Paradise Airlines by Anonymous29 - Travel just got a whole worse with Paradise Airlines - Short, Horror

Met the criteria, I'd say.

The story was a little thin. I think the fact they're back on the plane at the end makes little sense. Where are they going? Home? Is no-one going to report the fact they've been operated on?  It comes across more like an inciting incident...actually quite a good one, than a fully formed story.

Ok, since the post isn't overwhelmed with replies yet, I'll offer my strictly amateur comments...

I think this has potential but it needs amping up. You dropped in one too many clues that telegraph what was going to happen -- the ending is foggy.  A script does not necessarily have to give an answer but here...I wanted one.  Adding a page or two wouldn't kill ya... JMHO.  Overall this was just ok. -Andrea

"watches from his seat" might clarify what he's watching

Captain Jack... I laughed. (Only because anytime I hear the phrase "Captain Jack", I picture Michael Bolton singing on Saturday Night Live... "This is the story... of Captain Jack Sparrow..."

typo page one "and you and you"

page two... interesting twist

Okay... done. The story is incomplete. I suspect this is maybe someone who had to scramble to get an entry in. We're left wondering why one guy was cut open and the rest were scanned but put back on the plane. Where are they going? Why are they handled differently? Wait, I see David was also put back on the plane? But, he was just sliced wide open... I'm guessing for his organs... but, then, how does he walk? How do any of them walk?

Many questions.

The idea is interesting. With further development there's a story to tell here. Unfortunately, this one got cut short.

(I see now PrussianMosby suggesting the clones were put back on the plane. I didn't catch that at all. Hmmm.)

Paradise Airlines

title not in courier 12
And anyway, this isn't a horror title to me, I must say.

The formatting, especially the slugs, read messy on the page.

I see, Marcos Narcos…

p2 hangar scene - why not say 'THE small jet taxies in'. The way it's written I thought it's a different one… easy to fix though.

The holographic clone forming image was cool.

Okay, as I see it, they put the clones back in the plane and took the 'real' bodies for their needs. Might be risky taking the rich peeps for such a trade. A little inspired by 'The Island' maybe. You made a mistake with not introducing the characters from the start, which makes the whole resolution look rather muddled. Could be much better. Has potential.

Title page is off. Perhaps an issue with your writing software?

Oh boy. This screams "rush-job". Tons of writing mistakes in only a couple of pages. Not good.

The concept itself isn't half-bad, but it needs to be more thought out. Why would rich, potentially high-profile people be chosen for this "experiment"?

Poor visuals, bland dialog, and absolutely no character to speak of. Sorry, but this one doesn't work for me at all.

Good effort on getting something in, though. These were some brutal parameters.

This is a story without an ending and really without a middle.  All I can figure out is that these wealthy people are being knocked out and their organs harvested, but it really doesn't explain why they become robotic.  This is a thin storyline, riddled with grammatical and formatting errors.  You get credit for meeting the challenge criteria but beyond that I found the story lacking.  Good job on getting something in. It was a tough challenge.

I'm going to try and not give detailed feedback, as I know peeps are pissed, and this is another one that look like it was flashed fried.

The writing is poor throughout, mistakes of every kind, on every page.  Looks like a rush job, and even if it was, it's not good.

Why don't we have any characters intro'd?  How can we care if there's no one to root for?

I see a semblance of a story here, but after reading others' feedback, they didn't get it, or maybe there's nothing to get?  It's weak, at best.

Sure, it';s horror, on a plane, and the use the sanitizer is there, but very different, as isn't hand sanitizer a liquid?

No dialogue, no characters, so if I could vote, you wouldn't do very well.  Just a lazy-arse effort, sorry to say.

Starting off I see the line “What rich folk do.”  My mind can’t visualize that statement.  I can make up something in my mind I guess. . I think it would be better to show something.  They are in a plane going somewhere. There is only limited ways to portray rich other than the private jet.  I make that same mistake as well.

Doesn’t really connect as a horror movie for me. For the fact , the passengers have no idea what’s happening . Fear is one of then main driving forces of the genre . If they are not scared, I’m not gonna be either.  I might say that sucks for them ,but that’s about it.

The use of a sanitizer wipe is original . I wouldn’t ever came up with that.  

If you would have used the 5 pages I believe you could have pulled off a neat little story.

All the best!

Very interesting idea but very underdeveloped script.

Hello writer

That title page looks horrible - Not important, just sayin'

"do what rich folk do as they take off." - what do rich folk do during take off? eat caviar whilst talking about trust funds? I have no clue... Also do the passengers take off, or the plane? - It's obviously the plane, I know that, just saying it's a strange sentence.

Quoted Text IN THE FRONT - CONTINUOUS MARCOS, 35, full head of hair, and an obvious zest for life, watches from his seat. CABIN

How is it an obvious zest for life? what am I seeing? The slugs are strange as well - in the front of what? what is he watching?

Captain Jack lol I deffo heard that in the voice of Kevin McNally "Capin' Jack Sparra"

Quoted Text INTERCOM (V.O.) Hey, everyone, Captain Jack, here. Thank you for flying Paradise Airlines, and as a special, little something, once we get stabilized, at elevation, we're going to give you a taste of the island

What's with all the commas? I'm bad at them, but these look odd.

Oh, we've ended.

The writing isn't great if I am honest - Odd phrasing, confusing slugs, not a whole lot of visuals.

The story itself has an interesting set up with no pay off - I don't know the rich people so don't feel anything towards them. I also don't know why any of this is happening.. they have been kidnapped and replaced with clones... why? you mention organs so are the doctors after these peoples organs?
But that doesn't make sense... if they have the ability to make perfect clones, they have the ability to clone organs, so why replace the originals with clone and harvest the original organs?... I don't know, and I want to know... why didn't you let me know?

I like the idea, it is intriguing, but there is way too much left hanging
Good use of the sanitiser though - kudos

Quoted Text I don't know, and I want to know... why didn't you let me know?

That really made me laugh, Matthew. ;D

Hi writer,

What is going on with your title page? Not a fan at all.

Quoted Text do what rich folk do as they take off.

I have no idea what rich folk do. If this is important to the story, tell us.

Quoted Text MARCOS, 35, full head of hair, and an obvious zest for life, watches from his seat.

A full head of hair really needs to be pivotal to this story to have that as you character description. Also How is it obvious, what is he visually doing to give us this idea?

Quoted Text We gaze over

Almost always a better way to write without "we gaze".

Quoted Text INTERCOM (V.O.) Hey, everyone, Captain Jack, here. Thank you for flying Paradise Airlines, and as a special, little something, once we get stabilized, at elevation, we're going to give you a taste of the island

To read this the way you have it written with all those commas isn’t great. Trade at least one of those commas out for a period at the end.

Okay, so there are clearly a fair few grammar issues. I’d recommend you touch up on your usage or run Grammarly over your writing.

Quoted Text carrying on like a friend.

Again this isn’t visual at all. What is he doing to give us this impression? A smile isn’t enough.

This script is drowning in commas.

So they are harvesting the organs and replacing the passengers with clones, I think.

Sci-Fi maybe, definitely not a horror.

This needs a lot of work on all levels. Scripts need to be visual.

Sorry but this didn’t work for me.

All the best.

So, the hand sanitizer seems to be in the mode of antibacterial wipes, is that right? Must be some heavy duty wipes laced with something to knock them out.

Why are Dena's organs 98% healthy? Everyone else gets 100%. She been putting away a few too many?
The premise appears to be that the wealthy are being cloned and their organs harvested prior.

I have the finest
sashimi for you, and you and you
must be clean to appreciate it.

I'd already be suspicious of a guy trotting out a line like this.

Beware of phrases like:
It's big and seems to be very well set up
Likewise with:
what looks like hospital rooms, tented off from each other,

Be definite about what you want us to see. Describe the cordoned off cubicles, perhaps the glint of surgical instruments.

I liked the visual you created with the converted Hangar/Clone Operations area.

A couple of suggestions for you: The unwitting participants in your story were never aware of what went on so imho this story doesn't reach its potential in terms of conflict, or in giving us a protagonist. If someone didn't use that sanitising wipe and perhaps sussed out that something sinister was about to happen e.g. pretended to be unconscious then you've got drama and suspense. If that same person witnessed their loved one on an operating table being eviscerated and still had to pretend to be knocked out, then you've got horror.

Did you run out of time perhaps?
At three and a bit pages only, it felt like this idea needed more fleshing out. Pun intended.  :D

Okay, so I struggled with the intro as it's a little confusing, eight seats - does that mea there are 8 passengers? Hard to know as they are grouped together as TRAVELLERS.

Same with 'they do what rich people do', I don't know what that is, I need you to tell me...

I feel that a request to sanitise their lips would raise a question, even out of stupid rich people... but I assume the drug is absorbed anyway, so just through the skin would suffice?

And then they get replaced by robots?

Feels incomplete as it stands.  

More confusing than entertaining. Why was David sliced open? Were his organs being harvested? And why was he cloned? What’s so special about this guy that the original wasn’t good enough? Was it something to do with his wealth?

What do rich people do before take-off?! Lines of coke? Group sex? I want to know!!

Okay, well... I won't bother with formatting, I'm sure others were all over that. New writer. perhaps? Kudos for entering!! Story is very outrageous but could be something bigger with time and a lot of thought. Congratulations for entering and meeting the criteria.

- not sure what rich folks do. I can live with this general description, but it's really not showcasing the writing.
- an obvious zest for life might be hard to capture in a glimpse
- wiping lips would hand sanitizer...why would people obey those instructions without question? And they were supposed to drink their drinks first
- lol, first time I've seen "100% healthy organs" in a description. Come on, man.
- why couldn't they just harvest the organs of the clones?

Obviously a brand new writer here. I have not looked at the comments, but I suspect you're getting hit hard. Well, it's probably one of your first scripts. Take your lumps, and if you're thick skinned and determined, keep at it.

Almost.

There is a thread of a story here - but it needs a bit more fleshing out. It would be better if there were any of the characters that we cared about.

This:

Quoted Text MARCOS Have a drink, my friends, then, please, use the sanitizers on your hands and lips, I have the finest sashimi for you, and you and you must be clean to appreciate it.

Seemed like a stretch logic wise -

Good job on entering

An interesting take on the criteria.  I wasn't entirely sure what the HS did.  I assume it knocked them out cold.  Or was it the food?  

It is what it is.  Very short.  If the parameters was no more than ten pages, I'm sure this one would be a lot better.

Nonstandard formatting on the title page. Not serious, but something to be avoided when sending out your scripts.

What do "rich folk do"? Not rich myself, though that's sure to change once I sell a script. Right? Right?!

"MARCOS, 35, full head of hair" ... I'm tempted to make some assumptions about the writer here.

If there are eight seats, they probably aren't even numbered, but if they are it'd be 1A to 4B.

The intercom isn't speaking, Captain Jack is. He'd need a mini-intro in the action just before he speaks, something like "The intercom comes to life with the almost-completely-sober voice of CAPTAIN JACK (40)." Then use CAPTAIN JACK (V.O.) for his lines.

"Revelry from the  riders." I struggle with this in my own writing. These characters have been collectively introduced as Travelers, and you're supposed to keep referring to them as Travelers so the reader knows no one new is here. Gets repetitive, but it (1) reassures that no intro was skipped and (2) is friendlier to non-native English speakers who otherwise have to work out if the difference in word choice really matters.

Another thing I've done... the series of shots is not formatted correctly. I get it, when the shots are so similar the full format can be a huge waste of vertical space. In this case I think one shot of him making a couple deliveries would suffice anyway.

When the jet taxis in, we would assume it's the Paradise Airlines plane, but mention some aircraft marking that makes it explicit. There's plenty of room left on that line.

I'm not sure we need all that detail from the screens, but it would be formatted as "INSERT: Computer screen" followed by description in action lines then end with "RETURN TO SCENE" or "BACK TO SCENE".

Okay, finished... you did not cram everything to just barely fit in five pages. Well done there, but I don't know what the plan is here. If these clones can pass for the original travelers, why not just harvest organs from the clones? I would have suggested that maybe they can clone the bodies but they're lifeless/unintelligent/whatever, and some kind of unfortunate accident has been scheduled for them.