Not In My House! by Greg Lewis - Short, Drama - A teenage African American girl falls in love with her Japanese email friend, but her mother doesn't know that's she's a lesbian. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

@Greg. Welcome to the board.

Learning the craft of screenwriting, which seems easy but its actually really hard to do well.  It's better to be honest about this. The major problems are that it is not competently written, it's not entertaining, and it doesn't create any desire to see what happens next.  There may be something well-intentioned behind this but it's just not working.  You always want to introduce the protagonist, antagonist and supporting characters with CAPS for their name.  Make it original.

A man been watching the girls walks over to them.

Both girls swam together for one lap.

And she began to eat...  

You have a lot of this going on.  Write active.

You don't describe anything, not even your characters.  You have to realize that you are writing for a visual medium.  You use a short hand but at the same time you attempt to ensure what is written reads interesting in the first instance and communicates what you mean visually in the second.  

You would benefit greatly from reading as many screenplays as possible. You will most likely develop a natural understanding of the format and pacing from simply reading. You could also consult a few format books like Dave Trottier's.  Good job getting the idea down on paper, now you need to figure out how to make it look like a proper screenplay.

I truly believe...you'll someday look back on this script with fondness and chagrine � when you've got more scripts under your belt.  Good luck. -Andrea