Hi. I created a logline for a romantic comedy and know it stills need more work.
I would appreciate your feedback about the idea to see if it make sense to continue working on it.

"After a perfectionist school psychologist loses her job, during the great recession, she joins a multilevel company where she meets a broke personal trainer. After a successful start, she will have to decide whether to keep escalating positions at the company or join the trainer in a fight due to a product that could be potentially deadly to customers."

Thank you very much for your comments.

Arturo

It's far too long and detailed as stands.

Try something like:

A school psychologist teams up with a broke personal trainer, but their relationship...

:) :) :)

A logline needs to be short, but it should also convey the primary conflict in the story.

So a starting point: An unemployed psychologist must choose between success at her new career or fighting for what she knows is right.

Best of luck!

And also this aspect is what should be incorporated somehow:

a product that could be potentially deadly to customers

:)

Arturo, the word 'deadly' and the content of your logline in general doesn't exactly bring to mind: Romantic Comedy.

Are you sure that's what this is?

Welcome to SS, btw.

Hi. Thank you for the replies!

If this does not sound as a romantic comedy, do you think the story would work in a different genre (detective, maybe?)

From the little bit that you've said this sounds more specific to genres of Crime, Thriller, Mystery, Drama.

Quoted from LC Arturo, the word 'deadly' and the content of your logline in general doesn't exactly bring to mind: Romantic Comedy. Are you sure that's what this is?

Have you seen the OWC entries? :)

Quoted from FrankM Have you seen the OWC entries? :)

;D Perhaps Arturo read them too and got confused.

Thanks, Libby for catching that!!!

I had completely forgot about the genre itself and was focussing on the words themselves.

Indeed, when we analyze this one it doesn't sound like a Rom Com.

This is ( my cat just threw up and I lost my train of thought!)

This is a similar problem I'm having with something I'm working on. It's not a logline problem, but it has to do with tone.

I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not a serious person and yet what I'm working on is "supposed" to be serious.

I have the feeling I'm not in my element there, but I'm crazy enough to try.

Anyways, back to the logline problem... Maybe just keep writing and just re-post this a little ways down the road. That way you don't feel stumped and get a negative vibe. Just keep writing. It will sort itself out.

:) :) :)

Sandra

Quoted from LC ;D Perhaps Arturo read them too and got confused.

That is such a cute comment!

Arturo, we will all try to work this confusion out.

There are some good comments in the threads by Pia and others
re the more strict definitions of a Rom Com, but yes, it sounds to
me that your script in progress has the vibe of something more like a crime drama.

Yeah, way too long.

25-35 words (a few extra won't hurt, but make them count).  Include the situation, the protagonist, their goal, and the complication that may prevent them from achieving it.  And do your best to convey the genre with tone.

Situation -  Starting a new job
Protagonist -- Lady psychologist
Goal - climb the corporate ladder
Complication - She falls for a co-worker who wants to stop the company from producing a bad product

Throw 'em all together, and be sure to convey that it's a romantic comedy without just saying "It's a romantic comedy."

First, though -- I'm curious, does her being a psychologist come into play at all?  Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?  You can add another level of complication to the logline if you paint her as career-driven.

After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?

Eh, 41 words.  Close enough.  Anyway, you get the idea.

Quoted from Lon First, though -- I'm curious, does her being a psychologist come into play at all?  Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?  You can add another level of complication to the logline if you paint her as career-driven. After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?

Good job, Lon!!! That's what I was thinking, but didn't pursue it: The question of "How important is this backstory biz... the school psychologist etc... Frank wrote in his version "unemployed" and I thought that was good. Yeah, I like the word you've got there: "choose".  :)

"After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?"

This is a good version of what I had in mind!

"Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?" You are right. Her last job is not as important as her trait: she is determined and perfectionist; she wants to prove her worthiness with her achievements.

It is great to get some feedback. I really appreciate everybody's comments!

@Sandra: " Maybe just keep writing and just re-post this a little ways down the road. That way you don't feel stumped and get a negative vibe"

I will be improving the logline with all the advice. No negative vibe at all :)  I am learning and humble enough to listen and learn.

Thanks!

This is a little too long, a little summary will do. This is getting to the line of a synopsis.