The Gathering by Dale Creams - Short, Horror - Something has arrived with a storm outside Santa Fe, New Mexico, and it brings a gift to mankind that will keep on giving.  11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I kept waiting for some sort of pet revolt - like all the neighborhood dogs and cats trapping the remaining humans in their homes.  The scene with Jake getting struck in the underbelly by the road carcass was very John Carpenter's The Thing.  I was hyped to see these pets going wild and tearing shit up.  This is the suspense you built in the opening pages only for the focus to shift to Bill and Austin in the Range Rover - which technically never served a true purpose within the story, only to meet the criteria of the contest.    

I felt you hit a wall with not including a vehicle and went this direction?

I didn't get the Ride The Lightning concept other than its obvious reference to Metallica.  Who is riding the lightning?  Who are these things that came from the storm and what is The Gathering?   In order for this story to work we need to know more about these beings.  At least some subtle hints as to what their main objective is.  

As for overall format, this is well written and easy to visualize.  I just never felt any kind of prolonged suspense or tension.    

Nicely written script, formatted well and an easy read.

But, this dcefinitely does not center around a vehicle so is outside of the parameters - second one that's done this and I've only read 3 so far ;-(

However, I quite liked the idea and it had a bit of a Bodysnatcher/Thing crossover vibe to it.

So I liked it but not for this OWC.

This was really well written and follows all the, shall we say, best practices. I definitely know who wrote this. Good job.

Story wise, I wish there was more. Not a lot of conflict or challenge. Too easy a takeover for whatever it is. I needed Austin to put up more of a fight, or even the girls. And maybe they do and we just don't see. Otherwise, we all go out with a whimper.

Quality work, it just needed something more.

First I want to give some advice to new writers - its good practice to use a SUPER asap to establish when and where the opening scene/s are taking place. Once thats in then the reader knows the location  and - if its a period piece - the year. This script has the location in the log but I would still have a SUPER early just so we know.

Loved the concept of this and its well written (no wrylies or orphans in this bitch lol) but it fizzled away dramatically around when Bill turned up. I woulda just left Austin there to battle whatever was going on. And the dribble that Bill was talking became farcical. There was too much stuff going on that wasn't gonna be covered in 12 pages so the ending was just like...meh.

The vehicle part of the criteria is not met at all!  its just thrown in there and adds nothing to the story lol! Anyway I liked the first third of it but it went downhill from there.

Almost forgot a couple of gram errors: you spell hell in dialogue with a capital H and you misspelt lightning in Bills talk too

This is well written, aside from some spelling issues that have already been called out. The dialogue is especially strong, and the visuals are up there too.

The pace is all over the place. It starts off way too slowly with no conflict. A cat and a dog being a cat and a dog isn't conflict. Jake and the coyote kick off the story, maybe it should start there. You don't really need the phone call, it's exposition that leads nowhere since the ending is just kind of tacked on for effect anyway. Really, this all boils down to mentioning a storm (you don't even have to show it), the coyote encounter, Bill showing up and acting weird, the car scene, and an ending.

The ending here doesn't work for me since I don't care a jot for the women. There's no emotional impact.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this does indeed qualify for the OWC. The people are the vehicles. We just don't know what for. The Range Rover scene is suspenseful and does involve a vehicle, so you fulfilled that criteria too. But it is a stretch.

Nice job entering. It's not really original, but the Range Rover scene won me over.

Title page - the stuff about the script requiring permission is very oddly against the far left side.  Just looks weird.

1st half of Page 1 is well written and visual, but do we really need all this visual detail?

OK, 1 and a 1/2 pages in and nothing has really happened.  I assume the storm "brought" something with it, based on the logline, but it's moving slowly.

Now, 2 and a 1/2 pages in and still very little.  I see some character in Austin, but not much, and again, just have to say too slow, bro...but I do feel something is about to happen...or at least, it fucking better!   ;D ;D

OK, bottom of Page 3 and we have some action...horror?  I can see Carpenter's The Thing in the dog pen here.

Page 4 - Do we really need this newscaster thing?  Well...let's see if we do...

Page 5 - writing is very solid, still.  Things have picked up, but there's no vehicle, and it appears Austin is fucked.

I like the animals licking each other...kinda creepy.

Finally!  We have our vehicle!

And there we have "The Gathering".  Hmmm...OK...but what about the suspense and the vehicle?

Page 9 - Good...you delivered.

Oh boy...the dreaded double line wrylie!  Really?

And then, you've got 3 misspellings of "lightning"!  Really?  I could have sworn there was lightning early on...let's see...yeah, OK, you spelled it right on Page 1, fucked it up here somehow.  No biggie.

OK, the end.  I like it.  Writing's good.  Dialogue's very good.  I think you nailed the horror and even vehicular suspense, but this story does not revolve around a vehicle.  It's also reminiscent of several movies - Body Snatchers, PuppetMasters, probably a few more.  far from unique, but as I said in a recent review of the zombie in the ambulance, this is well conceived and things fall into place quite nicely.

It's a solid job.

****

They're here! They're here!

No it’s not a carbon copy of Invasion of the Body Snatchers... but the inspiration is there. Very good. Very well written.  As usual, I was impressed with your grasp of the craft.  

The dark ending, I liked it.  Well, I think it was dark.  Sure it lacked punch, but I think the page count works against you here.  I'm glad you didn't ruin a dark story with a sappy happy ending.  Hollywood loves those.  Often times I prefer dark endings.  The world isn’t always a happy place.   It's all about leaving your audience with a feeling of impact and sometimes nothing does that better than a dark depressing ending.  But it seems I’m in the minority here.  

Rene C. makes a valid point.   And I concur.  Screw GOOGLE.  Think of your body as a vehicle.  A spirit steps into your body, and uses your body, your language and your gestures to communicate for itself.  Well, if you believe in that sort of thing.  Shit.  I'm rambling. Regardless I think you met the parameters.

Hello writer

Thunder before lightning? seems odd.

You switch from Range Rover to Land Rover - no big deal, comes with the time constraint of the challenge - but should be consistent

You could very easily have gotten rid of the small page 11 with a bit of rewriting - makes it look cleaner.

Alright, I'm done - I enjoyed the read, you are clearly a good writer - The vehicle was light, too light for the parameters of the challenge - I'll dock points in my scoring for that.

You nailed the suspense, but horror? not horror for me really - I also feel like body snatcher story lines have been done to death.

I also felt a bit deflated at the end, what was this thing that rode the lightning? and what is the point of taking hosts? is it a parasite? Joining the gathering didn't really seem that bad lol he was still him, his memories - but happier.

Anyway. Congrats on completeing the challenge

Matt

This was a decent effort. It's certainly well written from a technical perspective, albeit a little verbose (I didn't mind this, although there were moments of redundancy; how many times do we need to be reminded it's raining/lightning). Not much by way of character development, but it's a simple relatable setup, and the dialogue more or less works. A basic (and thus strategic) concept for the OWC; sustainable with much potential for conflict, but simple enough that it doesn't require a massive setup that pushes the page limit.

That said, I did find this to be a bit generic and honestly lacking in conflict. There're some interesting confrontations with the animals early on, but they're resolved almost immediately. The human encounters play out in basically the exact same way. I'd think there'd be some sort of visual fallout to the "infected" (perhaps a change in skin tone or speech patterns), but not so much. It's all pretty cursory, but it does build and move along, which is fair enough given the constraints of the challenge.

Only thing I really didn't like was the use of the vehicle. There's no reason Bill wouldn't have turned Austin immediately at the house. They needed to get in the car to meet the challenge and that's it. Doesn't strike me as having had much effort put into it, but I can't know that for sure, to be fair.

Fine entry for the purposes of the challenges. Definitely not crazy about it in and of itself but didn't find it particularly off-putting either. Might not fare well in this challenge as far as being memorable though. Good job in any case.

Hi writer,

Not a whole lot going on in the first 3 pages, except for the one incident. I think you could probably have gotten there sooner.

A lot a detail about how much everyone weighs, is that really necessary? 275 pounds seems very specific. I think it would be better to describe their body shape, it’s a lot more visual that a weigh. Maybe something like BILL, 50, rotund or overweight or anything other than a specific weight.

Not sure what the take away is.

The dialogue was on the nose in places.

Can’t say I loved it.

All the best.

The first 2 pages of this horror is the MC playing with his pets. Page 3 and he’s talking to his wife via a tablet , his very attractive wife I might add. This is indeed horrific.

“And if you’ve just tuned in” – well that was a lucky coincidence.

Page 5 – no sign of a vehicle yet.

A vehicle is in it briefly, but it feels shoehorned in. Luckily there is Serena who is extremely good looking to distract me.

Sorry for the sarcasm, but this was what I was thinking as I was reading it and I always find it helps to know what goes through readers mind page by page. Overall it’s a classic Invasion of the Body Snatcher’s type story with no new twists or spin and falls foul of all the clichés. Those who are taken over acting like they are high was interesting and you could develop that further, as you could expand upon what the gathering is.

As is though, this isn’t original enough to get me high, nor does it match the criteria enough in my opinion, but well done for entering.

Getting a Body Snatchers vibe from this, or some host controlling parasite.

The beginning of the script there's just not much going on. Half a page for the weather which can really be described in one sentence. And 3 pages in and nothing has happened so far.

Technically the script is fine. The dialogue needs a few more passes.

Like others have said the car feels like it was shoehorned in so for me that doesn't quite meet all the OWC requirements. The horror is okay, I mean, it doesn't have a lot but it clearly would be in the horror genre.

A decent effort.

This feels like it could have been more. The main problem is that everything happens so smoothly. Zap. Done. Sure, it does add a creepy element, but more conflict would have been welcome. As it sits, the main conflict is really just Austin telling Bill he's acting funny.

Now, having said that, you clearly were going for more of the suspense (per the parameters). So, maybe I'm being too harsh?

Overall, this was well written. Could be shortened, mainly in early pages.

Good job.

THE GATHERING

Code Strike after strike, it CRASHES down.

Loved the opening description... even how the rain escalated to a storm. However, this bit tripped me up. Lightning crashes down? I think that could be better.

Code Rain pounds down.

A writer with a 'down' problem. It's poor because which other direction does rain fall? It's lazy because you use 'down' when you could add some better description. Maybe the rain pounds against the corrugated plastic roof of an outbuilding? Rain pounds against concrete paving slabs? Feed me a sensory experience I can use. Rain pounds down is shit.

Code ...sending wafts of smoke into the dark night.

I hope just by enclosing that section of one of your action lines that you already know what I'm going to say... dark night? That is overwriting. It does nothing. What is the point in pointing out that it's dark at night?

Code The wind howls, causing a multitude of wind chimes, hanging from the covered patio, to sing out into the storm.

I really like this. I don't like the word 'out'. I like the imagery and sound this action line conjures. However, I'd consider playing around with it a little, trying to perfect it. It could be a great line.

Code ...AUSTIN CHASE, 45, rises from his bed.

'his' goes without saying. It's more overwriting that spoils the read. You're also telling us it's his bed. Not that it wouldn't be obvious anyway.

Code AUSTIN Wow, big storm, huh, Jake? You wanna get in bed with me, Buddy?

Not sure I like where this seems to be headed.

Code Jake's tail wags, as he bounds into the big bed, almost landing on MR. WHISKERS, a fluffy white, ten pound cat. Mr. Whiskers MEOWS, playfully swats at Jake. AUSTIN (CONT'D) Easy there, Mr. Whiskers. There's room for all of us.

I feel nauseas. Like I've been tied to a chair and forced to watch the opening of a Disney movie. I'm not sure I can recover enough to read on.

Code DEBBIE I'm a little burned, very tired, and missing my baby! Austin sips his coffee as he talks.   AUSTIN Me too, had both Jake and Mr. Whiskers in bed with me last night.

So what did happen that night?

The writing is fairly good. You pulled me in at the start but then the overwriting got a little tedious. Then the cutesy guy hero almost made me vomit.  

Picking them from the bottom of the list.

Page 1.   Why capitalize CRASHES? Usually meant for specific sounds or items and actions important to the story.

Page 2.   Other than a bad storm, nothing horror or suspense going on and no vehicle in sight.

Page 3.   Around around...

Page 5.   You have slugs that are inconsistent. Not that I care, but some people here do.

INT. CHASE HOUSE - GREAT ROOM - MORNING

INT. CHASE HOUSE - FRONT HALL - MOMENTS LATER

Then simply DEN

FRONT HALL

Page 6.   Lots of chatting that does not further the story.

Also, more than halfway through and still no vehicle in sight and suspense is light, but we have some horror elements.

Finished. To be honest, IMO, the vehicle part wasn't really enough. What happened in the car could just as well had happened anywhere. In the kitchen, in the pool...

I also felt there was too much chatting about stuff that had nothing to do with the story itself. In a short, it's important to get to the meat asap. This one felt like a beginning sequence to a much longer script. There's no room for slow builds in a short, IMHO.

Very well written and GREAT dialogue, but the suspense need some work and I wished the car had played a bigger part.

Loved the dog and cat.   :)

I felt like this had a lot of potential. As I was reading it, for some reason it gave me a Stephen King vibe and I was really digging it, but I was also waiting for the vehicle aspect to show up.

We finally get into a car, but it's literally just to drive to one place then another. No other real creative use of it. I suppose you could argue that the beings are using our human bodies as vehicles but that's maybe a stretch.

Really well written and I was hoping for something a little bit more in the horror department. Invasion of the Body Snatchers vibe gives this more of a ski/fi angle. I like the "They rode the lightning" line, but I hated everything Bill said. I can't put my finger on it, but the coyness was a little eye-rolling for me.

I wanted more from the ending, I wanted more of a body horror Cronenberg vibe from this with the animals. Like maybe the invasion of the animal bodies rejects the beings or something, they could add to the lack of horror.

I liked it, but it left me wanting a lot more from it.

Excellent writing. Nice suspense as we build up to Austin's "conversion."  Too bad Jake and Mr Whiskers couldn't avoid the same fate. One question: is there any way to differentiate the gathered from the ungathered? In "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," the pod people were entirely devoid of emotion or affection, so it was possible to detect and avoid them. I don't see that possibility here, which you'd need in full script.

Okay...

Hell is capped erroneously.
Tablet? I thought for a minute he was holding a multi-vitamin.

Lots of set-up with the animals that doesn’t really amount to much.

Reads more like the start of a Feature.

On the tablet, his wife, DEBBIE CHASE, 40, and very
attractive, comes into view.
Hmm, could be phrased better. Delete 'and', a comma will suffice.

You can get rid of all those character Cont’s in your software.

Go easy on exclamation points! They lose impact if they're not reserved for high tension moments.
Example: I'm a little burned, very tired, and
missing my baby!

see you guys around around four. (Typo, duplicate word)

C'mon, Doggie. (No need for cap as Doggie is not his name) same with Brother, and Man. (below)

CHASE HOUSE - GREAT ROOM
Never heard of a 'great room', must be a cultural thing.

the slider, ??
Is this a sliding door? Ah yes, I see it prior. Must be cultural colloquialism too. We wrap chicken in those.  ;D

AUSTIN
Get in here!

Again with the overuse of exclamation points.

The front doorbell rings, OS.
Do we need OS?

sticks a landing on a tall
cabinet, as Jake approaches on the run, barking madly.
I think that could be rephrased.

I don't know, Man.
No need to Cap Man, it's not his name and is used akin to 'friend', same with Brother unless he's suddenly a man of the cloth. You wouldn't Cap: buddy, would you?

Mr. Whiskers walks (Suggestion: use verbs other than boring, sedate 'walks') more pertinent to a feline, in this case.

https://www.thesaurus.com

Rain pounds down
How about keep it simple:
Torrential rain.

the cool decking
the big bed

Almost instantly,?
Bit like 'almost immediately.' I'm dubious of word qualifiers like this, and then:
the man smiles, winks

lightning lights up ( how about: illuminates)

as he lets loose a big yawn.
How about: he stretches, yawns.

Similar here:
Jake backs up, lets out a loud yelp.
Suggestion: Jake backs up, hackles raised, he yelps.

The big spiel with Bill’s hands?

The vehicle finally appears middle p.6 but doesn’t really encompass a scene of prolonged suspense.

The Range Rover comes to a sudden stop. Feels like you tried to create suspense with that sudden stop but I failed to see why he couldn’t have just kept driving to say that line – might even create more suspense if at that point he drives erratically.

Re his neck: We need to look at it.
We've already seen it.
Either: We need to get that looked at, or:
You need to get that looked at.

Bill rolls his eyes, smiles, looks to Austin.
(rolls his eyes and smiles, then looks) ?!
There's a lot of that going on.

Okay, I'll stop with the nit-picking but an overall cleanup is needed. You were probably under the gun to get your entry in.

You write descriptions very well in the opening. The images are evoked nicely. Loved the wind-chimes, could see the scenery and feel the atmosphere. I really enjoyed reading that and could picture it well.

I get the feeling that section was written at leisure and the rest in haste.

The stereotype characters just don’t appeal to me. The women are ‘extremely good looking’ and very attractive' and these characters are in their forties but act and speak as if they’re in their twenties:

Example:
Smell that? The boys have it going
on. Austin's amazing on his grill.

Really?  ::)

I just think if you can write as you did in the opening you should be extending yourself to slightly more sophisticated fare.

Jmho, of course.

--I really like your title and your logline.
--The spacing is off on page one (drives me bananas) :)
--Page one does nothing but intro the man, dog, cat. In a short I'd love to find something on every page that makes me want to read the next. This one doesn't necessarily do it. Way too long describing.. the outside is just an establishing shot. Could do that with two lines and cut out half a page. Get to the story so the reader will want to keep reading. Like on page one we just got to see a storm and a guy sleeping. Get me?
--Page 2 we get to see Austin wake up. Yawn. And let the dog out. Gets a video call on tablet. That whole page could be reduced to three lines (sentences).
--OK HERE WE GO. If you could get us through the intros on page one and END page one with the SNIFF COYOTE SOMETHING SHOOTS INTO JAKE'S BELLY THING. Then WTF ... we are hooked and staying to find out WHAT that was. If I was a pro reader though, I would've stopped way before page 3 on this. You have to intro the characters and set the tone early on and hook the reader. This event is GREAT but needs to come at the bottom of page 1.
--Ok this story does have a lot going for it. I like how you left the end open. I love some of the things in the story but I see it a different way maybe. I think with a little more work this could be good. I am not sure what is the gathering. I mean I assume it's something alien come to take over or something evil? But it's never really explained. I think that Austin freaks on Bill but Bill isn't doing anything really freaky in the car ... anyway I did enjoy many parts of this story. I think it needs more work.
--Good job writer.

This is mine, as many knew.

Sorry so few seemed to enjoy it.

I started planning it out on Wednesday/Thursday and thought I was all ready to whip it out Friday, but the writing took longer than I had planned and I ended up having to skip date night with my girlie, and she was very, very pissed.

I was pleased with it.  Went for the suspense in the Range Rover, as we knew what was going to happen, but Austin was clueless, but knowing something wasn't right.

I always like a slow burn beginning, but it's apparent few here do, and I was quite surprised that some even jumped ship early.

Oh well.  I tried.  Thanks for the reads and feedback to all who did read it.

Dale Creams... Now I see it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Dale Creams... Now I see it.

That was Don, not me.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Dale Creams... Now I see it.

Same thing applies to the writers of Protocol 25... Wonder if Don did that one as well

Not bad work. Starts at the pace of a feature, but since it's a short, maybe it might be better off moving quicker. For example, instead of taking almost half a page to describe a storm, maybe you could just say,

EXT. XXY
The mother of all thunderstorms.

INT. HOUSE
Thunder crashes so close the dog and cat lift their heads.

All we really need to know is big storm, dog, cat, character.

In a feature, we do need more time to set up the characters, as the writer does here. Maybe as this is a short a little less time could be spent on that. Not a criticism, this is competent feature writing set up.

The story itself works pretty well, again, if it's setting up a larger story. In the short, it doesn't create the level of tension needed(not quite) and the ending is ok but not surprising enough to linger in the mind.

It's good work. Like most OWC's needs another pass.

Thanks, Kev.  I appreciate your feedback.

I only read this because I thought it would be a pisser, and I fancied a good laugh... And to my surprise there's a really good horror hiding behind your humorous touches.

I really liked it.

Thanks, Rick.

It wasn't supposed to be humorous.

Must have been my expectations getting in the way...

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Must have been my expectations getting in the way...

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I thought there was definitely an undercurrent of humor. Just read it again, and it's there. Not pisser humor. The kind of humor we see in a lot of horrors of this type.

Actually, it brings something to mind. I've been working on a YA novel. I mentioned it to a friend and he asked me if I was putting humor into it. I thought about it and realized I had not been. So I started adding more humor wherever I could and it really helped. I think it might be the case that unless a story is really, really serious, like the Exorcist or more recently the Witch, it kind of makes sense to add somme humor. That doesn't mean it's a comedy. I think your're writing style, Jeff, would work very well with this.

Well, I think in terms of humor, I always go for some in dialogue, as that's how I communicate.

And I agree that humor is important - not outright comedy, of course, but just a lighter side of dialogue and communication, that brings "reality" to characters, and makes the relationships seem like real peeps who actually know each other.

I appreciate the back and forths here, guys.  This is how the old OWC's used to be.

Nowadays, once the OWC ends, the threads go dead and most writers don't even chime in to say a few words about what they wrote and why.

I miss those od OWC's!!!!

My first OWC was Feb 2011. I think the general writing is much improved in these though. My entry then would be laughed out of the joint now. Well, our entry this time was panned, but we just crapped it out. I never even(still haven't) read the log, and Dena usually has me do the logs. That Friday was a big treatment/drinking day for me.

Yeah, I read this again this morning and the humor is definitely in the dialog. It matches the tone of what we see too. Like the invasion/neck shooting scene in the men's room.

Or think about the part where Bill tells him his neck somehow got scratched when he found a dead raccoon. The tone of the dialog matches all that action.

Hello there, Mr. Creams. ;D

A nitpick on the writing... You use EXT. RANGE ROVER, shouldn't that be EXT. STREET? I believe you have corrected me on this in the past. :P

Besides that, the writing is excellent.

Story-wise, I'm a little more mixed. I more or less liked it, but I feel like it doesn't really meet the challenge. Not a whole lot of suspense and not time with a vehicle.

Also, some of the logic seems a bit off. Why did Bill wait to infect Austin? Doesn't really make sense to me. Actually, why didn't the dog either?

Still, like I said, I more or less liked it. You did a really good job with the characters and their dialog. They seemed authentic to me.

Not bad, but I enjoyed your last OWC script better.

Trying to get to some entries I missed. Here goes:


I liked the opening imagery. Very visual other than a nit issue – I think lightening follows thunder. Other than that - excellent job on setting the vibe here.

Quoted Text EXT. CHASE BACKYARD – NIGHT

Kind of an odd header. If the resident’s name is Chase – it should be CHASE’S BACKYARD. Same with the headers that follow.

Regardless, I think it provides more info to give us some kind of description of the house in the header rather than the owner anyway. E.g., EXT. RANCH HOUSE - NIGHT

This

Quoted Text The wind howls, causing a multitude of wind chimes, hanging from the covered patio, to sing out into the storm.

Was very visual - a nice environment setter.

Quoted Text Austin looks around groggily, as lightning lights up the master bedroom.

How about lightening illuminates…

This dialogue sequence:

Quoted Text AUSTIN Wow, big storm, huh, Jake? You wanna get in bed with me, Buddy? Jake's tail wags, as he bounds into the big bed, almost landing on MR. WHISKERS, a fluffy white, ten pound cat. Mr. Whiskers MEOWS, playfully swats at Jake. AUSTIN (CONT'D) Easy there, Mr. Whiskers. There's room for all of us.

Was a bit too sugary for me. Sounded closer to a 13 year old child than a middle-aged man.

Most of the dialogue – at least to my ear – between Austin and Jake sounded unnatural. Maybe because I’m a dog owner – but I rarely speak to my dog in full sentences – examples.

This:

Quoted Text AUSTIN OK, Jakes, just a second, Buddy.

Reads more natural as:

AUSTIN
Stay.

Anyway – may be just me.  As a note - the critique here may not be a fair one if indeed your character talks to animals like humans. It just made him seem a bit off kilter for me.

Quoted Text To the gate where Jake waits patiently.

As soon as the gate is open, Jake is gone. Didn’t strike me that Jake should be waiting patiently here (given how hyper he was). Think he should be twitching – ready to bounce out of the gate the second it’s opened.

Quoted Text On the tablet, his wife, DEBBIE CHASE, 40, and very attractive, comes into view.

Weak character description, IMO.

Quoted Text DEBBIE I'm a little burned, very tired, and missing my baby!

Not sure an ! is needed here.

It also struck me as odd that there was no dialogue referencing the storm here. The reason the animals were in the bed was this hellacious storm – you would think he’d mention that.  

Quoted Text AUSTIN Bill? What happened to your neck, Man? Get in here!

Get rid of the get in here – it’s implied. Just – What the hell happened to your neck!?

This exchange lost me a bit.

Quoted Text BILL Strangest thing, Brother...I was out walking in the arroyo, saw a dead coyote, and next thing I know, I'm bleeding. AUSTIN So, the coyote wasn't dead and bit you?

Shouldn’t it be:

BILL
Strangest thing, Brother...I was out
walking in the arroyo, saw a dead
coyote, and next thing I know, I'm
bleeding.

AUSTIN
You got bit by a dead coyote?

This sequence of dialogue was the weakest part of the script for me:

Quoted Text AUSTIN So, you looking forward to seeing your girl? BILL Really? BILL She better not come home with a hickey like last year. She told me it was a rash...like I'd really believe that bullshit? Austin takes a big swig from his beer. AUSTIN Hey, you don't know... BILL I do know, Man...and I bet you and Debbie know too. It's cool. After tonight, everything will be fine.

It’s too on the nose – I can see where Austin would state that he’s looking forward to seeing his girl, but to ask another man if he’s excited about seeing his – seems – well, odd.

Hickey? Not sure I’ve heard that term since high school. These are middle-aged folks – they talking like adolescents.   The sequence sounds like teenagers – not grown men.

Suggestion:

AUSTIN
Man, I’m looking forward to seeing Debbie.

BILL
That’s because she’s not fucking around on you.

AUSTIN
What –-

BILL
Like Selena is on me.

Austin shifts uneasily in his chair.

BILL
Don’t matter though. After tonight, everything’s going to
Be fine.

AUSTIN
What's that supposed to mean?

This doesn’t sound natural to me:

Quoted Text AUSTIN You're seriously freaking me out here. What's wrong with you and what the Hell are you talking about?

Like you’re trying to get all the questions into one set of dialogue. Pick one – either 1) what’s wrong with you? – or 2) what the hell are you talking about? Not both.

Quoted Text Bill pulls the gauze from his neck, and something shoots out, making impact with the man's neck. Almost instantly, the man smiles, winks, as blood oozes out of the wound.

The above raised a logic question for me. If Bill is shooting whatever it is from his neck into people to have them join the Gathering – why wouldn’t have he done that right away with Bill???

This:

Quoted Text BILL Can I drive us back? I've never driven a Range Rover and Serena and I are in the market for a new ride. Cool?

Strains credulity.  They’re best buds – he hasn’t driven his car before AND – the time Bill’s going to let him do it is when a) he thinks Bill is acting crazy and B) Bill is drunk.  Nope – never would happen.

So, you’ve got this contorted logic here all to get Bill to take control of the car – something you need for a coming plot point. Why not just have them take Bill’s car in the first place???

And then followed with this very awkward reaction.

Quoted Text AUSTIN Let's do it!

He’s excited???? Why – because if they get in a horrible accident he gets a new car – I mean if he lives I guess. This is a really unnatural exchange – and again – not needed if they are just in Bill’s car to start with.

THE STORY - liked it for the most part. Liked the forecasting used with the animals -  i.e., showing us the fate that humans are in store for.

Descriptions were pretty vivid for the most part.

Dialogue was weak. The characters didn't sound their age and some of the dialogue seem forced/unnatural.

Good luck with his going forward.

Thanks for reading, Zack.

Quoted from Zack A nitpick on the writing... You use EXT. RANGE ROVER, shouldn't that be EXT. STREET? I believe you have corrected me on this in the past. :P

Yes, great catch.  I can't believe I didn't see that.

Quoted from Zack Story-wise, I'm a little more mixed. I more or less liked it, but I feel like it doesn't really meet the challenge. Not a whole lot of suspense and not time with a vehicle.

Many have said the same thing.  My plan was to have more take place in the car, but I rambled on so much at the beginning.  I did try and have real tension and horror in the car, but I guess I didn't succeed.

Quoted from Zack Also, some of the logic seems a bit off. Why didn't Bill wait to infect Austin? Doesn't really make sense to me. Actually, why didn't the dog either?

These sorts of questions don't work for me.  Why did the quail cross the road and get hit by a car?  Who knows why peeps or animals do stuff?  Why didn't any of James Bonds' Antags just kill him when they had the chance?  Why don't the bad guys just blow up Ethan Hunt's house when he's home to get rid of him?

Thanks for reading, brother.

Quoted from Dreamscale These sorts of questions don't work for me.  Why did the quail cross the road and get hit by a car?  Who knows why peeps or animals do stuff?  Why didn't any of James Bonds' Antags just kill him when they had the chance?  Why don't the bad guys just blow up Ethan Hunt's house when he's home to get rid of him?

What I mean is that whatever this infestation is, it seems to be intelligent. Its actions, however, are inconsistent.

Infected Jake doesn't hesitate to go right after Mr. Whiskers, and later infected Bill shows no hesitation when going after the man in the bathroom. Why does infected Bill wait to attack Austin? He has plenty of opportunities to do so. Hell, there's even a point where all three infected have Austin outnumbered in the house.

Is there something special about Austin that makes them want to wait? Just doesn't make sense to me.

Could just be me, so take it with a bucket of salt. ;D

Dave, thanks for your notes.  I wish I had time to respond to everything, but being Mother's Day Weekend, I don't.

One thing I do want to say is that I and everyone I know, talks to their dogs and cats as if they were real people.  IN fact, we have a dog named Jake and all the nicknames I used, are real ones we use for him.  We think of his as a little human.

Thanks again, bro.  I appreciate the feedback very much.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dave, thanks for your notes.  I wish I had time to respond to everything, but being Mother's Day Weekend, I don't. One thing I do want to say is that I and everyone I know, talks to their dogs and cats as if they were real people.  IN fact, we have a dog named Jake and all the nicknames I used, are real ones we use for him.  We think of his as a little human. Thanks again, bro.  I appreciate the feedback very much.

No prob. Just trying to get around to ones I misses - hoping for two a week - You may be dead on about people and pets - like I said - could be just me