A Pinch by ---- - Short, Horror - Alcohol, tobacco and firearms. What could go wrong? 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a pretty decent read, Your dialogue/descriptions were tight and concise. Loved the parallel between the elk bugling and the wolves howling. The ending was good, satisfying too. Good work!

Quoted from DanBall This was a pretty decent read, Your dialogue/descriptions were tight and concise. Loved the parallel between the elk bugling and the wolves howling. The ending was good, satisfying too. Good work!

Agreed.  When the wolf runs off at the end, you just know he's screwed.  One thing I notice in this script, as with most of the OWC scripts I've read today, there's lots of describing what the character thinks and feels.  Only show us what can be filmed.  But this is a minor nitpick and there wasn't too much of this to be a problem.    

And what's most unsatisfying about a lot of short scripts like this, there is no real build up of tension or character for us to care about their journey.  There could be a man vs. beast or man vs. nature and survival type story here.  

As it is now, it's just circumstance, a few drinks and dumb luck that leads these two dudes into the unfortunate position they find themselves in.  

As a story, I didn't care too much.  But very strong writing skills and the ending itself was pretty satisfying .  

Not bad. It's The Grey meets The Edge.

I would have liked to see the guys a bit smarter. As is I didn't care too much. If they're clever and circumstances conspire against them and then you up the suspense because of them being ingenious in dire circumstances I'll be right behind them hoping they're going to make it against the odds.

Lander throws the only two weapons at his disposal - the knife and the bottle. Huh? Not smart. I do not want this guy in my life raft.

I don't think you did yourself any favours either with a line like this:

No! My legs! I can't feel my legs!

Suggests what you've written is tongue in cheek and a wink and a nod to your audience.

Watch out for descriptions like:
He begins to frown.
He frowns or grimaces,. That'll do on its own.

Not bad, like I said. I just feel it coulda' been a whole lot better.

This was fine but lacking suspense and horror for me. More of a thriller I think.

Enjoyed this, well written and formatted and paced well.

But not entirely sure it's Horror, more of a thriller really.

Good job though.

This one feels like a "fish out of water."  The humor was a mixed bag for me.

Quoted Text LANDER No! My legs! I can't feel my legs!

LC, was right, you lost brownie points here.

Quoted Text No shit, the sign in the bar said 'Poker in front and liquor in the rear'!

I can't believe I actually laughed at this.

Quoted Text CODY Damn, Sam, that sounded close.

Who is Sam?  Do you mean Lander?

Pretty decent overall.  So kudos. -Andrea

Very descriptive writing. Almost too much, but I found it fine. I felt you really wanted us to not like these two, and given what you did to them and how it ends, looks like I was right. Too bad, it would have had a bigger impact if we thought Lander was at least somewhat decent.

I liked the ATV crash. It would have been good to leave us hanging there for a little longer (pun intended) before killing Cody.

I got confused by the choreography of the action. The belt breaks Lander's back, and somehow he ends up with his legs under the ATV? Is he no longer strapped in? And how does he look up and see Cody there if Cody was below him when it was suspended? It's not clear enough.

You tell us the belt broke Lander's back and he's paralyzed, but that's not information coming across in the visuals. It's a visual medium, the audience doesn't have the script to follow along. You do have Lander say he can't feel his legs (characters talking to themselves is always a dicey choice, you get away with that one because he doesn't know Cody is dead yet but the rest is iffy at best), and that's as much information as the reader should have.

The wolves was good. And really, it should have ended there. The bear at the end was the same beat, you held off just to repeat yourself. Sure, a bear is a bigger threat, but it amounts to the same thing for Lander. Unless you bring the bear into the same scene with the wolves first appearing, it's a weak ending.

Nice job despite the flaws. We've seen this before, but the writing elevated it for me. With some other improvements it would be quite enjoyable.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Bridger-Teton mountains of Wyoming

If this is important information I feel it would be better suited in a SUPER.

Quoted Text LANDER No! My legs! I can't feel my legs!

Said no-one ever  :P

Numbering the days should also be in a SUPER if you feel it's important enough, otherwise the audience would have no idea how much time has passed.

That final twist gave me a bit of a chuckle, I'm not sure if that was intentional, but I think it was.

The writing is okay, and the story meet the criteria of the challenge.

Not bad, not great either.

All the best.

Yeah well written but nothing really original  met all the criteria I guess - although it’s a ‘horrific’ situation the pair are in, its not a creature horror lol. Anyway neat story but not that memorable in the context of the challenge

More thriller than horror for me but well written, smooth and easy to follow. A satisfying ending as well.

I drifted with this and skimmed because I didn’t care for the characters. As they were two dumb hunters, I thought they deserved everything they got. The one that survived the crash even threw the knife, his only weapon away. This lessened the tension and I just couldn’t wait for him to meet his demise also.

The reader needs to want the main character to survive, so make them likeable.

Great job though.

-Mark

Hi Writer

It is very tempting to repeat the slug in the description - but doing so just adds words. It's no big deal, but just something to think about when trying to keep the writing as tight as possible.

Writing is pretty good - the story itself is not a horror and has no suspense. Outside of the challenge, the story is OK, no real point to it - more like a scene than an enclosed short.

Well done for entering

Matt

Right off the bat, you're repeating your Slug, which is just completely unnecessary and a waste.  And then, you repeat your time element, too?  Damn, bro...not a good start.

In fact, your opening sentence is awkwardly written.  "is set" - doesn't work.  Nothing wrong with telling us where we are, but the way you're telling us, it's obvious, this should be a SUPER.  You can always drop little clues in your action/description lines, but if you come right out and tell us where we are, use a SUPER instead.

The gun rack is on the hood?  Hmmm, I don't think that makes any sense...am I missing something here?

To me, the writing on display here is missing something...it's dull.  The dialogue is canned, not realistic.

Who is "Sam"?

"INT./EXT. ATV - NIGHT" - This is not correct.  First of all, I'm against using INT/EXT, period, but here, it's just plain wrong.  Is this ATV even capable of having an INT scene in it?  It's an open vehicle, isn't it?  And for the EXT scenes, we're not EXT ATV, we're EXT "CREST OF A HILL" or something like that.

"The gunshot was unexpected and Lander drops the spotlight." - Lines like this just don't work in a script.

"Cody, never having put on his seatbelt," - - Or lines like this.

So, you CUT TO BLACK and never FADE IN again?  Wow...the rest of the film is ov er black, I guess.   ;D ;D ;D

"begins to" - never appropriate in a screenplay.

When you start a POV, you also have to end it.

"AAAAIIIIEEEE!" - Really?  Almost like a pirate ARGH.  Not good.

"crushed femurs" - Oh man...going way downhill, very fast!

I skimmed to the end, as the writing and story just aren't cutting it...at all.

This isn't horror.  There is some suspense and you've got a vehicle, but overall this is weak and unbelievable.  Writing, dialogue, characterization all not up to snuff.

**

A few editing issues but they're insignificant because the rest of the story is well told. A nice twist at the end too. Whenever wild animals are pitted against man, I'm often put in mind of Jack London's, Love of Life. In your story, instead of there being a handy ship waiting for rescue, there's a huge bear and the human loses. I like the final twist. Nice job.

This was a good read and I could just see these two clowns setting themselves up for the inevitable. Decent touch with the ATV hanging over Cody. Wish it was drawn out a bit more. That could have added to the suspense. As for horror, not much except for listening to the sound of your buddy getting torn up and eaten. But that too was over too quick.

Since he was paralyzed, you could have had the wolves eat his lower legs without knowing. That would've been horrific.

Didn't quite get the 'cut to black' transitions either. Not necessary, just go to the next scene.

Good work, writer. Good ending, too. "Shit". Poetry, man.

This is pretty good.  Stretching it out over two days makes it longer than it needs to be, maybe, but if you go that route consider putting the days into a SUPER instead of the slug.

I would also say "Lander screams" instead of spelling it out like a comic book -- but that's just a choice and it's not really wrong. I like to spell out goofy sound effects that probably don't amuse anyone but myself.

And it ends well. And maybe I spotted a Rocky Horror Easter egg, which is funny if it was intentional. Pretty solid for a OWC script.

edit:  Looking at the comments now I see a few folks busting on your first slug and the description that follows. I didn't get that at all, and even now I don't see it as problematic.  Just saying.

Nice writing, but the story is lacking in suspense and horror. And the twist where the bear shows up is pretty predictable. And the characters are not particularly likable. You could throw in a rumor that the wild animals in the area are acting strange and aggressive, and Cody and Lander stop being gun hicks and become soldiers in a new battle of survival against nature.

This one wasn't for me.  I found it a bit plodding and fairly predictable. Basically just an escalating series of injuries, pain and death.

I'm not sure about it meeting the parameters of the challenge - not really a horror.

Holy cow there's a bunch of exclamation points in the dialogue. For some reason, it stands out to me, and I'm oddly distracted by it. (That may be the most odd note I've ever given.) Do these guys really exclaim nearly every thing they say?

"breaks his lower back on impact" Show, don't tell. How can I know this? Same for "paralyzed and can't fell his crushed femers"

"Landers calls for help until his voice is almost gone"... how much time do you expect this particular line to fill in the finished short?

"he's not surprised there's no service" Again, how do we know he's not surprised? Every line needs to be a visual or dialogue.

"He begins to frown." Most uses of "begins" can be eliminated. It's awkward and unnecessary.

I'm not sure this is a horror script. But, it was a "fun" little story, complete with a beginning, middle and a definitive end.

All in all, a good effort. Thanks for sharing.

~Love the title. It just says TENSION. And I like the logline in question form. Interestingly pulling me in.
~Must not use Final Draft because spacing is off (personal pet peeve sorry)
~The first two pages are mostly banter that goes on too long. They are drunk, give us a laugh then set the tone of the story. End of page 1...they are gonna do something illegal.
~ok I love this story. The only beef I have with it is that it takes too long to get going IMO. I love the hunters become the hunted.. been done a bunch ... but I love it. I would have liked to see them shoot the bear before it all went wrong and then the bear show up at the end... so that we know he's gonna eat the very thing that almost killed him.. instead of the elk I guess. Really good writing on display. Enjoyed this story once it got moving.
~Great job writer.

The satisfaction I got from this one was due to the fact that
the characters sounded so darn juvenile and were dislikable
to the point where I was happy to see them killed off.

Normally, I would expect myself to be writing I'm out
with that and move on, but you did a good job with
the opening depiction of setting and the logline; so I
think that told the story for me, subconsciously.

You didn't waste any time on those two idiots
so good on you. You drew them as you needed to
and gave them what they deserved.

I only have a few complaints:
The title. Hmmm... See below...

>Cody, never having put on his seatbelt gets ejected...

Poorly worded, but more importantly, you should foreshadow him refusing (the idiot he is) to buckle up.

>Lander throws the knife...

He's an idiot, but that puts him in the Darwin Award category.  ;D

Would "Two Idiots" be a good title? Just a stab in the dark without a knife.

That's it. Nicely done.  :)

This is my entry. I wrote this the day before deadline after failing on rewrites of a woman in the World Trade Center elevator on 9/11. In my head it was terrifying but couldn't factor in the horror aspect. An elevator would have been a great vehicle, I thought....

As far as A Pinch, I regret making them such redneck-dimwits. I was also going to have the wolves gnaw on the guy's legs without him knowing but couldn't really work it in. That would've amped up the horror.

Thanks everybody for your reads and reviews. Appreciate all the positive comments.
~John

John,

I don't know if you caught it on the main thread... so, I'll share it again here: I apologize for my stupid joke regarding the weinermobile early in the challenge. I didn't even consider the thought that I might accidentally ruin someone's real idea.

It won't happen again.

Best,
Paul

This one got four stars from me. Nice work.

Don't sweat it, Paul. Just like advice on SS, people are free to express thoughts and ideas. I'm just glad it was still in the idea muddling stage!

Quoted from DustinBowcot This one got four stars from me. Nice work.

Thanks, Dustin. That means a lot.

If we were allowed decimal places then this was actually my number one pick. I couldn't give it 5 because I only scored it 4.2. If I had scored it as 4.6 then I would have rounded up.

The scores are a little annoying from an individual basis, but I can see how it works out once 25 of us have voted. I also see that allowing decimal places in the individual votes would over complicate things. Just saying.