Gym Coaches Blow by S.R.Z.K. - Four estranged adult males search the sewer for the dead body of their elementary gym teacher, who they killed. - Short, Comedy

People in this round really like the idea of whistles in their anus, huh?

I can't always tell the difference between a pisser and a comedy. I think this is a bit of both.

It was more amusing than most of the stories.

Oh, boy...

I think you and I have a very different interpretation of comedy.
Nice try, just not my thing - I'm just not your audience. Your final image with the whistle - so silly.

I liked your logline btw, read more drama than comedy, but then things took a wild turn.

I always thought Eunice was a woman's name?? On that note I think you should have included a female character into the mix.  Actually, no... I take that back.   :D

Well, that was...different. It's more tongue in cheek and winking at the reader than anything, so it's hard to take it seriously as an entry.

I didn't like the setup, it's too far out in left field (sports reference!). There is just enough story to hold it together, but that's not what this is about. It's an excuse for the over-the-top action, and you slam-dunked that (another sports reference!). I really enjoyed your superpowered sewer babies. They almost make up for the air ball you threw for the characters (sports!).

This isn't great or even good. It has one great sequence that made me glad I read it though, so it makes the highlight reel (sports are fun!).

I was actually liking this until the flashback (which, btw, never officially ended - very confusing). The coach's large block of dialogue was obviously ridiculous. Which, stylistically, was consistent with the remainder of the script. (That sounds like an insult... it wasn't.)

I just preferred the story I thought I was in, to the one I learned I was in.

I'll go back and give this another read, adjusting for the new thought, before I score it. I was so thrown by my expectations that I don't think I read this fairly.

I do wonder... wouldn't they expect the coach to just be bones when they find him? Yet they pull out his liver. Decades later. And nobody thinks anything of it.

Descriptions are very poor and take way too long.  We don't even get ages or anything physical.  Dialogue is bad right out of the gate.

Wow, now we go to a Flashback?  Is this a pisser?  The dialogue sure sounds like it.

He pulls out his kidney?  Ha...quite funny!

"Peter, Charles, Ian, and Eunice all hear the voice of their old teacher." - WTF?  Is it his ghost or just his voice?

HA!  The ghost children!  Yes!  OMG, this is getting wild.  I'm hoping tis is taking a big old leak, but I'm actually not sure.

Oh man, you're killing me!  Hilarious!

"After being shot at with pucks about fifteen times in slow-motion, Eunice drops dead, causing a big splash." -  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Classic!  Fucking classic.  It is a pisser!  It has to be, as no one would seriously put this hilarity in SloMo.  Thank you.  I love you!!!

"Eunice. You can't die. Anybody but Eunice! Why, God?! Why him?!" - Excellent dialogue.  If I didn't know better, I'd almost think I wrote these lines.  Very funny shit, here.  Kudos!!

"Ian dies, and his and Eunice's bodies fall and float there in the sewage." - HA!!!  Excellent wording here...impeccable!  I fucking love it!!

"From inside the tunnel, out of the darkness, one of CoachDobbs's sons rears his big, ugly rear-end right besidePeter's head. Between his cheeks, rests a red whistle.The sewer son farts. The whistle blows softly." - Beautifully worded and structured here.

If I'm being honest, though, this ends before it should end and looks like you ran out of space.  It's still great and maybe even an instant classic.

Story - Very strong and unique.

Characters - pretty good, but not your strong suit.

Dialogue - Let me be very simple and clear here - 5.0 all the way, baby!!

Prose - Well, it's a pisser, so I have to give you the score of 1 this deserves, but as pissers go, it's a 4.

Criteria - YES, YES, and YES!

Thank you, writer.  I love you!

It's the funniest entry I've read so far.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's the funniest entry I've read so far.

I have to agree.

For some reason most peeps here don't understand that a big old hairy pisser can be a super funny script and if the genre is comedy, how cna this not work?

I don't get it.  I really don't.

I guess I just don't have the finely honed sense of humor that most others have around here because I didn't find anything funny at all about this. I can usually find some good stuff in a pisser, but this one was just like a middle finger to the reader.

Okay, you want a review for a pisser, let's do this.

Quoted Text The rag-tag team of adults consists of: PETER, the leader.

How do we know that? Because he speaks first? Because he's first in the line?  Need to show us why he's the leader and not just tell us.

Quoted Text CHARLES, the brainiac. CHARLES Well. According to the map. I think we're lost.

For a brainiac, he's incapable of speaking in complete sentences.

Sorry, I'm already bored. I can't keep doing this.  Let's just hit the highlights. Wait. There aren't any.

They're there thirty-five years later and his dead body is still around?  Mummified by the sewage system, huh?  That makes perfect sense.

I read it all, and really want that wasted ten minutes of my life back.

Met the criteria - sure.

Not really for me - guess not my kind of humor.

This:

Quoted Text COACH DOBBS (CONT’D) It's a dead end. What's the meaning of this?! You scrawny weaklings told me the ghosts of three sports legends presented themselves to you while you were playing pretend plumbers! That the only reason their souls haven't lifted up to Heaven is because they first needed to sign their autographs for me. Did you kids lie to me?!

Was too much of a stretch for me in terms of a premise of how they got him down there.

Congrats on entering.

Hi writer,

I'm not a fan of the character introductions.

Quoted Text COACH DOBBS (CONT’D) It's a dead end. What's the meaning of this?! You scrawny weaklings told me the ghosts of three sports legends presented themselves to you while you were playing pretend plumbers! That the only reason their souls haven't lifted up to Heaven is because they first needed to sign their autographs for me. Did you kids lie to me?!

Massive data dump.

It's quite ridiculous, I know it’s meant to be, but I can’t say it’s really for me.

Quoted Text INT. SEWER SYSTEM - NIGHT

It would be good to have some sort of prompt that the flashback has ended.

Quoted Text Ian approaches the dead body, opens its mouth, then sticks his hand into the opening and reaches around. When he can't feel anything he shoves almost his whole arm inside.

Horrific.

I'm completely floored at how many scripts involve a whistle in the ass. Where do your minds go?!

Quoted Text COACH DOBBS Finally, I shall have my revenge!

If he isn’t actually talking it should be a voice over.

Page 4 and this is all over the place.

Quoted Text After being shot at with pucks about fifteen times in slowmotion

The viewer is going to lose interest pretty quickly.

This is so full on.

I didn’t enjoy that at all, sorry.

All the best.

Yeah this did nothing for me humour wise. Elaborately plotted and it came together well but the subject matter didn’t make me even chuckle.

It made me laugh because of how bad (intentionally) it is. I've been watching some crazy comedies recently, including the Australian-made Lunatics and the second series of Happy. I bet Lunatics as written would be slaughtered by the writers here as not being funny. Yet the show is very funny. Sorry, I can't remember the main guy's name. I even had to ask my gf to remind me of the name of the show.

It made me laugh, definitely.

Now this is my kind of humor. Lol.

It doesn't make a lick of sense, but it sure is funny. ;D Solid writing all around. No issues visualizing this one. And I love how you used the whistle. God, I'm immature.

Not my favorite, but still very good. Funny stuff!

No hint at the age of the adult characters?! Normally I wouldn't care, but we need to know how far the flashback goes.

So a corpse, in a wet environment filled with bacteria and critters, still has flesh on it ten or more years later? This makes me really want to stop reading. I'm struggling for a damn reason to push past that. I had to stop and go back twice to see if I missed something. The rest will get the obligatory skim.

Why do they call the ghost a spectre when it can only be heard?

Well, I suppose this story will win because it's beyond my brain power to get. Congrats on your victory.

An absurdist piece of you know what. The most offensive part of this story is Coach Dobbs’ believing the kids when they told him he was going to meet the ghosts of three sports legends. At least try to make the characters somewhat realistic no matter the situation. As far as the kids being homicidal at such a young age, this was the only believable part of the script. Also, I don’t think the writer tried to inject any humor into the story and succeeded brilliantly.

Hi
I don't have anything exciting to say about this entry. I had hard time getting it in the first place. I understand it's your type of funny.

I get this is a pisser and I applaud it for having a real go at something outrageous and different.

But that isn't my sense of humour, so unfortunately it didn;t work for me.

Or, tbf, almost didn't... the end kills made me chuckle.

Hi Writer,

Nope, this wasn't for me. I applaud the effort, but violent, gratuitous deaths and whistles in the ass (hope this was the last...) are not my kind of humor, sorry.

Good effort anyway,
David

Quoted from Philostrate Hi Writer, Nope, this wasn't for me. I applaud the effort, but violent, gratuitous deaths and whistles in the ass (hope this was the last...) are not my kind of humor, sorry. Good effort anyway, David

I must be reading these scripts in the wrong order. God, this happens again?

As for this script, the over-the-top violence is a kind of comedy I guess (The recently rebooted Tick series has an antihero Overkill who embodies this particular kind of sight gag). People still aren't going to stick around through an extended slow-motion shot, however.

Quoted from FrankM People still aren't going to stick around through an extended slow-motion shot, however.

One of the true highlights of the script.

I think you aren't getting what this is...and how it works.  Too bad...

Love the title... and love the logline. Good job there!

I really appreciate HOW you intro your characters because we know exactly how they are. Who cares what they are wearing or how they are built... your descriptions are short and to the point. VERY well done here.

The Flashback does not have an end so it was confusing the read for me.

A ghost of the PE coach? This is going off the rails for me.

Sorry this was not one of my favorites. I didn't find the humor.

I really hope this was an intentional pisser but I'm not so sure it was. I didn't find it funny nor engrossing in any way. And what's up with 'EUNICE, that one black friend'? What a bizarre character introduction.

It’s not the best although it does have promise.

I would question the character Eunice who as a black character is interrupted before he can speak and is then subsequently killed.  It might not look go down well with some people.

The humour was lacking.  The story could be punched up if it used some Ghostbuster inspired things.

Gym Coaches Blow

Very absurd. The construction of the story is weird and makes no sense. Anyway, the second half was pretty entertaining. Idiotic but good. I liked it.