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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  /  Cupid's Arrow - OWC
Posted by: Don, February 1st, 2019, 11:27pm
Cupid's Arrow by Hairy Big Balls - Short, RomCom - Dick finally meets the love of his life on a speed dating event.  But will Fanny love him back? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: hittheband, February 2nd, 2019, 12:49am; Reply: 1
I respect the Dick/Fanny Puns . classic

-S
Posted by: LC, February 2nd, 2019, 9:34am; Reply: 2
Hmm, not so much me  (referring to the OPs comment) which btw I hope is not the author doing a hit n run of his own. I could be wrong of course...

I tried to like this cause I like the premise of speed dating but I'm sorry to say the lines were too cornball and hackneyed for my taste. And it came off as a bit rushed with quite a few typos.

Perhaps if Dick had some genuinely complimentary and charming lines for Fanny interspersed with all the puns I might have found him more endearing and more three dimensional. Just a thought.

Btw,  'aptronym' - would Fanny even know what that means? Dick is definitely Dick by name and Dick by nature. The anal line (complete with duplicate word) just didn't land either, especially not coming from Fanny.

Promising in the beginning, I liked his clarification of the cocktail pun but if filmed I think I might be groaning more than laughing.

Hope we see more of you, Writer.


Posted by: irish eyes, February 2nd, 2019, 12:32pm; Reply: 3
Everything about this script wants to say pisser

          DICK
I’m currently working on a clever
idea.  It’s a romantic comedy about
a stupid vampire who is in love
with a girl who is deathly afraid
of the dark.

and the discussion from the posts


What's with the 'A True Love Story' on the right and 'Cupid’s Arrow Called Snatch' on the left of every page????

dick, fanny, sex, blowjobs blah blah blah  teenage humor at is finest

Good job on entering

Posted by: eldave1, February 2nd, 2019, 7:46pm; Reply: 4
At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.


Quoted Text
Cupid’s Arrow Called Snatch


The above - an odd header on page 2.

The names don't land with me humor wise. May with others.

There are some extra spaces in many of the dialogue blocks.


Quoted Text
FANNY
Well I like to reserve
judgment. Too many players these
days. I’m just here because my
friend drag me along.


dragged.

I appreciate the effort - but for me, the humor didn't land. It had to be too blunt to make the puns work and as a result the dialogue seemed forced - as if it's only purpose was for the pun.


Posted by: ReneC, February 3rd, 2019, 3:08am; Reply: 5
Speed dating! That's how to keep the page count down! Wish I'd thought of that.  ::)

And the premise is wasted on a pisser. Although, if this had gone full slapstick I would probably have laughed my ass off. It has potential as an SNL skit, but there's nothing romantic about this.

Blissfully short. That's my Statler and Waldorf review.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, February 3rd, 2019, 9:10am; Reply: 6
I mean - definitely a pisser, right?

Says he's an orphan, followed by three examples of screenwriting orphans? then the mention of the vampire idea from the other thread, and the overall, well pisser'ness of it.

I don't like the crudeness of it, although one line made me smile, which then annoyed me lol But it's a pisser, so you don't care right? If I wrote this and showed it to my other half, she would be pissed at me.

Anyway, it is what it is. Well done for taking part.
Posted by: Warren, February 3rd, 2019, 9:44pm; Reply: 7
Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Hairy Big Balls
Brought To You By Snatch.com


I'm on the title page and you’ve almost lost me already, but I'll push forward.


Quoted Text
DICK ALCOCK


Oh god, do I have to read this one?


Quoted Text
FANNY BUSH


And I'm out. This kind of stuff does absolutely nothing for me. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the attempts at comedy.

Not for me.

All the best.
Posted by: IamGlenn, February 4th, 2019, 12:23pm; Reply: 8
Hi,

Hairy Big Balls? Snatch.com? Ok...

This one didn't work for me. I can see the attempt at humour but very little landed. A lot of Fanny and Dick puns, which gets old pretty quick. Not for me.

Good luck,
Glenn
Posted by: SAC, February 4th, 2019, 10:25pm; Reply: 9
Writer,

Wow. I thought my pseudonym was pushing the boundaries. Well, this is clearly not a serious entry. Or maybe it is. But I suspect a pisser — it starts out of the gate but doesn’t stop. Probably a missed opportunity here because I think the dialogue would have been funnier if you left everything normal — their names, your pseudonym... all of it. Didn’t you see that this might have worked if you left all the silliness out? Oh well. It was a bit of fun anyway.

Steve
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), February 5th, 2019, 3:45am; Reply: 10
Hey Writer...

Okay, I’ve been accused of pisser-tastic scripts in the past, but this should probably be a bar with which to judge potential pissers against. Jeff, take note!!!

First off, regardless of the complaints it is kinda creative? Maybe creative? Shit, I’ve no idea, it wasn’t roflcopter funny, definitely not a romcom and it just rambles. Not for me but well done on entering.

Cam

P.S. my OWC Leprechaun Pride script was called a pisser, but I’m comparison to this it reads like Citizen Kane, can we rerun the votes please??
Posted by: Spqr, February 5th, 2019, 1:55pm; Reply: 11
If the single entendres were wittier, this might have been interesting. There is no point to this story. No romance. No comedy. Actually, I think these people are afraid of the opposite sex, so they try to gross out the other side so they don't actually have to go on a date. But now, their mutual vulgarity has trapped them into a situation where they either have to face what they are or go on actual date with the other.
Posted by: Zack, February 5th, 2019, 4:24pm; Reply: 12
I'm 115% sure who wrote this. ;)

I loved this. Lol. Not a romance, whatsoever. but it's funny as fuck. Maybe I'm just immature, but this is totally my sense of humor.

Fanny has double dialog lines on page 2. A couple of typos throughout, I can tell this was rushed.

"Anal will make my hole weak."  :o :o :o ;D ;D ;D Fucking brilliant. I seriously almost died. Though there is a typo in the sentence you wrote.

And you even referenced(word for word) one of my OWC ideas I shared in the other thread. Makes me feel special. This is one of my favorites thus far.

Great stuff.

Zack
Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, February 5th, 2019, 11:37pm; Reply: 13
Man, these rom-coms are like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're going to get.

A fair amount of dialogue seems contrived just so you could squeeze in a joke - "I've never encountered a Dick before.  I mean person with your name. Of course I've had it."  "Likewise, you're my first Fanny. From which country does your name originate?"  "I believe it's french." "Nice to meet you too. I'm Dick. "  "I'm Fanny. Fanny Bush."

Here's the thing, stuff like that wears thin, quick.   But humor is a subjective thing so I dunno, maybe there's a portion of the sane world out there that will laugh themselves silly over this one. This one didn't work for me.  Kudos for finishing. -Andrea
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, February 6th, 2019, 6:24pm; Reply: 14
Interestingly snatch.com is not nsfw

Start reminds me of a Carry On film or a Confessions ... fingers crossed!

Aptronym - awesome I learnt a new word in amongst all the double entendres.

I love that the word 'orphan' is an orphan ;-)

Shame this was mistyped -  But anal will my my hole weak.

I'm not sure I'd fully say this is a romcom, there's a lot of com and ton of smut but rom - not so much.

But I really liked it - made me chuckle, good job.
Posted by: James McClung, February 6th, 2019, 7:31pm; Reply: 15
"Hairy Big Balls."

"Dick Alcock."

"Fanny Bush."

*groans*

The jokes are too easy to be funny. Immature, and yet they feel like dad humor. Beyond that, there's not much to say about this one. No plot, but it's a speed date, so fuck it. It occurred to me at one point that Dick should ask more questions to learn more about Fanny, but neither character is really developed, so what does it really matter?

You really wiped out on the "anal will my my hole weak" typo. Seems like that was supposed to be some kind of show-stopper.

Consistent. I'll give you that. But lame. Meh.
Posted by: khamanna, February 6th, 2019, 10:34pm; Reply: 16
I've got to be honest - I laughed a lot. So many jokes. I even laughed when he entered her Fanny digits into his phone and dialed. And her phone rung and he hang up. It was kind of funny you spelled his every step out like that.

Haha "i'm an orphan" - now why do I know who wrote it. Haha, about the vampire who is in love with a girl afraid of the dark. A lot of insider jokes - but well presented. And funny.

When she said at the end "photography, anything" - he could reply "pornography".But he didn't. He should.
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., February 7th, 2019, 2:09am; Reply: 17

Quoted from eldave1
At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.



I would think this is obvious: Somewhere around BIG HAIRY BALLS.  ;D
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 7th, 2019, 9:36am; Reply: 18
That scent...I know that scent.  It's urine!  And from the title page alone, I think we have ourselves another pisser.  Let's see...

"DICK ALCOCK" -  ;D ;D ;D  Yep, looks to be a pisser.

FANNY BUSH - HA!  Thanks for including my last name in your script.

What's with "A True Love Story" on the bottom of every page?  And then, "Cupid's Arrow Called Snatch" on the top of every page?  Damn...that's actually quite funny..you replaced "CONTINUED" with these little phrases, didn't you?  Genius..pure genius!!!!

The dialogue is terrible..great job!  Pissers read better when the dialogue is so off.

Page 3 - Dialogue is great here. I'm laughing out loud!

"aptronym" - Just learned a new word.  See, peeps?  Pissers can be real learning tools!!!

"orphan" - Genius!  Whoever you are, you've got a winner here!  Love how many of the lonely little redheads you have running around here.

"Your smile has made my whole
day.  But anal will my my hole
weak." - HA!!!   ;D ;D ;D  Not sure if the typo is intended or not, but if I were you, I would write this out correctly (with the misspellings, of course)  But anal will make my hole weak.  Damn, that's actually really funny!

HA!  And there's a line of dialogue taken directly from the OWC discussion page about the vampire.  Funny shit, bro!

And, The End.  Well, it is what it is and I bet most are going to literally hate this, but for me it's quite funny and even pretty intelligent at times.  It wreaks of urine, but that's the smell you want coming off a good old fashioned pisser.  It works and I appreciate it.

***1/2

Posted by: LC, February 8th, 2019, 12:00am; Reply: 19
Manxman, feel free to post your review again -

Minus the personal attack.
Posted by: Gary in Houston, February 8th, 2019, 11:13am; Reply: 20
Normally I don’t mind pissers because there’s usually some nuggets of comedy gold in them. I felt like this was just a middle finger to the orphan and format police on this site. So not much to say about this except that it wasn’t for me.
Posted by: Philostrate, February 8th, 2019, 11:23am; Reply: 21
Hi Writer,

Pisser or no pisser I liked the premise of speed dating. That was clever.

The humor was crude and didn’t land for me, but I appreciate the effort.

IMO - the second half wasn’t as creative as the first: the classic 'I'm a screenwriter' device, a borrowed idea about a vampire from the other thread and an insider joke about orphans felt rushed, not very imaginative.

Anyway – not a bad effort.

Good job on entering.
Posted by: PKCardinal, February 8th, 2019, 5:04pm; Reply: 22
I'm still fairly new here.

Now I know what a "pisser" looks like.

Thanks for sharing? :)
Posted by: Conz, February 12th, 2019, 9:14am; Reply: 23
I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 14th, 2019, 9:21pm; Reply: 24

Quoted from Conz
I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.


It's a pisser, Conz.  The orphans are on purpose.  I bet most of the obvious mistakes and lame dialogue are also on purpose...or at least I hope.

Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.   ;D ;D ;D
Posted by: Zack, February 14th, 2019, 9:33pm; Reply: 25

Quoted from Dreamscale


Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.   ;D ;D ;D


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  ;D ;D ;D

Zack
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 14th, 2019, 10:04pm; Reply: 26

Quoted from Zack


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  ;D ;D ;D

Zack


I did not write this one.  I PROMISE!!!!!  And I rarely every lie..other than when I'm in Mexico or Vegas, and my life depends on the lie.

;D ;D ;D ;D

Posted by: jayrex, February 18th, 2019, 4:51pm; Reply: 27
Got to thank everyone who attempted the read of my script.  It was obvious that it was a pisser.  And for those of you who obviously noticed and enjoyed it for what it was.  I'm happy.  

For the rest that thought this was serious.  Seriously?  Come on!

Glad some people learnt something new too.  It's not just a piss-take but educational too.

I grew up watching Carry on films.  So perhaps I was inspired!

The orphans were on purpose.  Hint hint nudge nudge.

And the screenwriting bit.  You have Zack's imagination to thank for that.

I'm really surprised Jeff liked this.  I think this is the first time ever this has happened to me.  And I joined way back in 2006.  I think I've found my calling.

I'm curious what this Manxman said.  I must have really offended the dude.

All the best.
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