I Dream Of The Devil by D - Short, Horror - On a rainy night, two men meet to discuss a peculiar, recurring dream. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The V.O. over black beginning is a temptation most writers (myself included) cannot seem to resist. But ask yourself, what would you as a viewer think watching a black screen as some mystery person waffles on? Just food for thought there.

At the beginning you introduce, what 5 characters and it feels repetitive. Just introduce the ones that are going to talk to each other for now and the others if they come into the story.

Page 2 and I’m guessing D is the devil and Jimmy is in hell reliving the accident.

Got to the end and yeah, he’s in hell stuck in a constant loop.

Not bad, no surprises and it got weird in the car, but I think you ticked all the boxes of the OWC. Not my cup of tea but that’s just personal preference. Nice effort.

-Mark

I see hints of my own OWC entry with this one.  A man lost in purgatory, re living the nightmare over and over.  Good visuals at the diner with the old man and the cook.  Very depressing.  But I feel you could've taken it a step or two further.  Really amped up the concept of the world's most depressing roadside diner.  

I felt this could've used an extra few pages.  There are no real twists or surprises.  As soon as you see the name "D" you know it's the Devil tormenting this man.  

This would've worked better if, in the diner with D, our protagonist doesn't specifically mention the hit and run.  Too many details here.  He should only hint at what's happened in the past and the growing sense of remorse that he feels.  

That way, when he does have the encounter with the little girl in the road, along with the body bag in the backseat, and D next to him, we can start piecing it all together ourselves.  Really feel that separation between the mother and daughter.  It would be a much more involving story that makes us think.  

It would also be a better pay off in the end when he see he must re live this painful experience, over and over.   As it stands now, we already know what's gonna happen when he gets in the Mustang.  No surprises or suspense there.    

But a great idea that could be developed further.  

I needed a break and picked this since it was only five pages. It seemed like ten. Very transparent and it contained no great revelations. Maybe call it 'Dee's Diner' as Dante just gives it away.

It was well constructed and with a complete story. I just wanted a surprise.

Cracked this open. I like anything Devilish.

The opening VO doesn't feel organic, instead I feel like it's just there to set up the story. Put this on a TV in the diner instead of over black.

"D" as a name, so weird and such a giveaway.

Dante's Diner. Everything is so on the nose so far.

Page 3 and we only just got the car.

Not feeling any suspense. Not sure what's going on, the action is a little clunky.

Formatting was fine. No complaints there.

Not much of a story, really but if you fleshed it out you may have something.

Well written, but the story doesn't pull me in. Maybe because Jimmy basically tells us what's going to happen, then it does.

The story relies on the twist at the end -- the loop -- but, you could feel it coming, so, it lacked the punch you'd expect.

Again, well written, but the story lets this one down.

First one I've read, though, that I'd consider horror. (I've read 6 so far.) So, kudos for that!

Hi writer,

It was... okay. Ticked all the boxes in terms of the challenge and the writing was good. The story was just okay though. Nothing really new, nothing that really stood out.

I do think you give us a bit too much to piece the story together along the way, so the ending is less of a twist and more of a plot point we are waiting for. Maybe that was your intent?

All the best.

Good title, and a shorter script is a good way to get random OWC reads.  Some of the action in the car was hard to follow, but well-written on the whole.

I would remove "alleged" from the opening VO. A kind of stupid fine point, but I mean, it was or it wasn't. For your slugs, I would just go with DINER and save the Dante reveal until we actually see the sign at the end.  You're giving a lot away with your current choice. Also with the slugs, not sure you are using CONTINUOUS correctly. I would get rid of those near the end as I don't really see where they are adding anything.

This was fine handling of a familiar trope, and just as long as it needed to be.  A good OWC effort.

Thought this was well written but some of the 'revelations' were telegraphed from the start.

Wasn't convinced there was a lot of suspense in it but ces't la vie.

A decent effort that I think could be punched up with a re-write and a consideration of some of the suggestions above.

Well written for the most part. I didn't really care for the character named D. I would have given him a real name. But that's in a real minor issue. I believe the parameters we're hit. Good job on entering.

Yeah I can’t add much to the other reviews. It was competently written so the writer knew what he was trying to get out of the story. The description of the decrepit cafe and its lost inhabitants was good.

Fair effort but just needed something in it to make it sing

Jimmy deserves his fate -- to re-live the accident for all eternity, but the Woman and Girl don't. And Jimmy can't be punished unless the other two are there to re-live their suffering as well. While I'm sure the Devil is okay with this, I can't see how God (you can't have one without the other) would permit it. But what do I know what those two dudes are okay with.

The fact that I had more sympathy for the devil than Jimmy is neither here nor there.  As I read I kept thinking, "I've watched all these scenes before. I've met all these characters, before. In many movies."  The actual writing is good but it seems like you're recreating movies you've liked rather than digging a little deeper to find the movie only you can write.  If that makes sense.  But it's not that big a deal. It's the OWC.

Not a fan of how you started with that (V.O.). Obviously this is a technique that lots of people have used effectively for a long time - but here, I think the story would still work without it.

One other thing -- Just because it's the next scene doesn't mean that it's continuous action.

Just my 2 cents.  Overall a very good entry nonetheless.

Hello writer

The writing was good, followed it easily and could see everything clearly.

The story was simple but good. The Devil making someone replay what they did over and over again.

It could do with not being so obvious from the beginning - Dante's Diner, a character called D. I think you could play around with it to make it less obvious, so the reveal hits us better.

I was a little confused about what he actually did - did he run over the mother or the child? I think it was the mother - but in the dream, the child is in the road - I think it would be more impactful if we saw the actual act of what got him here - him running over the mother. Just me.

I'm also assuming, that because he explains the dream to D, then lives it, over and over again, his memory is wiped or something? otherwise, every time he steps into the diner he would know that D is the guy from the dream? I dunno, maybe I'm missing something.

I had no feel for suspense though - you could play around with redemption - the Devil gives him a chance to replay the event, but change his fate - create a "will he/won't he run her over again" kind of suspense - but ultimately, the Devil is messing with him and he inevitably kills them, over and over again - I'm rambling

Well done on completing the challenge

Matt

I DREAM OF THE DEVIL

A good director could do a lot with this in terms of atmospherics. It's easy to film and is well-trodden 'safe' ground - which is its downfall in terms of this challenge. This script isn't written to impress any of us, and that's fine. It's never going to win this challenge and wasn't written to do so. It's written with production in mind.

Hopefully, it finds a good home.

Reminded me of the film Dead End starring Ray Wise.

This had no surprises for me and lacked a descriptive atmosphere. You spend more time describing people in the diner that have no purpose to the story than the diner itself. I think they should be swapped.

More pages can add more flavour here. This isn't an original story, it's been done to death, but you should put your spin on it a bit more. Have more back and forth between Jimmy and D, the silence is boring to me.

It's well written, as others have said, but I feel like it will simply get lost in the pile by the end of the day as nothing really "stands" out.

Page 1 - Something is WAY off with your software!  Look how many blank lines there are before your OVER BLACK.  Look into what the issue is and get it fixed.

The whole OVER Black thing doesn't really work as written at all, as no one knows who's telling us this.  How in the world would we know it's a newscaster?  Lose it!

WAY to many spaces after your FADE IN, also.  Something is seriously wrong or you're padding this for some reason with blank lines.

"DANTE'S DINER" - Really?  Oh boy...I wonder what's gonna happen here...   ;D ;D ;D

Why is there a space before your period in the 1st passage?

"D"?  Oh man..c'mon now.  Did you realize how obvious all this is?

"windscreen"?  A Brit, obviously.

Wow...look at your sentence structure.  Literally almost every single line begins with a character's name, or he, followed by the action they're doing.  Writing is just not good at all, and this is so obvious, so cliche, so been there, seen this, I'm actually kind of surprised.

This is a tedious read.  Damn...you'd think this would read so quickly, but it's like reading a shopping list over and over.

All this "stuff" happening in the car is beyond wow.  Like, WTF is going on?  This is a Mustang, for Christ's sake.  You know how small the back seat is?  None of this could be going on and no way to film it...or see it.

The End.  Well, I read the whole thing, but it was a real chore and a real bore.  This has been done to death and nothing here makes it feel any different.  No likeable characters, no surprises.  Not for me.

*

What can be done here to make this different? That's one question to ask.

Let's look at the logline:

>On a rainy night, two men meet to discuss a peculiar, recurring dream.

It has me thinking that a discussion is taking place. It's not.

The title isn't right. The dream is not of the devil, but of a dead mother and daughter.

The period being off on pg 1 is so minor, but so obvious it's unsettling. I know. Groans.

I had to ask why you only chose "D" as a name. It's too easy.

The use of "already" etched on his arms is weak wording.

Jimmy's dialogue on pg 2 should be shown as a flashback dream sequence perhaps with V.O.

I liked Jimmy's reaction shot early on with D in the diner. When Jimmy's looking away. This was really strong and well done for me. It caught him perfectly.

I don't know Paint it Black



The shots of the cook and the other drugged guy are good images. Try and capitalize on this.

Who is Jimmy? Is he a druggie? Was he? Does he have any chance at leaving this hell? Maybe he does. Maybe there's a slim chance at a way out or something.

What needs to happen here is for Jimmy to have some kind of motive. As it stands he's just a guy yelling, "You sick, Bastard" type thing without a chance in Hell ( ;D sorry I had to) to get outta there.

Good for entering and this is a good start fo more to come.

This is better than I thought it was going to be.

The opening is a little rigid, the descriptions could use some work and the dialogue isn't all that great. It is memorable though, which is important for the end.

The car ride itself was the center piece, which is what you were probably going for. You created suspense with the foreshadowing, and I like the variations this go around, which you also foreshadowed. I like the stylized technique, especially with the body bag. Kind of David Lynch.

The only confusing part for me is why is the woman being punished too? Because she's as much in hell as Jimmy if she's forced to live through this over and over again. Or is she the manifestation of his guilt?

The length suits it, the tone and pace are good, there's nothing bloated about it and nothing really missing. Nicely done, I like it.