Hey, Matthew.
Quoted Text EXT. LONG STRAIGHT ROAD. DUSK |
Wrong format - should be a dash - not a period. i.e.,
EXT. LONG STRAIGHT ROAD - DUSK
Note: you have this problem in all of your headers.
Quoted Text CHRIS (a tall, young, plain looking man, 22) walks down a long road with his earphone's in.
|
- Avoid pedestrian verbs - "walks" - give us something more visual - e.g., lumbers, strolls, etc.
- Personally, not a fan of putting all of the character description in ( ).
- You also don't need many of the words here (young, man, a) is they are already implied and you don't need a long road since it's already in your header. I'd go with something like: CHRIS (22), tall, plain looking strolls down the cracked asphalt.
Quoted Text The sun slowly setting, its the middle of winter and CHRIS is well wrapped up. He reaches his destination... |
Put the well wrapped up description with Chris when we first see him.
Quoted Text CHRIS greets his friend LUKE (Tall, chubby, 22.) We can tell they've been friends for a long time.
|
- same character description ( ) issue as above
- CHRIS should not be capped - only when first intro'd.
- We can see they've been friends a long time" - a bit of an unfilmable - how? what are we seeing?
Quoted Text CHRIS Alright LUKE.
|
Luke should not be capped. You need a comma after alright.
Quoted Text LUKE (nodding) CHRIS.
|
Chris should not be capped.
Quoted Text LUKE (CONT'D) Right!, Lets get swigging...
|
should be no comma after Right!
CHRIS makes eye contact with a barmaid to get her
attention.
Chris should not be capped. Barmaid should be. The rule is cap your character's name - even unnamed ones like Barmaid, when they are first intro'd. After that - no caps.
Quoted Text We cut to glasses filling with lager...
|
Not a proper cut to and you don't need it anyway - just delete it.
Quoted Text MONTAGE:
CHRIS and LUKE drink one after another, they laugh and roughhouse...., LUKE tries to talk to various females and gets knocked back, they laugh a bit more.
A good amount of time has now passed and the pub has got a lot quieter. A lot of alcohol has now taken its toll on them and they are both rather drunk...
|
The format is all wrong for a montage. And - when you start a montage you must also formally end it. See guidance on how to do it here:
https://screenwriting.io/how-do-you-format-a-montage-in-a-screenplay/Okay - I'm going to stop with the format and grammar issues - but note you have a lot that need fixing just from the first page - so I suspect you will have them on all pages.
Going to continue reading just for the story now.
And - didn't quite get it. mate. It's not really connected. i.e., there's no thread between the first part of the story and the end. Looking at it another way - if you didn't have Luke or the girl at the bar involved or the bar at all - would it have any impact on the story?? Could have just opened with Chris walking down the road on page 5, Sorry - It just didn't land for me.