Before The End Of The World by David Gonzalez (Philostrate) writing as James J. Brooks - Short, RomCom - Two best friends discover they are in love minutes before the world ends. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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I love a good apocalyptic movie.

pg. 3 - I found Billy gasping at Gina’s beauty a little too cheesy. Would add a line of dialogue from Billy instead.
pg. 5 - I love the twist!

This was an entertaining read that flew by quickly, with zippy, believable dialogue. Starts off very romantic then drifts into comedic territory. Very well-done.

I could quibble but where would the fun be in that.

Very enjoyable and it made me chuckle.
Nice line re Coldplay. I still love their music though.
I would have liked a little more feeling in the radio announcer's V.O.
And I think you should spell out K-U-N-T FM radio this way, but hey, I'm just glad that wasn't an indication things were going to detour into smut-land.

Okay, I quibbled a little bit.
Heartfelt, funny, enjoyable. Thank you, Writer.  8)

P.S. I wonder if Something About Mary was the inspiration for that final scene.

I think you could have used a tamer word than KUNT for your radio station.
It was short and sweet and an easy read.

Had it's comedic element with some romanticism thrown in.
I guess the face Reddens would be the red part... so kudos on that.

Good job on entering

Thoughtful premise with a twist.

So, I'd say what we have here is a sketch...a comedy sketch.

There's so little going on, it's a super fast read, so I didn't take notes as I went, but I know what jumped out at me...

Wrylies...WAY too many.  Not sure what's going on this OWC, but everyone seems to be wrylie obsessed!

Also, writing is awkward at times.

Don't like the use of KUNT for the radio station.

Is the "red coupe" the same as "car"?

Story-wise, it really can't be taken remotely seriously, because if the premise was real, what are these 2 friends doing in this car in the first place?  Fuck, it doesn't matter.

You ended on a different note than I would have, but some may like it.  If it were me, the final lines would be...

BILLY - So, you really love me?

GINA - Well, to be honest, I just wanted to get fucked one last time before I died, and you were my only hope,

**1/2

Well written for the most part - good job there.

The humor didn't quite land for me but I applaud the effort.

I was confused by the ending. The last scene we have a new header and I'm not sure we changed location or time. I didn't get what the ahhhhh was.

Overall - good job.

KUNT FM threw me - Didn't like it - You have spelt it with a K in some attempt to throw it off the word it sounds like, but you have put it in dialogue so makes no difference.

Anyway... story

Very tongue in cheek - None of it is to be taken seriously, and once I realised that, I enjoyed it more.

I can see people finding this funny, and I wasn't actually expecting the ending.

It was alright - Not gonna be up their with my favourites I don't think.

Good job on your entry

Matt

Quoted from eldave1 I was confused by the ending. The last scene we have a new header and I'm not sure we changed location or time. I didn't get what the ahhhhh was. Overall - good job.

Dave, I recommend you go back and read the end again.

I loved it.

Writing was very crisp and easy to follow. Dialog was very good. And my God. The ending. I choked on my coffee. Hahahaha. Frank and Beans! Hahahaha!!!

Great stuff.

Zack

It definitely had the comedy element. Not sure it was the romantic type of comedy. More a “Superbad” guy trying to get in the gril’s Pants kind of comed, with an element of “There’s Something about Mary” penis in the zipper thrown in.

Still, it was a fun, easy-breezy kind of script and an enjoyable read. Good job.

Best,
Gary

This was a silly script and can be pretty goofy if filmed and acted right. It feels like a familiar premise, kind of like a side short for "Seeking A Friend For The End oF the World" except everyone lives. Like Jeff said, it's like a comedy sketch and I think it would be fairly feasible to film, and even moreso either as a live-action or an animation, I can see it working both ways. The only real quip I have is the very end. I would nix out the last two lines and just end it with describing Billy screaming in the description (and to make it even sillier, have a flock of birds poof out from some trees when he screams). Good job.

Quoted from Zack Dave, I recommend you go back and read the end again. I loved it. Writing was very crisp and easy to follow. Dialog was very good. And my God. The ending. I choked on my coffee. Hahahaha. Frank and Beans! Hahahaha!!! Great stuff. Zack

I did.

Get it now.

Thanks for the tip

Don't like the call letters for the radio station -- it makes the tone of the story a bit too tawdry and vulgar.

For the announcer's "final" song, how about Elvis Costello's "Waiting For The End Of The World"? (At least it would indicate this jock, who should be a bit more emotional about the whole thing, has a sense of humor.) And Billy's problems setting things up for romance conjures up "the safety belt that wouldn't budge" in Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place To Go."

Loved the "false alarm" ending. Short and kinda sweet.

Nice!

Yeah, this was good. Simple, funny and a great ending. Nothing much to add. Another favourite of mine.

Well done,
Glenn.

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text Billy and Gina don’t blink, the words still echoing in their ears.

Which words? Because all I have now is...

Quoted Text KUNT-FM

Hopefully this is going somewhere.

Not a bad effort here. Definitely get rid of the KUNT FM thing, it’s so out of place.

I found the ending quite underwhelming. It was a pretty decent setup but I think it lost its way towards the end.

The writing was quite good as well.

All the best.

"KUNT-FM"? Perhaps the moderators of this board might want to consider instituting a minimum-age limit for participants. Say 13.
No romance here, just inept lust. And there is no comedy, which is only right since the world is about to end.
I think if the human race was facing a mass extinction event, a lot of people would try to get as much as sex as possible before the end, so there might be some comedy in that. But no romance.

A few thoughts...

Your writing is very good. I like it.  A very quick, easy read.  For me, the problem with this was I found the ending to be anticlimactic.  I guess I sort of expected something like that.  The humor was there, but nothing made me laugh out loud.  Nice entry.

This right here --"KUNT-FM"?  I'd drop that like a bad habit.  It's just silly.

Kudos for finishing.

This was a quick read and had some comedy moments that worked better than others (for me that is - other opinions are available).

I thought the radio announcement was very unrealistic, it's the end of the world and that doesn't come across.

And as a West Ham fan I have absolutely no issue with the use of the word cunt -however, you spell it - but it just felt out of place here and off tone versus the rest of the script.

I know you needed to get the chocolates and roses into the script, but c'mon who keeps dead flowers in their glove-box for 2 years?

The twist seems a little trite but it worked for the story and ultimately I enjoyed it.

Writaaaaaaa,

So then, lots to love here. It’s short and to the point, not overly complicated, it is funny and has a relationship arc. Outside the parameters I’d consider trimming the fly scene by a couple of lines, but that’s nit picking. The ending sealed it for me, I thought you’d ruined it with soppy nonsense but then that happened! Yay!!

Well done,

Cam

The writing could've been a little tighter for me. The dialogue felt a little choppy, for one thing. I also wasn't crazy about the NASA explanation at the end. I almost don't really care; I would've preferred the broadcast just conclude that NASA was wrong and say "It's a miracle!" or something. Might've actually been funnier that way.

I wouldn't say the zipper gag was hilarious, but it is a fun/clever conflict that works for what it is. Same goes for the ending. Predictable, but appropriate.

I wasn't crazy about this one, but I do think it's a pretty "responsible," to-the-point entry that's more or less effective and meets the challenge. Not much else to say. Good job.

Haha, this was creative and funny.

I loled throughout.

Liked the chocolates thing.

I think they should say in the dialog they've been restraining themselves for this long. Otherwise viewer will have no clue.

I liked this one a lot!

I think we've covered the KUNT-FM note, but it did set the stage for what was to come, so I get where you were coming from with it, but yeah, you chose poorly.

The radio announcer, the "minutes left until impact", it was all unrealistic, but that's the world this is set in, so I bought it. It's the device, and I was on board. I didn't expect them to live, I actually got anxiety over the jammed zipper! But you did a great job giving us the ending we actually wanted...well, almost.

A little bit more character at the start would have helped this a lot. Maybe before the radio announcer, something to tell us who these two people are, make us care about them a bit more. Right now they could be anybody, literally anybody.

I liked the Coldplay choice. It made me laugh, and I was already thinking, "Really? The world ends to Coldplay?" but you got that covered.

I didn't like the last line of real dialogue. "You dirty boy!" is out of the blue, he said nothing dirty or even sexual, he just agreed with her.

The comedy was solid throughout, and the last bit was the cherry on top. Excellent job with that. Romance? Not so much, this was more pent up sexual frustration and no time for romance so let's skip to the naughty bits.

I enjoyed it overall, and I'll certainly remember it. And it would be a breeze to film. Well done.

Cute. Nice dialog. Like everyone else I have to ask why the unfortunate name for the radio station? Who cares about Coldplay? Probably everybody except yours truly. Didn't quite get the ending. Was he caught in the zipper? Did they really die? Did he orgasm? The writer has a great style so he shouldn't worry too much about the substance as so many movies these days are baffling yet still get made.

HAHAHAHAHAHA that’s my reaction to this, mostly because I just watched the episode of Seinfeld where George is meeting with a therapist about breaking up with his girlfriend, but he can’t get past the fact that the zipper on his jacket is stuck and he freaks out about a zipper, and then the therapist gets in on it, and it was hilarious.

Sure, some things could use some tweaking, but I’m not going to even bother. I had a damn good time with this.

Fun short.

All things associated with the radio station need to be reworked. (Except the Coldplay bit.) Other than that, enjoyed it.

Nicely done.

Without reading the comments beforehand.

I thought this story was pretty good.  Given the circumstances, good job.

I would question the use of this line: 'Billy notices Gina’s talking to him.'

How has Billy not noticed what has just been occurring?  Is he in a daydream?

I would also write a Fade In after the Over Black intro.  When do we realise the over black has stopped?

Overall, I liked it.  It was a nice quick easy painless read.  And met the parameters for me.

Dear Writer -

This is an echo from many of the comments before me...KUNT is like a drop of lemon juice in the cream pitcher. It can curdle the whole thing.

But not for me, because when I got past that squirt in the eye I found the premise was great  fun and a high concept idea.

End of world, broken zipper, spoiled sex...but not really!

However,  I do feel the astroid did kind of land on the idea of ending and it fizzled out.

I don't know how the writer feels about it, but i think Jeff's suggestion for the ending is a good one. It could be Gina's "glove compartment" moment.

Cudo's to the writer, it was a truly fun ride in that red coupe!

...optioned by a UK director/producer....

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, you’ve given me a real insight into where my script works and where it doesn’t and I'll use it in the rewrites.

This was my first attempt ever at an OWC and I'm happy some of you enjoyed it, I sure had a lot of fun writing it.

I've never tried to write comedy before, let alone rom-coms, and I'm happy I could manage to get an entry in. I think I succeeded at the comedy, but I'm not so sure about the romance.

I also want to apologize for the use of that K-word-which-must-not-be-named, I shared the script with a few people before the challenge and no one complained about it. Silly me, I thought that meant it was okay. I understand now that it was a poor choice of words and, yes, I'll get rid of it first thing in the morning.

Actually, tomorrow I'll start to rewrite the script because… Well, I'll leave the news to Don ;)

It was a great challenge. Thanks Don and Pia! And kudos to all who entered –

See you in the next!
David

Quoted from Don ...optioned by a UK director/producer....

Thanks, Don!

David, woohoo!

Congrats and can't wait to see it.

Wow that was quick!

Congrats, David.

Quoted from LC David, woohoo! Congrats and can't wait to see it.

Thanks, Libby!

This option was a gratifying surprise :).

Quoted from Warren Wow that was quick! Congrats, David.

Yeah! Thanks, Warren.

Phil,

Congrats is in order for you to.  Job well done.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Phil, Congrats is in order for you to.  Job well done.

Thanks, Andrea. I appreciate it.

Congrats, Phil! This was one of my favorites. ;D

Zack

Quoted from Zack Congrats, Phil! This was one of my favorites. ;D Zack

Thanks, Zack!

Congrats! It's a nice script!

Amazing! Well done to you.

Hopefully a few more from this OWC get picked up as well

Most excellent! Congrats!

Quoted from khamanna Congrats! It's a nice script!

Thanks, Kham. Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Amazing! Well done to you. Hopefully a few more from this OWC get picked up as well

Thanks, Matthew.

I hope more entries are picked up, there are quite a few I'd like to see filmed.

Quoted from PKCardinal Most excellent! Congrats!

Thanks, Paul. Your script was one of my favs.

Woot! Yay!

Thanks, Cameron :)

Way to go, Bro!  Great news!!

Congrats, David!

You know what? I didn't read this because of the title and the logline.

I couldn't see romance in an apocalypse. With all the bad news these days, well, you know.

So... I'll just wait to watch it and hope I'm pleasantly surprised.  :)

Congrats David!!

That was a quick turnaround :)

Excellent news David!  Best of luck with it going forward!

Gary

High-five!

Congratulations.

Jeff, Sandra, Mark, Gary, Max - thank you all!!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Congrats, David! You know what? I didn't read this because of the title and the logline. I couldn't see romance in an apocalypse. With all the bad news these days, well, you know. So... I'll just wait to watch it and hope I'm pleasantly surprised.  :)

I completely understand, Sandra. But I think you'll be surprised. At least, a little. :)

That’s terrific news! Congrats!

I did say it would be a breeze to film.  ;)

Thanks, René!

Quoted from ReneC I did say it would be a breeze to film.  ;)

Yes, your exact words. :)

This one was shot last November:

Bravo, David! Look forward to watching it.

Awesome! Will watch it later when the kids are asleep

Are you happy with how it turned out?

Quoted from MarkItZero Bravo, David! Look forward to watching it.

Thanks, James  :).

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Awesome! Will watch it later when the kids are asleep Are you happy with how it turned out?

Thanks, Matt.

I haven't watched it either, lol. I know they switched the car for a camping tent for technical reasons, but the last time I talked with the director, it was still in post.

I know he was planning on a quick run in the festival circuit, but that was before the pandemic hit, and I haven't talked with him since.

When I have more news, I will let you know.

Ooo my mistake - I thought the above post was a link to the movie lol silly me.

Double congrats! Kicking goals all round.

Thanks again, Warren. I appreciate it!

This was my first contribution to a OWC, so getting one in was a victory on its own.

Filmed!

Congrats, David!

Yeah! Congrats from me too.  :)

Congrats, I remember reading it!

Congrats!

Thank you all, guys. I really appreciate it.

And thanks to Don for posting it.

First credit, so a little good news in what's been, mostly, a shitty year.

Quoted from Philostrate First credit, so a little good news in what's been, mostly, a shitty year.

And how sweet is that first one  :) Here's to many more.

Quoted from Warren And how sweet is that first one  :) Here's to many more.

Thanks, Warren. Crossing my fingers for the other one that is in post.