The Stowaway by Nacho Poncharelo - Short, Horror - Making a routine delivery across the Mexican border, a loudmouthed trucker discovers something terrifying has hitched along for the ride. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

First one I've read and if this is what the rest of like, I'm in trouble! That was ace. Ticked all the OWC boxes, was a fun read, easy to follow and every time I though I knew what was going to happen next, you upped the game.

Excellent effort!

-Mark

Hi writer,

I'm slightly less enthusiastic about this one. Things I think you did really well: the writing is excellent, no doubt about that, one of the better writers on SS, that is clear. You build suspense very well too.

But in terms of the challenge, I found that up to page 8 this was straight out comedy. And even past page 8 I felt the horror was very light on. Yes you have a strong final image, but I'm not convinced that's enough to actually pull the entire script into the horror genre.

Regardless, this will end up closer to the top of the pile than the bottom.

All the best.

Ooh, a certain Breaking Bad vibe to the beginning of this with the Nacho delivery truck driver. Ha! Might just be me.

You've a good set of writing chops on you, that much is for sure.

I'd like to suggest with all due respect though, that you tone down the 'smart arse' writer intervention descriptions and asides just a bit. I'm all for a few but there's just a touch too many taking me out of the story.

Big bulbous ass. to describe the spider?  ;D A big-ass spider, I'd buy. Still this is all a bit over the top.

I didn't notice any glaring typos except this one:
taught webbing top of page 9.
Should be 'taut'.

There's lots of suspense, lots of arachnid horror and like I said you write very well and choreographed all the action with spectacular skill, but I wish you'd stopped around p.9. At that point the story started to drag a bit for me and be a little repetitive, and I started skimming.

Loved the cat and mouse stuff in the beginning before things reached gargantuan mutant proportions.

The EPA mention suggests this as part of a bigger story.
Perhaps you should turn this into a feature length  It's been quite some time since Jeff Daniels and John Goodman graced our screens in Arachnophobia. :)

I had a fun time with this one.  You made the most out of what is a painfully simple concept that could've easily not worked.  A spider loose on an eighteen wheeler.   After the first couple of pages I didn't think this had enough meat to it to sustain the kind of suspense needed to justify the running time.  But you upped the ante and kept the spider a menacing presence throughout.  

It was actually reminiscent of The Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt - both of which used dark humor to cut the tension.  So I hope you don't get too beat up over your use of comedy.  This is a classic example of blending horror and comedy and making it work.      

Fun Read...GREAT JOB!!!!

Makes mine look like an 8 year old wrote it!  :P

I'm relieved to finally read a script that is well written.  GOD...the first 4 were all ZERO's, so I'm happy right now.  Thank you.

BUT, you do have 2 throwaway wrylies on the first page.  That's OK...I'm cool...

Page 2 - You've chosen to write in a "we" mode, we do this, we see that, etc.  Sometimes this can work.  I don't see the need here at all, and your prose is starting to get a little irritating, smartarseyish.

Page 3 - "His his"

"Playboy Monthly" - ?  Is this a new magazine or something?  What happened to good old "Playboy"?

I'm not seeing the horror here at all, as it's written like a comedy, for some reason.

Yeah, this is exactly what I was worried about with the writing here.  Hey, listen, you know how to write for sure and some are going to love this style, but for me, it's irritating, it's over the top, it's too much, it's smartassy, and I'm losing patience...quickly!

Yeah, getting worse.  Descriptions just way over the top - "Red goes al Hicks on their ass." - Again, some may really dig this kinda stuff, but not me.  It's often a fine line, but you've crossed it time and time again.

"Job fucking done." - Oh boy...

Page 10 - "SAME" as your time element?  No...

And we end  with a shout out to what this script is really all about - 8 Legged Freaks, the movie, which has a very similar vibe.

Hey, listen, this is good for what it is...and what you intended it to be.  There is obviously true terror and horror, and suspense, and it's all within or near vehicle(s).

My quips are style choices and that's your choice, so it's all good.  You're a good writer and I'm sure this will place well.  Good job.

***  

Quoted from ChrisV Fun Read...GREAT JOB!!!! Makes mine look like an 8 year old wrote it!  :P

That's why I never enter these.  I got verbally bitch slapped like a newbie stepchild last time around.  After being around for the better part of 12 years on SS, it was a hard pill to swallow.  

But it was just a case of rushing a first draft and submitting after working on a script all of 3 hours.  The ones that win these things put in the time.      

Logline has me intrigued. A good sign.

I like the descriptions. Paints very clear pictures.

Don't think we need the "We don't exactly..."

Must be an old radio if he has to spin the dial and manually roll up the window.

Really love the descriptions.

Good action writing.

Not quite sure why some words are in CAPS. Usually that's for special things like sound effects and such. Not just simple he WHACKS himself.

WHITE OUT...

So, we see Red this whole time, but somehow we're supposed to be shocked when he sees himself in the rear view mirror? Either keep his appearance hidden from us or tell us about his changes while we see him.

Finished. I enjoyed this. Well written. In fact I wish I could write this way myself. Story was great, followed the challenge. I would definitely give this one the highest mark whatever that is in this challenge.

Great job!!!

Poor Red. Characterization was very humorous and I laughed out loud. Too bad he didn't make it out alive.
But how did these spiders mutate? It's just something that's out there. I guess the page count cramps you, It did me.

Brilliant writing! Interesting choice to use a completely unsympathetic character. But it still works...because of the brilliant writing. And the repulsive main character allows this to be done with humor, which is a further chance for the writer to showcase his/her talent. I'm guessing "his" for one reason: the use of the word loogie!  Great work. I give it a 10.

This is what spec script writing is supposed to be. The style keeps the reader glued to the page. I'm not trying to pick a fight, but the sooner writers understand this the sooner they'll help themselves. Advocating, or even worse demanding, styles that render scripts more technical and therefore less readable is not really helping new writers. This writer gets it.

Okay, first page: that was fun! Great start.

Onto page 3. Still fun. Not yet what i'd call horror... but, having a good time.

Whacks himself in the face... am I supposed to be laughing here? Because I am!

Page 5... I'm in a freaking adult-themed Pixar short. At least, in my mind!

Page 9... Pixar short over. I miss it! But, now we're finally in a horror script.

Ha! That was fun. Though, I enjoyed the first 8 pages more than the last 4. (Then again, I'm not a horror fan... and this IS a horror challenge.)

This is great. Excellent writing. Fun story. Not a big fan of the ending, but overall I enjoyed the script.

But, just for me... consider calling this an animated short and writing an ending that fits the quirky fun of the first 8 pages. Forget the horror aspect. Give it a fun ending, not a horrific one. It'd be HILARIOUS!

I'm probably breaking some Simply Script rule by saying I loved it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  I hope this doesn't sound like lame feedback...-Andrea.

I thought this was really well written and was on track to hit the mark... until he kills the first spider.

To that point I'd really enjoyed it and thought the writer had managed to get suspense in with his comedy - good job.

But then the story moves into 8 Legged Freaks/Giant Spider Invasion territory and then it stopped working for me I'm afraid.

And there's no way that he drives Avacados Mexico/Texas and isn't aware that the spider is a Black Widow.

Still liked it overall though.

Hi,

This was well written and a pretty cool tale.

I didn't find it scary, however. Maybe people with a proper fear of spiders would. Also, found it to drag for the last few pages. Don't think this one needed to be 12 pages.

All in all, decent read.

Good luck.

This is an excellent opening to the sequel to Eight Legged Freaks. Well done.

Ah crap, I hate spiders!

Some profanity in the asides but I don't think it's overdone. It works with the overall style of the script and makes for a fun read.

A little light on the horror but this is definitely giving me a Creepshow vibe. It would certainly fit in the comedy horror genre. Very Evil Dead 2-ish.

Great use of the vehicle. In fact two vehicles!

12 pages was a bit too long. I think this would've worked better 10 or under. And it was leaning towards Eight Legged Freaks territory towards the end, not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Excellent writing and a fun read. Checks all the OWC boxes for me.

Great job!

Hello writer

I don't find spiders all that scary - I'm up to page 5 and his battle of wits with the spider is entertaining, albeit not very scary.

I like Red lol his talking to himself dialogue is natural and well done. We always say strange things when we are by ourselves - a lot of writers forget this, they write this type of dialogue as if the character can be heard by others, controlling what they say - here we have the unhinged dialogue of talking to oneself.

Ok, more spiders now.... a little scarier but still not terrifying.

Quoted Text Then Red realizes something. It's as though he's in.. A spider's lair.

Writing has been solid - a tad cocky in places but you certainly kept me interested and entertained. The above quote didn't fit with the rest of the solid writing - might just be me, but it's been so good up until this point that this stood out like a sore thumb - I'm being picky now.

and a giant spider... scarier still

The end.

You are a great writer, no doubt. This is a definite contender. I loved the image of the truck barreling over him.

Scary-ish, suspenseful, vehicle wasn't that imaginative but it was prominent.

Spiders, like sharks, are overdone in horror I feel - so many creepy insects/bugs/whatever out there to choose from, a bit more imagination in choosing the foe would have been nice.

So, there was some kind of spill at the beginning - this mutated the spiders, right? - but this spill is not near him, so didn't affect the spiders in his van - so is it a coincidence he was carrying a fuck tonne of spiders and was happened upon by the giant spiders, all coincidental?

If I could feel more of a link between the spiders on his van - the spill - giant spiders, it would have polished it off - solid entry regardless.

Matt

THE STOWAWAY

He spins the dial to change the radio station? I checked back and there isn't a super to tell me this is set in the past. We're in the digital age, who spins dials to change radio stations?

A bit long. I skimmed through the final few pages and somehow we end up with a giant spider. I think this story could have ended with the realisation of the bite and then he simply dying.

An absurd horror. Nice work. Very well written and told well. But the story takes things a step or two too far in the end.

Very fun read through the first 8 or 9 pages and then I started to skim. Still a great story you weaved (or wove?) and not quite sure why the tone seemed to drag at the end. Writing-wise, one of the strongest so far, and I'm almost to the end. Nice job, writer! High marks.

Extremely well written.

That being said - this danced between horror and humor so much neither were adequately served - at least IMO.

But again - the writing was rock solid.

Hi Writer,

This one is skillfully written. Kudos for that. It starts heavy on the comedy, but then it shifts slowly towards horror. Enough for me to tick all the OWC boxes. The final image with Red on the spider's lair is really strong and horrifying.

My only gripe is that I think that you missed a couple of opportunities to heighten the horror.

The first one is when Red discovers the swarm of spiders under the avocados. He gets rid of them too easy, but this was the perfect moment to raise the stakes. It could have been scarier if you had dozens of spiders crawling up his clothes as he sprays them with the fire extinguisher. Almost what you do, but... not exactly.

Similarly, when he awakes in the spider's lair, he exits the car too quickly. The final image with the giant spider isn't half as powerful as the one with Red in the spider's lair. IMO the short should have ended there, with the big hairy spider - and the rest of spiders - moving towards Red as he watches, helplessly. Now, that would have been truly terrifying.

Anyway, just some food for thought. All in all, it was a great read.

Well done!

Well, I finally got a chance to read this, and I'm glad I did. The writing is quite good, the action works for the most part, the suspense is great, and there's a good amount of horror.

The opening dialogue is strong, but it's a little out of place, setting something up that never pays off. Better to stay within this story, not allude to another story that we'll never get to.

The action does get absurd once the fire extinguisher comes into play. How much retardant do you think there is in those canisters? It's like Red has unlimited ammo! And I don't buy that it would kill spiders on contact, that seems unlikely.

The deafening roar of the air vents is another misstep. Maybe deafening to a spider in the vent, not to Red or to us.

I thought we were in Aracnophobia territory with the spider on the windshield, so the ending still surprised me. I like that you called out the reference to Eight Legged Freaks, it's just too bad it isn't in dialogue so everyone can be in on it.

All in all, one of my faves. Well done!

This one seems to be the favourite so far and with good reason. It's well written, stays within the requirements and blends in some comedy too. You ease the reader in with some spider shenanigans and then we see red entangled in a web and it finally descends into horror. I like that the horror escalates as the spiders get bigger. Could be a bit shorter.

Good job, I expect this to place high.

Thanks for all the great comments and feedback. I'll probably reply to a few in a bit.

Mark (Renshaw) convinced me to enter something for this OWC and I was in need of a new short story for an anthology I've been working on so the timing was good. I'm a long time lurker and have optioned and made a few scripts from here, but have never really written anything half decent myself. So I figured why not! This is me coming out of the writing closet so to speak. Needless to say, I'm pretty chuffed that it went over rather well and that some of you enjoyed it.

Cheers!

So just to add some comments on your comments.

A few of you didn't think this was horror enough, which is a fine assessment. Personally, anything with spiders in it is a horror to me, but the tone I was going for was Tales of the Crypt, Creepshow etc. and sure there is a fine line between comedy and horror. I do feel like I struck the right balance though.

Of course that is why the script ended up being 12 pages rather than 10 (which was my goal) and a few of you thought it was too long. Yes, it was. I  knew that going in, but without ramping up the horror at the end this would've been well, just a comedy. The first draft was actually longer and ended in the cab with the bigger spider entering Red's mouth and thus shutting him up once and for all. There was an additional scene at the beginning that took place on the Avocado farm where Red was characterized as being a total douche and a bit of a loudmouth (kept that in the logline) but once I axed that scene as it was making the script too slow to read, it kinda didn't make sense to end it with him swallowing the spider. So thus the new ending was tacked on. It was a gamble I took and I think it paid off for a few but for most of you it didn't. I'll likely go back to the original draft should this ever go into production (plus it would be cheaper!).

Quoted from Britman So just to add some comments on your comments. A few of you didn't think this was horror enough, which is a fine assessment. Personally, anything with spiders in it is a horror to me, but the tone I was going for was Tales of the Crypt, Creepshow etc. and sure there is a fine line between comedy and horror. I do feel like I struck the right balance though. Of course that is why the script ended up being 12 pages rather than 10 (which was my goal) and a few of you thought it was too long. Yes, it was. I  knew that going in, but without ramping up the horror at the end this would've been well, just a comedy. The first draft was actually longer and ended in the cab with the bigger spider entering Red's mouth and thus shutting him up once and for all. There was an additional scene at the beginning that took place on the Avocado farm where Red was characterized as being a total douche and a bit of a loudmouth (kept that in the logline) but once I axed that scene as it was making the script too slow to read, it kinda didn't make sense to end it with him swallowing the spider. So thus the new ending was tacked on. It was a gamble I took and I think it paid off for a few but for most of you it didn't. I'll likely go back to the original draft should this ever go into production (plus it would be cheaper!).

So... no animation!? Damn. The vision is so clear in my mind.

Fine. Do it your way. :)

(Congratulations on the win. Excellent job! Well deserved.)

Wait. How about we compromise? Do it Tim Burton style?

Congrats, Al!

Well deserved mug.

Further to what PK said, I'd like to see this along the lines of the highly stylised photorealistic animation in Love, Death & Robots.

Quoted from LC Congrats, Al! Well deserved mug. Further to what PK said, I'd like to see this along the lines of the highly stylised photorealistic animation in Love, Death & Robots.

I just looked up Love, Death & Robots...

YES, YES, YES. That's absolutely perfect. Do that.

So will you be a more regular contributer to SS now, Al?

I'd love to read some of your other work.

God we're all in for a flogging in the future OWC's :p

Quoted Text So will you be a more regular contributer to SS now, Al? I'd love to read some of your other work. God we're all in for a flogging in the future OWC's :p

Haha! One of my goals for this year was to become more actively involved in writing, and the community. Something I've always slacked on, so yeah I may stick around. Whether I enter an OWC is a different story, if the genre fits then maybe. I tend to find comedy/quirky horror/thrillers stories easier to write. I have a couple of scripts I may put up on the regular forums though for feedback.

Now...

I'm wondering how I'm going to get spiders out of my mind when I'm eating guacamole.

Then...

Do I really ever want to eat guacamole ever again?!

Early on I kept thinking there was someone hiding in the back
with the crates and that he was going to come out at any time.
I think that would have been interesting, but that's not
the direction you were headed with this script.

Very creepy writing, that's for sure. Good job on the challenge!  :)

Hey there, Al.

The writing here is great. Sucked me right it. A real page turner. I had no issue visualizing what you wanted me to see. You've got some real talent.

I hate spiders, so you get some brownie points there. ;D Creeped me out. You nailed the prolonged suspense.

Only real issue I've got is the ending with the big spider. I just didn't buy it. Where did it come from? All the other spiders came from the back of the truck, so was the big spider just "in the area"?

Still, some really great writing here. I enjoyed it. ;D

Quoted from Zack . Only real issue I've got is the ending with the big spider. I just didn't buy it. Where did it come from? All the other spiders came from the back of the truck, so was the big spider just "in the area"?

There was reference to the EPA earlier in the script, we assume the two are linked.

My issue is that your stance on this has now changed. In my thread about stuff having a reason you argued that is wasn't important, you've also stated the same thing about your scripts, but now I've seen you question why things are happening on two different scripts.

I for one am confused about where you stand on this. I'm not expecting a reply as my thread was locked but I thought it was strange.

Quoted from Warren There was reference to the EPA earlier I'm the script, we assume the two are linked. My issue is that your stance on this has now changed. In my thread about stuff having a reason you argued that is wasn't important, you've also stated the same thing about your scripts, but now I've seen you question why things are happening on two different scripts. I for one am confused about where you stand on this. I'm not expecting a reply as my thread was locked but I thought it was strange.

I didn't lock your thread, Dude. But to answer your question... I suppose it just depends on the story whether or not motivation/exposition is important.

I figured the reference to the EPA was the hint/set up to the big spider at the end. Just seems odd that this big spider was waiting by the road where the truck so happened to stop. Do you really not see what I'm saying here, Warren?

In my scripts you are referring to, there may not be much in the way of motivation/exposition, but I believe there is a coherent logic to them that helps them feel natural. You don't get all the answers, but I give you enough to piece the story together yourself. Or at least that's my intention, obviously I need to work on my craft a bit more.

If you are still confused on my stance, go back and read all of my statements on your locked thread. Put away your emotion, take a breath, and READ what I said. If something isn't clear to you, PM me. I'll try to clear it up for ya. Or if you'd rather talk it out in person, I'll gladly give you my number. I don't wanna fight with you or anything. Honestly, you've given me some really helpful reviews in the past and I really appreciate it.

So yeah... Any more issues or concerns you have with my opinions. Just PM me. I'll respond. ;D

Sorry to hijack your thread, Al. Really liked your script, Dude.

Quoted from Zack I didn't lock your thread, Dude. But to answer your question... I suppose it just depends on the story whether or not motivation/exposition is important. I figured the reference to the EPA was the hint/set up to the big spider at the end. Just seems odd that this big spider was waiting by the road where the ruck so happened to stop. Do you really not see what I'm saying here, Warren? In my scripts you are referring to, there may not be much in the way of motivation/exposition, but I believe there is a coherent logic to them that helps them feel natural. You don't get all the answers, but I give you enough to piece the story together yourself. Or at least that's my attention, obviously I need to work on my craft a bit more. If you are still confused on my stance, go back and read all of my statements on your locked thread. Put away your emotion, take a breath, and READ what I said. If something isn't clear to you, PM me. I'll try to clear it up for ya. Or if you'd rather talk it out in person, I'll gladly give you my number. I don't wanna fight with you or anything. Honestly, you've given me some really helpful reviews in the past. So yeah... Any more issues or concerns you have with my opinions. Just PM me. I'll respond. ;D Sorry to hijack your thread, Al. Really liked your script, dude.

Didnt say you locked it.

Sure I've got time, I'll take this to PM.

Quoted from Zack Hey there, Al. The writing here is great. Sucked me right it. A real page turner. I had no issue visualizing what you wanted me to see. You've got some real talent. I hate spiders, so you get some brownie points there. ;D Creeped me out. You nailed the prolonged suspense. Only real issue I've got is the ending with the big spider. I just didn't buy it. Where did it come from? All the other spiders came from the back of the truck, so was the big spider just "in the area"? Still, some really great writing here. I enjoyed it. ;D

Thanks Zack, glad you enjoyed it.

In answer to the giant spider, it came from the back of the truck with the rest. Red's truck had essentially stopped in a contaminated area (hinted at in the news report in the beginning) and so some of the escaped spiders had mutated, not just one.

Of course, it's a stretch of the imagination that the spiders would mutate so fast, but then so is the entire script, this was supposed to just be a fun ride. Any deeper explanation would've just bogged it down.

Saying that, I am taking the ending out anyway and going back to the original draft which climaxed with Red being killed by the first big brother spider. That also makes it cheaper to make! :)

Quoted from Britman Thanks Zack, glad you enjoyed it. In answer to the giant spider, it came from the back of the truck with the rest. Red's truck had essentially stopped in a contaminated area (hinted at in the news report in the beginning) and so some of the escaped spiders had mutated, not just one. Of course, it's a stretch of the imagination that the spiders would mutate so fast, but then so is the entire script, this was supposed to just be a fun ride. Any deeper explanation would've just bogged it down. Saying that, I am taking the ending out anyway and going back to the original draft which climaxed with Red being killed by the first big brother spider. That also makes it cheaper to make! :)

Okay. Makes sense now. I think you are right to go with the original ending. The giant car sized spider was just too much IMO. Still really liked this. Looking forward to reading the rewrite.