Most Desire by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A strange black liquid keeps on filling up the bathtub of a family home, to enter it will change all of their lives. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon,

I liked the theme and the black liquid was nice and weird.

The writing needs work and there are some typos, i.e 'notes' should be 'note'.

'William next forces Logan inside his bedroom and points him to his bed.'  You don't need the word 'next', plus we already know he next by the action of his father.

For me in a few instances the dialogue doesn't seem age appropriate and is a little on the nose. i.e.

CHARLOTTE
Enter to get what you most desire.
What do you think all of this
means?

Maybe, 'I don't get it, do you?


LOGAN
We can’t allow dad just to keep on
getting rid of it.

The word 'allow' seems too adult a word to use. But this is just me... the word 'let' maybe?

The liquid in the tub seems to come out of nowhere, there is no build up with it, or proper introduction. I can see it being shown at the very beginning, slowly oozing out. The reality of the kids paying more attention to  going camping,  and the father needing a quiet weekend while there is this mysterious liquid and note being left behind,  doesn't make sense.

Okay I have to stop here, got to get to work, will finish this soon....

Good family-film style short. One thing that threw me is that this black liquid has appeared in the tub for the tenth time in one week! I would think the panic or concern would happen after two or three times at most, especially if they get getting notes along with it too. The the Father says, "Next time this happens let me know." Again, that should have happened much sooner, or maybe just change the number of times its happened.

The ending was nice and wholesome. The son being turned into a statue wasn't really explained, though most would be able to figure out what it means: He wants to be perfect, statuesque.

In the end Dad fixes things for the kids: What they most desire is for him to show them attention and have fun and go camping. BUT, nobody desires to have Mom back?  

Interesting! He chose camping with the kids, over his wife. Obviously, it wasn't a happy marriage...Lol.  

I like the originality of it and how you've meshed the the drama with the Sci fi  to make it a more interesting.

The others have made a good point about the mother not being in the picture.

It left me with a 'feel good' feeling, which is great, you got me feeling.

So it just needs a tweak in regards to the writing and a bit more work on the logistics of the liquid, note and what they might truly desire.

Good Luck with it!