Delivered by Robert Salone - Short, Thriller - A family sits down to Sunday brunch when a Russian sits down with them and hands their Father a brown envelop out of the blue and tells him his mission details are inside and to take care of his family. 6 pages  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I liked the writing style. The short, abrupt descriptions complimented the action portrayed. I would have liked to have had a scene in the church. It felt as though that was just cut out as a way to get them to the restaurant. There could have been some tension there I feel and also symbolism/analogy.

Your logline says the Driver is a Russian but one couldn't tell from reading the script.

Thank you for the in depth and insightful feedback. You have given me a lot to consider for the update.

The logline is terrible - way too many 'ands'... that usually means that if I open the script that the writing inside will not be up to a pro standard. Maybe I will be wrong on this occasion?

I think you can write but you're confused regarding how to write a screenplay. Your sentences don't make sense. Here is one of your sentences:

Code Military haircut.

You don't seem to have any 'ands' on the first page, yet your logline is littered with them. The style you have chosen to write this script is not one I can enjoy reading. As such, I couldn't get past the first page.

Robert

Some extraneous slugline formatting at the beginning aside, this is actually decently written.

However, there is no story here. There is a set up, an indication of a story but then it ends just as its beginning.

I don't get it.

Also, your logline pretty much tells us everything of note that happens.

Col.

I'll will work on the Tag line -- this started out as a group assignment for a five minute film project, but your point is well taken. I will continue to work on the full story and resubmit at a later date. Stay tuned. and thank you.