Sprung by Kandice Caffrey - A couple struggles to follow the recent rules and regulations thrust upon society after entering a new era. It is recommended they attend therapy, that is overseen by a demon inside a vessel. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy

Hi writer,

Quoted Text In the middle of the night

We already know that it's night. If the middle of the night is somehow important it would be better in a SUPER.

Quoted Text A young woman named TABITHA

Could easily be shortened to - TABITHA, 20, ...

Quoted Text THERAPIST (beat) I see. You didn't answer my question. You daft bitch.

Some tone issues early on. EDIT - coming back to this, I get it now, but without the logline this doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Its getting pretty weird, pretty fast, lets see where this goes.

Quoted Text So your boyfriend?

So you're the boyfriend?

That was a crazy ride, cant say I really enjoyed it. The comedy doesn't work for me.

My least favourite so far, sorry.

All the best.

I found the tone of this one rather odd and disconcerting.

No clue or buildup to lines like this, (below) from the therapist:

I see. You didn't answer my
question. You daft bitch.

Whoa! Just seems out of the blue and jarring. Probably meant to be humorous but unfortunately the comedy didn't work for me and the horror felt a bit forced.

Sorry, everything was just a bit over the top.

Sprung

P2 it reads a bit stilted but I dig the negative is positive concept, there's potential

P4 I don't like that you describe the figure's look that late. It completely slowed down my read. That part should be placed at the mysterious 'Rethussalambo will help you' part that I enjoyed. Ahh,, maybe you didn't find the best balance there yet – no shame – but as said, as it is, it brings my read to a halt because I made "my reader's demon" already up as you refused to describe it before.

There are minor issues (like Horror was rather light….), however, all in all this is very refreshing entertainment to me. I like your methods, there's a surprising element everywhere without letting all structure go.

Extra: So, now about the insider: why the hell is the Doc smoking a cigarette in green paper?  'mota'?

Good good.

pg. 1 - I agree with others that the doctor’s second response is very jarring, though I believe that may be intentional.
pg. 1 - ‘Tabitha slaps Brandon’ also wasn’t expecting this.
pg. 2 - I like the breezy reveal of the world the characters live in.
pg. 2 - I found it funny how the doctor smells the entity.
pg. 3 - Funny how the doctor exits the office.
pg. 4 - I really like the description you have of the demon bobblehead, it sounds very scary, though I agree with the previous comment that the description should be announced soon as it is pulled from the drawer.
pg. 5 - Funny, over-the-top fight scene.

This was really well-written, with no grammar or spelling mistakes I could spot. It was disturbing and funny at parts. I really enjoyed the concept and how you toyed with my expectations.

I'll admit, I enjoyed this entry. What does that say about me?

So, you went all in on the good is bad/bad is good world, and that's what makes it work for me.

I like that the couple clearly love each other and that's what creates this odd push/pull in their relationship. Very deft writing.

Yes, several of the lines were very jarring. And, yes, they absolutely slowed the read. And, yes, I did have to reread the first page multiple times before moving on... just to grasp the world I was in. But, as I said... it worked.

I think the reason I'm drawn to this, despite the horrific elements and the uncomfortable content... is that the writer really went out and tried something completely different.

High marks from me.

Only negative... the writing could be tighter. "watches porn on his computer on his desk"... "on his computer" is enough. "A tear rolls out of Tabitha's eye and down her cheek."... "A tear rolls down Tabitha's cheek." (Where else could it have come from?)

Overall, good job!

Hmmm, I really don't know what to say.

I didn't like a single thing about this.  It wasn't funny, there was no horror, there was no story, no character in any of the characters, writing was odd, stilted, awkward.

Bobblehead use very odd, to say the least and IMO, didn't make any sense at all.

Easily the worst I've read, sorry to say.

Hi Writer,

You had a lot of fun writing this, didn't you?

The horror is light but the script is very imaginative and somewhat original.

Like Paul, I enjoyed the ride (I know I shouldn't, but I did :P), but it took me a little to see what was going on.

This was the line that enlightened me:

Quoted Text BRANDON (CONT'D) In reaching the daily quota of expressed-hatred.

Until then, I had no clue where the script was going.

The ending falls a little flat IMO and some of the dialogue is excessively bombastic, but I like the position you put this couple in and the world you created.

A good effort overall.

David

I don't know how I feel about this one.  On one hand, it's not badly written, on the other hand, there's just not much to the story, at least from my viewpoint.  I not even sure what genre to put this in?  There's nothing horrific about it, and the comedy, if any, is slight.  Still, it was an interesting us of the bobble head and there was some back and forth that wasn't bad.  I'm just not sure it was anything that would fully hold my attention, but maybe it comes across better on the screen.


Best of luck,
Gary

Too many exclamation points in the dialog I would say.

I liked the world you created, but at some point it kind of escapes me. They have to be bad, to try to be worse. Maybe you could sharpen the dialog and leave less of it.

The part where Rehu(whatever his extremely long name is) speaks is weird I'd say. You didn't set it up, it's very sudden. And there's no pay off for it, or maybe the pay off is not overly satisfactory.

I'd say it would read much better if you sharpen that dialog and work on it more. And also the Renu has to be thought through. For me he came out of blue.

Not for me. I bailed on page two, I'm sorry to say.

I'm afraid I couldn't complete this. I won't score it.

Working to find some way to be constructive. On page one, she mentions getting all these thank you cards for the relationship they present to the world. Maybe this is explained later, but when something weird is added like that, it's risky. If it works, you intrigue the reader to keep going to find out if it's explained. Maybe they are a celebrity couple. Maybe they have a youtube channel or an advice column. I mean it's really weird for people to be sending them thank you cards.

Then in the next dialog, the therapist calls her a bitch. I know this is comedy, but there has to be a reason he calls her bitch and she doesn't care.

So what we have is an amateur script that on page 1 lines up two things in succession that beg for explanation. I read a couple more pages to see it it felt like the writer had control of the story, which meant those questions might have satisfying answers, but I didn't sense this.

Obviously you have to take some chances with comedy. I would be careful about adding things that might seem random to the reader. You want to the reader asking the kind of questions that keep him turning the page, but not the kind of questions that will merely leave him puzzled.

I see this is somewhat of an attempt at comedy.  The horror more slapstick.  It feels almost like a pisstake rather than a serious comedy.  I normally like pissers, but this didn't hit the right tone for me.  Sorry.

All the best.

It took a bit to get to understanding this. It's not set up well, you should really hint at the rules of this world right away rather than make us wait. But once it gets going, it starts to make sense and becomes kind of enjoyable.

Well, not really. It might be cathartic to write something like this, but I didn't get much out of it, other than appreciating how you flipped my expectation on its head. Clever idea, decent execution, but definitely not for everyone.

I actually think the answer might be to go even further with it. Push harder, make us really cringe. Amp it up to ultra-violence. You could even dial down the emotion behind it all and just make it about the violence, a do more harm world with no real intent. It's nothing personal, it's just the way of things now.

The writing is good despite the poor character intros (previously commented on). Establish the tone better early on and get right into the rules and this could work.

This isn't a horror though. Violence is not horror. It's dark comedy, and it could be action with tweaks. And I don't get the title. What does Sprung have to do with this?

Interesting setup which I didn't quite buy, but it is well written.

Bobblehead felt a little shoe-horned but I'll let it slide as I liked the idea of the demon.

"a body covered in the long, matted fir" I have visions of pine needles everywhere which made me laugh, even if itwasn't supposed to.

Liked this one overall.

The reverse therapy story was a good choice, but I think it would've been more effective if Rethussalambo had been introduced sooner, since Therapist is really just the mouthpiece. And Reth's long speech on page 4 is boring. Maybe if Therapist and Reth are working at cross-purposes  would be funnier. Therapist keeps reverting to his old habit of trying to do good, while Reth keeps pushing hate.

This was a good bit of world-building, but there wasn't any real movement in the story... this read more like the introductory scene of a story which could be a better take on the Ferengi do-unto-others-before-they-do-unto-you dystopia. If this was to be a self-contained story, we'd need to see the couple struggle against the demon's influence, even if they ultimately fail.

Better tension with some back-and-forth as they fall under his sway and come back to their senses... out of sync with one another. I just don't see a way to paint a picture of this world and have a man-vs-society struggle in five pages.

The world and characters are goofy which gets credit as an attempt at comedy, and the horror is more atmospheric than gory. Probably closer to black comedy than horror-comedy, but fusion is hard and the writer made a serious attempt here. I like the pace of the world-building here... a lot of "Did I read that right?" which should translate to "Did I hear that right?" for an audience, followed by an "Ah, that's what's happening" without leaving the reader hanging. But... and this is a big but... it consumed too much of the five pages. Like I said, as written (without the couple struggling on-screen), this is more like an intro to the world than a story set in that world.

Gutsy attempt, kudos for that.

Code In the middle of the night, a THERAPIST watches porn on his computer on his desk.

This is awkwardly written and reads as though the Therapist is sitting on the desk. It doesn't actually specify sitting, I suppose he could be standing on it too. We also can't just know it's the middle of the night because you tell us so. It must be visually pointed out or specified in dialogue somehow.

Code There's a loud knock at the door.

Passive. This is also a comedy... maybe the loud knock on the door makes him prematurely ejaculate and he has to wipe it all away before the customer comes in.

Code A young woman named TABITHA, and her boyfriend, BRANDON...

No description that helps reveal who they are as people. The visual here is very poor. What type of young people am I meant to see?


The dialogue is good and the writing improves once you get into the flow. I didn't like this but I didn't not like it either. It's pretty decent just because it flips things on its head, which is always good for at least a smile or two.. The Bobblehead thing didn't work very well in this story and actually harms it, hence you turning it into a demon. You were clearly uncomfortable with that aspect of the challenge and it shows.

"You daft bitch"? I hope that goes someplace... It went someplace, alright. Curious what others will say about this one. I didn't care for it much. It tried way too hard to be something and I'm not sure what. Not very horrific and not sure that plain silliness counts as humor. But it does register humor. What does the title have to do with the story? Must have missed that. The therapist was the only character that I remotely connected with, otherwise, they were just kind of present.

The 'daft bitch' thing is clearly due to they being in a world where evil and being horrible is the norm. Calling her a 'daft bitch' is a term of endearment in this world.

It's pretty obvious to me.


That's the comedy situation... imagine a world where... That makes it a comedy on its own. Couple that with the fact that we are in a world where horror is normal... we have the horror aspect covered.