Protocol 25 by Menhaden Ainn and Nick Linkoven - Short, Horror - An injured woman finds herself trapped in an ambulance with the guy she injured who's also a serial killer. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

First, congrats on "entering."

After a first skim, and then a second read, the main thing that stands out for me is that I'm lost at sea.   It started off promising enough.  It took some work to figure out who these people were, and just how they were supposed to be revealed to me.  We start with Irene, then the other driver of the car, who turns out to be a serial killer... but I'm not so sure.  Then we have the EMT in back with them (who ends up killing the alleged serial killer - Then the EMT is about to kill Irene.  But she does a few jedi mind tricks -- ends up killing him instead.  Now she starts rambling (methinks she may have mental issues)  Now Irene "covers her butt," well tries to.  Then - there is the driver upfront.  Who I think is the real serial killer.   Something about all this just is not coming together in a natural way for me.

- Nitpick: “Just stay calm ma’am.”  Need a comma somewhere in there.  You got it right, earlier.
- If you are not going to give us any description of your characters, then at least give them an age.  

The writing is good. I mean that in more than the standard polite brush-off way. But I'm just not feeling this overall.   Maybe I'll take another pass.  -Andrea

Hey there, Writer. :)

Right off the bat, I don't like the logline. Why spoil the fact that the other victim is a serial killer?

I like the concept of body swapping. A lot of potential here. Unfortunately there's not much else to it besides a fun premise. You had five more pages to play around and really build some suspense. As it is, it just feels rushed.

No issues with the actual writing, so that's good.

I'd really like to see this one get expanded on after the challenge.

Good effort.

Not sure what to say here.  Alot going on that's very unclear, and you did nothing to try and make it clear.

I guess we've got some kind of entity that can go from body to body, but with no reason why or even that that's what's going, again, hard to follow or really care.

One huge mistake is not naming the EMS guy, Frank, as we know that's his name.  Looks terrible with EMS guy over and over.

I guess compared to the dredge that I've read so far, this isn't all that bad, but that's only from comparing this to 6 scripts I've read that received zero stars or 1 star, so that's not really saying all that much.

**.

This read okay, definitely in a vehicle and definitely horror, formatting fine and flows well.

But the bodyswap thing just didn't work for me, it wasn't set up well enough to convince.

Given the short nature of the challenge it may just have worked better having the twist that Irene is the killer not the guy on the stretcher/gurney.

I dug this okay.  Nice, subtle hints at a body swap scenario.  

There's a whole lot of fighting, sticking, killing and banging going on in the back of this ambulance.  What's the driver doing?  He got the music cranked?  Perhaps if you had the sirens as well as the lights.  He's oblivious.  

As soon as she straps herself back in, you know the driver's the killer.  This was okay but without any real place to go other than the obvious ending.  

  

There are moments when the writing is awkward, as if rushed, but then the rest is perfectly clear.

It had suspense and horror, plus a vehicle so it ticks all the boxes. I figured out there was body swapping going on but not why, or why with Irene, to quote 'It’s starting to dawn on her now' she just figured out a serial killer entity had swapped bodies?

Still, I think you are onto something here. It just needs fleshing out. Good effort!

This was alright.

Not calling EMS Attendant by his real name was a bad mistake.

Some of the descriptions were clunky and not visual enough and because of that lacked suspense for me.

I get what you were trying to do but it didn't pay off for me.

Writing was proficient and technically sound. Perhaps a few rewrites will make this a lot better.

Right off the top. Title page. Can't miss it.
In the near future, Courier font between 12 and 14pt, no bigger, not bolder.
When you shout gimmick, that's my first impression.

Wouldn't it save you a lot of time and trouble just to name the EMS attendant Frank?
BTW, EMS paramedics will often strap injured/sick people down before the patient is loaded in the back of the van. and...one more thing. Dispatch will never casually use profanity (especially the f bomb) over the radio. And how does the Dispatch know that's the suspected killer and what was in the back of his trunk? What was the first description of his car? Mangled.

The man is not identified. The police do not tell the EMTs anything. The EMTs load a suspected killer and the other driver in the same van. So...how does the dispatch know who he is...?

Why does the the EMS Frank keep smiling at Irene? Why does Irene feel threated when Frank gets morphine (?) ready for the suspected killer? It's not for her, and even if it is, it's only a sedative. This tale better get better, fast.

Quoted Text Think of all the innocent people this man killed. Young girls, tortured and killed. Even women your age.

So Frank kills the man.  >:(
He doesn't know who he is. He violates his oath.
He lies to the driver (implausible)
Irene says "okay". Thinks she's in danger. I suppose at this point there was a case of mistaken identity. It's the only logic here. Speaking of logic...

Quoted Text IRENE Driver!!

It's a stretch that Frank lies about the "accidental death". It's more incredible that in all that scuffle, the Driver did not hear or see any of it. That's asking a lot. Logic does not apply here, as a reveal comes out of nowhere. I'm sorry. I don't get it. Oh, you might say, The Killer swapped identity with the Driver. See, you should get it, that's clever!

No, no it isn't. It doesn't make any sense. Frank is a self proclaimed vigilante; but he wouls know what THE DRIVER he works with looks like. And when did the killer have the opporunity to make the switch? See? Not as clever anymore, is it?

Nice effort though. Could have been better.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not sure what to say here.  Alot going on that's very unclear, and you did nothing to try and make it clear. I guess we've got some kind of entity that can go from body to body, but with no reason why or even that that's what's going, again, hard to follow or really care.

MOMENTS LATER...

Quoted from Dreamscale You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short. You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.

Sorry but this cracked me up.

Hi writer,

I think you should have given the EMS attendant a name.

Another one that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and the thing is you still had 5 or so pages to give it the depth it needed.

How did the driver not hear any of the commotion?

Anyway, congrats on getting an entry in. Not for me.

All the best.

If I hadn’t of read the other reviews first I would have no idea what was going on lol. Look, this has great potential but it needed to be thought through more; I’m guessing the writer was strapped for time?

Reminded me a bit of the classic scene on The Silence Of The Lambs when Lector escapes from the authorities and pretends to be one of the dead cops in the ambulance.

Quoted from Warren MOMENTS LATER... Sorry but this cracked me up.

Warren, as you often seem to do, you're missing the point...completely, and if you honestly don't realize that, you have issues.

Clarity was not what was being discussed on the other thread.  It was very clear what was going on, and it was very clear that it was a Lovecraftian tale, and if you personally were unclear, you could easily spend a few minutes and use google.

That is not the case here at all, as there's nothing anyone can google to figure out or understand what's happening.  Totally different situation.

Don't you get that?

If the debate continues between you two, and becomes not pertinent to this thread you might want to take it to here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-April2019/m-1555734008/s-30/
or:

Ah, cool...

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1556059353/s-0/highlight-/#num0

I guess nobody's seen Fallen with Denzel Washington.

This has a very Azazel vibe, which I really wasn't expecting. I thought the logline was a fake out and it would turn out they were both serial killers. That's an idea I had a while ago.

Instead, this is a body possessing entity, which is fine. It works, for the most part, though some of the action confused me. Why did he go for the scalpel at all? Just because Irene deliberately baited him with the idea? He isn't really trying to hide, he's being obvious to Irene, so why isn't he concerned about the driver? He doesn't seem to have a plan at all.

I think a lot of this was forced to make the story work. It all seems very implausible. I did like the protocol 25 bit though, that was cool, only the dispatch operator wouldn't swear over the airways. That's a violation of FCC rules, but like everything else, it seems procedure and rules are made to fit the story.

Not a bad story, it does need work though. Something to make us care about Irene wouldn't hurt too.

Quoted from ReneC I guess nobody's seen Fallen with Denzel Washington.

Seen it numerous times, and in that movie, they do something very clever, so you "understand" when it's happening/happened.

"Tiiiiiiime, is on my side...yes it is"

I don't know what accident scene is, that doesn't really tell me a location, that could be anywhere.

Being loaded into the ambulance by the ambulance driver....just say driver.

I feel like the EMS Attendant should have a name, he has a lot of dialogue and a "connection" with Irene. you call him Frank later on, but continue to label him as EMS Attendant.

I liked the swap at the end with the driver, that was a clever twist, but you had a lot of potential here to stretch out some suspense. At only 5 pages, this reads quickly and it loses some of the build up.

I agree that the logline gives too much away. I mentioned the movie Fallen in another thread, this one has the feel.

PROTOCOL 25

No idea what this one is about. They're all killers? Really strange.

Hello writer

Accident scene - if I decided to make this, where am I filming this accident scene? downtown, motorway? country road? - you get my point, set the scene.

Quoted Text There’s already a bond between her and the EMS Attendant

Nope - show me a bond. If you have to tell me it's there, then it doesn't exist.

Quoted Text It takes off,

... Into space? odd choice of phrase - I'm just being picky now I guess

Quoted Text just the connection of two strangers.

You're telling me again

Eh? what the hell is going on - no hint of an explanation here. Some kind of mind changing, thing? making them murderous - no clue - this misses the mark.

Well done for completing the challenge

Matt

"there's already a bond between"  Can't just tell us. (I'm sure others pointed this out, but I avoid other reviews until I've written mine.)

"It's starting to dawn on her now" What is? We simply don't have enough info to know what this line means. We know he had some weird eye contact with the killer, and he killed the guy -- and attempted to justify it. That's it. It's a stretch to think that she'd be nervous in any way about him killing her at this point.

Okay, done. Didn't work for me.

I think the problem is that all of the character's actions are overreactions. The Attendant kills the killer based off of evidence provided by a dispatcher. The woman overreacts with too much suspicion/fear. The attendant overreacts to her reaction (by having a second syringe ready). She overreacts by killing him. The driver then overreacts to her being at fault for the accident.

I like the general idea, and if you could get their motivations to feel more real, I think the short would work.

(Okay, just read through the reviews... so, this was a "jumping" script? Reading back through, I guess I can see it. But, I sure didn't on the first read. Not even close. I took the eye contact to mean some sort of attempted mind control. So, I think you need a device to very clearly show "the jump." That could be enough to make the whole thing snap into place.)

I liked where you went with this and with a bit of refining, it could be an interesting shoe-string suspense/thriller. That said, not much horror to it. The logline gives it away and it would've been a bigger suspense builder to hear that the trunk was full of body parts.

Lots of tips and suggestions in previous reviews. I did like the story. Good job, writer.

Quoted from Dreamscale Seen it numerous times, and in that movie, they do something very clever, so you "understand" when it's happening/happened. "Tiiiiiiime, is on my side...yes it is"

I was thinking the same thing.  Fallen.  Or Jason Goes To Hell.  

Very good. Irene is an honest woman, but she's just been in an accident and is scared about the consequences, especially since she thinks she's guilty, so she shouldn't go around telling everyone that she's at fault until she's talked to a lawyer. Plus, maybe you make her pregnant, so she's worried about any harm that may have come to her unborn child.

In the ambulance, after failing to possess Irene, the Evil takes over the Driver. Irene may be terrified, but she's already killed one guy, so she doesn't hesitate to use the scalpel on the Driver. Now, with the Driver dead, the Evil has only one place to go: she fearfully looks down at her baby bump and utters something profound like "uh oh."

Dena and I are responsible for this mess. Sorry. Mostly my fault. I scribbled some notes, sent them to Dena Friday morning. She was on the road with family and typed them into FD from the back of the car. She sent me copy to review, but that was a big medical/family/drinking day for me, so I didn't get to it.

The idea came from an experience of mine. I had been in an accident. I was placed in an ambulance with the driver of the other vehicle. My injuries were minor(broken nose, broken ribs, concussion), and I had been completely calm...until they started strapping me in. Claustrophobia runs in my family. It had never been a problem for me until that moment. I freaked. I even threatened the EMS guy. He loosened my straps and I relaxed.

But this gave me the idea: what if you were trapped in an ambulance, strapped down, and suddenly the other patient became a threat?

It was hard to come up with ways to do that and I didn't have time. What came to me is not original: a person who is able to jump ship with his soul, so to speak, by taking possession of another. So he can basically leave one body behind and take another.

The challenge was showing this in a film. There were probably better ways. But it is a challenge to show something like that. We tried to come up with some clues. Some readers picked up on them.

So what happens is this: a serial killer with this body-jumping ability gets in an accident with our protagonist. While they are in route to the hospital the cops find body parts in his car and the ambulance is alerted. So the serial killer, who is seriously wounded from the accident, jumps to the EMS guy and proceeds to kill his old body. The woman begins to suspect something is not right and eventually figures it out. When it becomes clear to her that she is next to be killed, she stalls for time while trying to get free. She manages to kill the EMS guy(who is now the serial killer of course). But just before she ends his life, he tries to jump to her. Because she understands this, she is able to resist him. Then succeeds in killing him.

However, with his last breath, he manages to jump to the unsuspecting driver. She learns this when she sees him driving past the hospital. She knows once again she'll have to fight for her life.

I did worry about what the driver would hear when all this struggle was going on. It was 15 years ago I was in the ambulance, and I don't remember what divides the driver's cabin from the back. Maybe sirens would help, I don't know.

SPQR has a very good suggestion about making the woman pregnant. I doubt we'll do any more with the story, too many other projects, but if we ever do I'll take that advice.

Thanks for slogging through this if you did!

I did not think this was yours, Kev and Dena.

It's not all that bad at all.

Quoted from leitskev Dena and I are responsible for this mess. Sorry. Mostly my fault. I scribbled some notes, sent them to Dena Friday morning. She was on the road with family and typed them into FD from the back of the car. She sent me copy to review, but that was a big medical/family/drinking day for me, so I didn't get to it. The idea came from an experience of mine. I had been in an accident. I was placed in an ambulance with the driver of the other vehicle. My injuries were minor(broken nose, broken ribs, concussion), and I had been completely calm...until they started strapping me in. Claustrophobia runs in my family. It had never been a problem for me until that moment. I freaked. I even threatened the EMS guy. He loosened my straps and I relaxed. But this gave me the idea: what if you were trapped in an ambulance, strapped down, and suddenly the other patient became a threat? It was hard to come up with ways to do that and I didn't have time. What came to me is not original: a person who is able to jump ship with his soul, so to speak, by taking possession of another. So he can basically leave one body behind and take another. The challenge was showing this in a film. There were probably better ways. But it is a challenge to show something like that. We tried to come up with some clues. Some readers picked up on them. So what happens is this: a serial killer with this body-jumping ability gets in an accident with our protagonist. While they are in route to the hospital the cops find body parts in his car and the ambulance is alerted. So the serial killer, who is seriously wounded from the accident, jumps to the EMS guy and proceeds to kill his old body. The woman begins to suspect something is not right and eventually figures it out. When it becomes clear to her that she is next to be killed, she stalls for time while trying to get free. She manages to kill the EMS guy(who is now the serial killer of course). But just before she ends his life, he tries to jump to her. Because she understands this, she is able to resist him. Then succeeds in killing him. However, with his last breath, he manages to jump to the unsuspecting driver. She learns this when she sees him driving past the hospital. She knows once again she'll have to fight for her life. I did worry about what the driver would hear when all this struggle was going on. It was 15 years ago I was in the ambulance, and I don't remember what divides the driver's cabin from the back. Maybe sirens would help, I don't know. SPQR has a very good suggestion about making the woman pregnant. I doubt we'll do any more with the story, too many other projects, but if we ever do I'll take that advice. Thanks for slogging through this if you did!

The story as you lay it out is solid. Really like it. Only reason it didn't work for me on the page, was because I completely missed the jumping angle. Others didn't.

But, I do like the idea quite a bit.

Our intention was to participate because OWC's seem less busy than in the past. We just didn't have time to whip it into a draft worthy of people's time. I hate doing that. A reader's time is precious.