The Fool by Andrew Irvine - Failing to follow the rules of your profession can be fatal. - Short, Action

Code EXT. CHAPEL IN FOREST - DAY

The slug is way off. As you go on to describe the church anyway then your location would be better like so: EXT. FOREST - DAY

Code The old country church with gabled roof and a bell tower is situated in a glade of colorful sugar maple trees. A half dozen steps lead up to a set double wooden doors.

Your writing is a little passive but that isn't actually my issue. I was prepared to skip over it but you have missed out the word 'of'. You go the long way around with your description, then miss out an important word.

Code An old guy, HUDSON, sweep the steps.

Sweeps! Come on. This is only your second block of action. At least wait until page 2 to start introducing errors.


I'm going to stop here. The script is too passive and overwritten. I will rewrite the sentence that I stopped at.

Code There are ten rows of wooden pews on either side of the center aisle that leads to the pulpit at the front of the room.

Better: Ten rows of wooden pews lead to the pulpit.


Where else would the pulpit be if not 'at the front of the room'? Also 'There are' goes without saying in a screenplay. Even in a novel you wouldn't use such passive writing.

Because of the dialogue, it helps to imagine Arnie S. saying Hudson’s lines.  The story got ridiculous when Hudson had a fee to kill Boyd.  Overall I didn’t enjoy the story.  It started off well but fell off from the middle onwards.  It meets the criteria.

The Fool

I liked the whole guns and knifes action - also a lot of the dialogue and their interactions at this place. Somehow I completely misunderstood what the cards meant and how the characters are related. First I thought there's a debt to pay from a lost poker game or sth. ; but later it seems they both are into a kind of contract killer scenario.

You may want to try to get clearer around that part of the plot.

Otherwise, the action was pretty convincing.

I liked this. Imaginative. Met the parameters.

Yeah this was pretty creative. Some more backstory on the card system would be nice. And the early fight bits and dialogue were almost comical in a Get Smart type of way so the end jarred with that.

But good effort and prolly one of my faves

Hello writer

Ahh - I feel like I have banged on about being consistent a lot this round.

Quoted Text EXT. CHAPEL IN FOREST - DAY The old country church...

Which is it? chapel or church... you're repeating your slug anyway, so remove it completely.

A lot of overwriting going on here, this could be made to be a much sharper, crisper read.

Why in the world would this would be assassin even start talking to Steven Gregory (Hudson)? When he walks in, his back is turned - shoot him then, claim the reward - why do bad guys do this in movies?

Two assassins having a stand off - not bad, I'd watch it. I'd like to know more about this card system and the company - It reminded me of the movie "Wanted" in that, this company produces cards with names on, and then assassins go after them for money, presumably the value of the hit goes up along with the card face value.

The twist of Hudson's identity was good, it would surprise me on screen. I don't know who to root for - i's mentioned Boyd killed a kid so I guess I should root for Hudson, don't care much for him either though - but as a quick action short, I like it.

Good job

Were those cards really trading cards or merely playing cards? I guess Hudson traded his card to get Boyd’s card. But why do that?  It seems like he had to trade a valuable card to get the rights to Boyd. Just seems like a logic problem to me.

Plus, why kill Boyd, then incinerate the church? Wouldn’t that destroy the evidence that he’d killed Boyd?  How would he collect?

And why is Hudson’s bounty at $2 million?  What exactly did he do to warrant that high a figure, when Boyd killed a kid and only has $100,000 on his head?  All just a bit confusing for me.

Some good action scenes. The dialogue induced a couple of groans.  Overall not too bad.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi writer,

Is it a chapel or a church?

Quoted Text HUDSON (O.S.) I don’t understand. BOYD (O.S.) It’s simple. I get two million dollars for killing you.

OTN, would have been good to just let it play out that way.

A couple of missing letters here and there.

Quoted Text a bullet sizzles his ass.

I don’t think this fits the tone of the rest of the script.

Quoted Text SEES Hudson reloading

Does bolding SEES add anything to this? I don't think so.

The dialogue is full of exposition.

So we don’t have any trading cards in this. Just playing cards used as a device to decide hits? Sean did say you could make up your own cards, but they still needed to be trading cards.

The writing see-saws from relatively good to relatively bad in places.

Story wise it was just okay for me.

All the best.

Bit of an odd, maybe insubstantial title?

This started out well, some nice descriptions and you ramp up the pace pretty quickly.

HUDSON
Took it off a Spetsnaz commando I
killed in Ukraine.

I was just in the process of looking up what a 'ballistic knife' is. Bit of exposition, but passable as it adds flavour.

The Card Company - obviously a euphemism.
The reveal that Hudson is not an old guy after all is good.

HUDSON
That’s your problem, Boyd. You
improvise instead of plan.
Nice line.

A BURST OF BULLETS impacts the other side of the lectern,
raising a cloud of wood chips, but none penetrate, thanks to
the steel plate backing up the front panel.

Nice use of the objects/set pieces, in the Church integrated with your action.

Boyd leaps up from behind the pews and start SHOOTING. The
pain from the knife wound impacts his accuracy, and he only
manages to shatter every window on the other side.
(starts shooting btw).

Personally I'd revamp this line, it's quite a bit of telling rather than showing. Your action overall though is pretty good.

All that's missing for me is more heart.
I want to root for Hudson but in the end it comes off as a showdown between two bad guys.
I wanted more emotional connection.

Nice work.

Not loving the title but I do like your logline. Foreboding.

Oh super love this.... although I think I'd love the 'It’s simple. I get two million dollars for killing you' to show up at the end of page one... you could cut down some of that lengthy description stuff maybe.

VERY competent writing on display here.

Only question I have, and maybe I missed it but... if Gregory was in disguise where was the real Gregory?? I may've missed it but didn't go back and read again.. .but without the real guy they are looking for...it's just two of them fighting.

I really like this one. Great job writer. Not much bad to say really.

There's a lot of errors here, which is probably down to 72 hour writing window so I will say no more.

The cards aren't really trading cards, they're playing cards and they're shoe horned in for criteria reasons.

But once the action started I enjoyed the piece and it worked well in the church.

Not bad,

Mixed bag for me. Liked the twist. Some of the action was good, some over the top.

Not much to add, except to emphasize that the writing here would leap forward with a fair bit of tightening.

Maybe challenge yourself one afternoon to see if you could take this down to three pages. You'll be forced to tighten, and I think you'd really see it sing. It's a fun exercise that really makes its point.

"Hell, I traded a Jack of Spades to get your card, asshole." Did you write that line just to make the regular playing cards count as trading cards? Very sneaky! Works for me.

Definitely plenty of action met and, as above, the trading card in the church.

Can't say that it's really my bag, though. Good attempt at banter. Good idea who wrote this;)

Currently watching The Man in the High Castle. In episode 3 there is a bounty hunter that uses playing cards with the 'hits' faces in them. I wonder if you've seen it.

Should be "hears FOOTSTEPS" rather than "HEARS FOOTSTEPS", otherwise the capping seems reasonable for those who insist on capping IMPORTANT NOUNS all the time.
The bounty should have been something downright insulting, like $1, or sky-high to show the company means business. A low bounty doesn't really work here. Hudson doesn't even need to be honest about the bounty, just reveal it at the end with a shot of the card.
We don't know that Boyd is in pain unless you show it (gritting teeth, holding the wound, swearing, whatever).
The fantastically unrealistic level of banter during a fire-fight makes this story fit in just fine with the genre :)
Nice bit of action storytelling here.