Encounter at Hopkinsville by Jerry Robbins - Horror, Sci Fi - When a UFO is spotted in the night sky over a remote farm outside of Hopkinsville Kentucky, a family soon find themselves under attack by small alien creatures. 105 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Good Morning Jerry - I have been hoping for a good Sci-fi feature to read, I hope this is it.

Quick note: I have small bursts of time to read things, so I only read so many pages in one go - If it is at least reasonably well written and the story interests me I'll come back and read more - If not I'll leave comments on what I've read so far and go. If you don't want any more comments from me because they suck, let me know and I'll stop :-).

Another note: I am an amateur, so who knows how useful or correct my comments will be.


Page 2 is a little congested - Slow read. Personally I think you are doing too much to set up this scene, decrepit house, then the sagging barn, then the Ivy covered well, then the distant tree line, then the tall grass everywhere - We already get an image of being out in the sticks from page 1 - Just tell us about the decrepit house, it's enough to set us up.

Personally, I would lose the two ages of Sam - trust the reader has common sense - when we are in present day, we know we see 77 YO Sam, when we are back in the '50s, we know we see 13 YO Sam - also, you tell us on Pg 2 about Sam (13) but he doesn't actually show up until pg 22 (I searched for him) - It was confusing, at first I thought he was there with his kid also called Sam - Anyway, clarity is king so I think this part needs work.

Your character descriptions are a bit on the telling side of traits we can't see (Decisive, strong, positive, no-nonsense, in a rut, loving, no humor) - We need to discover these traits through their actions, decisions and what and how they communicate - we can't just be told, (FYI this person is caring, OK?) - make it visual.

Good use of the mini slugs so far - For pages 111/12 the AT THE WOODLINE slugs had me a little confused, I thought I was looking AT the woodline, but I'm looking FROM the woodline - is this supposed to be a POV of whatever it is in the woodline? If so, I would personally format it as a POV.

Gotta stop on page 12 as apparently my boss actually wants me to work while I'm in the office - Very unreasonable.

My interest is still held, so I'll read more later.

Regards

Matt

... and I'm back...

There are lots of bitty things in the writing that, individually, aren't a big deal, but all together can make this seem 'messy'. Tidying up the writing to make it sharp can really improve the whole overall experience of reading it - Things like "The Living Room" in a slug line, you can lose the "The" - sentence structure "guy is doing this and then does this as this happens" lots of conjunctions when there doesn't have to be - sharp writing = easy breezy read
An addition to the above - I've noticed a few instances of you telling us in the description that a character responds, and then they talk - making the description superfluous - "Bobby responds quietly" - Don't think it's really needed - if you want to show the way the line is spoken, this is where parentheticals come into it (Although you may get others who say not to use them - it's a hot topic) so...

Bobby
(Whispering)
I think we are being watched.

Also a lot of dictating the characters facial expressions, small movements - "Looks quizzical, nods, smiles" - I'm guilty of it myself but I really notice it when reading other scripts, it adds to the word count and slows me down - I'm not saying never use them, but be a bit sparing, only when necessary - ask yourself, "do I really need to show this here?" trust that readers/producers/actors are intelligent enough to know that when a character receives good news, they are probably going to smile - It's a normal reaction - if however, the reaction isn't expected - "I'm sorry, your husband is dead" A smile creeps across Mary's face  - then deffo use them, as it goes against what we would normally beleive would be the response. Or if the small actions/expressions...whatever... are important characterization then go for it. Quite a few of yours I beleive can be omitted

I like that you use action to create natural beats without actually using the word "beat"

Quoted Text EXT. THE WOODS - NIGHT Hank continues with cautious steps. His eyes scan the area. He stops. Waits. Listens. After a moment, satisfied there is nothing, he turns for home.

... For example. Those small beats are hit, builds up the tension, "what's there, what's gonna happen?" but you then immediately lose that tension with the last line - it flops. Can't he hear a twig snap? raise his shotgun up - shit! what was that! - BAM a deer flee's from the tree line (or whatever wild animals live there) - chuckle of relief, he heads home - this ties in to the TWO twig snaps from earlier, you have pre-conditioned us to them already, might as well use them.

Quoted Text If looks could kill, Bobby just murdered Travis.

I bloody loved that line lol - shame audience members wouldn't read it - but as a reader, I appreciated it.

Stopping at pg 21... I'll be back

Thanks, Matthew. Your comments are appreciated! Just to clarify; while the descriptive's  may seem too detailed, I tried to keep them brief and succinct; a producer actually commented that they created a visual where he could "see" the movie. I once wrote very cut and dry, brief descriptions; my coverage feedback said it was too mechanical with no emotion... so I'm trying to find the middle ground.

The age in the character names (Sam 77) - that was an addition I made after it was suggested by my script coverage (I have been using them for a number of scripts and they're the best I've had so far).. I wasn't sure I liked it; your comment may make me put it back to how it was originally.

I don't want to use POV or any other kind of camera direction, but I can see your confusion on the Woodline mini-slug. I'll alter that.

I disagree on your comment on the beats hitting and then a let-down on the last line. That was intentional - a build-up followed by nothing can raise the tension as well, especially as it's a repeated occurrence.  

Your comment about a description of how a character speaks (Bobby responds quietly), then the line... if the line isnt spoken quietly, it doesn't fit the scene; it's more for the spec and something I would remove in a shooting script.  Still, the fact you had an issue with it is a point well taken and I'll give it another look.

thanks again, I appreciate your comments.

No worries - like I say, I'm just an amateur, if you've had advice that contradicts mine, then I'm most likely the one in the wrong.

The point about the beats I was trying to make was, they are hit so well in the build up, "beat, beat, beat ... After a moment" how longs a moment? It felt too, vague literally like it didn't hit that beat (whether the beat was to heighten or lower tension, it felt missed) - see my point? I'm terrible at explaining myself. Anyway, enjoyable so far

Matt

Additional thought about the descriptions. In the example I gave, the individual descriptions of the separate areas of the scene were not over done... I think the issue I had was you described them all 1 after the other. Could it be split out? Describe house - action/dialogue happens naturally bringing our attention to the barn - describe barn - action dialogue... I dunno, just spit balling