Beyond the Sea by Delta Weanmyth - Short, Horror - Howard ventures out to sea to look for his sister after he discovers a survivor from her boat's wreckage. What he finds out there is something far worse… 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is the first one I opened. Always like horror at sea. ;D

Solid writing, no problems following along. Dialog is pretty good for the most part, although Richard's first line was a little awkward.

Some pretty cool images with the transformations, but as soon as you revealed that Francis was bit I knew where this was heading.

I think you could have milked some more suspense out of the sequence where Howard climbs up the mast. Maybe some of the creatures start to climb up after him?

I like this one all the way up until the end, but the reveal of the big monster thing kinda takes the wind out of the sails for me. I think it'd be way creepier if it ended with Howard floating in the water while the rescue boat approaches in the distance.

Not bad at all though. Good start to the challenge. :)

I liked this. I'm a sucker for seafaring tales and sirens. The ultimate sea creature was a bit hard for me to picture but everything else was described nicely.

Mr. should be spelled out as Mister and it might help to say the he was from Maine or Mass, depending on what you intended for the written dialog. At first I thought it was just bad spelling until I realized you were going for an accent or dialect.

The ending was kind of confusing on the rescue boat as they had gills but were out of water. Maybe I missed something?

Good job, writer.

And here we have another entry at sea, the third with a Lovecraft nod, although this is more direct. That's not a bad thing, but I'm starting to wonder if the peeps are on some Lovecraft vibe. It's also the second Lovecraft themed story at sea which features a character who tests my patience due to "phonetic dialog" where words are intentionally misspelled because the writer wants the character speaking a certain way. Mr Phillips is the offender here, and it's overkill. What's that reality series? Swamp People? That's how I think Mr Phillips is sounding like.

About the Lovecraft thing. What are the odds that two characters have the names "Howard" and "Phillips" on a boat named Lovecraft. They happen to run into a ghost ship named Dunwich.

At least you deliver the goods. Script really kicks in when Emma is found. Sea creatures, mermaids, now we are talking! What started out as something I was losing intrest in, suddenly does a 180 and turns it around for the better.

Nice job overall

Do we have a Lovecratian take here?

The dialogue from Mr. Phillips is OK, but I bet some will HATE it.  I appreciate the attempt.

Whenever you have a peson's name in dialogue, it needs to be set off with a comma(s).

Page 3 - my main gripe so far is not knowing where in the Hell we're supposed to be.  Why does Mr Phillips sound so different from everyone else here?

The Dunwich - HA!  Lovecraftian, indeed!

Page 5 - "in" - "is"

"FISHING BOAT" - Slug should be the name of the boat.

Page 6 - "the spider" - What spider?  Did I miss something?

Page 7 - "UNDERWATER" - No, need a much better Slug here.

Things are heading downhill fast, here.  Too wacky and redonkulous for me.  Just too much going on with absolutely no explanation as to why.

Writing is OK, but dull, and not as visual as it appears to be.  You describe some things in great detail, while others, like setting your scenes are overlooked.

You met the challenge and overall, this is not a bad effort.

***

Hi writer,

Quoted Text RICHARD R'lyeh. The ancient one will be pleased with you as a sacrifice.

What???

This script suffers from the same issues as a few I've read now, going back to this...

Quoted Text FRANCIS She’s infected. She’s one of them.

What infection? What caused it, why now, who is the ancient one? What is going on???

I'll say it again, and maybe I should prefix this with, I believe. I believe that stories need a purpose, a reason for happening. Stuff that just happens because doesn't hold my interest because I get caught up trying to make heads or tails of what is going on and why.

Sure it's quite well written, lots of horror, and some good suspense, but the story just doesn't do it for me. I'm left with too many questions that will never be answered. I'll add that of course a story can be left ambiguous and with some questions unanswered, that can actually enhance the story sometimes, but here I have no understanding as to why any of it occurred.

All the best.

Okay, so the sort of sub-genre is telegraphed in the second para with the boat being called The Lovecraft and then confirmed later on with Dunwich... not sure this is the best choice as it seems a little jokey and not sure you were going for this?

Mr Phillips and his accent, everyone seems to have a different take on him, I thought he was Irish?

"That’s not good." - Great understatement, made me chuckle.

Warren - story somewhat assume you know a bit of Lovecrafts work... R'lyeh is a sunken city if memory serves for example.

I think this reads well, dare I say it Lovecraftian but it's a pretty specific sub-genre and I couldn;t quite work out if you were paying homage or parodying?

Liked it though.

Generally solid writing and met the challenge.  I do think it is missing some back story  . E.g why was Emma out there? What was the purpose of the journey? etc.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Warren - story somewhat assume you know a bit of Lovecrafts work... R'lyeh is a sunken city if memory serves for example.

I don't, so I feel my point is even more valid. I think some more explanation as to why things are happening would help people like me, unless of course the writer is only targeting a very particular audience, which is also fine, but makes it hard to get votes from someone like me in an OWC  :P

Quoted from Warren I don't, so I feel my point is even more valid. I think some more explanation as to why things are happening would help people like me, unless of course the writer is only targeting a very particular audience, which is also fine, but makes it hard to get votes from someone like me in an OWC  :P

You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short.

You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.

Quoted from Dreamscale You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short. You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.

I don't.

Quoted from Warren I don't.

I see that.

This is a solid entry. The writing is quite good overall, though it does suffer from some typos and that awful phonetic dialogue. Leave it for the actors.

I think you nailed the Lovecraft vibe. The tone is spot on, and so are the visuals. You can go further with the tentacles. I found the scale was a little lacking when you introduce them. And you can really give that eye scale, it should be bigger than the boat. Much bigger.

The ending is a little weak, only because of the time delay. All the tension of the last scene is gone when he wakes up. I do like the rest though, the reveal of the sacrifice and his bowing in the face of something so unfathomably monstrous he can't help it.

You could have skipped the direct references. It would have been better if you had. Those who know Lovecraft would get it, those who don't would appreciate it (or not) based on its own merit.

I did find the beginning a little clunky, but the tension began immediately and I was drawn in despite it. There are a couple of lines that also confounded me ("Immediate rejection hits him?" Should that be recognition?) and repetition isn't always a good thing (Howard says hell back to back in dialogue), but those are minor things.

Overall, one of my faves so far. Nicely done.

Very nice. But naming the boats The Lovecraft and The Dunwich is a sure giveaway as to what your intentions are.  Let the writing speak for itself.

BEYOND THE SEA

I've found most of the description lacking in flow up till now.

Code Howard stands back up and tucks the pistol into his pants. He looks back out to the sea.

The above is overwritten.

Howard stands, tucks the pistol into his pants, and looks out to sea.

OK. So due to some 'Eye' monster in the lake, everyone in contact with it are becoming infected and turning into killer fish creatures (Deep Ones?). It's very Lovecraftian because it is Lovecraftian. Not saying you stole it, but you matched the tone and managed to re-tell one of his stories by tweaking a few things here and there. It's good. I enjoyed it. Nothing wrong with adapting, modernising, sampling, or whatever you want to call it, so long as you put an original spin on it and you have. The writing needs a good edit and a bit of extra sparkle added, but for a week's work, this is forgivable.

One of the better scripts. In third place on my list. Nice job.

Have heard of Lovecraft (did he have a brother called Loveboat? Aha ha oops) but never read any of it so I only have a vague sense of what this is all about   Its well written but still needs some type of super   It could be set in any number of country’s oceans I guess.

I skimmed I have to admit  Didn’t really float my boat (lol)

A nice homage to Lovecraft but as it was such an obvious homage I could see where this was going so there were no surprise and I felt myself skimming.  Nice writing, a bit overwritten in parts but that’s just personal taste. The dialogue in the opening pages reads like exposition. The dialogue in general is awkward and unnatural throughout, it’s more like a stage play in parts.

Meets the criteria though for me, good job.

Hello Writer

Mr Phillips - "dis, dat" - I can't imagine what kind of accent you are going for here, to me it doesn't fit his character or description - I'm getting more of a young council estate vibe from him - Know what I'm sayin' bruv?

Unneeded (shouting) especially coupled with the CAPS in dialogue.

You miss a few slugs - you move to another boat while under the slug of the other boat. You move to the surface while under the slug of underwater.

How does the tentacle destroy the cabin? must be big - but the other was smaller because it wrapped around someone's neck - two creatures? or an inconsistency

Quoted Text How...ard....help....me...

I don't know what is normal when writing broken dialogue - but I personally find this way to be messy. I'd go with how-ard help-me - that's just my preference.

Howard is on the fishing boat, but climbs a damaged mast - the fishing boat has an engine and so, no mast - the other boat has the mast, I think you got him in the wrong location.

Ok Finished.

The writing was just OK for me - room for improvement, I was jarred by the action a bit.

Love the story, old school horror at it's best. Confused about the sacrifice part - that creature at the end was there the whole time right? so why take Howard from the wreckage that the creature caused, to then present him to the creature?

Didn't get a sense of prolonged suspense as per the requirements, so a point lost there. plenty of horror though, good use of a prominent vehicle, so added points there.

Good job

Matt

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Howard is on the fishing boat, but climbs a damaged mast - the fishing boat has an engine and so, no mast - the other boat has the mast, I think you got him in the wrong location.

Boats can have both and in this case I would assume the mast helps with the large nets to catch fish. Maybe it's called something else though?

Good suspense in my books and the horror is the best part. The writing is bland in some areas but visually cool in others.

Heavy on the Lovecraft and it appears some people just don't get it.

I enjoyed it, room for improvement though.

This was decent.

In response to the other readers' thoughts on Mr. Philips accent, he is clearly a drunk Jamaican.

Some typos here and there and a few descriptions are a little clunky and lacking any flair. Example:

Quoted Text IN THE FOG The fog is dense.

Suspense is good. Checks the horror box. With another draft or two, polishing the action and dialogue this would be a neat script.

Last but not least.

Sorry, not up to speed on this "Lovecraft" vibe, but I was intrigued to learn.  Unfortunately, I don't have much feedback to give you. I scanned some of the comments and largely agree with what's been said, so some of this may sound repetitive; some of it is just my take. I ended up enjoying the premise here, and your writing has a nice flow/readability to it.  Good use of the fog.   All the dialogue seems like something I would hear in a movie.  But also,  in a couple of instances it seemed liked if the characters said less, it would amp up the tension.  The ending was just ok for me.  

Not sure I got the Lovecraft thing, but overall, nice job.

I just wanted to point out that there is no spider in this Dreamscale, she does a spider like crawl along the boat.

Sorry Warren was so anti this script. I have a few ideas to turn this into a feature. Which would obviously dive deeper into mythology and explain a few things.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect I just wanted to point out that there is no spider in this Dreamscale, she does a spider like crawl along the boat. .

Yes, I see that now.  My bad.  Sorry.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect Sorry Warren was so anti this script. I have a few ideas to turn this into a feature. Which would obviously dive deeper into mythology and explain a few things.

I wasn't anti your script at all. It just got dragged into a discussion about prior knowledge of Lovecraft's work and how it affects the read for certain people.

It was a well written script, but I don't know the backstory and that did affect the read for me. I still think that's an acceptable response.

This script impressed a fair few people who did and didn't have knowledge of Lovecraft. You are never going to please everyone all of the time, especially if you draw on work that people don't know.

I'm not your audience, so my comments should be the ones that you worry about the least.

In another OWC with a topic I enjoy, and your writing chops I might love what you do.

Take the good with the bad and move on.