Hi Anthony - Hope you are well.
I see you are a new writer - If you are serious about the craft then make sure you do a lot of reading and studying. There are plenty of helpful resources out there - reading scripts (good and bad) is also a great way to learn.
The writing needs work, but you are new so that is to be expected - Nothing a bit of studying and practice can't sort out.
I'll drop a few tips below: FYI the below is just my opinion.
- Double information. We are somewhat limited as screenwriters, we want to try and tell as much as we can with as few words as possible - the Best way to reduce that word count is to remove instances of information we have given the reader twice.
E.G
Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
A large bedroom with ample natural light. There is a bed
without a frame, a blue couch, cream carpet, black walls,
mounted bookshelves and a portable turntable. The room is
tidy. There is no television-set in the room but one can be
heard playing in the distance.
On the freshly made bed there are two people sitting, side by
side. They’re Wallace and Michelle. |
You have told us twice we are in a bedroom (once in the slug, then in the description). You have also told us about the bed twice.
- Over describing. Using the example above, why do we care what colour the couch or the carpet is? or the bookshelves - none is related to the story, they don't particularly set any kind of tone/theme or tell me about the characters. Also, the TV - don't see the relevance of that either.
- Telling us a character is about to speak. "She says" "then she says" - no idea where you picked this up from - Completely irrelevant. We know a character says something because, well, they say something lol.
"Wallace doesn’t say anything." - again, we know this by the fact that he doesn't say anything.
- break up your action blocks
Quoted Text Wallace doesn’t say anything. He stands up and looks out the
window. While Wallace’s back is toward Michelle, she gets up,
quietly, and tiptoes over to Wallace. She is now standing a
foot behind him. In one clean motion she swings her arm at
Wallace, trying to slap him. However, before she can connect,
Wallace, without breaking sight with whatever is happening
outside the window, grabs her arm. Michelle says: |
This needs breaking up - It's done for a variety of reasons. It makes the read easier, it helps with pacing the scene and story and it lets you hit the key beats to raise/lower tension or whatever it is you want us to feel - Try this:
Quoted Text Wallaces glides to the window. Gazes outside.
Michelle tip-toes behind him.
She raises her arm, flattens out her hand. SWINGS it towards Wallace's head--
--SNATCH. Wallace, unflinching, grabs Michelle's arm before impact. |
This is rough so you can do it better - but see how it paces out the actions? makes it clearer to read and picture in the mind?
Onto the story:I like the idea of it. He has a vision of the future, alters it, but time corrects itself and what is going to happen, happens anyway - Small scale, but effective. Him muttering to himself what Michelle is going to say is a good added detail.
However - I beleive the story suffers from a logic issue. Wallace has already changed events by telling Michelle he has seen this moment before - This leads to Michelle trying to slap him to disprove it - that slap would not have happened in the original vision Wallace saw, so he wouldn't have been able to see it coming.
Anyway - best of luck to you in your writing.
If you don't already, I would recommend being an ative member around here - Reveiw, read, join in. This place helps, trust me.
Matt