The Potato Chip Man - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, May 17th, 2019, 3:51pm

The Potato Chip Man by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - The kids who taunt an old man find out that he has razor-sharp teeth. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), May 18th, 2019, 2:43am; Reply: 1

I read this last night. The writing could do with another polish - some tightening. Aside from that, it's a very basic story. However, film is not all about story and this is visual enough that it will be fun - not to mention easy - project for an aspiring filmmaker to pick up.

Good luck.

Posted by: Rob, May 18th, 2019, 4:03pm; Reply: 2

Thanks for the feedback, Dustin. Yes, this project would be reliant 100 percent on the visuals and atmosphere established by the filmmaker.

Posted by: Arundel, May 19th, 2019, 12:37pm; Reply: 3

Enjoyed reading this. Dialog was readable and felt authentic. Descriptions could visualize. Only thing not too crazy about was when Old Man speaks at the end. "Soon, Billy." Felt like a tacky add-on. Overall mostly solid.

Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 20th, 2019, 10:39am; Reply: 4

Wow... I do love this little story. Would be some special effects and after effects for it to look really cool but it could be done on modest budget. Good little story.

Enjoyed reading this.

Posted by: Zack, May 22nd, 2019, 4:11pm; Reply: 5

Sorry, Rob. This one doesn't work for me.

The writing itself is pretty good. And the dialog was solid all the way around, so kudos there. I know how hard it is to write dialog for kids, and I think you pulled it off.

What doesn't work for me is the story. There is just nothing there. Kids harass a weird old man, who then attacks them in a restroom. But like you said, this is more about the visuals than it is the story.

Not a bad effort.

Posted by: ReaperCreeper, July 23rd, 2019, 4:39pm; Reply: 6

I dug this one. It felt like a short-story, and a sort of moralistic one at that. It reminds me of some things I've written in the past.

I liked the little detail that the Potato Chip Man's bite seemed to be corrosive somehow. That should play out interestingly on the screen.

One potentially hard thing to overcome as far as filming it would be that the characters are all really young; maybe if you aged them up just a tad, prospective filmmakers would be able to get better actors more easily.

The kids' dialogue seemed a bit off to me; i.e., I've never heard a kid (or anybody) say "you rot" to somebody. Then again, it might be a regional thing.

It was a solid effort. You could tighten up a prose just a tad, but there's little objectively wrong with it. You could leave it as is and it'd be fine.

What can I say? I liked it. :)