The Foul Case of the Feculent Fiend - WT2

Great title.

Nice parody of Sherlock and Watson. The opening part was exceptional, I thought. It felt very Holmsian and at the same time it was funny.

The second part was a bit OTT for me. There was some really inventive stuff, but it lost that sharp wit that was so successful in the first part.

Still, this is a roaring success.

This started well but then it went down the tubes and too far removed from Sherlock Holmes to call it a parody. That it was Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson didn't matter at all. It could have been anybody down there. It's a good idea, I just feel that you didn't have long enough to work it properly. Possibly a too difficult subject matter as you needed to research.

To pull something like this off in a couple of days would take a Sherlock expert. Somebody that knew all there was to know about the books. Not enough nods for me to call this a parody.

Well done, it's a nice try. You just bit off more than you could chew.

Hello writer

Ooo Sherlock Holmes - This gets my hopes up. It's either clever or a total cop out as the characters are immediately already established. And, as far as I know, Sherlock and all related characters are in the public domain... so no issues there.

Quoted Text

DOCTOR WATSON
What the Fu --

This feels out of place

Quoted Text

HOLMES
My Oriental nemesis, I was right.

Does Holmes say he is right? I'm not too familiar with the stories, to be honest, but doesn't he always think he is right? and so, doesn't need to say it as if it is some kind of achievement.

Ok I'm done

It's a valiant effort, I give you kudos for the attempt. Writing a well known and loved character is hard, and ultimately it may be the downfall of this script - It might have been a better idea to use your own characters who act like a poor mans Sherlock and Watson, could have opened this up to the comedy more... just my opinion.

Didn't hit all the right buttons for me.

Sherlock and Holmes>  Really?

So, we know the year is 1890, but for some very, very odd reason, you don't know how old your characters are.  That's a problem...a problem peeps just don't seem to understand.

I am not a fan of Sherlock Holmes, so almost all of this is lost on me.  I do see a talented writer here, though.

What I don't get is this pile of (insert all the different names you used for shit here) is all about, or why a fountain of yellow pee would shoot up - as in shoot up from what?

Story - Yes, you came up with a story, so kudos.

Characters - Hard to judge here, as you decided to use "real" fictitious characters.

Dialogue - It's good for sure, but again, I think you probably used exact words and phrases from these characters.

Prose - It's good for the most part.

Criteria - sewer, comedy, a whistle (or 4).

Whistle, check. Sewer, check. Comedy, check.

Overall not badly written. Not sure why Holmes and Watson are investigating a backed up London sewer. But I guess you had to get them down there. At that point it becomes “Dueling whistles,” at least until the sax-Rohmer-ophone comes out. I have to confess: that joke completely flew over my head. A hit and miss effort with a thin plot line, but that still puts you ahead of most of what I’ve read so far.

Liked the early pages. Later pages, not so much.

A whistle battle with an oriental villain just doesn't strike me as a Sherlock Holmes storyline. Not that you were playing it straight... you weren't, and I'll give you space for that... but, I think it would have worked better played a bit more straight.

Still, ambitious to take on such a large challenge with well-known, loved characters. Risky, too.

Didn't get there for me, but I respect the effort.

Ordure That's one I didn't know.

Writing in the style of Arthur Conan Doyle. I'm impressed. It's a little bit pedestrian mid-way but you got a smile out of me with the last line. Holmes & Watson are always interesting but the humour is usually of the dry caustic wit type, which you emulate very well.

I kept waiting for Peter Sellers to make an appearance. :D
*Reading back other feedback now, I shoulda got that Sax Rohmer pun.

Very good effort, just doesn't have me rolling in the aisles.

Hi writer,

Another Victorian sewer, they seem popular for some reason. All the Brits I'd say. Also surprised at the amount of spoofs.

Quoted Text

DOCTOR WATSON
Foul smelling bottom hole you are
such a wag.

The bolding feels like when you have to explain a joke to someone and then it isn't funny anymore. As a personal preference I also don't like seeing it in a script.

Quoted Text

HOLMES (O.C.)
Come, Watson, the game is afoot.

(O.S.) would be better, (O.C) is generally reserved for sitcoms. Everyone will know what you mean anyway.

Quoted Text

HOLMES
Elementary my Dear Watson.

Elementary, my Dear Watson.

Quoted Text

Watson cannot process the scene and control his motor
functions at the same time

Quite unfilmable.

Quoted Text

Fu Manchu takes a deep breath, purses his lip and blows.
The WHISTLE is pure, increases in volume with each second.

This whistle battle is pretty funny.

Quoted Text

The rats raise up onto their hind legs and march forward in
some macabre impersonation of infantry soldiers.

In another thread we've just deduced they may actually be smarter than infantry soldiers.

Quoted Text

FU MANCHU
Curse you Holmes

Curse you, Holmes

No fade in or out because of the space?

There were some funny parts to this, I quite liked it. The writing could use a bit of a touch-up, but it's by no means bad.

I think I know who wrote this.

All the best.

I think people can be too harsh on unfilmmables.. I was the same once. I still don't like them for certain things, but they're OK for character reactions... Here you can imagine the actor blinking, in shock and unable to walk properly.. All of which is filmmable/actable.

Sorry if it seems like I'm following you round, picking on you, Warren. I just like the discussion!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films

All good. It's worth pointing out that I love a good unfilmable and aside, I use them in almost every script I write, well probably every actually.

What I don't care for is when I think (so in my opinion) they aren't used in a good way, this was an example for me. I think this would be better writen visually. Show me the blinking in shock, scripts are meant to be visual. I like an aside when it aids the visual. This for me personally didn't. You may obviously disagree.

I don't point out every aside or unfilmable in a script only the ones I feel aren't a good fit.

Once the results are revealed feel free to go back and read my scripts, you'll see what I mean.

It felt off to me as well. I don't think it was the actual phrase though, it somehow came out of the blue or something.

Well, we're all different. I thought it worked well (the motor functions line) and was written in the style befitting this type of script.

Quoted from LC

Well, we're all different. I thought it worked well (the motor functions line) and was written in the style befitting this type of script.

We're getting very deep into mechanics now, but where I'd say the minor problem is, is that we go from the super-wide of the rats building something straight to Watson's reaction without first having set up that he's going to react to something.

Like :
Watson
What in damnation!

Then the rats, then the reaction.

At the moment you sort of don't know that this bit will be about Watson, so it feels just slightly awkward.

Yeah the writing on this did evoke the feel of Holmes/ Watson pretty darn well. It just wasn’t funny

Well done on the parody as you did the characters very well.
I liked thd beginning here though much better than the rest. I kind of had hard time following after Fu Manchu for whatever reason. Having many whistles.. not sure about that. maybe its too over the top for me. I like parodies though.
I think it could be more about Holmes and Watson and more talky more about them solving a case.
But I understand you had the parameters to follow and thus this goofy storyline.

How can sound float in the air?

Anyway, solid writing. So much excrement my keyboard smells.

Not much to say. Naturally, none of these stories is serious or worth much time analyzing. Will score it decent.

Another script full of borrowed characters. At least this time I'm familiar with them.

This comes across like a pisser, it plays fast and loose with the characters, it's not my kind of humor, but it has an actual story arc in it, which is a bit of an accomplishment in a dialogue-heavy five-pager. There's some back and forth as the protag and antag counter each other's moves.

It also has the most insidious use of a space character I've ever seen in a script.

Code

DOCTOR WATSON What the Fu -- ^ | +--- Right there.

It wouldn't sound nearly as funny as it reads, but I appreciated it.

Love the title...

No FADE IN (sorry nit picking)..

Some REALLY good dialogue going on here (even though I dislike the subject matter of this challenge) :)

Oh and then the pipers battle it out with their whistles. Great use of the prop here.

This was cute. And I laughed. Very good one here.

GREAT job writer.

The title grabs you and says read me. So I did.

From start to end it had me wanting more. I’ve never seen a Sherlock movie to TV show. I’ve seen bits of the famous elementary my dear Watson. Some how I felt like I knew the characters.

The dialogue impressed me. I’m sure, it’s not an easy task creating speech from that time period and make it flow like you did.

The characters complimented each other very well. Even tho it’s obvious who’s in charge.

Dueling whistles was funny to try and take control of the rats.

If you are looking for some feedback on how to make your writing better, you’ll have to ask someone else with more knowledge. Your writing skill is above my pay grade . I can only tell you if I liked it or not. I liked it a bunch!

Great work!

Not much to say: nice little story, not much of a stretch for the characters, but a decent job with the dialog (I liked the Fu...Fu Manchu bit). Not much of an ending, nor very funny. Good job, writer.

Hi Writer,

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson? Interesting...

Whistle, comedy, sewer, all checks.

I liked that you managed to come up with a complete story arch in so few pages. Well done.

The dialogue was good and the writing solid, no complaints there.

The whistle battle with Fu Manchu was an original take on the parameters. Kudos for that.

I didn't laugh, but the humor was here, and I wasn't as disappointed with your take on the characters as others. I think that you did a good job for a 72 hours effort. I'm no expert on them, though.

Overall, a good effort.

David

I’m impressed by your ability to capture Holmes and Watson, in action as well as dialogue. Very well done, and public domain so no qualms at all about their use here.

I’ll echo others and say the script started of really strong and fell off, right around “Alimentary.” I get it, you were trying to be funny, but you were doing fine with funny before they resorted to low brow humour. Low brow is the last thing you should have used here.

It does get better again when Holmes saves himself with his cane. Dueling whistles was unexpected, and it fits with the Holmes character. Using the resonance to dislodge the shit-plug was also clever (and relevant...I saw the videos of what London was going through recently).

Fu Man Chu was flat to me. I hoped for more from him, but he was just a moustache-twirling villain. The pied piper bit also didn’t really work for me, and that’s the biggest problem. Everything else is grounded like a Holmes mystery adventure but that is pure fantasy.

So, high marks for character and dialogue. Story and prose suffered a bit. You definitely met the criteria though. And I enjoyed it, so well done.

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