Hi Jeremy,
I love this slug, it works really well with the general feeling of the script:
Quoted Text INT. CAR - THE WITCHING HOUR |
Some fantastic imagery:
Quoted Text The picture and the house start to merge together. The
past, encroaching on the present. |
Quoted Text SUPER:
1995
END SUPER |
That’s a lot of lines for a super and completely unnecessary. I'd just go with SUPER: "1995"
I'd turn off the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages, it's unsightly and obviously it’s continued, we can tell from the page numbers.
Quoted Text Chris and Andy follow the Shadow Man into the lounge.
|
You need a new slug as you’ve changed locations from the front door to the lounge. A mini slug would suffice.
Quoted Text Andy forcibly grabs Chris by the arm, leads him into the
kitchen. Chris glares reproachfully at Andy and the hand
that holds his arm. Andy timidly lets go.
|
Another change of location that isn’t indicated with a slug.
A few small things like (OS) better as (O.S.), personal preference. Some missing punctuation when addressing people directly in dialogue, and a bit of passive writing here and there.
But to be honest this is really hard to fault. The dialogue is fantastic, especially the Shadow Man's. The story is incredibly well crafted, you had me in for the ride the whole way.
I can see why this has done well in the comps, I hope you’re working on a feature version.
You’ve definitely got talent, congrats on a great script.