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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  My Work In Progress  /  Toxic Disinhibition - Short, Drama - WIP
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, March 28th, 2019, 7:33am
Hello SS community

I must once again call on you for help. Sorry about that.

A quick word on the limitations for this one. I am submitting to the Royal Birmingham Conservatoire to be professional filmed using student actors (if mine is selected, of course) - So page limit 6/7, characters to be of student age (late teens), single location low budget.

Now... This one scares me. I had advice on here from Max - "Don't be afraid to be bold"
But truth is, I am afraid. Because for this one I have tried to give it meaning, an impactful message. Most of my work is for fun, no real social or political message, so not much can go wrong other than it being a crap story - Which I can live with.

But in trying to tackle an important issue, I feel like if I get this one wrong, it will be highlighted 10 fold.

I have no idea if I have got the message across, if I've gone too far, not far enough... I'm over thinking.

OK - Any help on this will be greatly appreciated - I will, of course, return any reads if they are required :-)

Logline: When an introverted teenager exposes herself to the wrong person, she struggles to deal with the unexpected attention.

7 pages - Drama

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NjA_DcwdozoB4AkLkXv2bux5wb5iohHM/view?usp=sharing
Posted by: Andrew, March 30th, 2019, 11:13am; Reply: 1
This is always going to be a tough topic to touch on. You've handled it with care, and delicately. No concerns whatsoever about fearing you don't treat it sensitively. I could feel the care in that department throughout.

Rogue reference, but with that description of Teddy, and his behaviour generally, he reminded me of Grindah from People Do Nothing. I think it was the tracksuit!

Wasn't 100%, but were the 3 characters that came in part of her imagination? If not, it may be something to explore; the internal demon is usually manifest from extrenal pressures, and can be empowered when someone is wronged. If the characters are  part of her imagination, I think it needs to be a little clearer.

My only real issue at the moment is some of the dialogue feels a little overly dramatic; these characters are so awful, so lacking any redeeming qualities, it start to stretch at the reality and believability. I would buy it more if they were acting that awful out of a sense of weakness; i.e., they become the bully to avoid being the bullied. That way we explore vulbnerability a little more; where it comes from, why is it considered a weakness socially, etc. That said, it's hard to achieve that sort of nuance with three additional characters in such a short page count. It is for this reason I always favour small character counts in a short.  In this case, but focusing on one - maybe two for contrast  - we can get to the nuance more effectively.

Overall, I liked it. I think your basic structure is in place, but that the script would benefit from more focus, and even a reduced character count (or moving the characters into her imagination); also, on that point, Teddy has been able to keep up the masquerade for a couple of months being a nice guy, but then he moves (IMO) too quickly to be outright awful. I think the gradient on his arc needs to be more gentle.

Good luck with it, and if you do another draft, let me know, and I'd be happy to give it another look. Hope it gets filmed.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, March 30th, 2019, 3:01pm; Reply: 2
Thank you very much for your read and review Andrew - Much appreciated.

The biggest issue I have as a writer is that I'm not very good at giving the reader a clear picture of what it is I am trying to tell. One of the reasons this place is so valuable.

This is basically a story about online bullying.

Sylvia meets and talks to people online - including Teddy. He convinces her to send a picture of herself topless and shares it online - the other characters are random people online who have seen the picture and have sent Sylvia abusive messages. That's the basis of it.

So I tried to be a bit artistic with it by putting the characters into her bedroom (even though they are not physically there, they are online) - because being opened up like that online is like having your private life invaded, your "safe space" (her bedroom) is no longer safe - symbolic I guess - maybe I tried too hard lol - I also had to speed it up a bit for a short, she would have been getting this abuse over days/weeks but I had to condense it - maybe that detriments it as well.

I am glad you thought the dialogue was over the top - that was by design. Toxic disinhibition is an actual term for how some people online say things that they wouldn't dream of saying in "real life" - So it was kind of to show this online abuse actually spoken to someone in person, which really highlights how nasty and over the top it is.

You are correct on the number of characters - Because It is for student actors, I didn't know how many of them there were lol so I just kind of thumbed them in. But it also had the purpose (Which i hope worked) of their voices overpowering Sylvia - lots of people online giving her abuse, making her feel worthless. But this could easily have the character count trimmed.

Guess I really need to work on making things clear - I struggle with finding the balance between being subtle and in your face.

Really appreciate your comments, Andrew. The deadline for submission was today so I sent it earlier - but I will tackle a re-write for general consideration :-)

Matt
Posted by: eldave1, March 30th, 2019, 7:02pm; Reply: 3

Quoted Text
Fairy lights circle the perimeter of the ceiling,


I didn’t know what fairy lights were. Had to Google it. Maybe it’s just me.


Quoted Text
SYLVIA (19) Glasses, dainty clothes, enters.


What are dainty clothes?

The dialogue in the opening scene struck me as two people that don’t know each other. Was surprised to see (later) that they’ve been dating two months.

For example – this:


Quoted Text
SYLVIA (CONT’D)
No, sorry, I meant-- handsome and
rugged of course. Sorry, just
nervous. I don't talk to boys very
often.


But they’ve been dating for two months – falling in love. It’s the type of line more appropriate for a first date. And then this:


Quoted Text
SYLVIA
Just... hanging out in my room, as
usual. Don't get out much, you
know?


Wouldn’t Teddy already know that??  I know that you are trying to establish Sylvia’s innocence. But for me, rather than coming off as innocence, it comes off as though they’re strangers – maybe first date.  

Teddy snaps a picture of Sylvia as she holds up her top. Then a nano-second later two strangers are in her room and they already got the pic on their phones – no where near enough time has passed for that and then this line:


Quoted Text
SYLVIA
did you tell them? Why would you do
that? I trusted you.

She knows he didn’t “tell them” – they were in the room together. How could he?

Okay - now I see from another comment and your response that these characters are not really there - so guess my comments are moot. That being said, it was never clear to me that these were just in her imagination.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, March 30th, 2019, 7:32pm; Reply: 4
Hi Dave. Thank you very much for the read.

I can see how it can be confusing for most of it - until the characters disappear at the end - which gets me thinking, when scripts are intentionally confusing through most, but become clear later on - how do I keep the readers interest until the reveal? If it's too nonsensical then readers might bail out - do I need to drop bigger hints that things aren't to be taken at face value? - this writing malarky is hard lol

Your comment also highlights that I kind of brush over the reveal that these characters aren't really there - it's an important plot point and I don't highlight it - I really need to go back and hit that beat.

Thank you very much Dave

Posted by: Andrew, March 30th, 2019, 7:33pm; Reply: 5

Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Thank you very much for your read and review Andrew - Much appreciated.

The biggest issue I have as a writer is that I'm not very good at giving the reader a clear picture of what it is I am trying to tell. One of the reasons this place is so valuable.

This is basically a story about online bullying.

Sylvia meets and talks to people online - including Teddy. He convinces her to send a picture of herself topless and shares it online - the other characters are random people online who have seen the picture and have sent Sylvia abusive messages. That's the basis of it.

So I tried to be a bit artistic with it by putting the characters into her bedroom (even though they are not physically there, they are online) - because being opened up like that online is like having your private life invaded, your "safe space" (her bedroom) is no longer safe - symbolic I guess - maybe I tried too hard lol - I also had to speed it up a bit for a short, she would have been getting this abuse over days/weeks but I had to condense it - maybe that detriments it as well.

I am glad you thought the dialogue was over the top - that was by design. Toxic disinhibition is an actual term for how some people online say things that they wouldn't dream of saying in "real life" - So it was kind of to show this online abuse actually spoken to someone in person, which really highlights how nasty and over the top it is.

You are correct on the number of characters - Because It is for student actors, I didn't know how many of them there were lol so I just kind of thumbed them in. But it also had the purpose (Which i hope worked) of their voices overpowering Sylvia - lots of people online giving her abuse, making her feel worthless. But this could easily have the character count trimmed.

Guess I really need to work on making things clear - I struggle with finding the balance between being subtle and in your face.

Really appreciate your comments, Andrew. The deadline for submission was today so I sent it earlier - but I will tackle a re-write for general consideration :-)

Matt


You're very welcome; hope it was helpful.

I think some of your work I've read is quite abstract, but that can easily be turned into a strength, and not the weakness you perceive. You're clearly working hard at the craft, are open to ideas and learning, which in itself puts you miles ahead of many others (myself included).

With this one, once you've explained what you're going for, and contextualised the choices made (including the dialogue I mentioned), it adds depth and colour to the script.

If clarity is an issue, and I'm purely guessing here, but I wonder if you're looking to write in a way that holds mystery, and something of a 'twist', or something of this nature. I'm probably wrong, but that's how it feels it a little.

I guess, at heart, we shouldn't forget that screenplays are templates for a visual medium, and it is our job to craft a story that can exist on a screen, and not just in our mind. The real talent then resides in the ability to straddle that line and achieve nuance rather than hitting a viewer / reader over the head.

In this example, you have a couple of stylistic or visual choices you can utilise to make the online v internal explortaion dichotomoy clearer; by having her in a chat room, with the names of the participant matching the characters in the room, it is possible to demonstrate this is not reality per se; it's an online interaction. Of course, there are a number of ways to achieve the same end, but that one is a simple enough option in a limited page count.

You can then utilise that once to make the point, or make the stylistic choice to have the words on the screen clearly matching the action throughout; a talented director can create an hypnotic effect there, which would make for an interesting visual.

RE: the dialogue; now I know it's online dialogue, where the barriers of normal societal interactions are removed, it makes sense for the dialogue to be so rough. This will then also address broader discussions about the impact of the internet on society, which adds real oomph.

Many others may actually read it as intended, to be fair. But when the concept is clear, sans confusion, you will layer your work as it deserves to be.
Posted by: eldave1, March 30th, 2019, 7:56pm; Reply: 6

Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hi Dave. Thank you very much for the read.

I can see how it can be confusing for most of it - until the characters disappear at the end - which gets me thinking, when scripts are intentionally confusing through most, but become clear later on - how do I keep the readers interest until the reveal? If it's too nonsensical then readers might bail out - do I need to drop bigger hints that things aren't to be taken at face value? - this writing malarky is hard lol

Your comment also highlights that I kind of brush over the reveal that these characters aren't really there - it's an important plot point and I don't highlight it - I really need to go back and hit that beat.

Thank you very much Dave



You're welcome, Matthew.

I do like the premise - i.e., apparitions surrounding her - the final brutality in their words as she contemplates ending it all. But that is tricky, especially since you are mixing two separate events that take place at different times:

- Teddy taking the picture and posting it on-line.
- Helen, Liam and Jade  taunting the results.

That makes it even more difficult to make it clear.

Maybe not the right way, but if it were me I might do this.

Have an unsteady Sylvia looking at a Facebook Page of Teddy - maybe there is an image of him with another girl.

Sylvia closes her eyes...

BEGIN FLASHBACK SCENE

As you have it - Teddy taking the picture of her.

BACK TO PRESENT

At her desk, scrolling through the comments on her page

The images of Liam, Helen, Jade (and I would add Teddy here as well - give him a line e.g., how could you believed I loved someone like you!)

Then she's back on the computer - the taunting chants as you have them

Then, att the end - maybe this:

She plunges the scissors into her skin.

The images of Teddy, Liam, Jade and Helen fade/evaporate into thin air.

Silence.

Just spit balling. It's a difficult task you've given yourself.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, March 31st, 2019, 3:45am; Reply: 7
Thank you both so much for the help.

Andrew - Yes you are right, seems I'm trying too hard for that twist ending. So much so that the rest of the story suffers for it.

Great advice from both of you - this place saves me a fortune on script review services lol

Think I need to make it clear in the beginning that these characters are not there - As you say Andrew, have Sylvia in the online world - chat room/social media - then as she begins to talk to them on there, they 'pop' into the physical world (I think me having them physically come through the door, like they were really there was a mistake)
And again - as Dave suggests - have them dramatically fade/evaporate at the end - which could also act as a symbolic message that these online bullies think that being online gives them immunity (they can just Bully and disappear without consequence)

The time thing - It doesn't work the way it is - definitely needs splitting as you say, Dave. Although instead of a flashback, would a jump forward work? The first half, she goes online, speaks to Teddy and Teddy alone - she's excited/happy. Then she sends him a nude photo
2 WEEKS LATER
She now doesn't want to go online, she upset and dreads it but she can't help herself - this time she is talking to Teddy AND the rest of them, the online bullies.

The only thing I would worry about with a "2 weeks later" is killing momentum - but I won't know until I write it in I guess.

Thank you so much. If you guys need anything from me, now or in the future, just give me a shout - I'm not great at reviewing and what I say I suspect is mostly nonsense, but, I'll give it a go lol

Al the best

Matt
Posted by: LC, March 31st, 2019, 9:19am; Reply: 8
I've got some comments for you, Matt, if you'd still like them?

Just getting a bit late here now so will post tomorrow. :)
Posted by: eldave1, March 31st, 2019, 10:26am; Reply: 9

Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Thank you both so much for the help.

Andrew - Yes you are right, seems I'm trying too hard for that twist ending. So much so that the rest of the story suffers for it.

Great advice from both of you - this place saves me a fortune on script review services lol

Think I need to make it clear in the beginning that these characters are not there - As you say Andrew, have Sylvia in the online world - chat room/social media - then as she begins to talk to them on there, they 'pop' into the physical world (I think me having them physically come through the door, like they were really there was a mistake)
And again - as Dave suggests - have them dramatically fade/evaporate at the end - which could also act as a symbolic message that these online bullies think that being online gives them immunity (they can just Bully and disappear without consequence)

The time thing - It doesn't work the way it is - definitely needs splitting as you say, Dave. Although instead of a flashback, would a jump forward work? The first half, she goes online, speaks to Teddy and Teddy alone - she's excited/happy. Then she sends him a nude photo
2 WEEKS LATER
She now doesn't want to go online, she upset and dreads it but she can't help herself - this time she is talking to Teddy AND the rest of them, the online bullies.

The only thing I would worry about with a "2 weeks later" is killing momentum - but I won't know until I write it in I guess.

Thank you so much. If you guys need anything from me, now or in the future, just give me a shout - I'm not great at reviewing and what I say I suspect is mostly nonsense, but, I'll give it a go lol

Al the best

Matt


Matt - think a either flashback or a flash forward would work just fine
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, March 31st, 2019, 11:26am; Reply: 10

Quoted from LC
I've got some comments for you, Matt, if you'd still like them?

Just getting a bit late here now so will post tomorrow. :)


Yes of course! I'd never turn down free advice - especially yours.

Matt
Posted by: Warren, March 31st, 2019, 6:41pm; Reply: 11
Hi Matt,

Gave this a read, I think most of the issues have been covered. I totally got what you were going for. The only thing that took me out of the read was how quick the friends arrived after the photo was taken. I know they weren’t actually there but it was a point of confusion. I think it would flow better is you showed some lapse in time so we are still along for the ride right up to the point that we see they bullies aren’t in the room.

Missed a fair few capital letters, but they would be easy to spot on another run through.

I also think you should end with the mother screaming and cut the last bit of dialogue. Why, I’m not sure but I think that’s where the story ends. When the mother talks it feels like I’m pulled back into an already finished story.

I thought you handled the topic quite well.

Good luck with it, let us know how you go.
Posted by: LC, April 1st, 2019, 8:55pm; Reply: 12
Matt,

I'll start with Sylvia’s age. If it were me I'd think of making her quite a bit younger. Nineteen? She’s nearly out of her teens and in her twenties. There’s a big difference in age and maturity between the ages of say, fifteen and nineteen.

Instead of ‘dainty clothes', how about conservative dress, wholesome, or innocent look ? - think of the visual you want to convey to us. No makeup, buttoned up look. Perhaps she still has stuffed animals on her bed?

Choosing random people (I thought they were her friends at first) is not going to have as much effect as if some of her detractors were also her friends. Think of it – you can ignore some strangers, just shut them out, especially if they’re not even ‘Friends’ on Facebook, but if everyone’s against you, and they're close to you i.e., friends/family/colleagues and they're ashamed of you, your whole world can crumble. Then bring in strangers to add comments, and you've a double whammy. Perhaps one of the girls pretends to be her friend first and on her side, then joins the bullying gang and betrays her.

Think also of your plot. An alternative f you keep the 'random' bullies is to layer your actual story. If one them, for example, claims to be Teddy’s girlfriend that could add conflict, betrayal, confusion for Sylvia  straight away. Teddy could have been stringing both of them along at the same time, adding to his collection of photos.

What you have at the moment is a very linear story. It’s cause and effect, plain and simple.

By your own admission everything happens too quickly, instead of evolving over time – the gradual wearing down of the person. I read your notes on wanting this to look as if it has happened over a longer period of time.
Instead of a Flashforward there are many ways to show the passage of time. Use time devices, a desk or wall calendar – (something reflective of her personality Unicorns, Hello Kitty calendar etc. ) – a  computer tablet showing the date as she swipes the screen, the seasons passing can be shown outside her bedroom window and through her different Summer/Winter clothing. Simple objects signpost seasons/time passing i.e., Christmas decorations etc.

You could also fast track and flesh out the narrative by adding Sylvia’s own thoughts in V.O. How it all started... Give us a window into her inner thoughts and pain, starting with her first saying: I'm in love for the very first time... 'with the most wonderful guy’.

On first read I really believed the characters were all in the bedroom with Sylvia, then read your response to others.
The reason I thought this is because you were quite specific in your descriptions. Your setting wasn’t described in an ethereal or virtual-world way.

Example: You cap an audible cue with KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. You even choreographed where the characters sat in proximity to Sylvia,  and when they moved around, sat down etc.

Btw, WHACK is a verb I'd use as in swat, bat, hit, slug – not really to denote the door flying open. The fact you’re so specific with all this action contributed to the realism of them all being there in the room with her. They 'barge in', Jade paces etc.

Be aware btw (I notice it in your OWC script too) you have a habit of commencing a description line with a capped sound, lest that becomes your trademark giveaway. Even if you use them mid-sentence that'd vary their use.

If I were you I’d get way more inventive. Use the tech and computer technology with your visuals. Make us feel the artificial world.

If Teddy appears – have him actually appear, say, more like a hologram or apparition as Dave said. They talk for a while, profess their love for each other, then perhaps she reaches to touch his hand or face but her hand slices right through him – cause he's not really there. And speaking of Teddy, the more duplicitous a character the more sincere and genuine and even gentle he should first appear imh. Build, your characters.

Use the tech. Use the computer, although now I think of it most Millennials use their phones for all these interactions. Perhaps we see on screen: Do you wish to enter PRIVATE CHAT. Describe a stream of Twitter comments one after the other rolling down the screen, interspersed with Facebook or WhatsApp – there we see on screen the barrage of bile building and streaming down the page. This will vary the pace and rhythm of the piece as well.

It’s rather abrupt the way Sylvia crumbles instantly. Part of bullying is the systematic chipping away at someone’s confidence bit by bit. I know you commented on this yourself btw.

Also, sad as it is, I think the exchange of images (naked bits) is pretty common-place between teens these days via mobile phone so I don’t think (even for her) it’s likely to be a punishable offence or sufficient for her reaction. I think a single-pronged attack would be sadly pretty benign these days. Even if we interpret her personality and her reaction as utter devastation there needs to be way more at stake here imho than the notion these topless photos will ruin her and cause her family to disown her.

Here’s a Black Mirror example (below) with more far reaching consequences. What first appears to be an innocent young man watching porn in his bedroom (becomes someone hacking his computer and covertly filming him then threatening to upload the film to friends, family, and workplace) - turns out however to be something way more sinister and the character is not at all what he first appears to be.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5709230/
Shut up

And then there’s:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4135218/
Cyberbully – Maisie Williams

&
'Cam' Netflix
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8361028/
...
Re title: I know it’s a proper term but I find a bit of a mouthful.
How about:
The Disinhibition Effect
Or
Asynchronicity? (computing, communication. Having many actions occurring at a time, in any order, without waiting for each other.
Might not be right, just suggestions.

I think you did really well with the actual bullying – especially the conversation re her physical appearance, the taunting, telling her she's ugly, the 'bee-sting' breasts etc.

I think you do really well with the bombardment of voices too:
All the shouting merges into one, indiscernible voice. Not sure you need the comma after 'one'.

Re your denouement – I really felt it too abrupt, too soon, because of the pacing and the time frame needing adjusting. You’re aware of that already I know. And you know it's not a 'twist' right?

If she was undercover (might explain her age), that'd be a twist.
If she systematically turned the tables on them, that'd be a twist.
If she was dead already, that’d be a twist.
An ending we don’t expect and haven’t seen before - given the logical build-up is a twist.
Shock value v twist, be aware of the difference.

Not all shorts need a twist/reveal/surprise. Sometimes a misdirect or sting in the tail is enough to be memorable.

Sad to say bullying and suicide is all too common. You only need Google the results.

Sean's (Mr Blonde) RomCom covered similar territory as yours does, although with  domestic violence as its background and an unbalanced romantic interest :
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Jan19OWC/m-1549079102/s-new/

I'd like to see a different ending especially if you go with the bullies urging her to take her own life. That’s a crime now:
https://edition.cnn.com/2018/01/23/us/florida-cyberstalking-charges-girl-suicide/index.html

Hey, these are just my thoughts, take what you see as value, discard what you don’t.

I realise including a lot of my suggestions would result in a longer story and that you've written was for a specific Comp. Your story as is makes a strong statement, has a shock ending, and may be exactly what they're looking for so the very best of luck with it.

And, I look forward to reading another draft.

A few minor typos:

Happily, she beckons (lower case 'h') in your script.

p.4 did you tell them
Should be upper case (d/D) Did you...'

p.5 should be a full-stop after No.

p.6 should be : ' Tentatively presses'

p. 6   your family are ashamed...'
‘Your’ needs to be capped.

p.6  tears swell should be: well

:)

Posted by: Matthew Taylor, April 2nd, 2019, 5:22am; Reply: 13
Holy smokes LC - Absolute gold mine of advice.

I would like to say thank you but it's not sufficient to convey how grateful I am to you for taking the time to read and offer advice.

Same goes for Dave and Andrew - I am so grateful for your help and I have no idea how to repay you - even if I returned the reads, my comments wouldn't be nearly as comprehensive or helpful.

I'll be back to edit this comment and go through the advice as I'm off to go see my baby on the ultrasound :-)
Posted by: LC, April 2nd, 2019, 6:17am; Reply: 14

Quoted from Matthew Taylor
... I'm off to go see my baby on the ultrasound :-)

Ooh, very exciting. A hearty congrats to you!  :D

Posted by: Matthew Taylor, April 2nd, 2019, 9:16am; Reply: 15

Quoted from LC

Ooh, very exciting. A hearty congrats to you!  :D



Thanking you  :)

Age - I completely agree with you, I didn't want to make Sylvia that old. But the limitations were actors of late teen/early 20's - I tried to make her seem younger with the unicorns and fairy lights - but now I am free from the limitations I will make her younger.

Friends - Very good suggestion. I still want her to be a loner, no "real" world friends - but they could be online friends who have betrayed her - then on top of that (as you say) strangers jump onto the insulting bandwagon and really grind down her mental health.

Time - Some great suggestions, thank you. Looks like I really need to put my creative hat on for this one - Somehow link the passage of time with the technology/social media aspect.

Realism - My initial goal was for the reader to think the characters were really there in the beginning - only finding out later that this interaction/conversation/bullying was all online. That was the 'twist' I was referring to - But this approach simply didn't work. So now I will go with making it obvious they aren't really there and their presence is more symbolic - online actions have real-world consequences.

The above will link into your inventive advice - blur the lines between the real world and online. This is going to use all of my creative power lol

The decline of Sylvia - I had a think about this one. And I thought I would have her start off already on rocky ground (self-harm scars for example), which would make her final act feel a little less rushed - I hope.

In preparation for this, I read a lot of news articles and stories about real-life teens taking their own lives due to online bullying and blackmail. It was thoroughly depressing, especially being a father. But yes, the bullying in those stories was systematic, relentless, and occurred over time - something I really need to let come through in this story. - I tried to hint at her feeling of isolation by calling for her mom, but the bullies voices are too strong and overpowering that she can't reach out - so I need to expand on that I think.

Teddy - Again, now that I have freedom of character age - I think I may turn him into an old man pretending to be a young teen. Starts off as young love - ends with it being an old man who has used her for sexual gratification.

Thanks for the links, will check them out - and for the title suggestion - The Disinhibition Effect sounds really good. My original one seems a bit clinical.

I can make this longer now - which I think it needs - And I have a LOT to work with here in the rewrite. But hey, screenwriting is all about the rewrite  :)

Thank you so much LC - I really appreciate it - If you need anything from me, just let me know. Even if it's just a cuppa :-)

Regards

Matt

EDIT: another thought just popped into my head from your technology point - The abuse she receives should intensify as the story goes on (and as the picture circulates online) leading to the climax of more messages than she can read - these will then PING all around her - notifications on her phone, laptop, tablet - completely bombarding and overwhelming. You're a genius.
Posted by: JackH, April 18th, 2019, 8:55am; Reply: 16
Hey man. I really liked that sneaky little twist you put in at the end there. Nice job.

I'm from Birmingham by the way, although I'm not a student (just uneducated scum). I'd say that  your theme is definitely in keeping with the student (millennial) milieu.

One thing that I was thinking through the first half was, this Liam kid is really going about getting in to a girls pants the wrong way. I mean, public humiliation isn't usually a turn on, you know. This sort of made it seem 'unrealistic' to me, but of course I was too stupid to make the connection that it was all occurring on social media.

In this piece you certainly demonstrate a very direct style of conveying theme/message. Personally, I think you could use something more 'metaphorical' which might open up more avenues for creativity.

That's not to say that it's not already creative. Perhaps the bluntness of the story as it is serves the message as well as anything. It did render an emotional response from me, especially given that I'm someone who has partly grown up in the social media age.

Now I'm just rambling...

Awesome stuff.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, April 25th, 2019, 10:02am; Reply: 17
Hey Jack - sorry, I missed this

Hello fellow Brummie lol I no longer live there but born and raised.

Thanks for giving it a read - I'm glad you liked it and the message came across. It needs a little tweaking to make it a bit more clear and visual, but it's not a bad start I don't think.

I haven't heard back from the Uni so I guess it wasn't for them.

I've marked your WIP for a longer read - have been busy with the one week challenge but now I am done reading I'll find time.

Thanks

Matt
Posted by: JackH, April 29th, 2019, 3:26pm; Reply: 18
Awesome man. Would be cool to hear some thoughts on my script.

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