The door swings open, answered by Albert - though heís hidden
from view by the couch.
Quoted from Matthew Taylor
I have nothing constructive to add - Just leaving a message to say that I enjoyed it.
It was original and funny. Also well written, I didn't stumble in my read at all and got a clear image of what the characters are about - Seems like the kind of program I would put on after a hard day at work and want to be cheered up.
I mean, you gave real character to a goldfish - How did you do that?
Anyway - all the best with it
P.S I too loved the after credits scene
Quoted from eldave1
Expertly written. Loved how you handled the ending.
What I didn't care for were the real world interventions. As the story goes along, I'm immersed in how much of this Goldfish persona is in Stanley's head. The scene with the Girl Scout and the Cop took me out of that. As an example:
Would have much preferred Stanley opening the door and calling back into the room - Hey, you want any cookies - bubbles - we'll take two boxes...
Same issue with the Cop - now the Goldfish is seen acting like a human by someone other than Stanley - ends the sense of mystery for me.
Could be just me as others love it as is - so probably don't change it. Just thought I would share.
Quoted from PKCardinal
So, this is basically a condensed version of a pilot script. (I've got a matching pilot - in rewrite - as well as a 5 season show bible that lays out the basic storyline from adoption to a final, dramatic flushing of the toilet.)
I've been massaging this concept for several years and feel like I've finally got it close. The main question, to me, is "will it translate to the screen?" So, I see this as a proof of concept short for the larger project.
Quoted from Andrew
This is a smart concept and idea. The writing is sharp. The concept itself absolutely has legs as something someone would want to produce. The opening scene in the car was fantastic, but from there, it seemed to lose steam quickly.
Can see you have mapped out a series, and no doubt there's a lot within that in terms of story. But for this short, on its own merit, it falls flat for me. From when they get in the house, there are a series of repetitive actions that overstate the point this is a quirky scenario. I think you coud cut that down from the 6 or so pages it is now to 1 or 2, and not lose anything. Just don't see what it is adding to the story.
From seeing your replies, it would appear proof of concept is what you're looking for, which is fine, but as a filmmable short, this script doesn't really appear attractive in its current form, because nothing really happens.
My suggestion would be to slice it down to a 6/7 pager, and plot out a mini story that gives us something unique in terms of story that matches the undeniably strong concept. Right now, it feels like this short is squandering it.
Quoted from Warren
Is your profile picture Albert and Stanley? :P
Quoted from hawkeye
I do think if you get into a pilot with this, you'll definitely need to venture Stanley and Albert out into the world with interaction with other humans (and animals, perhaps?) to keep it fresh. I'll be interested to see how Albert interacts with others besides Stanley. That will be the real test, to me at least.