Ganglers by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw) writing as Kruger Candy - Short, Horror - A jaded correction officer transporting a busload of restrained inmates must choose whether to defend the prisoners she despises when they are attacked by creatures with a twisted sense of justice. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The dialogue needs some major work. The story overall is very confusing in my book. I had to bail after page 10 (sorry).

I have to admit that I had to reread quite a few lines to keep the action straight in my head but what a payoff! I really enjoyed the story, suspense and the ending. I have a good idea who wrote this, I hope I'm right. Very cool. Good work. This writer has been around a while!

"Sat on..." - Man, do I hate when I read this.  Incorrect, but I guess this is some kind of Euro slang.

The swear word laced descriptions and asides are already annoying as fuck, and I've only read 4 passages.  This will prove to be a rough read, I think.

Any words used as a name, should be Capped.

"...who constantly sweats, even in the Arctic" - OK, I'm sorry, but that's too much for me and I can tell these asides are not about to stop.  I'm out.  First one I couldn't finish.

Sorry.

*

I liked this. I thought the exchange in the bus as she's zapping the inmates quite funny. Lots of suspense when the Ganglers showed up. Sure, I wanted to see Burke break loose and start bashing shit but if you fleshed this out to a longer story that could be something to think about.

Writing was really good, clearly a seasoned writer. I don't mind the colorful and stylistic descriptions at all, thought it added to the piece.

Great job!

Of all the OWC scripts I've read today, I felt this one held my attention the longest and was the strongest contender for best overall written -- not story wise -- plot or dialogue.  But as far as the best action, slick descriptions and clean format, it was very fast and clever.  

My fave so far.  :D  

This one was not bad.

A little confusing in parts - but admittedly there is a lot of action to handle.

Wasn't a real fan of the tazer - not sure why - just took me out of the main story a bit as I imagined the characters writhing from shock. I'm sure that's just me.

Solid entry.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Sat on a jump seat

I have no idea what a jump seat is... googled it and I'm still not sure. Is it just one of the seats in the van?

Quoted Text JUDAS, more tattoo than man. He claims he’d fuck Jesus over again and twice on a Sunday.

More tattoo than man is great. The next line sounds super cool, but adds nothing, it's obviously not visual, but I also cant understand how it adds to his character. I love a good aside, this doesn't work though.

Quoted Text electric eel having an epileptic fit.

This one made me cringe.

Okay, by page 2 the asides are getting a bit much. Like I said, I love a good aside, when used sparingly and with purpose.

It's feeling like a Con Air setup.

Are we meant to like any of these characters? Every single one is detestable.

Quoted Text This is a GANGLER.

Hmm... okay, I'll play along.

Quoted Text HAILEY Justice is served. I banish thee! The gangler draws closer. She retreats until her back is pressed against the steel mesh. HAILEY It says in the book! Justice is served! I banish thee!

I'm so confused at this point.

Finished.

So where did the ganglers come from, how do they decide who gets their form of justice? Why was Hailey turned into one?

I just don't understand why so many things happened. Not one likeable character throughout so that gives you no one to root for.

It's another script where stuff just happens... because. These are my least favourite stories. You need to build a world and explain it, if you have a creature give us a reason it exists, a reason it does the things it does, and how it chooses a victim.

This didn't work for me, sorry.

All the best.

I thought the world was fairly well described. It was interesting for sure.

I'm a little confused on Hailey's relationship to the ganglers. Near the end, she seemed to be using them for her own ends... but, then why did she try and shoot it through the mesh?

The ending was nicely done. Didn't see that coming, and enjoyed the twist of it all.

The language was a bit distracting at the beginning. I'd suggest toning it back just a touch. Don't have to go full on Ned Flanders... but, pull it back just a bit.

Overall, good job, I'd say. It kept me interested, and the gangler angle was unique.

I'm torn with this one...

It's well written, but I think the aside and one liners in descriptions are a little too much at times, maybe tone it down in a revision?

But I was happy with it as the action was good and very visual, until...

The last few pages. I think the Ganglers ae some sort of justice demon that she knows how to banish is just too much of a stretch and then the Green Mile reveal re Burke... sorry didn't buy the ending at all.

Decent effort to that point though.

I was really liking this one until the ending, which just seemed to go off the rails.

Lots of asides, I'd cut back on them a bit. They are not all bad, but definitely a bit overdone.

Really good dialog. I was able to get a good feel for the characters in a short amount of time.

Liked the setting and the basic concept. Hell, I even liked the Ganglers... at least up until you reveal what they are. It just left me with more questions. Was Hailey planning on running into the Ganglers the whole time?

Still, a good effort here. I'd just rework the ending and cut back on the asides.

Fuck-rough-and tumble....what the hell does this mean?

You spell the word TASER one way and TAZER the next.

Some of the dialogue is good, others seem forced "Well shit me sideways" for instance is forced and unneeded in my opinion. The image of the Gangler driving is funny to me.

I think it would be nice to see the Gangler attack Perkins from the view of the back window in the bus. We don't see exactly what happens. I thought once it pounced on him we were going to move away - back to the bus, but you still on him for a bit with unneeded description of the attack.

Is the Gangler and animal? I don't see why they are trying to talk to it.

I think there would be more than two officers on this bus. One driver and two for prisoner control. One is too easy to overpower, especially with the characters you create in this piece.

I liked this one, well written and a good story. I can see it as part of a twilight zone episode or something. I think the Gangler at the end should just kill her, not turn her into one of them. I don't know why she would mute the tv either, she has a damn Gangler in her apartment!!!

How did the gangler know when to attack the bus? How did Hailey summon it? And were the other ganglers that appeared in the bus, really just transformed prisoners? I assume this is so because Hailey herself was turned into one at the end. So once the killing was done, did the ganglers return to the human body state? At the end are the ganglers operating independently of any control, and is this the end for the human race? If they only attack bad people, this is a sure way to figure out the good guys are. I think this has potential for a full script.

The line about perkins sweating in the arctic made me think they were driving in the arctic. It threw me for a bit. Cut down on the sides a bit like most have mentioned.

At the end when Hailey is telling Burke the story, some flashbacks would really be useful here. We could see how she came across the book. Right at the beginning, Hailey is reading the book and mumbling, is she summoning them at this point? If so that's too subtle, a flashback with the story VO would really shine the light on this and the ganglers, which are new and need a little explaining.

GANGLERS

Another stylised tongue-in-cheek horror. This reminds me a little of the spider one. An absurd situation and over-the-top characters, almost a caricature that gives it a comedy feel. Even more profanity in this one in an attempt to get us in the vibe. I get it, but at the same time, it almost feels a little forced. Particularly by page 6, where I am now.

'Cease and desist your skinny ass.' is where I would switch this off without a care in the world for the end. But then, I'm difficult to please. Maybe it's just me. I'll read on.

It feels like two stories. The OTT characters and a tongue-in-cheek situation that develops a serious tone for the end. The tonal shift is a little jarring. Other than that, it's fairly well told and very well written.

Storywise it was concise and clean, and I liked the twist at the end.  Nothing too original.  The dialogue was hit&miss for me.  It needs work.  Some lines I found cringe-worthy.  I won't nit pick too much.  The one note I do have is this...

...I would have never said to Picasso to cut it with the fancy colors and just draw a stick figure.  Like voice over and other debated about techniques, asides are in the writer's toolbox.  Asides are like adding spices to something. Like, I love me some turmeric. There are many, many dishes that are vastly improved by a small amount of turmeric. Too much ruins it, though. And some things should have none at all...

Oh, this right here; character intros in screenplays have always been one of those areas where the screenwriter gets a little leeway on the ultimate screenwriting principle of only write what you can see.  I loved yours.  It's usually how we handle ours.

Overall, if anything, I found this entertaining.  So kudos. -Andrea

Another script with this line of dialogue:
No, no no no no!

Using 'sat on' , '(is sat',') 'a picture of Burke stood...'  is uniquely a Brit thing. It'd be fine in dialogue but you use it in description. You're mixing past and present tense. But then you spell 'arse' as 'ass', so call me flummoxed as to your country of origin.

Some rather off-putting dialogue only because each and every character starts to sound like the same hard-arse and I found it a bit unimaginative and one-note.

As a by the by, watch out for:
His ‘large upper body dimensions’
restricts his view.
That'd be: restrict (singular), as in 'his dimensions restrict his view.' Why the quotation marks?

HAILEY
Hey! You know you ain’t supposed to
leave the...
Too late, he (Perkins) steps outside.
HAILEY
..bus. Fuck!

You should (imh learned opinion) use an emdash, not ellipses at this point. Ellipses are used commonly for a pause or trailing off of thought, - more sedate. An emdash is a more abrupt cutting off and often resuming with action interweaved, as in your example.

Both em-dashes (–) and ellipses (…) are used to indicate unfinished thoughts, but their uses differ slightly. Em-dashes are used to indicate a thought that ends abruptly, either because the speaker ended it that way for effect (“aposiopesis”), or because he or she was interrupted.

He claims he’d fuck Jesus over again and twice on a Sunday.
Wow, going all out with asides, particularly here.
There, and everywhere else too. Bit much imho.

As far as story goes I actually think this idea has promise. It's a good premise.
When the 'gangler' first appeared it was suspenseful. I felt what you wanted me to feel - nervous, dread. I think the story could have benefited by drawing that suspense out a bit more.

I would prefer if the description of the Gangler was more otherworldly /supernatural, v Rastafarian dressed in a burlap sack which was my first impression.

And please set this story at night.

I wanted to get behind your protagonist but sadly Hailey's not very likeable. She goes around zapping too many prisoners at the start seemingly just cause she can. Make her likeable then your denouement will resonate far more.

Justice seems to be the overwhelming theme with this and getting ones just desserts.
Just make sure the intended victim is indeed guilty, lest karma gets you in the end.  People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Still, even though she had a hand in it (bit confusing and preachy that final act section) Hailey wasn't responsible for convicting Henry in the first place.

I'd really like to read another (less rushed?) draft, one with perhaps more considered thought following the challenge, and one with a little less hoopla for effect,. Oh, and more contrasting characters.

All jmho.

The unfilmables really get in the way. It's hard to take the writing seriously when the writer doesn't take it seriously.

The dialogue is hit and miss, at times quite good and quite cheesy at others.

The action is pretty well written and it works, for the most part. I had a hard time picturing how she can shoot Judas, twice. The larger problem is, why did she really shoot at all? She isn't actually trying to shoot the gangler, is she?

The story is the strongest part of this. I like it a lot. The ending is terrific. Dance with the devil and you're gonna get burned.

With a good rewrite, this would be great.

Cheers for the read guys and I'm glad this placed highly in the end. This was my attempt to invent a new franchise and it's harder than I thought creating something where the rules are unknown.

I've already written another draft, a few less asides and when Hailey tells the story to Burke I've added some flashbacks to fill in the gaps.

Basically Hailey is pissed off at the system and comes across this old  book which tells her how to summon these justice demons who keep a low profile by making the deaths of their victims seem like accidents.

When she is on the bus, Judas pisses her off so she has a go at summoning them (which was in the original draft but it was really too subtle) - from that point on she has no idea what will happen (if anything) so is almost as surprised as the audience and starts to fear for her own life.

At the end, when it is revealed she has murdered an innocent she thought was guilty, her soul is condemned for all eternity to serve justice as a gangler.

Thanks again for the reads and constructive feedback.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Cheers for the read guys and I'm glad this placed highly in the end. This was my attempt to invent a new franchise and it's harder than I thought creating something where the rules are unknown.

This was definitely the issue for me. It would obviously be a lot easier in a feature where you can set the rules and motivations over a longer period of time. It's less of an issue with zombies, werewolves etc because we all have some understanding of the rules.

This didn't feel like you're writing at all, another one I would never have picked.

Sorry I didn't know what a jump seat was, that seemed to be a major issue for some :)

Great OWC

Love the distinctive dialog.

Love the unique gangler.

Would Perkins ask what do I do, or just hit the brakes? He would just hit the brakes. But this creates a writer's problem in that you want us to see it for a long moment. As the creature is fast, maybe they are watching it ahead on the side of the road and when the bus gets to it, it suddenly scurries into the road and under the bus.

Why does the gangler kill Perkins? Maybe that should be addressed? I understand that we need to see him die to raise the danger level...I mean why did the gangler kill him? Maybe show some reason he deserved justice.

In a few spots dialog was not needed, such as her reaction to the report on TV. Sometimes we know without the dialog.

Sat on a jump seat

I'm curious if you used the word sat instead of sitting because of an "ing" rule?

more tattoo than man

Loved that!

He claims he’d fuck Jesus over again and twice on a Sunday.

Now I support a judicious use of unfilmables. And I admire the writer's boldness in trying to keep us entertained with his descriptions. Maybe this one went too far. His religious views aren't apparent or evidenced in the dialog. Perhaps give him a satanic tattoo.

Excellent work! Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, I would have given it a consider vote. I'm slowing working my way through.

Just found out Ganglers has won best short horror screenplay at the Shriekfest Festival over in LA. :-)

Congrats, how much had that changed from the original?

Quoted from Warren Congrats, how much had that changed from the original?

I made some changes based on all the feedback, nothing major but minor nicks and tucks here and there. I love the OWC, all the feedback helps turn it into a decent draft!