txt me l8r by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A grieving teen receives an unwanted friend request from a source closer than she dare imagine. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Anthony,

Quoted Text DAD Yeah, I know love.

I know, love. Currently reads as if he knows what love is.

Quoted Text She doesn’t see the girl in the UPS uniform as she watches from a discrete distance.

Should GIRL be capped?

Quoted Text fredn.

frend?

SPOILER

This definitely has a pretty big creep factor, you had me along for the ride, but I didn’t feel satisfied by the ending. I think it needs a bit more explanation as to why the UPS girl has picked Sara as a target. It’s all just too random at the moment. Even more so when the girl ends up under the bed.

A bit more substance will only add to the story.

It does feel like a somewhat similar concept to your unknown caller short in the office you wrote.

Easy enough to make, so it’s the kind of thing a young filmmaker would snap up.

All the best.

What's up, Anthony. Gave this one a look.

Is that the way you're supposed to write text messages? Like they are simply character dialog?

I'm gonna assume all the typos in the messages were done on purpose. Think this might bug some people, but I dig it. That's how people text.

What's "Cuppa"?

Simple story, but pretty creepy. I like it. :) Practically no exposition, but it works for a short. Love the end stinger. Creepy shit.

What's a 'cuppa'?!

Ah see, Zack, this is what happens when you're not a Brit or an Antipodean.  ;D

Cuppa tea, love? Or would you prefer coffee? :D

Quoted from LC What's a 'cuppa'?! Ah see, Zack, this is what happens when you're not a Brit or an Antipodean.  ;D Cuppa tea, love? Or would you prefer coffee? :D

Ha! Me and my un-cultured ass over here in Kentucky. ;D Well now I know. Thanks. :)

Hey Warren/Zack thanks for the reads appreciated as always...

This is an old script, written for a filmmaker who then vanished never to be heard from again... came across it the other week when looking for something else and dusted it off a little.

Warren
Yeah, I know love... altered to luv, should be clearer now.
Girl capped, maybe does no harm capped, changed.
Fredn, just denotes that people spell badly when txting ;-)
The UPS girl was suggested by the original filmmaker, I thought it'd be creepier with no hint or reveal as to who the phantom txter was... may go back to that and make it more a micro-short.
This one predates the other unknown caller script but clearly influenced it.

Zack
How to write txt messages... not sure but I always figure that if it is clear enough then it'll be okay.
Cuppa is a British expression, means 'cup of' and is usually applied to tea... so it'd be "Zack, wanna cuppa tea?"
And glad you liked it ;-)

Thanks for the read and comments.

Anthony...

Not just Brits with 'cuppa' but the rest of us who hail from the Mother Country. :D

The UPS woman? Hmm, yeah, maybe. Not sure she's needed.

I think unless you're a middle-aged Newb to using mobile phones the spelling txt mistakes are a bit over the top. Text speak and abbreviations, yes.

I like this. The ending is powerful and creepy and what makes it imh.

Overall, I liked this.

I'll get my main gripes out of the way first.

1) The text talk. This feels like a leftover from a bygone era. Text talk was really a product of the early mobile phone and text messaging restrictions. Smartphones, and apps like Whatsapp, have removed the need to conserve characters. Kids today text like adults, in the main. I think you can showcase less sophistification in their language without having talk lyk dis.
2) The dialogue between daughter and father is a little mundane; it paints the picture of a dowdy British household that then jars with the horror angle. If we look at Shaun of the Dead, and that whole Cornetto trilogy, they use that backdrop for comedy; I think in large part because it's not espeically ripe for horror.

In terms of structure, and making this more filmmable, I would make the events happen over the course of one evening; that way you craft more tension. Horrors that take place over a longer period are always tough to draw out well. For example, if you've had a fucking frightening experience, the reality you go out in the world the next day like nothing has happened is unrealistic. I once had a really frightening experience with sleep paralysis, and was not the same the next day. Writing a story to capture that is difficult; twice as difficult in a short.

If you keep the story stuck to one evening (The Strangers) or one secluded location that essentially makes it one drawn out evening (The Shining) you ramp up the horror through the isolation. Horror is most effective when isolation is present, as it exposes your vulnerability. Look at Nightmare on Elm Street; it attacks us when we are asleep, and quite literally at our most vulnerable.

So, in summary, my suggestion would be to move this story to one night, make it more visible and less dialogue-driven; I would have the dad leave for the evening just after the texts start. This reinforces her isolation and vulnerability. I would then use the house as a character; the house itself can be horrifying when your mental state is triggered and out of control.

Good luck with it.

I can't help myself, and it's not cause A complimented me on a post the other day...

It's purely because those are some mighty fine suggestions from Andrew. :)

I second Libby on dropping the UPS woman completely. Would work better with no clue whatsoever.

Sorry Libby - of course, Cuppa is not exclusively British... originating here would have been better... odd that it hasn't stuck in the US in the same way.

UPS girl, yep never liked her either... she's gone.  

Andrew, thanks for the comments.
Text talk - hmm, think you may be right, the original script was written 5 years ago so maybe showing it's age. Will go back through and tone down the txtng.
The action takes place over a single day, I've consulted my three teenagers and they all think that they'd not be freaked out by the txts initially, just be wondering which of their mates is playing comedian.

Thanks again all... hopefully this will get picked up, fairly easy to film n all.

Quoted from LC I can't help myself, and it's not cause A complimented me on a post the other day... It's purely because those are some mighty fine suggestions from Andrew. :)

Haha, you charmer! ;)