Card Chase by Anonymouse 50 - Nathan's most prized possession, a limited-edition Detective Pikachu card, has been stolen. Will his detective skills be up to the challenge of chasing down the culprit? - Short, Action, Family

Okay, I’ve never watched Pikachu (my kids did so I know what it is, but that’s about it), so some of this story is a little lost on me. But I got through it without too much difficulty.

I can’t tell if this is supposed to be animated like the cartoon Pikachu, but it feels like it’s taking on an animated format, with jet skis (how did he chase  a kid on a jet ski down using a canoe?) and transparent helicopters and imaginary detective hats and whatnot. Speaking of which, there was a lot of transparent objects. What does that mean here? We can see them, but only their outlines?

Aaron is going to prove the card is fake? If it’s by stealing the card, he doesn’t get to show anyone that it is a fake, and so we still don’t know, right?  I’d rather Aaron just steal the card because he wanted it for himself — seems like that would make him a better bad kid.

The story was okay for me, although I see you trying to utilize the detective Pikachu character traits to help him advance in his goals. But it was a standard story — something was stolen, now He has to chase down who did it to get it back. I will give you full credit for meeting the parameters of this difficult challenge. Wiring was fairly solid but I just felt the story wasn’t enough to really sustain my interest.

Best of luck,
Gary

Neat way to show him with his "detective cap" on, and his deducing the clues visually. However, what starts off as obvious clues turns into a James Bond caper complete with jet skis and helicopters, way beyond what kids would be able to do, and I don't know how he could possibly deduce any of it. But he really does get in a canoe (convenient) and goes after Aaron, so was that supposed to be real? And why take such a convoluted, roundabout and ridiculous route just to go back to the church?

I don't get Aaron's plan. He set out to prove the card was a fake, but steals it instead. To what end, though? Claim it's his own? Prove he can take what he wants?

The chase is neat, the visuals are cool, they felt like children (nice change there). It isn't much of a story, it doesn't make much sense, but the opening and ending work at least. Not bad, but it does need work.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text the oldest child not staring at a smartphone.

This could be written better. Tell us what is happening, not what isn’t happening. You haven’t set up that the rest of the children are staring at smartphones.

Quoted Text Aaron four henchmen on his.

This would be hard to portray on screen without some sort of visual, as in, how do we know they are henchmen?

Quoted Text one of Aaron’s henchmen, er, henchpersons.

I get that a script should be entertaining, I like an aside or unfilmable that aides the visual, but something like this is entirely for the entertainment of the reader, it can’t transfer to the screen in any way whatsoever, it's pointless. I think people kind of forget that when writing for an OWC or WT. We are still attempting to create scripts that would ultimately be used to make a film, yes the criteria is stupid and they will never be made, but I still think we should be trying to produce a working script, even if it will never be used.

Quoted Text slaloms

Ha, this has been used in 2 of the 4 scripts I’ve read.

I'm getting lost in some of the action description. The whole apparition and transparent stuff is confusing.

From about midway through page 2 this really didn’t keep me interested.

The writing isn’t too bad and it definitely meets the criteria.

All the best.

The story is broken on this one. It's set up as one kid going to prove that the card is fake... but, that never happens. It's a fundamental flaw that is never overcome.

The "transparent" device worked fine for me. It was confusing on first mention, but once I realized that he was "visualizing" things, it fell into place just fine.

I was good with the action until the helicopter. Jet ski was pushing it, but, helicopter was too far.

It was a fun little read, but ultimately too broken to work as a whole.

Wouldn't take too much to fix, though.

Thanks for sharing!

Hello writer

Quoted Text SLOW MOTION: A student on a green bike whooshes by, plucks the mylar sleeve from Nathan’s back pocket. The rider is ASHLEY (10), one of Aaron’s henchmen, er, henchpersons. NATHAN Hey! That’s mine! Resume normal speed as Nathan falls on his side.

Did you mean for the dialogue to be in slow motion? can't tell if on-screen it would be funny or annoying.

The transparent items - at first were confusing - but given the tone of the script, are these meant to be imaginary? as in, they aren't really there but this kid is imagining himself to be a detective... think I get it.

Quoted Text Tracks consistent with a girl walking a bike lead toward the sliding board.

what the fudge does that mean?

Methinks this kid is imagining a much more elaborate heist than what actually took place lol either that or I am missing the plot completely.

Quoted Text NATHAN Wait... I don’t have to follow him. I know where he’s going!

That's convenient! write yourself into a corner, perhaps?

I kinda like this - the kid is bullied and has his shit stolen, but he's got a big imagination and sets off and a grand, half imaginary, adventure. It was clever, kinda cute, and enjoyable.

The writing is rough - overwritten in places, errors - I'm guessing you had little time.

Overall, really nice, well done

Okay, you can obviously tell me to rack-off if you want ;D because I didn't even get an entry over the line for this one, but I'll offer my 2c anyway.

You need to up your action rhythm and pace by editing extraneous words which slow everything down.

SLOW MOTION:
A student on a green bike whooshes by, plucks
the mylar sleeve from Nathan’s back pocket. The rider is
ASHLEY (10), one of Aaron’s henchmen, er, henchpersons.

Suggestion:

IN SLOW MOTION:
A green bicycle whooshes by Nathan.
ASHLEY, 10, plucks the mylar sleeve
from his back pocket -

NATHAN
Hey! That’s mine!

- As she speeds past him.

Nathan quickly needs to dodge LITTLE KIDS on swings
Suggestion: Nathan dodges two little kids on swings,

Nathan quickly needs to dodge LITTLE KIDS on swings, which
steers him toward a gate slowly swinging shut. Nathan slides
through the gate, but loses his imaginary detective hat.
He reaches back, snatches the transparent hat just as the
gate snaps shut.

The bolded text slows the pace.

Delete the Imaginary cap and all the invisible malarkey. Set it up, then just write what you want your audience to see..

Nathan dodges two LITTLE KIDS on swings, careers towards -
a gate slowly swinging shut,
slides through the gap, but
loses his detective hat

Nathan dodges two LITTLE KIDS on swings

Panicked, he reaches back, snatches it or, grasps it)
just as...
The gate snaps shut.

Action lines are too dense and it's messing with the fast flow.
Nathan watches Ashley turn right out of sight.

Suggestion: Ashley disappears around a corner/bend.
Or: Ashley cycles around a corner, disappears out of sight.

We know we're switching view from Nathan to Ashley but here we know it's Nathan's POV so delete: Nathan watches... is my advice.

Just picture the camera on her,  she disappears, then the camera on him.

Resume normal speed  or: Everything speeds up to normal again? I'm not sure what the correct way to format that is exactly. But as soon as we resume I'd have something like:
Nathan falls hard to the ground

He immediately rushes after Ashley along the sidewalk. I'd delete that line, personally. It's filler.

Instead of: Nathan skateboard zooms downhill, but the bike pulls away.

Just write:
Nathan zooms downhill (or down the hill) on his skateboard.

His attention snaps back to his own situation as two WORKMEN carry a ladder
across his path.

Just write what we see next:

Two WORKMEN, carrying a ladder...

But here I'd go with the well worn trope of glaziers carrying a pane of glass myself, have Nathan skate under it, clearing it, just as the workmen juggle to right it.

He leans back, arms wide, and limbos under the ladder.
Add a comma, take the 'and' out there.
Or:
Nathan leans back, throws his arms wide, limbos under the ladder.

Slight contact scrapes off one of the buttons from Nathan’s jacket. (I don't think this is needed or adds at all).
If anything: He connects, pops a button off his jacket.

Upright again, Nathan slaloms around PEDESTRIANS and turns right
onto a side street.
Make it an alleyway so as not to repeat the alliteration of sidestreet, sidewalk)

Instead of: turns right, have him 'hurtle or bolt or careen' into an alleyway.

Nathan spots skidmarks on the sidewalk the same green as the
rubber on Ashley’s tires. He stops.

Suggestion: Nathan skids/grinds to a halt -

Telltale green skidmarks (or tiremarks) on the sidewalk.(would suffice)

Surveys every which way...
No sign of Ashley.

...
All just suggestions I hope you won't take offence to.
I could see what was in your head.

Great title.
Another chapter in the Pikachu franchise.
The original script was leaked apparently.

https://daily.pokecommunity.com/2017/04/01/detective-pikachu-movie-script-leaked/

Quoted from LC He leans back, arms wide, and limbos under the ladder. Add a comma, take the 'and' out there. Or: Nathan leans back, throws his arms wide, limbos under the ladder.

Omitting the 'and' makes one question the veracity of the sentence. This also takes time to digest.

It has also been proven that people read groups of words at once, rather than one at time. It's not a good idea to encourage people to deliberately use poor grammar. Whoever started this shit needs shooting.

Code ...where the nominally sound-proof �crying room� is located...

How do we know this? This is very confusing.

Code INT. CHURCH SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS Sounds of the choir continue...

Yeah, it says continuous in the slug. Unless you write that the choir stops, why would we assume they hadn't?

Page 2 and I'm bored. Yeah, I get this is a family/action... there's just no action.

I'm not averse to using 'and' when needed. Nathan's on a skateboard performing a duck manouvre under a ladder. My suggestions are that the writing overall needs streamlining.

Edit: Was on my phone before.

To clarify, imho, this is not advocating bad grammar per se. This is a screenplay.  Fragmented sentences have their uses in scripts, especially when pace is being dragged down by laboured descriptions.

The writer can cherry-pick my suggestions and advice, or ignore it altogether.

Fragmented sentences can have their uses. However, they usually have ellipses to signify the missing words. In the instance you pointed out, omitting the 'and' actually makes the sentence incomplete.

Fair enough, Dustin. Re the comma and omission of 'and'... If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and I stand corrected.

I'm doing my homework on this...
I hate being wrong. Certainly don't want to be shot for it.  ;)

Quoted from LC Fair enough, Dustin. Re the comma and omission of 'and'... If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and I stand corrected. I'm doing my homework on this... I hate being wrong. Certainly don't want to be shot for it.  ;)

I'm not sure there is a right and wrong, precisely. I know Dave does this and his scripts are good enough to get to the finals of Page.

I do know that I am more right... if that makes sense... but it doesn't really matter. I only pointed it out because the original sentence was fine and didn't need to be corrected.

Count me among them that like the "and" omitted sometimes.

It's really scene specific in my book. If I'm writing a quiet scene that I want to take its time, I'll try and make the page reflect that visually. Make it say: "Hey, we're taking a little time here." So, probably not going to use fragments.

But, if its an action scene, I want the page to say: "Things are happening quickly. We don't even have time to write all the words!" You've gotta be careful though. It needs to read deliberate, and not like a typo.

But, Dustin, you are correct. It's wrong. And, still a good tool when used well.

Quoted from PKCardinal Count me among them that like the "and" omitted sometimes. It's really scene specific in my book. If I'm writing a quiet scene that I want to take its time, I'll try and make the page reflect that visually. Make it say: "Hey, we're taking a little time here." So, probably not going to use fragments. But, if its an action scene, I want the page to say: "Things are happening quickly. We don't even have time to write all the words!" You've gotta be careful though. It needs to read deliberate, and not like a typo. But, Dustin, you are correct. It's wrong. And, still a good tool when used well.

I will also do that. I use every tool there is. My only real point was that the original sentence was fine... and in fact more correct than the correction.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I will also do that. I use every tool there is. My only real point was that the original sentence was fine... and in fact more correct than the correction.

Cool, I see what you're saying. I just love a good technical conversation. :)

Card Chase

Reads more like a kid adventure story. Some wording felt strange, like overcomplicating things, but I'm an ESL speaker so I can't truly assess that.

I think it's the first chase-script. So, nice that you brought some variety to this round.

Otherwise, I don't know. I'm just not familiar with Detective Pikachu and the rules of the world , so I couldn't put that whole transparent, "imaginary" stuff  in context.

As I see it, you tried to interweave true story with a lot of pictures of the kids' fantasy and their inner imagination, which actually come to life during the plot as well.  

It's a bold attempt but the delivery wasn't 100% clear. However, I like the ambition and it was pretty okay.

You've gotten some good advice -- take it.

You had fun with this script, but it wasn't fun reading it. It's not a case of show don't tell, it's a case of waffling on when there's no need.

I'd stress what another poster has already said, though... your action lines; I think you can streamline them a little more to quicken the pace of the read. Rule number one of screenwriting: full, complete sentences are completely optional. Okay, maybe that's not rule number one, or so much a rule rather than a guideline, but it doesn't hurt to remember it anyway.   Remember, the more exciting the read is, the more exciting the scene will be.  In fact, I think you'll find it more helpful than not. Pretty words are nice, but nothing beats getting straight to the point and moving on.  I'm more interested when I'm "watching" your screenplay instead of being bogged down with description.

A brief aside.  Your use of continuous.  Here I felt they weren’t needed.  Because it was clear what was happening....

Transparent this, transparent that...give the audience some credit.  Ok. We get it.  "Set it up, then just write what you want your audience to see." I concur... this would be a better route.

Is this supposed to be routine stuff, business as usual, no big deal? Because that's the way it read to me.  Or is this supposed to be tense -- risky -- dangerous? I get no sense of it here.  Maybe an inkling. Which is why it's a tad bit complicated to follow -- I don't have a reason to follow.  Am I supposed to be breathless, wondering if he's going to succeed or make it?  I wasn't.

Put emotion into it.  Up the stakes that must be accomplished. Add some drama.  If you are going to have five minutes (the limit of the page count here) then make more happen.  You still  have some real estate to work with. Just saying.  

That said, you do have some cool, techincal description of a series of actions.  However, I'm only seeing a kernel of a story.  Just some random thoughts, you know the drill.  Use 'em or ignore 'em.  Best of luck!   :)

Cute story with tons of great action and good characters.

Cool title and cute premise.

Need to intro your main character sooner and with more information IMO. Too much describing the church and crying room for me.

This feels like an animated film while I read it. Kinda cool and different.

I do like that Nathan got the card back... the action on this was iffy for me...

Good job writer.

I know little about Pikachu but this started okay and I liked that it was more PG action for a change.

But when everytoine started going transparent I stared to lose track of what was going on,

Valiant effort but not for me.

This story made me think the boys were in the middle of playing Pokémon Go.  Combing the real world with the computerised game world on their phones.  I may be off.  Overall, the story was okay.  More for children.  I guess this meets the challenge.

A ton of action. Really, a ton. There's so much that it's a chore to read.

There's a post-it note on page three: "Sorry, I can't"

Hello everyone. Yes, I'm responsible for this one. It reads better if you have "Peter Gunn" (the theme from the Spy Hunter video game) in your head :)

Lots of folks weighed in with great advice for tightening up action blocks. Much appreciated.

I think everyone got that this was a spoof of the chase in ludicrously-high-stakes action films, with stakes that were high for the protagonist and antagonist and no one else. What was less clear to everyone is that Nathan is imagining a far more elaborate caper than what actually occurred.

For those of you without grade-school children, Pikachu is a completely unremarkable card in the Pokémon game, but the character is basically the game's mascot. There was a recent film named Detective Pikachu, and part of the film's marketing included a series of limited-edition cards using stills from the film. In Pokémon parlance, a limited-edition card is called "legendary."

Aaron couldn't come out and say he wanted to steal the card in front of the nun, but with a little more space I can have him make a more direct (if still thinly veiled) threat.

I wanted to start in the shallow end of Nathan's imagination and get more and more fantastical, but maybe it would help selling the over-active imagination if his apparition of Ashley was suddenly on a sleek motorcycle under the sliding board.

Thanks again for all the great feedback.

I totally missed the fact that Nathan's imagination was far more elaborate than what actually occurred. It reads better that way. Really like that angle.

Maybe you can establish his active imagination in another way early. (Especially now that you aren't tied by page count.) Start with an unrelated sequence where his imagination is running wild, maybe? Or, someone makes a comment about his over-active imagination?

Anyway... point is... I wish I didn't miss that on the original read.

(If you do the motorcycle thing... maybe that's a point you can clue us in. He sees a motorcycle, we see a bike.)

Quoted from PKCardinal I totally missed the fact that Nathan's imagination was far more elaborate than what actually occurred. It reads better that way. Really like that angle. Maybe you can establish his active imagination in another way early. (Especially now that you aren't tied by page count.) Start with an unrelated sequence where his imagination is running wild, maybe? Or, someone makes a comment about his over-active imagination? Anyway... point is... I wish I didn't miss that on the original read. (If you do the motorcycle thing... maybe that's a point you can clue us in. He sees a motorcycle, we see a bike.)

That’s a good idea intro’ing the imagination earlier, but then I’d probably have to rewind to before the initial choir practice.

Can also show what actually happened near the end... Ashley on her bike hands the card to Aaron.