The Furnace Of War by A.N.Other - Short, Horror - A WW2 bomber crew face a new kind of enemy over the skies of Germany, 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A WWII ghost story.  I always enjoy the coming together of two very opposite worlds.  Much like Overlord which seemed to do very well last year.   A lot of word of mouth for how different and unique a horror film it was.  

Here, you have this big opening voice over about the phantom pilot who walks the demolished streets of Dresden.  He eventually finds his plane unscathed on a nearby runway.  

And then we cut to the bombers chatting it up for multiple pages about the demon ghost of Dresden who has been seen exacting his revenge.  And then they are inevitably shot down by said demon ghost.  No surprises here.  

But I enjoyed their back and forth n the bomber and found it very well written and smart in places.  There just needs to be a couple twists or some sort of pay off that we don't see coming a mile away.    

Interesting...the third WWII entry so far. Are there more? I loved the idea of this taking place on a bomb run. It made me think of the segment in the original Heavy Metal movie. Very cool.

Great premise and a lot of build up. I wish the encounter with the ME110 was more than it was. No real confrontation, it just happens.

Great writing and format; no issues at all. Excellent work, writer.

Another war script?  What the heck?  This makes like 3?

OK, looks like your software has a problem with your Slugs - no space after INT. or EXT. - check into it.

Also a problem with your V.O.'s - no period after the "O".

Who is Walters?  We have no idea, yet he's giving an awful lot of VO info.

What's with the POV?  POV of what?  Does it just go on the rest of the script?

Some typos and mistakes popping up already on Page 1.

OK, so if everything on Page 1 is set in Dresden, why don't we know that until the end of the VO's?  You name it CITY STREETS and the city.  If it's Dresden, you need to label it as such.

Page 2 is kind of a mess - way too much going on with the intros and jargon most won't understand.  Is Lancaster a certain plane?  You need to tone it down.

I'm skimming now, as there is just way too much meaningless banter going on and although I think the dialogue is actually very well written, it's not doing anything for me.

I mean, damn...it's just page after page of nothing but dialogue, and it's all war/history related...it's very dull and boring, sorry to say.

I kind of skimmed but read the end all the way through.  It's good. It's well written overall, with some issues you can easily clean up.  It's well thought out and executed, but you need to seriously do something about the middle section with all those talking heads and dialogue that few will find entertaining.

I think it meets the parameters of the challenge quite well and although there is definitely horror here, for me, it's a little light, as the ghost dude uses his plane to kill, and because of that, we don't see the horror, like we would if it were a creature or the like.

***1/2

Another WWII script, what are the odds!

As pointed out there seems to be some quirks with your software.

I'm not keen personally on all the V.O. doesn't do it form me, but I do like the idea of a ghost Nazi pilot - nice.

In the banter between them in the bomber, I/C seems to be used and dropped without a pattern I can discene, is there a reason it keeps dropping?

I think the dialogue is okay, but there's too much of it imho, I think you couldprune this quite a bit and lose nothing. As it is it spoils the pace in the middle a little.

But the story picks up again towards the end and I like the conclusion.

Good effort

A lot of good effort went into this story. It's not the quickest read because it's very dense in dialog. I don't read scripts often anymore, so the problem could be partly on my end. It's very, very hard to master the form of spec screenwriting where you can pull the writer in, hold him, and make the pages flow nice and quick. Very few people here can do that, but I think that's really the goal when it comes to mastering this form of writing.

The ghost plane is an early jet, which would have had enormous advantage in battle against propeller craft, yet it also has supernatural powers. Or maybe it doesn't.. Maybe the point of the story was that Allied fighters started to see the mysterious new jets as having supernatual powers. But I'm pretty sure the Allied pilots were well aware of the new jet tech the Germans had.

I don't think the burning plane would have become "liquid metal".

Anyway, I like the idea of a Nazi ghost plane. If there really is something supernatural about it, might be better if it's not a jet. The dialog was good in places, though as I said very dense.

Another WW2 horror tale. That's not a bad thing,
So far, none of them are bad. That includes yours.
But that doesn't mean I have a few minor nitpicks.Well,okay, one big one off the top.

Quoted Text It’s like the whole world is on fire.

Just think--one full page devoted to visualizing this one line. I think the line isn't really needed, Dresden's toast. I get that. And why not just say EXT. DRESDEN STREETS or SUPER - DRESEDEN - GERMANY - FEBRUARY 13 1945 ?

Quoted Text All are English except for the New Zealander Hipworth and the Canadian Ratcliffe.

Important information due to knowing each character's dialect. I don't know why we need to know the ranking, I'm under the impression that they all wear the same uniform jackets? Anyway, the information about their origins, specifically Waters and Lawson, causes a slight problem. Waters does the opening narration VO. At no point here do you indicate he's British.
Lawson says 'ok' (p3) but he's supposed to be British too. (Ok is an American expression)

What's with the _ after "Jimmy said" (p3) also see p6 .10 and 11.

Quoted Text He breaks into giggles

Maybe it's just me but...when I think of giggles I think small young girls, not young soldiers. By the way, Jones is 28. Lawson is 25. (""The skipper is right, son")

When the action happens, you keep putting in LATER. How much later? That includes the LATER when they go into the storm cloud and out of it.

A character starts screaming. Just write screams instead of starts screaming.

Overall, this script is really good, It's on of my faves.

Ah the third WW2 one! And set in a bomber which is cool too.

Yeah fair effort. Got a little bit talky but I guess there wasn't much else going in the bomber on route to the target. I googled Chemnitz and learned it was actually bombed on the date mentioned so the writer obviously did a lot of research into it, which shows in the names, ranks, etc.  Dresden is very well known for what happened there so I didn't need to google it.

I was a little confused with the slugs and setting and use of I/C. Like Anthony I wondered why Jones and Lawson didn't have it as I/c but my OCD kicked in and I realised they are in a separate location - the cockpit - and thus in scene.  Something like that anyway.   But overall i dug it so good job to the writer

This is a very meaty script, perhaps too much meat for a suspenseful horror.

Also too much dialogue IMO but I do like the writing on display here.

I just feel like you could cut out the VO and the chatter and reduce the page count so it's more lean and moves faster.

Great writing and I like the suspense and action when things got going but did not get much of a horror vibe throughout. More war thriller perhaps?

Hi writer,

Is there really anything left to explore around WWII horror. we’ve had zombies, monsters, ghosts, experiments, the general horror of war, probably werewolves. Hoping I'm surprised.

Quoted Text Warrant Officer JONES(28)- Pilot; Sgt.LAWSON(25) - Flight Engineer; Flight Sgt.HIPWORTH(25) - Bomb aimer/Front Gunner; Sgt.RATCLIFFE(26) - Upper Gunner; Sgt.WALTERS(20) - Tail Gunner; Flight Sgt.SEDGELY(27) - Radio Operator; Sgt.BAXTER(21) - Navigator.

It's highly unlikely that I will remember what each of these guys do. Would obviously not be a problem on screen.

The first few pages are so dialogue heavy with no action at all to break it up. On-screen this would just be talking heads, not a very exciting picture. It’s also a lot of exposition.

Jesus Christ should be capitalised.

Started skimming on the dialogue a bit.

So, I'm definitely not your target audience as I'm very much over the WWII angle. It seemed to have all the element necessary for the OWC, but it didn’t manage to hold my attention, which probably says more about me than the script.

All the best.

The VO at the beginning is awkward, not just because of the typos – is it needed? You have a character talking WALTERS and we’ve no idea who he is as he’s not been introduced. Can you make the action speak for itself? This is a question always worth asking yourself before resorting to VO.

The action is a tad overwritten. This is reading very much like a short story.

Lots of old English banter, maybe too much. It doesn’t feel natural . I’d lose the I/C as well as it is not standard format and it a bit distracting.

Apart from that it is well written, just predictable. For a script that would cost millions to produce you want unexpected twists, turns and the for reader to go ooooh! at the end, this didn’t do that for me but it certainly felt quite authentic.

Okay, I liked the flavor of this. The imagery just pops off the page.  So good stuff.  Some of the action seems unnecessarily wordy, like "It’s like the whole world is on fire."  I think it's clear you can write, the dialogue is fine, things moved along nicely.  I just felt it could do with a little something unexpected.  It all feels a bit safe. I wanted a surprise, a shock.  Didn't get it.  Oh well.

However, I did enjoy this very much.

THE FURNACE OF WAR

Code POV while walking of the huge firestorm...

POV of the firestorm?

Code But one airworthy plane was found...

He's dead and walking around looking for vengeance yet he needs an airworthy plane?

Code The sight of three hundred RAF bombers flying across the North Sea is majestic under the full moon.

Majestic? I suppose that depends on perspective. I wouldn't find it majestic, I'd find it horrifying. Even if they were not bombing me, I'd be thinking of all those they were about to.

Code INT.LANCASTER COCKPIT - NIGHT Jones and Lawson at the controls of the bomber. The view is amazing as the streams of aircraft cross the Dutch coast.

It's night... what view?

pages 5 and 6 - the talking is too much so I'm skipping. Actually, due to those 2 pages I feel as if the story has already been told and can stop here. Not my thing.

The story is likely decent but just not something I could watch all the way through - or even switch on in the first place. So... skip to the end... and the ghost wins. Great. That puts the score up.

Hello writer

Might just be me, but I found the descriptions a little awkward on the first page - Images didn't pop into my mind, I had to struggle to visualize.

"Is seen" - It's a movie, we [i][see/i] everything you tell us

Who's POV am I supposed to be seeing here? I think it's a person walking through the fire but it's not clear.

The VO really takes away from this scene to be honest - personally, I would keep it just as visuals.

So we are dealing with a ghost here driving a plane - The plane is normal though right, it's not a ghost plane. Would it not be better for us to find out for ourselves we are dealing with a ghost, rather than tell us?

Dialogue is a bit overdone - Keep it light and sharp, for example

Quoted Text LAWSON The skipper is right, son. Probably dreamed up by Goebbels himself. They can see the war is all but lost. So they spread these stories via the radio or leaflet drops hoping to scare young men like you and Baxter.

All that end bit is not needed - we have already been told they suspect it's propaganda - no need to then tell us again and explain what propaganda is.

Holy crap there's more dialogue - it's like it never ends lol I'm gonna skip it - If I still understand the story then it's clear all this dialogue isn't necessary

Quoted Text Half the mass of bombers peel off towards Eastern Germany; the rest continue on to Hanover.

How can we see where they are headed? - unless it was in the dialogue I skipped, but if it was in the dialogue then this would be double information.

Just checked my page - page 9 - ghost hasn't shown up, no sign of horror or suspense yet...

Quoted Text Without warning, the Lanc emerges from the smoke cloud

Why the without warning part? not needed

Liquid metal? that's not likely is it

Ok finished.

Personally, the writing needs a lot of restructuring - Wasn't easy for me to follow. There was no horror for me and no suspense.

Way too much build up, dialogue - not enough actual event with the ghost Nazi - I was hoping for some kind of scary paranormal dog fight but it never came.

Excellent job picking a unique vehicle and making it prominent in your story - bonus points for that.

The idea is also great. I like that you used an actual event (Dresden bombing) as the basis for the ghost story - you could take this in some great directions, I think the one you did take it in was the wrong one.

Well done for completing the challenge

Matt

EDIT: forgot to add, I skipped like a page and a half of dialogue in the beginning and still knew exactly what was happening - seriously cut that down to really tighten your story - image sitting down and watching 3 minutes of people just blabber on, it will be boring on screen.

This is quite good, but it could be so much better.

I don't have an issue with the opening V.O. It's done well and it has purpose. It definitely should be stated that it's Dresden right from the start, and you need more headings, at the very least for the airfield and plane. The tone is excellent here, it really sets the stage nicely.

What follows directly undermines that tone. The witty banter and comraderie goes on way too long, and it's full of unnecessary exposition. Cut the chatter, get on mission, and come back to it when they're alone in the sky and that creepy feeling comes back. Maybe use Baxter's prodding for the rest of the story to pick it back up, or maybe they start to see wisps of smoke at first so Walters continues the tale, prompted by it.

The attack itself is over so quickly it's a let down. One shot kill, not much of a climax. Did they even try evasive maneuvers?

I didn't notice a connection between this bomber and the attack on Dresden. The implication is there is a connection, otherwise the revenant wouldn't attack them, but I expected someone to say something about it or at least visibly react to the revelation that only bombers involved in that bombing were being targeted. Did I miss it?

Does the title have a meaning I'm missing? It's not informative at all.

And if there are no survivors, how are new details of the attacks surfacing?

The tone and dialogue are strong throughout. The rest needs work, but overall it's a great war ghost story.

Loved most of this except for the dialogue pg. 5-7 which I think could be tightened up considerably. The descriptions were great. Built to an atmosphere of dread.

The ending didn't leave me satisfied. It was a lot of (skillful) build up for a very short confrontation that goes as expected, unkillable force obliterates them.

To me, Walters is the perfect opposition for this vengeful, hate-filled spirit. Walters seems the least bloodthirsty, most humane of the group. So you have the terrified, innocent rookie going up against the ultimate vengeful spirit. Maybe he takes the gunner spot as all hope seems lost... he could still lose... but at least give us hope before you crush it so the final battle is more of a roller coaster.

Overall, great job!

Good ghost story. Nice dialogue, but there was too much of it. The story that Walters and then Smith relate make a great story to tell over a beer in a pub, but that works better in a short story than in a movie. Perhaps some of the dialogue could be worked in over shots of the Luftwaffe pilot exploring more of Dresden the night it burned.

Dialogue needs to be swapped out for action. Basically, the telling of the ghost story in dialogue (way too much exposition) kills any suspense when the actual attack happens. That's because the attack lines up exactly with what you've told us. That is, you tell us what's going to happen, then it does.

Much better if you would have shown us the origin story through action.

I love me a good WW2 bomber story, so, kudos for giving me a pretty good one.

The dialogue that wasn't exposition was pretty snappy.

Oh, and, maybe you need to establish the history of this particular bomber. As far as we know, they weren't involved in the offending act... so, the ghost would spare them. However, what if the bomber itself was... but, this is a different crew? That would be fun.