Virtual Vengeance Container by Anonymous - A therapist convinces his trauma patient of a virtual reality role-play. 5 pages - Short, Sci Fi, Horror

Strong entry, until the last page when it fizzled out into nothing by introducing characters and themes that had nothing to do with the set up or the body of the story.

Still, the genre elements were decent. The bobblehead thing was a bit incidental..it could have been anything else.

Hello writer

I do like Sci-fi - You set up the look, feel and technology well - a small glimpse into a bigger world.

The ending - I don't know if I have this right, but I read it as Dr Kee is killing patients (well, this one at least) on behalf of insurance companies because the patients are costing them too much money - I scratched my head at the ending for a few moments before that realisation came to me - I am probably being slow.

Anyway, I quite liked it - The writing was very good, the horror element could be ramped up as you had another page and a half to play with.

The bobblehead element seems a little forced - they were relevent to the story no doubt, but it seems like making them bobbleheads was an afterthought

Matt

It's a decent effort.  I enjoyed the beginning more.  Nicely set up.

The one thing I would question is the second Keith.  Is that a normal size Keith like the first one or is he bobblehead Keith?

So what benefit does Dr. Kee get from killing off the client?  Isn’t that taking money from his pocket?  Or if the insurance company is paying him to kill off patients so save money, how much do they have to pay for that?  Just seems weird.

You did fuse the sci-fi and horror elements together pretty well here, so good job with that. I’m not sure I bought into the story ending.  I might have had her husband come in and save her at the end, maybe killing not just Keith, but Dr. kee as well. That would have been different.  but otherwise I thought it was fairly well written. Good effort.

Best of luck,
Gary

First cab off the review rank!

Very well written with a good flow. I disagree with the other reviews that the dolls were incidental - I thought they were used well and fitted in with the high tech theme.

Look its tough to fit a complete story in 5 pages as opposed to a glimpse of a scene but this one was pretty good for that. It seems like the writer had this cool concept but the page restraint forced things to happen quicker.

Anyway good job and i liked it.

PS - writer is perhaps a music/culture buff? Keith, Hendrix, Becker lol. And John Lennon once spent the night with an Aussie Jenny Kee on their Aussie tour in 1964 lol

Hi writer,

Quoted Text He gazes through his black-rimmed glasses at the thousands of raindrops that roll down the pane. Beyond this water film, there is constant lightning on the horizon. The flashes strike that frequently, they illuminate the whole therapy office of metallic chairs, abstract art, and glass furniture.

I think this could be tightened up, you spend a lot of lines setting the mood for a 5 page script.

It’s overly descriptive.

Quoted Text She makes small steps

takes small steps?

Quoted Text Amanda slumps into the glass sofa, which consists of an elastic matter that perfectly forms around her butt.

The images are a bit all over the place, initially you said filled with metallic chairs, now we have a glass/elastic sofa. It's unclear to me what I'm meant to be seeing

Some awkward writing, I'm thinking English may not be a first language.

The bobbleheads feel forced into this situation, especial considering the futurist world you tried to build.

The ending left me scratching my head.

I feel like the genre requirements were met, but the writing could definitely use some work.

All the best.

So, I really liked the idea of the bobbleheads as virtual reality/healing devices. I had to overlook the comedic nature of a typical bobblehead, but that's not that big a deal... and certainly not an issue outside of the tourney (I'm assuming you'd adjust the script element if you did a rewrite.)

I completely disagree with how you ended things. A really interesting idea just fizzled into nothing. That's too bad. My suggestion would be to chop everything after she gets into the virtual world and build out something bigger (once you're free of the 5 page limitation.)

To that end, consider playing the ending sequence more straight. She actually confronts the killer (though be careful... this is supposed to be a therapy tool) and comes to some level of understanding/forgiveness/peace.

Of course, it's your story... so, tell it your way. but, I hope you'll consider a different ending to an interesting beginning.

I really wanted to like this and then it lost me. I guess I just don't understand the insurance scam and why would they go to all the hi-tech to make her braindead. I think I would've preferred a fight between the two in which she loses and the doctor is bewildered since it never happened before? IDK, I'm just rambling. Still, why the scam?

You had some good characters and dialog, I think you met the fusion criteria, and the prose was pretty decent. Good job, writer.

Notes as I read

Shouldn't the patient come in dripping wet? Or is the window just a virtual decoration? If it's the latter, emphasize that she's dry.

End notes as I read

Ok. This feels like a really good writer rushed for time. The set up feels like the Matrix. Which could really work well if she is, like Neo, already within a virtual world. This would explain her dryness coming through the door.

Then everything just kind of wraps up easy with a not-very-memorable twist.

I'm inclined to give a moderate score here and expect much better things in a future round.

Straitghforward story well told.
Easy to read an understand.

For some reason I was not connected enough.  The characters are quite bleak for me, maybe that's why.

I don't agree with the genres here. It's neither sci-fi nor it's a horror.

Virtual role-playing? I got excited for a second, picturing Sandra Bollock in skimpy jams. You handily steered clear of Demolition Man though.

There's a lot of set up that builds towards something that never pays off. Or does it pay off in an unexpected way? If so, it's really unclear since there are no motives given for why it ends the way it ends. Who was behind it, the faceless corporation or the killer? And what do they gain by it?

The writing was solid except for a few mis-steps and a couple of head-scratching decisions. The doctor was inconsequential, and the bobbleheads were only bobbleheads because they had to be. Still, criteria met, though it is very light on horror. More like thriller.

Nicely done, just clear up the ending.

This was a little all over the place for me.

The bobblehead felt entirely co-incidental and in terms of the actual storry kinda cheapened it... but I did like the central idea of virtual vengence.

The ending left me scratching my head again.

I think there's a decent story here, I'd suggest re-writing it outside of the constraints of the challenge.

Hi Writer,

Really cool concept! Kudos for that!

It started so, so well that I got my hopes up! But then, damn... the ending didn't work. Not at all!

If it wasn't for the ending it'd be one of my favs.

Anyway, the writing is good, mostly, and I like the concept and the execution, except for the ending, so it'll score good.

Good job,
David

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I think there's a decent story here, I'd suggest re-writing it outside of the constraints of the challenge.

I'm with Anthony. There's a good story in there...

Interesting way to control health-care costs. Amanda has obviously been in therapy a long time (costing the insurance company a ton of money), so you'd think she'd embrace any new therapy that promises to alleviate her misery. And why did Dr. Kee suddenly turn from helpful therapist to killer? It would be more believable if he'd just been assigned Amanda's case by the insurance company because of his unique therapeutic approach. And using high-tech dolls as the vehicle to delete Amanda seems like elaborate overkill.

This is dark as Hell! My kind of stuff. ;D

Very creative. Some really good imagery.

Not a fan of Dr. Kee's dialog. It's not awful, but it's kind of bland. Could be punched up a bit more I think.

Like the ending. It's a satisfying gut-punch. Lol

Still, one of the better ones so far IMO.

OK, so hopefully, you  won't take this the wrong way, but your opening Slug can be so much better...so easily...just take out "PSYCHIATRIC"   Why ad that?  You don't need to.

Same thing in 1st passage - why add "ethnicity"?  No reason.

2rd passage, way overwritten.  Visual writing and some detail is good, but this is too much.

3th passage is getting awkward.

4th passage is visual, but you can do the exact same thing in 3 lines, not 4.

Well, although cool, glass will not form around anyone's arse.

"He takes seat at the opposite sofa." - Oh now...I need to look back at every time I bring this up, because it must be the same writer - why...oh why, don't you have "a" in  front of seat?  Why?  Seriously...why?

OK, sorry, but I'm not buying any of this, for some reason...just seems kind of far fetched, but maybe it's just me.

WOW...FADE TO BLACK totally misformatted...and really just a big turn off.

"The psychiatrist room slowly LIGHTENS." - Just about as awkward and not good as I can think of.  Poorly written.

"Both Keithes" - WTF?  Why is there an "e" in here?  I'm lost, sorry to say.

So, we go BLACK again and never FADE back IN?  Is the rest of this supposed to be all OVER BLACK?

OK, so I guess I kind of get it and I guess there is a story here, although completely ludicrous, in terms of a reality based plot.

Story - Yes, there is a story here.
Characters - Ummm...I don't know.
Dialogue - Not terrible...I guess.
Prose - Not terrible, as in the read, but lots of rookie misteks
Criteria - Sci Fi horror and bobbleheads - well...yeah, sure, I guess.

This is another one that may score better than it should.  It's not good, IMO, but it squeaks by, so that's points.

Terrific premise.

I just felt a bit let down that the story promised didn't eventuate. You set it up nicely but then introduce a twist which negated the main conflict.

Bobblehead use was good initially but I wanted to see them in a virtual face-off.
Your denouement seems all about meshing that second genre but was strangely anticlimactic.

A good idea that needs developing more imho.

The writing is a little clunky, but eff me, I love the visuals of the first few action blocks. In fact the only thing that took me out of the read to write this in the little message box here is that you put RINGS in uppercase. It's not wrong, I just hate that shit. It's unnecessary.

If you don't do that shit and just write 'rings'... then later in the story say somebody gets shot unexpectedly then you can add something like BANG! As this will have more impact.

Old Skool scripts may have used this shit.. apparently so the sound guy knew where the effects were... but it's unnecessary and not needed today. Use uppercase sparingly. You may never need one. It's not like a script needs at least one. However, there will be rare moments when it will help give your writing more impact. Just using them will nilly nullifies impact and becomes format. Ew.

Does this shit matter, you might ask? Only if you want to perfect your craft, IMO.


Oh yeah... also 'stands still' at the window tripped me up. I thought to myself, well, if he was dancing at the window you would have written that. That he is still can be construed from the fact that he is standing at the window. If he was shaking, you'd write that. I ignored that though for favour of building the image. Funny how I can let that fly but then the uppercase takes me out of the read. Now he also CLAPS his hands.

Code AMANDA BECKER, 38, pale, long brown hair, comes in.

Comes in... a teacup? Sorry... but whenever you get the urge to write 'comes in' just give yourself a mental slap. There has to be a better way to describe her entry in to the room.

She 'makes' small steps?

Code Dr. Kee gets up, turns his back on her and makes some steps.

What?

A lot in this story tripped me up. I think this is an ESL writer. There are flashes of greatness in the opening. The visual writing, despite some errors, is very good in the opening. Later however, it collpases. The story comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Written without any idea of where it was going in the first place. A 'write it and see' attitude. Unfortunately, this hasn't worked for you this time.