Off Grid by John Staats (JEStaats)  writing as A Prime Customer - Short, Sci Fi - When it's either Prime or premium for basic services. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

++++

Listen to Off Grid on The Anthology Zone.

First one out of the blocks, and not a bad start.  Well-written, but I found myself thinking in spots -- where is the sci-fi?  But sci-fi is not just about space ships and outer space type stuff, it's also about futuristic scenarios and man versus machine situations.

The back and forth between Bryson (Jesus Christ?) and the Amazon representative was humorous, and you set things up well for the ending. But I guess I was left wondering why Bryson took the actions he did at the end with the drones.  After all, they were there to help him, and he treats the drones like crap.  It's just a bit over the top for me.  

Still, you sustained the story through that point, so great job there.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary

I loved this.

A couple of picky- pickies:
This could be phrased better  -
Bryson returns to the open back and looks towards the
direction he was driving. Nothing.

&

He gets up and leans in the back
hatch of the vehicle.

Should be ' into' imho.
Into indicates movement or some type of action that is taking place.

FYI:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/in-to-or-into?page=1
https://writingexplained.org/into-vs-in-to-difference

You depict technology and Big Brother gone mad very well. Bryson hates technology, hates talking to and dealing with robots instead of humans,  He's 'old school'. He shoots the drones but gets what he needs from them anyway - first-aid. One could argue 'don't bite the hand that feeds you' - it might not turn out so well next time, but for the purpose of send-up and depicting a future with the potential dangers of automation and getting rid of humans, I think it hits the mark. I was wondering how you were going to pull it all together at the end but you did so beautifully. Terrific satire. Exceptionally well conceived and written. Great humour.

Nothing else to say, except I'm envious.
Show-off!!  ;D

This one is pretty well written. Liked the Bryson character, definitely can connect with his frustration with automated calling services.

The story itself kinda fall flat at the end, for me anyways. It needs something extra. A little more punch. As it is now, it's just too thin.

You got the handsaw, but I'm not sure a couple of drones count for Sci-Fi. I'll let it slide though.

Good effort. :)

Not only sci-fi but a comedy too.  Well at least humorous.  I enjoyed this one.  The future of Amazon owning what must seem like everything. Good to see you’ve used drones.  Sci-fi but also relevant.  This one meets the criteria for sure.  Decent story.  And a potential warning of our future.

Great piece of satire with good humor. It meets the criteria perfectly. I loved the ending. The only thing I wish is, if you have shown the negative side of machines/technology, it would have given a better reason for our protagonist to behave the way he is behaving. But, excellent short.

Not too bad at all

A good reflection of where it appears consumerism is going and an enjoyable ride. There is room for improvement in the story, but given the time limit, a solid entry.

It's worth revisiting after this is done and I can see this one being made easily.

Good work writer

Two uses of word asphalt in first para, one isn't really needed...

Rest of it is great, really enjoyed the read and the loved Bryson.

Good job writer!

Hi writer,

Quoted Text He YELLS an impressive soliloquy of choice profanity.

I like it :)

Quoted Text Heh-heh.

Is this laughing? It feels out of place.

Just realised that all your (O.S.) needs to be (V.O.). Off screen means the person is in the scene but not on the screen, that is not correct for this instance.

So we have almost two pages of phone conversation, I'd inject a bit more action to make it more visual. Something as simple as making him pace, or scratch his head.

Quoted Text Time passes and the sun is now high overhead.

How much time? How long are we watching time pass? May be better to indicate this with MOMENTS LATER or LATER.

Quoted Text BRYSON I'm just old school.

I get how this ties into what he said earlier, I’m not sure how it ties the story together though. Why is he old school because he destroys the drone? Or is it tied into him resisting? That needs to be developed a bit more to make sense.

I like this world, probably not too dissimilar to what the future will look like, Amazon will soon run the world.

Good writing on display for the most part. Couple things I mentioned that I think need changing. The dialogue is good and the criteria has been met.

All the best.

Much to like in this one. The social commentary is excellent. Loved it.

I wasn't as enamored with the back and forth phone conversation with the "agent". I get what you're going for, and you go there, but I think a bit more smoothing/punching up here would help. You obviously know what you're doing, so it probably wouldn't take you very long to make this section even stronger than it is.

Given more time and space to write, I also hope you'll expand the ending just a tad... maybe draw it out just a bit more (not much). Show him pulling on his mask. Give us a moment to say, "what the hell is he doing?" Then pay if off.

Finally, shooting down the drone doesn't solve his broken down car problem. Though, one thought: now that you're free of the parameters, consider ditching the whole broken down car thing altogether. Story goes like this: Man gets hurt. Man needs medical supplies. Man sets ambush for drones. So, basically exactly what you have without the car breaking down. Only difference is that the entire thing is a deliberate setting of a trap, instead of his improvising when his car breaks down.

Thanks for sharing. Fun read.

This is an unwarranted attack on our master, but I’ll pretend not to be offended. The first thing to note is that the handsaw doesn’t actually do anything except lie on the Tesla’s hood. However, a future in which Amazon takes over everything is science fiction. For now.

In by-gone days, Bryson would’ve been comfortable hauling a burro loaded down with mining gear. Which leads to the question “What is Bryson doing out here in the middle of nowhere?” The gear the Tesla is carrying could tell us something about his life.

I liked the interaction with the Amazon customer reps, but perhaps Bryson could have been doing something at the same time he’s talking—maybe unpacking stuff and setting up a camp. As it is, there’s a two-page static scene.

The ending fits in perfectly with Bryson’s character, but pissing off Amazon the way he does is a sure way to bring down justifiable retribution from above.

Yeah, I like this. It might have worked a little better to have a short montage instead of just saying "Time passes". Maybe have Bryson doing push ups in the middle of the street, reading a book, burning scorpions with a magnifying glass?

Broken down car: check. Handsaw: Not an active participant but I guess the whole story revolved around the object, so check.

Great character and dialog. Good stuff.

Excellent.

Parameters met, and IMO in a very imaginative way.

For three days of effort and the limits of the OWC, this was especially superb work.

Jesus H. Christ, SAME in a slugline?
Love the dialogue in this one. Captures the hell of voice response units perfectly.
You know, the dispatcher knows where the drones were lost, and that car isn't going anywhere.

Nice little dystopian satire. Or perhaps a glimpse of things to come.

I like the use of "old school" for this rebel. And the irony of being so reliant on technology even as he's sticking it to the system.

It was a little too tongue-in-cheek for my taste, but that's me. The dialogue was stiff at times, a bit try-hard especially around getting the Jesus H. Christ joke to play.

I like it. Well done.

Very nice! Wow, so you can write a sci-fi with a saw set in a car. Just look at it.
A well-rounded story that makes excellent sense. I couldn't wait to see what the ending would be and you ended it just right.
Very nice.

Off Grid

"muzak version of The Beastie Boys
'Sabotage' plays"

finally a moment when a music reference serves the story and world-building – nicely absurd

OS should be VO
Actually, to me, (computer automated), established 'once', would do the entire job fine. There'd be nothing to misunderstand and you got the technical side off the page from there on…

p2,3 more movement in the picture, please

page break p3/4 - end a page with a full sentence

The vision is interesting and could make a fine little piece, then, as said above, you let miss movement during the conversation. Something should happen even if some secondary world-building stuff, anything…

Criteria met; story not bad at all, but could be more. The concept works and is worth to think about. I immediately imagined to 'costume' a today's drone for a nice, futuristic SF impression. All in all, a very solid take of you.

'Off Grid' seemed to have some promise so I revisited it recently and posted an update. Always good to take some time between revs.

Thanks for all the tips, picks, and suggestions. I think I captured them all and cleaned it up for anyone that may be interested.

This would be a great one-man show on a shoestring budget. I think Bryson might just be me in a few years....

Listen to "Off Grid" on The Anthology Zone.