Just Plane Unexpected by Goyo "Contest Name" Gregerson - Short, RomCom - Nothing seems to make sense as a young couple joyfully celebrate an anniversary in a cold, empty airliner. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Obviously a talented writer seemed like you used every method including capitalizing Items and TONGUE EXTENDING apparently :D

It is a clever concept although it was getting way too mushy and  sickening dialogue glad it didn't stop at page 5.

Which turns out to be a movie(which explains the camera shots).
The dialogue belongs in a day time soap opera but the carnage around belongs in a Die Hard movie.

The Director is called Carl the main actor is called Cal....


Anyways good effort

Congrats on entering

The opening was confusing as hell for me. I really had a hard time getting my bearings.

And I am getting more confused as I go along.

The dialogue didn't ring true for me given their predicament.

SPOILERS

Look, you took on a tough task here - the slow reveal of a plane crash. So kudos for that. However, I don't think you executed it clearly - I had to keep re-reading passages to get my bearings straight.

Agree with the sappy dialogue. Perhaps trying too hard to juxtaposition the romance with the apparent airplane crash. As for their predicament. in the end we see they are simply actors on a set waiting out a shooting delay, NOT victims of a crash

Writer,

Nice misdirection, but the point of this story is just to get to that reveal — the rest doesn’t do it for me, I’m afraid. I found myself thinking, how can this couple be so lovey dovey given their situation? That, right there, took me out of the story as their was no explanation, other than anniversary and Valentines Day, why they would act this way after a plane crash. The rationale has to be more profound. The reveal was good, but by then it didn’t matter to me and still have no explanation why they were acting like this — other than the fact they were madly in love.

Also, unless you’re shooting this yourself, this read like a shooting script — camera angles and such. Doesn’t work for a spec script.

Overall, decent effort but doesn’t hit the mark.

Steve

Hi,

I liked that this was different. You chose to tell the story in a way (with the camera panning back) and stuck with it. The reveal of carnage and death was pretty well done. I didn't find it very funny. Others might.

Then, the ending. The twist didn't work for me, sorry to say.

Well written though.

Good luck,
Glenn.

Methinks this is tricky.  I like the fact you didn't go for a vanilla writing style, and that you put voice into your stage direction.  The reveal towards the END.  While I applaud your efforts for doing something different... romance... plane crash... it went over about as well as a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich for me.

Not trying to sound trite, but I didn't find any of it funny.  But hey, I have no dog in this fight.  Kudos for finishing.

Hi Writer,

This is written like a shooting script. Sure people say you can use camera direction, regardless I think it distracts from the story. I also believe there is a creative way to write almost any camera direction as action to give the same effect.

Does anyone else shout CAPPED action to themselves? It’s also something I'm not particularly a fan off.

Quoted Text With a frustrated groan, the pretty tongue extends further and Cal rewards it with only the briefest lick.

Quoted Text The champagne salvage ends with lips together in a wet, lubricated kiss.

I'm not sure sexy is your thing. A lubricated kiss?

Okay so the camera directing was more part of the story, for me it still takes me out of the read.

I think this script has potential if it was cleaned up a bit.

Not too much comedy from what I could tell, but seemed to hit all the other markers.

All the best.

Walla Walla? Oh, Washington, not NSW.

FYI: Email is sufficient.

Well, points for being inventive.
The problem I had was that I didn't buy the romance. It sounds like they're bunging it on, which it turns out, they are.

You might want to try good actors and then go for the reveal.
Just an idea.

A bit too over the top for me.

P.S. I'm not going through with a fine tooth comb but I did notice 'loose' instead of 'lose' and speaking of, I'd lose the bus seat reference.

I want to like this. But, in the end, I don't think I did.

The camera direction was incredibly distracting. It makes more sense with the twist, but, still I'd lose it.

The basic premise is fun. Twice.  A couple in a plane crash, realizing they're probably going to to die, but still "celebrating" together. Nice. Then, the twist that they're actors on a set. Also nice. So, why didn't I end up liking the final product?

I think it's because it was all too confusing. Losing the camera direction would go a long way, but also consider losing the slow rollout of the "predicament." That is: set it up in the most direct way possible. Then hit us with the first twist. Set up the new reality very simply again and hit us with the second twist.

There's a lot to like here, if you clean it up.

Good luck!

It was a bit of a frustration to read it.
All the capped sentences took me away from the read.
I don't see the importance of not showing them in an airplane at once, then showing them in seats and only on p3 revealing they are indeed in an airplane.

How can camera movement reveal dangling oxygen masks? When did the masks get down? That's when they are revealed - when they get down.

The premise is a bit hard to buy somehow. Might be just me.

Hello writer

As others have said - It's a laboured read, I get into it, then I'm pulled straight back out

"THEY SIT IN AIRPLANE OR MAYBE BUS SEATS" - Which one is it?

I'm liking the dialogue.

I like the idea of a continually moving camera moving backwards - But i'm trying to picture it - how far away from the characters are we now if I can see landscape? Will I be able to see what the characters are doing? or maybe I am misreading where the camera is supposed to be - I dunno - but now I am ignoring the camera directions and picturing it myself, it's easier.

Nooooo! They are actors on a set? I hate that, I was really liking the survivor of a plane crash angle, they have no hope but they have each other kind of thing - Now, those who crave realism would hate that, but I don't want realism (I get that in real life) I want a magical story right now... I feel so disappointed lol

I almost never point out grammar and spelling - but one thing I am seeing a lot (not just in screenplays, but everywhere) is people using 'loose' instead of 'lose'.

I like it but I really don't like the twist ending.

Good job on your entry

Matt

Hello writer!

First off, lose the address and phone number. The internet is full of weirdos and if you’ve attached an email address and someone likes the script, they’ll be in touch.

You know how to write, you’ve done it before, that’s clear. Get rid of the camera directions, you can add these within your descriptions without the need for clear and dictated directions, just word it more clevererer. The beginning is confusing and I take my hat off to you for that, as by the end it made sense and read clearly, very well done.

Romcom?? Not for me, plays like a drama with a post romantic angle and very little on the comedy front. Overall, really good writing on show, nice story but get rid of the directions and off the mark for the challenge required.

Cam

P.S. Who knew there was a Walla Walla in the States too? Learn something every day.

Luckily, I didn't take notes as I read, because if I had, this would be a very long review, and IMO, this doesn't deserve a long review.

I'm not going to point anything out specifically, I'm just going to comment.

All the "reveals" you write here, will not show up like you think in a filmed version.  Maybe very, very few , so what we have here is a case where you've fooled most of the readers, and even fooled them into believing this would transfer to film the way it's written.  Sadly, it would not...not even remotely close.

There seems to be some other flaws here that no one is getting...or else, I'm the one who's not getting it.  I'll be very interested to find out if I'm correct.

So, you have this written like it's all being shot in different ways, because...well, well because that's what's happening, right?  But is that really the case?  I don't think so.  My take is that this is during a break in shooting, the actors are actually a couple in real life, and it is actually their anniversary and Valentine's Day, but they're 3 days late in shooting, so instead of spending their anniversary in a beautiful tropical locale, they're stuck here.

If I am correct, then all the exact camera shots and angles don't make sense.  If I'm not correct, then I guess I'm lost.

This isn't for me just based on the chug it is to read, and then the fact that you're just trying to pull the wig over all our eyes, doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy.

**

Hello Writer,

An interesting take on this challenge.

All of the camera stuff made it hard for me to read the story.

But this I love:

THE DIRECTOR O.S. (receding) C’mon people, burning daylight and three days late! Let’s get this last shot and wrap it. Shit, Frank, turn down that wind! It’s not a fucking hurricane...  

Now THAT people is the way to use a swear.  ;D

Sandra

Okay, so...

I'm not a fan of all the CAPITALISATION... occasional use fine, but for me this is too much - even though you are using it to try and reveal things...

Of which, I'm with Jeff here, I don't think this can be filmed in the way you've written it with these gradual reveals, I just don't think that would practically work shot to shot.

The idea is interesting, trying to maintain the romance in a plane crash, I thought was darkly funny... but then the twist pulled the rug out entirely and I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Well certainly made me think.

I get what's been said about this, and it's mostly true, but I think you did a fair decent job considering what you were going for.

I knew what I was in for the moment I read that first bit of camera direction (but not the twist). No, it won't appear on screen exactly as you wrote it, but that doesn't really matter. The effect is what's important, and it works. Visually, there will be bigger clues about the plane crash earlier than you wrote, but that doesn't detract from the twist at all.

I like that this is two actors who are ad-libbing a little romantic moment between takes, using the set as the basis for some fun flirting. But, man, it's cloyingly sweet. I gagged. It wasn't pretty. A little more tongue-in-cheek humour and a little less sappiness would have gone a long way.

The director correcting the line she said hurt this, I think. It made me wonder if they were actually doing a scene from the script, but that doesn't jive with the rest. I'm assuming she was injecting a line from the script into their flirty playing, but it just confuses things.

Your use of CUT TO: and >>JARRING JUMP...<< is a smash cut. Save space, use that.

Definitely avoid similar names (Cal/Carl).

Despite the sickening sweetness, I liked it. Well done.

The way it was written with camera angles was a little jarring.  Also, even though the ending is not bad, it's different.  The film in itself seems a little too jolly for the circumstance that has recently occurred.  That film seems more dramedy.  Overall, the humour/comedy wasn't strong for me.  Thinking of the items we had to use.  It was a nice touch to use them as props.

The director should have a different name.

If we're going to be outside of the plane for any reason.  I guess to show the planes final resting spot.  I'd have written the scene heading.

Story-wise, not bad.

Hi Writer,

Well done. I liked this one. The camera movements were annoying, but they were also intriguing, and kept me glued to the page guessing what was happening. The dialog was a little too cheesy for my taste, but nothing that took me off the story. I would have liked a little more humor and the reveal took a little too long, but I really liked the twist so it was worth waiting.  

Cal/Carl got me confused for a moment. Change that.

Clever and well written.

Good job!

It was a slog to get through to get to the first twist, and then the twist after that. Wanted to like it, but by the time I got to the first twist, I was already annoyed with the characters.

Everyone has already beaten you up on the camera things, so I'll leave that.  Some grammatical stuff (the ever-challenging Loose versus Lose) and a slow-moving story just made it hard for me to enjoy the ending.  Still, mostly well-written.  So a bit of a hand-wringer for me.

Best,
Gary

Well, you do know how to write a screenplay. My only complaint is that the plot twist was underwhelming, to say the least. And the slow reveal about the wreckage died for me way earlier than the writer thought. I already knew what was going on a couple of pages before he made the final reveal. I really hoped for a better twist. It would have made a world of difference to me if the punchline was something more interesting than a movie set.

This was another "wanna-like-it" script for me, and many things I did like. Yet the more I read the more I questioned...is this a Rom Com?

I think not.

There was no "get her, lose her, get her again" structure. This for me was more of a well constructed teaser comedy.  And when we get the head snap that this is a film in a film, the reveal is clever fun.

But after that, like the plane it self, the story takes a bit of a nose dive instead of taking us higher.

Not a Rom Com, but an example of clever story telling.

A thumbs up effort.

I can live with a little direction here and there in a script if it's important. This is all a very sloooooow reveal though.

This was actually one of the strangest scripts in the contest I've read. Lots of issues, the biggest I see is no real conflict/story.

Jille and Cal in the wreckage played straight comes off as very weird but I kept reading to see where you were going with it. It makes no sense to ignore all their injuries and just make out constantly to the point I was wondering if this was turning into a twisted kinda porn. However, it's a gag that just goes on too long. If they aren't worried then why should we be. I was ready to bail as I was halfway through and the script was going nowhere when you reveal the Director/Carl (pick one. Also, Cal and Carl in same script? Thanks for making me even more confused) Ok, now the wreck makes a bit more sense but this adds nothing to the story either. The director trying to get his shot is actually the main character I'd say but it's too little too late to care.

Also, this wasn't very romantic despite trying so hard to make it so and not very funny, despite trying so hard to make it so.

An over use of capitalization. Some typos here and there. Reads more like a novel than script at times with the over handed action.

Maybe some might like this but it falls flat for me.