Coming Up Roses by Thorn Forrester - A lonely sanitation worker gets lessons in love and seduction. - Short, Comedy, Romance

Hi writer,

Quoted Text They talk as they walk.

No need to tell us they talk, as it's followed by dialogue, we know that they talk. I think that space would be better used setting the scene.

Quoted Text THE SOUND OF A SHRILL WHISTLE (PRE LAP)

I know what this is now :)

Quoted Text She’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid eyes on.

I don’t think this aside adds much as there is no way for us to know that.

Quoted Text STELLA No worries. It’s all coming up roses now, in’it?

Pretty smooth read, right until the "in'it". Just doesn’t fit for me.

That was pretty good. The sewer as a location was a bit of a stretch, they spend very little time there, but it does all tie into the story. Definitely not losing marks for criteria.

The comedy was mostly based on toilet humour, which I suppose most of them will be. Not my kind of comedy, but I did smile a few times.

The writing was great, for the most part, and the dialogue was a strong point.

It's my new favourite... I've read 2 :)

All the best.

It was okay for the most part.  Easy enough to read.  The comedy was more situational humour, the awkwardness during the speed dating.

I couldn’t understand the park punchline I didn’t get it.

I’d drop from the ending now & in’it.

Overall the story was decent.  Some humorous bits.

I thought this was OK.

All the sewer bits didn't really work. At its heart its a dating scene about a sanitation worker. You can probably get rid of all the sewer parts after the comp.

It feels like it needs something extra.  Some much greater occurrence, or some much greater conflict going on. It all feels a little humdrum to me.

Hello writer

I like this Charlie character - he actually has character

Quoted Text CHARLIE Yeah, go on a date with me,�urine� for a treat.

Cheesy pun - Check :-)

I had no idea it was Stella who he caught until you mention her later

Quoted Text CHARLIE Ten o�clock, gorgeous girl by the Starbucks, next to the big chiselled guy showing off his dalmatian.

This made it seem like it was a new woman - to me anyway. The change of heart from her came out of nowhere I felt, catching her didn't feel big enough.

The whistle was there, but weak - it wasn't really relevant to the story really.

The worst part, the sewer - This was a terrible attempt - They just happened to have the conversation in the sewer - very weak. Not part of the plot or story, they literally could have just had that conversation on the street.

Anyway - Mostly well written, I really like the Charlie character and his awkwardness, humour was there but the whistle/sewer was weak.

Some strong, snappy dialog here. Not hilarious, but it made me smile.

Good writing, very easy read. I did get confused for a second at the end. It wasn't immediately clear that the woman at the end was Stella.

The sewer and whistle didn't really play into the story too much though.

Still, a solid effort here.

Whistle, ok.  Sewer, not so much.  We barely spent any time at all there. I’ll give it a slide, though. Jeff is gonna ding you for sure.  Comedy, light and breezy.

Overall, not bad.  I’m actually glad to see one not rolling in the sewer muck. You still got in the references and to tie it to a speed dating event was pretty clever.

The ending was a little strained.  It might have been a little more interesting to have him pop up out of the sewer right next to her. That was present some nice awkwardness.

Still, overall a good job.

Another Flashback...I have a bad feeling...but it appears to be properly formatted.

Some asides that are completely unnecessary.

And we have nothing but talking heads...in a Flashback.  ARGH!!

But you didn't end the Flashback properly...and now we jump right back into another one?  Oh man...

You never want to start a scene with dialogue.

This one is not for me, sorry to say.

Story - Was there a story?  It was basically all Flashback.

Characters - Charlie has character, I'll give you that.

Dialogue - At times, I guess it's OK, but not my type of humor at all.

Prose - There's so little here, as it's mainly talking heads.

Criteria - Tough here to score.  Sewer had so little to do with anything.  Whistle had so little to do with anything.  Comedy, sure, you tried.

This read well and there was certainly humour in the dialogue, which was good throughout.

But, I think the sewer and whistle are both shoe horned in somewhat.

Did like it though.

Hi Writer,

Original take on the challenge.

Not my type of story but I liked it.

The story flows well and the writing is great, which made for an effortless read.

The ending was expected, but the right one.

Didn't like the final "in’it", thought, like it doesn't fit the character, maybe it's just me...

This one will score high.

Good job,
David

I liked the story - a few laughs as well.

Not sure the criteria was met. It is really about a dude who works in a sewer rather than a story that takes place in one.

First, the mechanics: do a quick google on pre-lap and Dave Trottier. There's a pretty straight forward way to format them.

And, your second pre-lap actually isn't a pre-lap. A pre-lap is an element from the next scene inserted at the end of the current scene. That is, the whistle is actually from the scene you are in, not the one you're going to... so, it's not technically a pre-lap. Your first use is correct, but should be formatted slightly differently.

The story, for me, met the criteria. Yes, it was close, but combined with the fact that sanitation was so ingrained in the story, I'll lean your way.

Overall, I liked this. No, it's not a deep story, and it won't get top scores from me, but it works for what it is. Good job.

Kind of liked this one. Wasn’t funny but it had some neat lines.

I thought it flowed well.  I’m a fan of speed dating scenes.

I liked the Cinderella type shoe scene.

We’ve all been there . Talking to someone you like and say crazy
or stupid things. I don’t think anyone is born a Casanova. I’m sure even he had to hone his craft.

Far as structure or mistakes ,I’ll leave it to the more seasoned pros to help you out. It’s funny how you can catch someone’s else mistakes but miss your own.

Well done.

Ooh, a Romantic Comedy. I liked it. Bit of a departure from the entries steeped in gunk.
I think you came close to pushing the criteria but the fact the sewer plays a big part and ties in with the denouement, well I'd let that go.

A smooth read too, I wasn't pulled up by typos and the dialogue flowed nicely.
Perhaps not laugh out loud but an amusing scenario and I liked the main character.
Good job.

Didn’t think you could tie up Charlie’s job and his search for a date, but you managed it. Well done!

Ahaha this was def the funniest. Woa three best entries in a raw for me.

Cute title. And cute logline.

Most of this one does not take place in the sewer unless the 'sewer' coming out of his mouth with the jokes at the dating thing counts.

So his poo talk fails then he wins the girl by washing dog poo off her shoe. :)

Good job getting one done so fast.

This isn't set in a sewer. The actual story is in flashback. Then they leave the sewer and it ends outside.

Definitely not one of the stronger entries.

One of my top three for sure for this round. Not sure why peeps don't think this met the criteria but it worked for me. Pretty decent banter during the speed dating and with his mate. Nice ending and solid writing. Good work, writer.

Quoted from JEStaats One of my top three for sure for this round. Not sure why peeps don't think this met the criteria but it worked for me. Pretty decent banter during the speed dating and with his mate. Nice ending and solid writing. Good work, writer.

I actually gave a reason why I don't believe this meets the criteria. Looking back, I can see some others did too.

This isn't set in a sewer.

It's like the new challenge that is meant to be on a plane. How easy to have a guy getting on a plane and then simply flashback the rest to whatever location you want?

It's cheating the challenge.

This one's tough. It's the first one that I'm feeling didn't meet the criteria. His job is tied to the sewer, but that's really all, and the challenge isn't to write about sanitation workers, the sewer is supposed to be a main setting. This doesn't do that, it could be anywhere, and it doesn't even prompt the conversation on its own, it's just there.

Otherwise the writing is pretty great, the characters are strong, the dialogue works for the most part (I wasn't terribly fond of the ending dialogue), and the story is decent. Not great, but it works.

Overall one of the better entries, but I think it does cheat the parameters. They inspired this, but it fell outside of them.

Coming Up Roses

several formatting issues slugs, p3 (pre lap), flashback etc…

This one didn't grab me; however, I appreciate the attempt at a rom-com. I don't know. Perhaps it bothers me that they went down in the Sewer to ultimately tell that other dating-story only, which didn't truly feel in the spirit of the challenge for me. I'll let you pass with the criteria though - slightly you slide through… The characters were solid, only Stella felt a bit passive.

Quoted from LC Ooh, a Romantic Comedy. I liked it. Bit of a departure from the entries steeped in gunk. I think you came close to pushing the criteria but the fact the sewer plays a big part and ties in with the denouement, well I'd let that go. A smooth read too, I wasn't pulled up by typos and the dialogue flowed nicely. Perhaps not laugh out loud but an amusing scenario and I liked the main character. Good job.

;D ;D ;D

Don't care, I'm bumping this thread.  Wow, em. I hope you already wrote the rest of the script. Haha!  Sorry for my belated review.  Actually it ain't much of one...really.  

One, congrats, and two...I thought this was pretty good and damn funny. I thought that the characters were real and that you had control of them. You avoided the most common fault in screenwriting that I see, which is to put two characters out there who carry on a meaningless dialogue.  -Andrea

Hey, Andrea!

I'm still trying to get the hang of critiquing my own scripts anonymously and modestly. ::) 'Good job' nearly got stuck in my craw. Some people lavish their scripts with praise. I used not to review mine at all but then it was a dead giveaway I was the writer.

Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the kind words.  :D

As I said earlier this had dialogue that made laugh   It was snappy and cool, Lib

The script scored the highest by me in any category  - a 4

Thanks, mate.  Much appreciated. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJAkJn3rHRY

Competently written.

Sorry I missed it during the judging. I went in order from the bottom of the listing, and missed the top 3.