Hello there.

I'm 19 and have been writing for about five years. Mostly poetry until I started writing fiction in prose last year and now in screenplay at the beginning of this year.

This is my second attempt at the format (my first being an adaptation of my unfinished novel). So...

Logline: Jack Baines, a young soldier troubled by doubt and suspicion for those closest to him, is plunged into the war in Afghanistan.

Any criticism is welcome. I really want to improve in this format.

THE EASTERN THEATRE: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ccmyp03ck80b93d/screenplay%20-%20THE%20EASTERN%20THEATRE%20.pdf?dl=0

Hi Jack

Welcome to the boards - Stick around, get involved, read and reveiw others works to get them in exchange. It's a helpful place so would benefit you greatly.

I had a quick skim through - I read the first 3 pages very quickly, which means the read was nice and easy - My visuals were good - you could spend a little time setting the scene/tone - are they training under burning sun? pouring rain?

I know nothing about the Corporal - but I am guessing since they are not named, they are not a major character so I don't need to know anything.

Format wise - from my quick read no glaring errors jumped out at me, so you have obviously done your research - RECRUITS doesn't need to be capped everytime, just the first time.

Good luck to you - Hopfeully you kick around the boards a while

Matt

EDIT: the logline could do with work though - I would omit the name, and give us a clue as to the protags goal and what is at stake.
EG. A young soldier, dropped into a ferocious warzone, must battle with paranoia and self-confidence if he is to make it home alive.

The above was a quick example, and I;m not that great at loglines - Anyway, we know the protag "young soldier", we know the antagonist (External - enemy soldiers, Internal - Paranoia/self doubt), we know the goal (get home alive) and we know the stakes (death) - oh and I havn;t read the story so I don't know what the story is actually about - my logline was for a generic story.

Hope that helps in some way :-)

Thanks man.

I'm not sure how qualified I am to be reviewing or criticizing other people's work, given my limited experience in the format, but I'll give it my best.

Cheers.

Quoted from JackH Thanks man. I'm not sure how qualified I am to be reviewing or criticizing other people's work, given my limited experience in the format, but I'll give it my best. Cheers.

You don't have to be "qualified" - This is a community of screenwriters at all different levels/stages of career - any feedback is appriciated.

If you are not comftable - stay clear of commenting on formatting until you are - instead, focus on the story - keep it simple, what you like, didn't like, any plot holes you find that need plugging, what made you laugh/cry/scared, what didn;t land for you, did you enjoy/hate the ending, what are your thoughts on the characters like/dislike .... basically like you would about a movie you just watched at the cinema.

Just keep it constructive and respectful and you are all set :-)

Welcome to the site, Jack - best one out there.

Read the first ten - impressive for a 19 year-old for sure.  I found the scene descriptions juat a bit sparse. But solid writing for sure.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor EDIT: the logline could do with work though - I would omit the name, and give us a clue as to the protags goal and what is at stake. EG. A young soldier, dropped into a ferocious warzone, must battle with paranoia and self-confidence if he is to make it home alive. The above was a quick example, and I;m not that great at loglines - Anyway, we know the protag "young soldier", we know the antagonist (External - enemy soldiers, Internal - Paranoia/self doubt), we know the goal (get home alive) and we know the stakes (death) - oh and I havn;t read the story so I don't know what the story is actually about - my logline was for a generic story. Hope that helps in some way :-)

Yeah, I haven't really practiced much with loglines.

Quoted from eldave1 Welcome to the site, Jack - best one out there. Read the first ten - impressive for a 19 year-old for sure.  I found the scene descriptions juat a bit sparse. But solid writing for sure.

Thanks for feeding my ego. It's already pretty enlarged.

As far as scene descriptions, how would you recommend improving them? Or is it simply a matter of more detail.

Just a little more detail either in the header or description. e.g.,

EXT. NEVADA DESERT - INFANTRY TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY

tells me a bit more about what are recruits are facing.

Welcome, Jack H.

Hints and tips for navigating the site:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/

Add to it with a question if you're stumped on anything. :)

Quoted from eldave1 Just a little more detail either in the header or description. e.g., EXT. NEVADA DESERT - INFANTRY TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY tells me a bit more about what are recruits are facing.

Okay, that's a really good point, because if you were imagining a Nevada Desert type of location then that's way off! Thinking about it now, I give no real indication that it is set in England.

Thanks for the tip.

Quoted from LC Welcome, Jack H. Hints and tips for navigating the site: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/ Add to it with a question if you're stumped on anything. :)

Thanks LC, and nice to digitally meet you.

My logline not grab you, huh?  ;D Gotta work on that...

Quoted from JackH Okay, that's a really good point, because if you were imagining a Nevada Desert type of location then that's way off! Thinking about it now, I give no real indication that it is set in England. Thanks for the tip.

My pleasure

Good morning Jack. Hope you are well

First - please see the disclaimer in my signature  :)

OK, I like war movies, so I'm looking forward to this one.

You either have military experience or you have done your research - the bayonet training feels authentic. It is a highly charged, angry experience - I think you capture that mood somewhat

I really hope it has some relevance later on - IE he has to USE this training at a key moment. If so, I would extend this slightly - make this more visual, you only mention once that the recruits thrust the bayonets into the dummies - you can be more descriptive here and really, show them being angry, their screwed up faces intent on killing, the sweat, the exhaustion that comes with repeatedly stabbing with a bayonet - you can break up the Corporals long dialogue with brief moments of this action - JHMO of course

Jack Baines seems a little old to be a recruit - it's not unheard of obviously, but it's not the norm - I wonder if his age plays a part in this.

"YOUNG WOMAN -- HANNAH (25)" Don't think you need to introduce this character as YOUNG WOMAN immediately followed by her name and age. Just the name and age will do.

I can't copy and paste from your script - is it protected from doing so? I'm trying to pop examples into my reply but it's not letting me - anyway, I'll soldier on (pun intended)

When you get feedback, you will probably see the word "unfilmable" mentioned a lot - These are things that you have straight up told the reader, but someone viewing a finished movie would have no idea. I would try to avoid these if I were you, the adage "show don't tell" is a good one to go by.
Case in point - "Mid 40's - family member/friend" - the viewer has no way of knowing this character is a family friend unless you show us that dynamic - but you can so easily show us this relationship rather than tell - additional point, is he a family member or friend? why include both?

OK - time to contradict myself (and annoy other reviewers around here). You will also see the term "asides" thrown around - some people love them, some people hate them - It's your story, you decide how to tell it. These are also classed as "unfilmable" and is basically the writer talking directly to the reader (I would argue that a good aside IS filmable, but leaves it open to the director/actor to portray the mood/tone from it)
They are used to expand on something you have shown us to add emotion, tone, mood, whatever - Example from 500 days of summer - "Tom makes copies. Making copies sure is dull" - Here, the writer gives us the action "making copies" then sets the mood "Making copies sure is dull" - that's the writer telling us the character is bored - he could show it, of course, yawning, leaning, general looking bored. instead, the writer tells us and leaves it to the actor/director to portray that mood.

I don't mind asides to be honest - if they are done well. you will be able to tell the difference - some feel shoehorned into a script in an attempt by the writer to add a "voice" - others feel more natural and genuinely add to the reading experience. They can also reduce the word count by conveying to the producer/actor the essence of the scene without over-describing everything.
With most things, if used too much they become annoying.

I've gone off on a tangent - Anyway, research them and make up your own mind - I haven't actually seen an aside in your script so I'm not entirely sure why I am talking about them.

WAIT - I have a better example lol

Quoted Text The players are taking their seats. Slowly, Andrew walks in. Eyes the DRUMS. Takes a deep breath. He can do this... Carl is seated in the alternate�s seat. The drum throne is empty. Just waiting for Andrew... Andrew sits down. WE MOVE IN CLOSER ON HIM -- as he adjusts his seat, lays his music out, gets his sticks ready...

Alright - Whiplash is not a spec script - even so, the tonal asides add to the read in my opinion. But as I say, read up on them and decide for yourself.

OK - in light of the above I will again refer you to the disclaimer in my signature lol

Back to your story...

Eurgh my find function isn't working on your script either lol - never mind, I was trying to search to see how many times you use the term "we see" - Anyway, these are unecesarry, if you describe it, we see it no need to use the words "we see" or any varients such as we hear.

VARIOUS SCENES: - you then describe the scenes in one big block of description. I would break these up into their individual shots - I.E

SERIES OF SHOTS
A) HOMELESS PEOPLE sleep in dank corners.
B) DRUG DEALERS linger in the shade.
etc etc...

OK - I spent so long discussing bloody asides I have ran out of time to read more - I'll revisit later

All the best

Matt

Hey Matt.

I really appreciate you reading through my script. Look forward to hearing more impression.

If it helps I'm perfectly happy to exchange emails and I can send you a PDF file or something. That way it might make the critique a little easier.

I do have some loose 'military experience', being a 19yo on their way to joining the military (being on bases, etc).

As for the opening scene -- the bayonet training -- it does have relevance, but largely thematic relevance. You are absolutely right though, about being more detailed. Being a first draft I'm just exploring ideas, you know how it is. In fact, I look back on most of this draft and think "wow, what utter shite I've written.

There's a whole battle scene in the script that you will find, but it's all going to be transplanted come draft two as it's so horribly off theme. More explanation on that if you come to it though.

Yes, you're right. Jack is a little old. Another thing that I've made notes on for draft two is to show the demise of industrial Britain that has long since occurred -- implying that Jack is a kind of down-on-his-luck product of unemployment, blah blah blah...!

I also DO NOT use 'we see' at all (I think), which is something I learned the hard way in writing my first screenplay where it is writhe.

PS: Whiplash is a great movie!  ;D

Hope to hear from you soon. Let me know if you have anything to be critiqued, otherwise I feel guilty.

I did find ONE "We see" - which is what prompted me to find more. But if you already know that they are not needed, then you probably just missed that noe - no big deal

I'll try and read more before I bugger off on my holidays

Matt

Oh and I have nothing for you to critique at the moment - Everything I have on here is an old draft, haven't had the time or energy to rewrite them yet. Choose someone elses script that takes your fancy and read/review that instead :-)

Okay, quick check. I've used "we see" three times, mostly earlier in the script, but will promptly remove them.

Thanks again.

Hi Jack

I've been thinking to myself recently that when I read and review, I'm doing it from the perspective of a writer - not a producer. I'm basing things on my enjoyment of the reading, not if I can turn it into a good movie - What got me down this train of thought are a few instances of you 'telling' me things in the script - to a producer, I guess it's then up to them to translate that to film, but as a reader it's not very interesting - Just thinking out loud really.

Anyhoo - Those instances of you telling me:
"Everyone is Drunk"
"Hannah is in shock"
It's a bit boring to read and not visual - surely you can think of ways to convey this information visually.
"Nick notices Jack appears absorbed in something, a little pensive, anxious"
Nick may have noticed it - but how are we meant to notice it - Jacks dialogue immediately before this indicates his mind is on other things so no need to tell us - show us.

"Cynical, dubious thoughts circulate his mind" - how the bugger am I meant to see this? lol - are thought bubbles going to appear on screen? I've read a few consipiracy theories but I'm pretty sure the audience won't be able to read the characters minds.

"Tears of joy form in her eyes"
During your rewrite - look out for little things like this and ask yourself if some information is truly necessary - I mean, where else do tears form if not eyes?

"Clouds of dust, created by the intense gunfire, drift in the air and explode violently where bullets meet concrete"
This doesn't read well - I read it like it was some kind of combustable death gas floating around that randomly explodes.

BTW I like the instant transition from Pub to battlefield - from safety to danger.
Although looking back, do you need two seperate parties in the beginning? Can you not combine the kids birthday party with what the leaving party has told us about the story and characters? Was a little jarring going from 1 to the other and on a plus side - 1 less location for production.

Well, I saw the word "frenetically" and thought "That's not a word!" - but it is, I've learned something.

You have a tendency to overwrite - but I have a tendency to underwrite so my suggestions may go too far the other way.
"Just as the man is about to turn and fire on him, jack fires several panicked rounds from his rifle, dropping the man.
First, I'd go with terrorist rather than man, sounds more threatening. This should also be tense moment but the writing doesn't highlight it.

How about

"The terrorist turns the weapon on Jack. Jack takes aim at the terrorist.

BANG BANG.

The terrorist drops to the ground"

I'm not convinced mine is any good - I also do not like ANY onomatopeia for weapons so I never know what to use - BANG & POP both sound so childish... anyway, back to the script

"Then, from an unknow position further along the street, he is fired upon. Several rounds crack against the surface of the road, spitting up tufts of dust and debris"
A good example of overwriting here - do away with the word "then". If the position is unknown, how do we know it is further along the street, but more importantly, why bother telling us at all - Also no need to tell us he is fired upon when it is immediately followed by you showing us he is fired upon - stick to the showing part, lose the telling part.
How is this gonna play out on screen, what are we going to see/hear first? The bullets hitting the road, tell us that first
"rounds CRACK into the ground at jacks feet. Jack dips and dodges his way into

SIDESTREET

He flees. Away from the fight, away from his unit"

Is that any better? I dunno, you be the judge.

OK I'm gonna stop analysing every line now or I'll be here forever lol I'm gonna read the rest of the script in one go (hopefully)

All the best

Matt

EDIT: I read on a little bit - Got to the point where he met the Staff Sergeant - He keeps calling him "Sir", unless things have changed since I was in, you don't call a staffy "sir" - I did once and was promptly shouted at "DON'T CALL ME SIR, I WORK FOR A LIVING"

Hello again

OK, I'm tackling the rest of it...

There was a huge tone shift when he got to this base - It went from what I thought was a serious war film to a slightly goofy one - A bit like going from Lone Survivor to The Men Who Stare at Goats - It was a bit jarring and left me with a WTF face.
Either tone is fine, but I would keep it consistent throughout.

Mess hall scene - 2 pages into this scene you introduce a character that has been there the whole time - If this character is there, you need to tell us at the beginning (he isn't hidden or anything, he is literally sitting there but you didn't tell us)

I also find it a bit odd that he keeps using his first name - last names are the norm - Private Baines.

Alright... the phone call with Hannah was strange... something odd is going on in this story. And I wanna find out what it is... you've hooked me! well done. But I wanna say now, If I get to the end of this script and it's all in his head, I'm gonna be pissed lol

It's hard to like Jack - he's a bit of a wet blanket. I'm struggling to root for him in this story.

He is also not asking the right questions - questions I would expect him to ask in this situation, he's just kind of accepted that this very odd FOB is acceptable. It's strange as fuck and he's not acting like it - Would he not be asking them to communicate with Camp Bastien? or his unit? or anyone up the chain of command? or what the hell is going on lol

OK - a word on consistency. Basically, be consistent.
Take SSgt Charlie - Sometimes you refer to him as Staff Sargeant Charlie/S.Sgt Charlie/ Staff Sargeant - I would pick one and stick with it throughout.

"It is morning" - just pop MORNING on the end of your slug instead of DAY

Wait a darn second... Jack just witnessed Tommy get executed, and seemingly happy to, and he goes back to the barracks? I would be grabbing supplies and take my chances out in the desert

Alright, this script is moving too slowly now - I'm skipping ahead.

IT WAS ALL IN HIS HEAD!  lol, I saw that coming but I was hoping you wouldn't go there.

Ok, I got to the end of what you have written:

Summary:
I do not think Jack has enough character to carry us through this story.
The tone should be kept constant throughout - The shift was a little disturbing.
It was odd, and seemingly disconnected - What's Jacks goal here? to get home? He's not helping himself achieve this so I can't root for him - he has access to the phone but he only calls his fiance - If he is not trying his hardest to achieve his goal then I lose interest in hoping he achieves it.
What is the purpose of the crazies in the army base? - I see now they are some sort of hallucination, but I would bring them into the story more, maybe each represents an emotion, a doubt, a person in Jacks life - I don't know, just felt like the story went off the rails a bit.

You say you have only been writing scripts for a few months - With that in mind, this is a bloody good start. The writing needs some work but that comes in the end.
The story is not for me, but others will like this sort of thing.

Well done - Keep up the good work

All the best

Matt

Hey Matt.

Firstly like to say that I really appreciate you reading my script and giving it some thorough thought. It definitely helps give perspective.

You've given me a lot of food for thought! Especially regarding Jack's lack of drive to escape the outpost. I actually despise most of this hideous first draft anyway  ;D but I've started writing a second in prose, so goodie!

Funnily enough, I'd already adopted your suggestion of just having one party (opting for the pub scene). The whole birthday party bullshit was so goddam boring I almost fell asleep trying to rewrite it. So I just got rid of it . . . in fact, I've even got rid of George for the time being.

Also, the whole flight of fantasy shit with the outpost was a bit of an experiment. The entire section in Afghanistan is gonna be handled totally different moving forward. The reality or delusion of what actually occurs is going to be much more ambiguous, and less embarrassingly on-the-nose!  ;D

Thanks

Jack