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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Thriller Scripts  /  Jack Noir - Produced
Posted by: Don, February 27th, 2019, 5:21pm
Jack Noir (comic format) by John Staats - Short, Thriller, Comic Noir - A man reminisces the morning after. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Note: This is in comic format

++++++

CW: Nudity

It's Me  - Story by John Staats; Art by Gil Murillo (based on the short script Jack Noir (4 page thriller/comic noir incomic format) by John Staats.

A man reminisces the morning after.

(click the image to go to the full-sized version)








Discuss this script on the Discussion Board


About the writer: As a fly-fishing fanatic and skier living in the Arizona desert, John Staats has plenty of time for writing. After focusing on features and shorts for the screen, John has now ventured into writing for the illustrated page with hopes of eventually writing a full-feature graphic novel. His feature Impasse has also been published as an e-book on Amazon. John can be contacted at jestaats(a)hotmail.
Posted by: LC, February 27th, 2019, 6:30pm; Reply: 1
Really nicely done overall.

sorority girl
that is equally tipsy.


who is equally tipsy is usually preferred over 'that'. Not essential but I always think it reads better.

Tiffany is naked under the
covers with the sheet pulled up to her shoulders -- She has
one hand pointing and the other up to her mouth as she
laughs
.

Ah, so that's why Jack became The Ripper.   ;D

You evoke a really nice vibe and atmosphere with this.  

Is this one destined for Hyper Epics?

Ooh, nearly forgot, nice funny touch with: 'It's not you, it's me'.  Made me chuckle.
Posted by: JEStaats, February 28th, 2019, 9:24am; Reply: 2
I'm glad you liked it. I posted this for feedback because I was really on a fence about it after my editor (my wife) read it and was fairly nonplussed. She's usually spot on but I felt pretty good about this.

Jack Noir may be too OTN and was only intended as more of a place holder. I was thinking maybe '...it's me'.

I'll be sending this to Hyper Epics eventually but not sure if it'll be a good fit. Regardless, I think rewritten as a screenplay, it would be a very good candidate for a shoestring short noir.
Posted by: LC, February 28th, 2019, 5:29pm; Reply: 3
He's meant to be the grandson, right?

"I came from London with me Mum and Grampy Jack in
1888.

The Whitechapel Murders - numbered eleven from 1888 to 18911. By those calculations wife and son and have escaped murderous Daddy? I'm confusing myself now...

What's your 'editor's' gripe? I'm presuming the nasty element?
It is what it is..

It's too nasty for a straight short imho, and has to be a comic imh cause there's no arc or redeemable qualities to Jack.

Btw, out of interest when formatting a comic is it not necessary to Cap characters on intro?

You could call it Jack Junior but that might be a bit cheesy.
Posted by: stevemiles, March 9th, 2019, 7:01am; Reply: 4
Hey John,

I like what you’re going for with this.  Works well visually - I could ‘see’ each panel.  The ‘royal physician’ tipped me off as to where this was headed though it does rely on a degree of background knowledge to reach that payoff.  I’ve a feeling a younger generation might miss the nuance.  I prefer subtlety, so it works for me.

I’m guessing you’re looking at this as a HyperEpics piece which imposes limits.  It’s a pity as a touch more on the relationship between Jack and Grampy might make for a stronger connection.  

Is there room for a greater irony here?  You could give us a sense that a young Jack desperately wants to be like Grampy - to live up to his reputation (as a professional physician).  His murderous impulses play into his sense of failure never realising that he’s far closer to gramps than he could ever realise.

Interested to see the finished product.

Steve
Posted by: JEStaats, March 9th, 2019, 10:55am; Reply: 5
Hi Steve,

I've made a few changes since I first posted this, one of which was a comment after med school of wanting to be more like Grampy, so I think we're on the same page there. I fixed the date, some grammatical issues (1891, thanks LC), and went with the title 'It's me'. I realize many folks may not get the connection to Jack the Ripper and thought to put White Chapel as a mention but if readers didn't get it like it is, I doubt White Chapel would make a difference.

I've since sent this on to Hyper Epics and he found it too grim, which I understand and accept. I may send this off to an illustrator just to 'see' it.

Thanks for the read. Badman, posted under short dramas, should post on Hyper Epics in a week or so.
John
Posted by: _ghostwriters, March 12th, 2019, 12:28am; Reply: 6
@JEStaats

I noticed you've been dabbling with comic strips lately.  Yes, you can definitely write. Loved the style and voice and I was entertained, but sadly -- in a way of constructive feedback... I can't offer you much here... comic strips are so far out of my comfort zone.

Good luck with this...

Ghostie
Posted by: Fais85, March 22nd, 2019, 3:52am; Reply: 7
Hey John,

Liked this one. As a comic book fan, I can visualize all the panels. You did a great job writing this. I agree with Steve's suggestion of making it more ironic. Interested to read again if there is a re-write. :)
Posted by: Don, May 12th, 2019, 2:51pm; Reply: 8
This has been produced.  You can view it here.
Posted by: Dustin, May 12th, 2019, 3:18pm; Reply: 9
Congratulations on both counts. Nice work. I'll check out the film later.

Good luck.
Posted by: eldave1, May 12th, 2019, 4:55pm; Reply: 10
Sincere congratulations - nice work!
Posted by: JEStaats, May 13th, 2019, 11:59am; Reply: 11
Don - Thanks for posting the work on Simply Scripts.

Dustin and Dave - Thanks for the comments. I'm thrilled with Gil's artwork and his vision. Beautiful work.
Posted by: stevemiles, May 13th, 2019, 2:42pm; Reply: 12
Nicely done.  Is this Hyper Epics still or a different artist?
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, May 13th, 2019, 2:50pm; Reply: 13
Good work. I knew where it was going from the very beginning, but it didn't matter.

You've got a talent for these things.
Posted by: JEStaats, May 13th, 2019, 5:33pm; Reply: 14

Quoted from stevemiles
Nicely done.  Is this Hyper Epics still or a different artist?


I commissioned this work myself as Hyper Epics turned down the script as too grim and with adult content (which I respect their standards/ethics). This comic will not be posted on their site, only here.

Gil did the art for Badman and got Hyper Epics permission to have him do It's Me. Fantastic work.
Posted by: Warren, May 15th, 2019, 11:07pm; Reply: 15
Congrats John, you're smashing these out now!
Posted by: Philostrate, May 16th, 2019, 4:50pm; Reply: 16
Congrats, John. The story flows nicely and the artwork looks awesome.

Why the change of title? Just curious, Jack Noir was a good one IMO.
Posted by: Zack, May 16th, 2019, 5:01pm; Reply: 17
Bad-ass art and a pretty cool little story. Awesome stuff, Dude.
Posted by: JEStaats, May 17th, 2019, 4:25pm; Reply: 18
Glad you all liked it. Writing three acts in three pages is a blast, almost addicting.


Quoted from Philostrate
Congrats, John. The story flows nicely and the artwork looks awesome.

Why the change of title? Just curious, Jack Noir was a good one IMO.


I also liked Jack Noir but thought it was a little too OTN. I figured the reader would either clue in to Jack the Ripper or they wouldn't. I don't know. Another case of second guessing myself?

Posted by: Philostrate, May 17th, 2019, 5:04pm; Reply: 19
Hey John, makes sense. I like the original title, but It’s Me sounds good too. I don't think anyone's going to have problems to see the link between the two. You have that covered.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing the comic scripts. I am working with HE to adapt one of my shorts into comic, and they were very useful. It's awesome how you manage to tell these cool stories in so little space.
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