd love to read it if you did.

The other problem in this script was his age: he seemed more like a teenager. If you show him working more, you can still keep him at home and have the parents' concern etc... you know what I mean?

This was a memorable story. Cute.

I have to give it good marks for potential.

Thank you for your contribution.

Sandra

Cute story, but you have to figure that Jill, a beautiful 24-year-old, is as wacko as Kevin when she proceeds with the date, so the ending is somewhat predictable. If this plot is the one you want to stick with, there's nothing I can suggest that might make it work better. If you want to go in a different direction, what if the parents hire someone to date Kevin and then "kidnap" Nicole? Just be careful that Kevin doesn't return home missing Nicole -- and the hand it was attached to.

I wont piggyback on what others' have said...

The dialogue is a few drafts behind the rest of it.  See below:  Grammar and technicalities aside -- it met the parameters.   Check.  The concept was ok, not groundbreaking.  It's been done before.  The ending, meh.  It served its purpose but you're executing it at a surface level.

The whole kitchen scene with Kevin, his mother, and father -- stuff about him still living at home, and them (his parents) approaching the ends of their ropes with his situation.  You maybe reaching for an emotional beat, but I'm not buying it, not even at a dollar store.  Why?  You failed to set it up.  It's clumsy, weak.

But more importantly, you're guilty of a pretty common crime -- and that is -- all scenes are about something or other, and in most scenes people are talking about something or other.

Some writers, MYself included, make a common mistake of having our characters in a scene talk to one another about whatever it is that the scene is about.  Yup, sometimes it's unavoidable but as a rule having characters in the scene talk to one another about whatever the scene is about makes for a very dull on-the-nose scene.

More problems with your MONTAGE;  An employee shines a light on her, tells her to leave. He takes Nicole off Kevin's hand and escorts her out. Kevin mouths "sorry"  Who?  Nicole, or Jill.   Is he really telling a sock to leave????  I'm assuming its Nicole, but... you've got dual possessive determiners right after the other (her).

It can get rather confusing, because it's poorly constructed.

But what do I know -- I'm just a middle-of-the-road screenwriter (ie: not new but not yet pro level).  Kudos for finishing....

Well, that was something.  Kind of reminded me of the Ryan Gosling Movie “Lars and the Real Girl”. I guess you can have a romance with a sock. Maybe not a healthy one, mind you, but...

Parts of it were funny, parts were groaners. All comedies have your swings and misses as well as the home run.  I feel like this was somewhere in between.  It was an interesting concept and I’d really like to see this cleaned up and worked on a little more and see what you come up. A good effort, but just not quite there yet.

Gary

Okay, glad to see I'm not the only one to make the Lars and the Real Girl connection. (Maybe my  favorite movie ever.)

So, as you can see, my sense of humor allows me to hop right on this ride with you and see where you're going.

And, for the most part, I enjoyed the ride.

Definitely needs a cleanup, but everyone else covered the basics, so I won't pile on.

One inconsistency: in the montage, I read it as the movie theater employee escorts Nicole out. If that's the case, I'd suggest changing it. Nicole is real to Kevin (and maybe later, Jill). No other character recognizes her as real, so the employee shouldn't either.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

Hi,

I enjoyed this. Well done! It's quite funny in parts and meets the requirements set. A few grammatical errors, but that can be cleaned up. All in all, very enjoyable read. Funny and quite oddly romantic.

Good luck with this,
Glenn

Very creative.

The logline suits the story too.

Although this story takes the piss.  I really enjoyed it.

For me this meets the romcom part because of the ending.

I wish more scripts were like this one.

Hi Writer,

Haha, this one was a crazy ride.

Some nitpicky comments:

Quoted Text PEGGY Wow someone is a good mood.

Wow, someone is "in" a good mood.

Quoted Text FRANK Had a good night son.

A question??

Quoted Text Jill puts her hand in her purse. Everyone looks on puzzled. She pulls out her own sock puppet... a large black sock complete with google eyes, a stuck on goatee and a small red beret.

I think you should introduce the name of the puppet, Arnold, here.

Definitively a rom-com. It had humor, romance and the premise was original, something different...

The dialogue was on the nose and the script may benefit from an edit, but I enjoyed the read.

The ending was expected but I liked it anyway.

Overall - a good story, and one worth working on further.

Good job!

This feels like a rushed entry, but maybe that's just your particular style...

I love the opening. It's visual and outrageous. It's hilarious. I was on board for a fun ride. Maybe if the whole world didn't take the sock thing seriously, it would have been. One person at work, fine, but when a random theater employee treats the sock like a real person, the comedy is lost. Kevin is the one who should have been thrown out, maybe he offers to give up Nicole, driving a further wedge between them.

But there's another problem with that whole section of the script. For someone who is so attached to Nicole in the beginning, he sure is quick to toss her aside. There's no competition on his date, the sock is just a third wheel. If anything, that's where Kevin should have been struggling, and Peggy's tolerance of the sock should have brought ample opportunity for some better laughs with that struggle. But he seems to all but forget Nicole is even there. If Nicole had been the protagonist, that could have actually worked, and it would have strengthened the ending too, but that's not the way you went.

As for that ending, it's a little too dark for the warmth to come through. Nicole is either way too personified or Kevin is genuinely insane for the syringe to come into play. If you'd step back from going that far off the rails, it's a touching moment that should have come earlier, like at the end of the date, and the ending be a double-date of sorts, or maybe the socks produce a little bootie, an announcement of a baby but for the socks that is their baby. There are plenty of ways to do it differently, this wasn't it.

I love the premise, it deserves a rework.

I thought this was pretty funny. More comedy than romcom,  but the rom in the com showed up later on, so...

Have you ever seen Lars and the real girl? I loved that film. If I was going to write something for this OWC I would have used a none human as the love object too.

Lots of typos or grammar errors , but I could easily ignore those.

I thought you did well with this one. Would be easy to shoot too. Wouldn’t be surprised if someone asks you for permission.

You would have got high marks from me. :)

This struck me as more absurd comedy than real romcom but I kinda liked it.

Made me laugh, some of the imagery conjured up by the socks would be funny on screen and just the central idea struck a chord.

Nice work.

Okay, for what it’s worth, this was very silly. And silly translates to comedy in my book.

Surely this is not perfect in a long shot.  A few rewrites down the line this could easily get produced.  Yes, really.  Jim  Carrey made a lot of crazy ass movies like this.

As far as this contest, it does fall a little short.  But, hell, it made me laugh. A lot.

Good job  

Thanks to everyone that liked The Perfect Pair!

I had a blast writing it and even managed to keep the tone of the humor down enough to be enjoyed and not disgusted ;D;D

I'm glad the majority concentrated on the story and not my usual poor grammar. I received a lot of great notes and for sure, they will used. I think this is a short I can work with.

Thanks Again