Quoted Text Fairy lights circle the perimeter of the ceiling, |
Quoted Text SYLVIA (19) Glasses, dainty clothes, enters. |
Quoted Text SYLVIA (CONT’D) No, sorry, I meant-- handsome and rugged of course. Sorry, just nervous. I don't talk to boys very often. |
Quoted Text SYLVIA Just... hanging out in my room, as usual. Don't get out much, you know? |
Quoted Text SYLVIA did you tell them? Why would you do that? I trusted you. |
Quoted from Matthew Taylor Thank you very much for your read and review Andrew - Much appreciated. The biggest issue I have as a writer is that I'm not very good at giving the reader a clear picture of what it is I am trying to tell. One of the reasons this place is so valuable. This is basically a story about online bullying. Sylvia meets and talks to people online - including Teddy. He convinces her to send a picture of herself topless and shares it online - the other characters are random people online who have seen the picture and have sent Sylvia abusive messages. That's the basis of it. So I tried to be a bit artistic with it by putting the characters into her bedroom (even though they are not physically there, they are online) - because being opened up like that online is like having your private life invaded, your "safe space" (her bedroom) is no longer safe - symbolic I guess - maybe I tried too hard lol - I also had to speed it up a bit for a short, she would have been getting this abuse over days/weeks but I had to condense it - maybe that detriments it as well. I am glad you thought the dialogue was over the top - that was by design. Toxic disinhibition is an actual term for how some people online say things that they wouldn't dream of saying in "real life" - So it was kind of to show this online abuse actually spoken to someone in person, which really highlights how nasty and over the top it is. You are correct on the number of characters - Because It is for student actors, I didn't know how many of them there were lol so I just kind of thumbed them in. But it also had the purpose (Which i hope worked) of their voices overpowering Sylvia - lots of people online giving her abuse, making her feel worthless. But this could easily have the character count trimmed. Guess I really need to work on making things clear - I struggle with finding the balance between being subtle and in your face. Really appreciate your comments, Andrew. The deadline for submission was today so I sent it earlier - but I will tackle a re-write for general consideration :-) Matt |
Quoted from Matthew Taylor Hi Dave. Thank you very much for the read. I can see how it can be confusing for most of it - until the characters disappear at the end - which gets me thinking, when scripts are intentionally confusing through most, but become clear later on - how do I keep the readers interest until the reveal? If it's too nonsensical then readers might bail out - do I need to drop bigger hints that things aren't to be taken at face value? - this writing malarky is hard lol Your comment also highlights that I kind of brush over the reveal that these characters aren't really there - it's an important plot point and I don't highlight it - I really need to go back and hit that beat. Thank you very much Dave |
Quoted from Matthew Taylor Thank you both so much for the help. Andrew - Yes you are right, seems I'm trying too hard for that twist ending. So much so that the rest of the story suffers for it. Great advice from both of you - this place saves me a fortune on script review services lol Think I need to make it clear in the beginning that these characters are not there - As you say Andrew, have Sylvia in the online world - chat room/social media - then as she begins to talk to them on there, they 'pop' into the physical world (I think me having them physically come through the door, like they were really there was a mistake) And again - as Dave suggests - have them dramatically fade/evaporate at the end - which could also act as a symbolic message that these online bullies think that being online gives them immunity (they can just Bully and disappear without consequence) The time thing - It doesn't work the way it is - definitely needs splitting as you say, Dave. Although instead of a flashback, would a jump forward work? The first half, she goes online, speaks to Teddy and Teddy alone - she's excited/happy. Then she sends him a nude photo 2 WEEKS LATER She now doesn't want to go online, she upset and dreads it but she can't help herself - this time she is talking to Teddy AND the rest of them, the online bullies. The only thing I would worry about with a "2 weeks later" is killing momentum - but I won't know until I write it in I guess. Thank you so much. If you guys need anything from me, now or in the future, just give me a shout - I'm not great at reviewing and what I say I suspect is mostly nonsense, but, I'll give it a go lol Al the best Matt |
Quoted from LC I've got some comments for you, Matt, if you'd still like them? Just getting a bit late here now so will post tomorrow. :) |
Quoted from Matthew Taylor ... I'm off to go see my baby on the ultrasound :-) |
Quoted from LC Ooh, very exciting. A hearty congrats to you! :D |