Dr. Schnederly, Mobile Psychiatrist - WT

I got a smile out of the opening, so kudos for that. You can write comedy dialogue, which is a rare gift.

I lost interest in the horror bit, I don't think the denouement was really set up by the opening scene. The surreal doctor and the horror part didn't feel in sync some way that I would find hard to verbalise.

It feels like it should be a story focusing either on this crazy Doctor, or on two crazy killers who kill people. The two together felt off.

The story should end with William leaving the RV in shrunken pants, After that it kind of falls apart. To that point, it had a very nice flow and made good sense. I liked the idea of the mobile shrink, nice original take on the location requirement. Although using a bobble head as a killing instrument, probably not very reliable. I'll have to give it a try!

Hello writer

OK, I like this one.

Writing - Very good, my kind of writing - easy peasy read and good visuals.

Light on the horror really, I guess it's hard trying to fuse comedy and horror - I've never tried but they feel like opposite emotions so trying to get me to feel both of them in 5 pages seems tough. I liked the comedic tone (the small clothes on the husband, the douting wife turned phsycho) - I thought it played out nicely.

I didn't feel the connection between their actions and their motives - I get it, dishing out their own kind of justice - but I don't think I got a good feel for whether the doc deserved it or not - I knew nothing about him, pretty much as soon as I met him he went down.

Anyway, well done

Matt

oh, wanted to add - the ending dialogue with the italian killed it a little bit, i'd try and change that up to something more relevent... or funny

Code

Lulu sits on a couch as Dr. Schnederly starts a clock -- much like a taxi driver starts the meter.

I like this idea but it would be so much better if rather than a clock it was actually a taxi meter just clicking over cents and dollars.

Yeah, this is again done badly. The horror is played straight and I'm not talking about Evil Dead 2 kinda straight, because with that the comedy is within the action itself. The hand crawling across the floor, for example, is played straight by the actor but the action is clearly played for laughs. Although we find it hilarious, he doesn't, which makes it even funnier.

This one started out promising and then went bad when you introduced the straight horror. A simple and inelegant story that started out well.

I liked this story. Felt it met the criteria. The ending was good too.

I think if you had Barry (Lulu) speak to the doctor, it would be a nice angle.

Ok, I had a good laugh out of this one. So far one of my favorites. A nice blend of the horror and comedy and Lulu is certifiably psycho. And the visuals of her husband throughout are well crafted.

This is a great original idea utilizing the parameters of the challenge. The humor is spot on, almost Fargo-esque. So a well-done from me.

Best of luck,
Gary

Enjoyed the opening of this and liked the characters of Lulu and William... thought the idea of a mobile shrink was great too.

But the end didn't work so well for me, felt something was missing - though not sure what, sorry!

Bungalow?  I don't quite get where we are.

Strange...very strange.

Story - I guess the story is Lulu and William just go around killing peeps for no apparent reason.  Is that even a story?  Not so sure.

Characters - Pretty good.  Lulu is whacko, William is rather funny, and the good Doctor even has some character.

Dialogue - Good.  Some funny and weird lines.

Prose - Solid.  No real complaints.

Criteria - The horror is extremely light, but I guess it's there.  the comedy is front center, as is/are the bobbleheads.

This will score well, although for me, i can't say I really liked it...at all.  Title is extremely misleading, as this has very little to do with the doctor.

Dr. Schnederly, Mobile Psychiatrist

A rather striking title here – good job

The interactions when the RV starts (The Doctor stands line… ) read unclear. It feels constructed how sudden it goes into the plot point of her striking him because the whole dialogue before was rather lame and there was no interaction that naturally set it up. The Doctor should imo somehow f.i. jolt up 'why the fuck is the vehicle moving' or whatever. It does not feel vivid, or better said real, as it is presented.

All in all it felt too 'wanted, forced and pushed' which isn't even a bad attitude since you, well, wanted to get something done and get it in the best direction you could work with. The storyline then was all over the place up to that curios revelation of her motive. However, I appreciate you fought your way through here.

Writer,

Seems to be rhyme or reason with this one so it kind of lost credibility. Lulu “wallops” the Dr with the bobble head? How freakin big is this bobble head? I’ve known them to be quite small so it would have to be pretty large to brain that guy to death. Horror, as introduced, wasn’t scary. More comedy, as you stated.

Steve

Yeah this is like some of the other horror/comedy attempts in that they are both shoehorned it to fit the fusion

Competently written with some funny lines so a good effort

Hi writer,

BUNGALOW doesn’t give me much of an image to work with.

The writing is pretty good, the only thing that's jumping out at me is the excessive use of em dashes for no apparent reason.

Lulu's motivation is a bit lost on me, I mean I get it, but really?

One of the better attempts, but I felt this went south once the horror was introduced.

All the best.

Hi
I have no idea why she and Barry did that. Did I miss something? I mean she would have done it for a purpose, right?
If she's a slasher its not an engaging one. I dont know what a good slasher needs, probably some conflict much like everything else. I didnt lfind conflict in this one and I guess yhats the reason it went over my head.

I really liked the opening three pages. I would have been perfectly content sitting through her session with a twist at the end to make it a story.

The second half is far less fun. Knocking someone out for a prolonged period of time with a bobblehead stretches believability beyond the breaking point. Motive? She's bat-shit crazy, which is fine, but she's going to teach him to "treat people right?" So the cage is to imprison the doctor for brainwashing? Much cleaner to just kill him and he's only the latest victim in a long line of them. Of course they drove one of the most recognizable vehicles straight to their lair, so none of this makes sense.

You had a good thing going and tried to infuse horror into it, and it isn't even horror. Horror isn't watching someone be a horrible person, especially if they aren't even doing anything horrible.

High marks for character, dialogue, and writing. The story needs a lot more.

The story was good, and I liked the characters. Only problem I had was with the single blow from the bobblehead laying out Schnederly. Unless Barry is made of depleted uranium, you might want to use a heavier device.

The Mobile Psychiatrist is a good premise for a bigger script. And Dr. Schnederly is too good of a character to die! It should be he who triumphs, and installs bobbles with Lulu and William's heads in his own collection of troublesome patients and/or late-payers.

Hmm, this one started out well. But it really fizzles out after the doctor is killed. I think you had an opportunity to build up the suspense a bit more.

Some of the dialog was pretty funny, but on a whole this was kinda bland. Not a very satisfying story IMO.

Still, a solid effort here. :)

This is an excellent script. Very funny, though light on horror. I really like how you incorporated bobbleheads into your story. No real faults, I thought it was the fastest read so far, except I felt the sequence after the doctor is taken to their house dragged more than the other parts of your script.

My favorite (and most humorous) bit of the whole story was the husband, William. Everything else was just so random. I wish we could've just had more of him.

You had me for the first 2/3 of the story and then it lost my interest when she bashed the doc with Barry. The mobile doc was a great idea but it wasn't (and should've) been key to the story.

It had some comedy and an unsuccessful attempt at horror. But it tried. Decent writing, characters and dialog. I just didn't find it too funny.

Hi Writer,

I liked the opening, the idea of the shrink in the RV is great, but then all went a little downhill.

I think I know what you were going for, but William and Lulu motivations are not properly introduced, as well as why they kidnap people and print bobble-heads of them instead of just killing them. IMO this needs a little more explanation. As it is, it feels a little random, or forced.

But it's nice that you tried something original. The writing is good and you'll score good in characters, dialogue and prose. The horror is light, but the parameters are meet. No complaints in that area.

All the best,
David

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